Ballin'

MJ 3, Stallone 54

Time once again to lace up the custom-made sneakers, slip on the lucky, well-worn, dull gray jockstraps, cover up the package, both front and back, with those damned baggy shorts, and try to figure out a way to stop the best player in the game. 

Sorry, Kobe, we’re talking THE best, not the latest greatest. 

Pro ballin’ is back and so is MJ. And so are Wally, Zo, C-Webb, Bryce Drew (now of the Hornets) and a ton of other hoop hotties here to provide a temporary diversion from the world at war. We need it. Reality bites like a rabid St. Bernard these days. Can’t get along, can’t open the mail, can’t forget the horror. Shouldn’t forget the horror …

Football and baseball have already proven that sports is vital to our country’s spirit in and out of peace time, and basketball is about to join the all-American parade down main street USA. And thank God, every God, that his Airness is back to spice things up in what might have otherwise been an excitement-challenged NBA season. 

Old, smold. Retire, shemtire. End his career on a winning shot and ride off into the sunset? Fuggedaboutit. He can still do that, you know. He can also score at will on the young punks of today. Why shouldn’t The Man come back? Why should the inept Jerrys get the last laugh? Why should we deprive ourselves of salivating match-ups, like a mature Kobe vs. Mike, a mature(?) Iverson vs. Mike, a healthy Grant Hill vs. Mike—oh, wait, cancel “a healthy Grant Hill.” 

Why all the nay Sayers about Jordan anyway? Rocky makes sequels and he’s over 50. Fifty-four to be exact! (Coming soon: Rocky The Musical…seriously!) You’d think MJ was Wilt Chamberlain trying to get back into the starting rotation (yes, we know). 

Let the man play and let’s all enjoy his mental and physical greatness once again, wherever it leads him and us. 

But because the jock world does revolve around MJ’s jock alone, Ballin’ presents other random notes on NBA 2001-02: 

• As a way of celebrating the new season, the league is giving fans a shot at autographed balls! What we at Ballin’ would like to know is … how are the players gonna get their full names on them? 
• Why is Memphis sticking with the name Grizzlies? Give it back to Canada. 
• The biggest question for the Lakers: will Rick Fox continue his decline in the looks dept. again this year or will he rebound from the grunge getup and finally settle on a hairdo that has been in touch with a comb? And what of the scratchy 10 day facial growth he constantly sports? This dude is like a combo of George Michael and Raggedy Andy. 
• Here’s hoping Rasheed Wallace saw Allen Iverson’s shrink during the off season. 
• Most exciting up-and-coming team to watch: easy. Dallas in their new American Airlines hanger. Stars Michael Finley and Dirk Nowitzki won’t be featured on any “Hotties of the NBA” calendars, but they both got game and the team is still in that feisty “we can beat anybody” stage that up and comers need.
• Twilight Zone meets Smallville: Pat Croce has always scored high on the “creepy” meter. Larry Brown has always been part airhead, part genius. Allen Iverson is, well, Allen Iverson (finally dumped the rap album though). But now things in Philly have gotten downright weird. Two words: Derrick Coleman. The fat-faced, injury prone former No. 1 draft pick has enough attitude problems to get him booted off the first episode of a new season of Survivor. After a previous stint in Philly, La Croce even once proclaimed that he’d sooner stand on top of a bridge support before he’d re-hire Coleman. Welcome back to Philly, Derrick, where there’s all kinds of conflicting stories about who authorized this transaction. The stuff of champions? We think not. 

So who will be still playing in late June? Easy. Lakers over Dallas in the Western finals. Raptors over Bucks in the East (Jordan can only take the hapless Wizards so far, like Round 2 or 3, but his Top 5 scoring average will settle the debate about his greatness still being enact). And in the finals themselves? As if, anyone in the East can stop a third straight party in the Staples Office Center. 

More Randy, more sports: Under the Bleachers at straightacting.com.

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