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Other Randy Boyd Columns:
Lakers
Will Repeat
NBA
Speculation Part II
NBA Speculation
Part I
NBA
All-Star Weekend
Why
Teams Choke
Gay
Hoop Dreamin'
Wilt
and Air together at last
Gay
Boys Can Play
Love,
Divorce and Basketball
Bling,
Bling
End
of a Knightmare
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Randy Boyd is the author of two best-selling gay books and a certified buttman. His publishing company’s next book
is ``Buttmen: Erotic Stories and True Confessions by Gay Men Who Love Booty,'' due in bookstores in mid-June. For
details and excerpts, click
here. You can also e-mail Randy.
NBA FINALS
Get Your Riot Gear Ready By Randy
Boyd
 For those of you that don’t like spoilers who give away the endings to things, DO NOT READ THIS COLUMN.
For the rest of you who took off the rose-colored glasses a long time ago (like when
Commish Stern realized his product was going in the post-Jordan toilet and the NBA needed
L.A .to rise again), read on.
For here is an exact game-by-game calendar of what will happen in this year’s NBA finals, starting with
Game 1 Wednesday night at the Office Center.
OPENING NIGHT
All Hollywood production stops, and not because of any writers strike. Everyone who’s
powerful enough to withstand a Tom Cruise lawsuit will be on hand for the most exciting and suspenseful game of
the series. It is during Game 1 where all the world’s questions will be answered. Will the Lakers steamroll
continue? Does Philly have anything left? Is Mutombo really that much of a middle-aged terror, or did he just look
that good against the Zo-less, Ewing-less, Rik Smits-less East? Will Commish Stern have to suspend anyone in this
series to give Philly a fighting chance?
This game will open with more cliffhangers than a ``Seinfeld'' series finale, and will end the same way: with a
resounding dud in the hearts of anyone rooting for a team east of the Mohave desert. Philly will come out and have a
great first quarter. The rest will be all Phil’s supporting cast. Lakers lead 1-0.
GAME TWO
More Sixer celeb fans will get tickets to this game. A few of the LA coattail riders will take the night
off. Shaq and Kobe won’t have had great games in game one (the supporting jocks won it), so this time, they’ll feel
they owe the fans one. Or fifty. Also seen at this game, ``Will and Grace'' star
Sean Hayes, whose appearance (he hopes) will add credibility to the fact that he’s claiming straight. Or not gay. Or taking the fifth on the subject. By the
end of the night, Lakers will lead 2-0. And no one will be fooled by Sean’s appearance.
GAME THREE
The Great Publicity Machine known as the NBA and NBC will be trumpeting the fact that Philly is
home now and the Broad Street Bullyish fans will be out for blood and Rocky 3 (or was it 4?) style
redemption. Penny Marshall will make it back East. Even more rap stars will be seen in the stands. This is the one game in the
series that will go into overtime. It will come down to a duel between good and evil:
Kobe and Iverson. Good will prove human. Kobe will miss a last second J. NBC will sigh with the relief of a porn star who didn’t tell a magazine
he slept with Tom Cruise. Lakers will lead the series 2-1. Doubt in the dynasty is everywhere.
GAME FOUR
Now things get serious. Philly could actually tie this thing up and set up a pivotal
Game 5, which would also be in the city of brotherly love. Allen could vault himself up there in the Jordan/Kobe debate. Tonight
Show lackey and Sixer fan Kevin Eubanks could actually have something else to smile about other than his pot
smoking jokes. The rest of the NBA could actually have hope for the rest of the
decade ….
Yeah, and the Out editor’s baseball playing boyfriend will come out during the All-Star break and solve the mystery
as to why he would date such a dweeb.
Shaq or Kobe (whoever wins the coin toss) will have a game that will be replayed for years to come on the Classic
Sports Network, and World Order—and domination—will be restored. Lakers up 3-1.
GAME FIVE
Staples Center is still new and downtown L.A. wants to keep it that way, which means another major
riot is out of the question (so much less is torched when the final buzzer is elsewhere). Thus the Lakers will wrap
things up in Philly before a relatively subdued First Union crowd. After all,
Phil Jackson has a penchant for winning these things on the road. Lakers take the series 4-1, leaving next year for them to strive for this whole
unbeaten-in-the-playoffs thing.
 HOOP HOTTIE OF THE WEEK:
Jumaine Jones, Runner up Sixers. 6’8”, 218, born in ’79, which means he’s like
a bouncing baby boy. Non-stop energy and gangly limbs. Better take your vitamins.
Can’t get enough Randy? Check out
his column that goes Under
the Bleachers on straightacting.com.
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