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Randy Boyd is the author of the
Lammy-nominated novels Uprising
and Bridge
Across the Ocean. His next novel, a suspense
thriller, is due out in March of 2002. What’s it about? HINT:
Perfect Catch or Pure Evil? Randy’s publishing company also brings
you the Buttmen
Fun Zone, where you can vote for your favorite
celebrity eye candy.
NBA Elimidate
There’s “5th Wheel” (five strangers date en masse, then pair up depending on their votes), “Shipmates” (blind date weekend for two on a cruise ship), MTV’s “Dismissed” (three’s company until somebody gets axed), and revamped versions of “Blind Date” and “Change of Heart.” But the personal favorite at Ballin’ Headquarters—and the reason the staff isn’t getting as much work done as it could—is “Elimidate.” Aside from the catchy intro (and cool, sexy way Tone Loc, Jr. utters “Elimidate”}, this show gives you more bang for your voyeuristic buck. Four people of one sex go out with one person of another sex—all together. One by one, the four people of the one sex are picked off by the one person of the other sex until just one old-fashioned guy/girl couple remains and rides off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Or at least until the camera stops rolling. On its best days, “Elimidate” features four guys and one girl (more eye candy for the homos and straight girls). And more than anything, all the above shows demonstrate what NOT to do on a date. Cockiness, stupidity, fronting, overbearing personalities, too much Jim Carrey-type humor and Rico Suave-type cliché lines almost always render one dateless at the end of the night. On TV and in real life. And in Ballin’s version of Elimidate, where “the column” goes out on a simultaneous, daylong date with four NBA hoop hotties. And one by one, Ballin’ must eliminate one hottie from the dating game until, in the end, it’s just Ballin’ and Ballin’s dream date. Let’s meet our contestants:
Wally Szczerbiak: Huge teeth, movie star looks, surfer with a J. Shaquille O’Neal: Bigger than the other four guys combined. Humor and bone-crushing dunks are his forte. Alonzo Mourning: Great smile, intense, emotional. Most likely to get into a fight. Or break down in tears. Michael Jordan: Distinguished gentleman, slightly graying, must be careful of ailing knee. PHASE ONE: Ballin arranges to meet its four dates at the miniature golf course. It’s a good daytime activity that allows the men to talk and be themselves in a casual but fun setting. WHAT HAPPENS: Shaq stands on top of the 9th hole windmill and howls like King Kong. Jordan takes the actual golf game seriously and tries to goad Wally into a bet. Zo chills in the background, figuring he’ll let the others act a fool and elimidate themselves. ELIMIDATED: Ballin to dates: “You were all fun to be with, but unfortunately I have to elimidate one of you. Shaq it’s gonna be you. I just don’t think it was appropriate to use the Mexican janitor as a bowling ball down the green at the 18th hole.” SHAQ’S PARTING SHOT: “Guess Ballin ain’t man enough to handle the Big Aristotle/Donato/Colorado/Winnebago.” PHASE TWO: After an afternoon of miniature golfing, it’s a good time to calm down, let go of competitive instincts and get in touch with one’s spirit before a night of dining and dancing. Ballin takes the remaining three dates to a spiritual spa for massages and yoga. WHAT HAPPENS: Zo is moved by the insight he gains in healing his liver through the spirit. Wally becomes a comedian and refuses to take things seriously. Jordan is more concerned with what the spa can do for his knees. And ankles. And fading field goal percentage. ELIMIDATED: Ballin to dates: “You were all fun to be with, but unfortunately I have to elimidate one of you. It’s going to be you, MJ. I thought you should have been paying more attention to me than your old, aching body.” JORDAN’S PARTING SHOT: “While I was at the spa, got me a Kobe voodoo doll and some long, long needles. Bet he can’t hang with me now. Wanna bet? Come on, let’s bet.” PHASE THREE: It’s down to Zo and Wally. Time for a romantic night at an outdoor Brazilian restaurant. Good idea to pick something exotic and out of the ordinary to measure your dates’ flexibility level and willingness to try new things. WHAT HAPPENS: Zo samples everything on the menu as if it were his last meal. Wally orders a salad and barely eats it. Later, while dancing to Brazilian music, both Zo and Wally dance up a storm for Ballin, putting on a sexy show in an effort to make a good lasting impression. ELIMIDATED: Ballin to dates: “You were all fun to be with, but unfortunately I have to elimidate one of you. Zo, your spiritual side really touched me and you were a very sexy dancer. Wally, golfing was fun with you, but I feel like you never really opened up and showed me your true self. Therefore I’m going to elimidate, you Wally.” WALLY’S PARTING SHOT: “Whoa. Rejection? Is this how it feels? I gotta get outta Minnesota and get me a real tan.” Ballin and Zo ride off into the sunset, dancing arm-in-ram to Brazilian samba music and ready for some quality one-one-one. More Randy, more sports: Under the Bleachers at straightacting.com. Randy's Outsports archive Dec. 11, 2001 |
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