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Randy Boyd is the author of the Lammy-nominated novels
Uprising and
Bridge Across the
Ocean. His next novel, a suspense thriller, is due out in March of 2002. Stay tuned for details and excerpts real soon (sooner than the
Wizards putting together a 3 game win streak).
Contract
This
 By
Randy Boyd
For Outsports.com
Nice going, MLB. Got a couple of weak teams, grumpy old owners and no taxpayer support for more luxury boxes
so you’re gonna do something you call contraction, which is simply a nice term for “taking the money and run.”
You say the talent pool is diluted? What were you thinking when you expanded in the 90s?
You say places like Montreal and Minnesota can’t be competitive? The Twins did well this year on the field and in
the stands and Montreal was once a pretty strong franchise before some owner named Monsieur Scrooge took over.
If the league had done away with pathetic ball clubs in previous eras, say the 80s, teams like the Cleveland Indians
and Atlanta Braves might no longer be here.
But we at Ballin’ HQ say contraction could turn out to be a good thing after all, if it becomes inspiration for John Q.
Sports Fan to rise up, organize and contract some franchises of their own.
Tired of your lovable losers? Evict ’em from your city. Sick of “wait till next year”? Pink slip the bums and tell ’em
to pack up the U-Haul. Fed up with lottery draft pics year after year? Put on Twisted Sister and rock the club seats
with “We’re Not Gonna Take It!”
Let’s not let the rich guys be the only ones who can dissolve teams “like they was Alka Seltzer.”
Let’s contract some teams of our own, starting with the NBA.
Ready? And a one, a two…
LA CLIPPERS: The first and most obvious choice. Squandered more potential than Survivor Africa. Wouldn’t
move to a receptive Anaheim when the league begged them to. Donald Sterling has to be one of the worst-ever
owners and this franchise might not win a NCAA tournament play-in game. And who had the bright idea to use the
Lakers’ gym on Shaq and Kobe’s nights off? Bad franchise. Bad, bad franchise.
NEW JERSEY NETS: Another little bro too deep in the shadows of the real deal. Playing in a dull, bland airplane
hanger across from the bright lights and big city is like Cinderella dancing in her bedroom while the ball rocks on in
the distance outside her window. Yet even if they move back to Long Island, they’ll still remain in obscurity. Here’s
an idea: maybe they can play in the Garden on the Knicks night off….
CHICAGO BULLS: For the sheer stupidity of it all.
UTAH JAZZ: Let’s face it. Karl Malone and John Stockton were never really that exciting to watch to begin with.
Now that they’re practically Grandpas, is there anything that makes this franchise interesting? Perhaps a name
change and city makeover would help, but think of how easy moving them out of town would be with Karl’s 18
wheelers.
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS: Yes, this city seems to love its lovable losers, but this team doesn’t even have that
much of an identity. Their only claim to fame: they were in the background when
Michael Jordan made his famous leap and punch into the air after hitting one of his early game-winning shots. Have doubts about contracting them?
Next time you see Cavs highlights, look at how many empty neon-blue seats you can see in the stands (in the good
seats!!!).
SAN ANTONIO SPURS: Although Ballin’ does have a certain allegiance to the old ABA teams, these guys haven’t
been truly exiting since the days of the old Hemisphere Arena, when the atmosphere resembled a shootout at the
Alamo. Is it the franchise, the cavernous cardboard box they play in or the league’s most boring superstar
(Tim Duncan) and superstar’s sidekick (David Robinson) that make this outfit a snoozer? If they don’t make waves this
year, we might have to agree with Zen Master Phil that their lockout year title deserves an asterisk.
ATLANTA (ALL ATLANTA TEAMS): They don’t draw. They don’t sellout playoff games. They never win and
they couldn’t put on a decent Olympics. What’s the point? Helpful hint: start over with one pro team, build up
support and keep Ted Turner away from the joint.
ANY TEAM THAT DOESN’T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS 5 YEARS RUNNING: This is a surefire way to drum up
some interest in the NBA: don’t make the playoffs, you’re voted off. How thrilling and cutthroat would the final
weeks of the season be for the Golden State Warriors and Memphis Grizzlies of the world?
More Randy, more sports: Under
the Bleachers at straightacting.com.
Randy's Outsports
archive
Nov. 13, 2001
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