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Other Randy Boyd Columns:
Why
Teams Choke
Gay
Hoop Dreamin'
Wilt
and Air together at last
Gay
Boys Can Play
Love,
Divorce and Basketball
Bling,
Bling
End
of a Knightmare
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Randy Boyd is a professional writer and a buttman. If you’re a buttman, Randy invites you to play in the
Buttmen Fun Zone at his publishing company’s
Web site. There you can vote for your favorite famous butt in the Celebrity Butt Challenge. Contestants include The Rock, LL Cool J, Dean
Cain, and anyone you’d like to
nominate.
You can also e-mail Randy.
Karl Malone Loves John Stockton
and Other Assorted Tales of All-Star Weekend By Randy
Boyd
 If you’ve been too caught up attending Orlando Rage, LA Xtreme or Memphis Maniax XFL games (love those
locker room cams, yes!), you might have missed NBA All-Star Weekend. Here’s a recap: East beat West after
coming back from way back and yada yada.
The real fun in DC was what was being said by the playas, or rather what wasn’t being said, or rather, what was
being said between the lines of what was said.
Confused? Don’t be. Ballin’s got your back. Presenting the highlights of what some of the weekend’s key
figures said …and what they actually meant:
What Net guard Stephon Marbury said after his hot-shooting performance: "To be able to hit some big shots at
the end of the game and help us win…it was beyond my dreams."
What Stephon Marbury meant: “This is as close as I’ll get to the tension and excitement of the second round of
the playoffs as long as stay in New Jersey. Somebody slap me for ditching Minnesota.”
What Milwaukee Buck Ray Allen said: "I think the West has a lot of talent and a lot of showcase players, but any
team in the East can beat any team in the West."
What Ray Allen meant: “As if.”
What Spur center Tim Duncan said about Kobe Bryant passing him the ball for the final shot: "I was actually
expecting him to shoot. I was wide open, he got me the ball and I should have finished it.”
What Tim Duncan meant: "At first I thought a ghost was on the court and forced the ball out of Kobe’s hands
and into mine, you know, like that really bad movie about a dead black dude who comes back as a spirit to help
his friend play ball? I mean, Kobe? Passing the ball? To a big man? I missed the shot because I was still in
shock. And I’m afraid of ghosts.”
What Ruthie Bolton-Holifield of the WNBA Monarchs said after she and Kings forward
Predrag Stojakovic won at NBA 2-ball: "In Sacramento, we're trying to get on the map. The Kings are having a great season. The
Monarchs are looking forward to having a great season. This would be a great way to get it started."
What Ruthie Bolton-Holifield meant: “We still ain’t on no damned map. I want outta here, where’s
C-Webb … C-Webb, how ’bout you work out a deal for me to get the hell out of there, too?”
What Jazz star Karl Malone said: "I was telling [John
Stockton], I don't know if he knows how much I love him. I know it's probably corny, but that's what I told him."
What Karl Malone meant: “I can’t talk no mo’…. too choked up inside…where’s my Johnnie… Stockton, come
over here…come gimme a hug and lemme carry you to the back of my 18-wheeler. Yea, that’s right, time for
another assist.”
What NBA Commish David Stern said: "We agreed to assist in exploring other North American cities which may
be appropriate for Vancouver to look into."
What David Stern meant: “St. Louis Grizzlies … Nashville
Grizzlies … New Orleans Grizzlies. Maybe Utah Grizzlies and New Orleans Jazz, yeah that’s
it …no, wait … that’s too logical.”
What Wally Szczerbiak said after being named MVP of the Sophomore-Rookie Game: “A lot of guys want to
high-fly and dunk. What I do best is knock down the shots."
What Wally Szczerbiak meant: “Wow, am I just too damned gorgeous for my own good or what?”
What East coach Larry Brown said: "I had no idea we could come from behind. It was a wonderful ending for
us."
What Larry Brown meant: “I was so relieved when the buzzer sounded and the scoreboard showed all
zeros … including a zero in the ‘inflammatory remarks by ghetto trash’ column.”
HOOP HOTTIE OF THE
WEEK
 Jahidi
White, Washington Wizards
Jahidi will put you to the test. At 290
pounds, he could be mistaken for Capitol Hill. But this mountain of beef has very little fat, unlike Congress. They
say he’s 6-9, but he looks more like a 7-footer. Maybe that’s because everything’s so big on him. We rest
our case.
Can’t get enough Randy? Check out
his column that goes Under
the Bleachers on straightacting.com.
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