Ballin'

Stayin’ Alive, Looking Good 

By Randy Boyd
For Outsports.com

Raise your hand if your stomach is churning at the prospect of yet another purple and green NBA finals. Didn’t we have enough of those in the Miami Vice decade? 

Please, please, please, Jason Kidd, take care of bidness in the East so the NBA of the new millennium isn’t subjected to more parquet floors, cocky Boston fans and doofusy-looking leprechauns. 

But enough about Red Auerbach. 

You know how some guys might not light up the attraction meter right off, but their personality and actions go a long way toward making them sexy mofos after all? Here now, a look at some previously overlooked players whose performances on the court in the playoffs have suddenly made them look a whole lot better off the court. And in all those gay NBA chat rooms on AOL … (LOL): 

Sumaki Walker, Lakers: Standing in the shadows of a center the size of an iceberg and a media darling who might as well be called Jordi II, it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle (not to mention, when Robert Horry is also looking better after his series-ending treys vs. Portland and San Antonio). But Walker’s got game and a very cute baby face. The more we see of him, the more we like. 

Tony Parker, Spurs: Europeans are allowed to look a little off center when it comes to what’s considered studly and good looking. It’s not their fault they were born overseas, as it were, in a land of pop cultural hand-me-downs and castoffs (too many cancer sticks, not enough Bow Flexes). So Parker, who’s French, might not turn as many heads here as say, Antonio Daniels or Malik Rose (another player who’s looking better and better), but Tony’s energy on the court is infectious. He’s like a Jack Russell terrier. Loads of fun. Non stop action. Never tires. All good assets in a man in many, many ways. 

In the We Hardly Knew Ya Dept., we were sorry to see so little of Detroit’s Zeljko Rebraca, who was out of it even before his Pistons were with a boner that wouldn’t work. What’s that? Oh, correction, a broken bone. Too bad. This was one person who could have made watching that retro Pistons-Celtics series tune-in-able (anyone else have a hard time distinguishing the actual game footage from those faux vintage ABA Nike commercials?) 

Speaking of Detroit, Ben Wallace is another player one can’t overlook in the looks dept. Can you say thug love? This guy could easily star in a movie version of a James Earl Hardy novel. 

Speaking of players who will be spectators from here out, Steve Nash of Dallas appeared on Letterman between the first and second rounds. Flying to the Big Apple before heading to Sacramento may have not been the smartest itinerary, but it did afford fans a rare look at the acrobatic guard sans stringy, sweat-filled hair. Not bad, but what really made him shine during late night was his Rock Star ease in the late night chair. Dude is like Beck with personality. We’re predicting a future full of MTV Rock and Jock appearances at the very least. 

On the opposite end of the Stayin’ Alive and Looking Good spectrum is Allen Iverson, who after his elongated temper tantrum disguised as a press conference, can be said to be downright u-g-l-y, he ain’t got no alibi. Love your balls on the court, Allen, but geez … presentation does count for something. 

And if individuals’ stock can rise and fall based on their actions, so can teams. It’s now official: the Spurs are the sorriest bunch of individuals on the planet at the moment, at least in the sports department. They don’t deserve another inch of this column. 

And here’s hoping Boston loses. 

And Sacramento conquers its three-headed demon. 

And the Charlotte Hornets stay alive long enough to win their first and last NBA title, thereby screwing with everybody’s brain. 

More Randy, more sports: Under the Bleachers at straightacting.com.

Randy's Outsports archive

May 15, 2002