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Randy Boyd is the author
of the Lammy-nominated novels Uprising
and Bridge
Across the Ocean. His next novel, The Devil Inside,
a suspense thriller is coming this Spring. Randy’s publishing
company also brings you the Buttmen
Fun Zone, where you can vote for your favorite
celebrity eye candy.
NBA New Year's Resolutions
It took some time and a few intercepted e-mails, but Ballin’ has obtained the resolutions of many of the NBA’s players and athletic supporters. Without further ado: Michael Jordan: “My resolution? Easy: never again will I score below double digits like I did in December at Indiana. That way, I will avoid having to come back and score 51 and 45 points in consecutive games just to prove I’m still da man (da 38 year-old man can’t do that every night, you know … pass the heating pad). Pat Riley: “I will return the Miami Heat basketball organization to its previous level of excellence. Which level that is—the winless early '90s or the dominant late '90s—is still to be determined.” Chris Webber: “I resolve to play at least one whole week in the NBA regular season this year. I swear. Pass the … heating pad.” Grant Hill: “I will use my season on injured reserved to get bigger, better and stronger, so once again I can be good enough to contribute to my team. And resurrect my career as pitchman for Sprite and McDonald’s.” Jason Kidd: “Next time I want out of a city in the desert because their franchise is going nowhere and will always be in the shadow of the Lakers, I’ll just have my agent arrange for the trade--not my fists.” Darvin Ham: ``Never again will I ask Jason Kidd for marital advice.'' Sam Cassell: ``This will be the year I finally convince Hollywood to do a sequel to ``Close Encounters of the Third Kind'' starring Me!'' Dan Issel: “This year I will keep my big mouth shut. I will learn more about Mexican-American history and become more sensitive to ethnic slurs. And wherever I coach next, both drunk and sober damned Mexicans will be welcome.” Tim Duncan: “In 2002, I promise not to be scared of LA come playoff time. No more brain freezes, no more beads of sweat pouring down the forehead, no more disappearing jumper and rebounding skills. We will take on LA like the bad asses we are. We are talking about the LA Clippers, right?” Shaquille O’Neal: “I will never again put on John Stockton’s shorts. My nuts hurt for a week after that.” Tim Floyd: “I will not accept a job from a company that gets rid of both its best employee and best supervisor in company history, then asks me to take over. Nor will I ever get involved again with anyone named Jerry. Or Gerald. Or Jeremy. Or whose name begins with a J.” . More Randy, more sports: Under the Bleachers at straightacting.com. Randy's Outsports archive Jan. 2, 2002 |
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