Back in April 2001, then-Cubs pitcher Julian Tavarez ripped San Francisco fans who booed him in a game by saying, "Why should I care about the fans? They're a bunch of assholes and faggots here." The next day he apologized, but he still rated 2.5 out of 5 Rockers on the Outsports Anti-Gay List (the Rocker scale is named, of course, after former-pitcher-but-still-a-jackass John Rocker).
Since then he's bounced to seven other teams, including his current employer, the lowly Washington Nationals. The Nats moved from Montreal and got a spanking-new ballpark, but they're as pathetic as ever. The move from dilapidated RFK Stadium to Nationals Park provided only a small attendance boost. GM Jim Bowden resigned recently; he's embroiled in a federal investigation into the skimming of signing bonuses given to Latin American prospects. In 2006 the Nats signed a 16-year old shortstop from the Dominican Republic who was considered a future star (Bowden compared him to Ozzie Smith), but the player turned out to have lied about his name and age -- he's actually four years older. And the Nats are trapped in the National League East, with no real hope of competing with the defending champion Phillies, the reloading Mets, retooling Braves or even the young but usually overachieving Marlins.
In November the Nats offered Julian Tavarez a non-guaranteed minor league contract. He declined. Getting no other offers, he finally accepted the Nats' deal and joined the team on Sunday. His explanation when asked why he took the offer: "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."
I'm thinking the Nats should add J-Lo to their nightly Presidents' Race.