Ballin'

If Looks Could Win

By Randy Boyd
For Outsports.com

Ah, the playoffs. The furious sweating. The hardcore action. The multiplied intensity. The harder the bodies bang together. The firmer the slaps to the teammates’ backsides. The rougher the chest bumping. 

Oh, yeah, and there’s basketball, too. 

Here now, the third annual Ballin’ NBA playoff preview, where we size up each team in the talent and looks department. 

EAST: 

Orlando-Detroit 

Talent: Orlando’s Tracy McGrady is the best player in the East. Unfortunately, he’s on a team that, down the stretch, looked more like they were going for the LeBron James Draft Lottery Presented by Hummer 2 than the playoffs. Give this one to Detroit by default. 

Looks: T-Mac hands down. Or is that hands on? Plus, he’s aided by Pat Garrity and Drew Gooden. Historically, the Pistons have been one of the leagues’ least photogenic clubs, from Bill Lambier to Hubert Davis and Danny Manning. Advantage: Magic. 

Milwaukee-New Jersey 

Talent: No contest. Jason Kidd rules, Kenyon Martin rebounds and Mutumbo (ignore the recent absences; he’ll be there) and Coach Bryon Scott and the rest of the Nets’ playoff experience will be way too much for the Bucks to handle. 

Looks: Milwaukee Coach George Karl’s scowling mug brings down the image of the entire bench and Gary Peyton still needs a dentist more than Reggie Miller. Swish for the Nets. 

Boston-Indiana 

Talent: Very balanced in this department. Plus, these two teams have some playoff history, albeit from the previous decade. It may come down to how under control Indiana wildcard Dennis Rodman, Jr.—er—Ron Artest stays. On second thought, good luck in the second round, Celtics.  

Looks: The Pacers are all over this one. Jermaine O’Neal is getting cuter and cuter, in a baby faced thuggish sort of way. Artest is attractive but better carry good insurance and a lawyer should you ever go out with him. Austin Croshere is a hottie who's rich and has little to do and recent addition Tim Hardaway has always had one of the leagues nicest phat booties. 

New Orleans-Philadelphia 

Talent: Baron Davis will need help to cancel out Allen Iverson. Unfortunately, he won’t get enough, and like the football Saints, this Big Easy team will make a easy exit out of the first round. 

Looks: David Wesley of the Hornets is “sit and spin” cute and he and Bryce Drew are enough for a good night on Bourbon Street. Sting me. 

WEST: 

Phoenix-San Antonio 

Talent: Certainly one playoff series that could have stuck to the old best-of-five format. And probably will anyway. Spurs moving on. 

Looks: San Antonio has always been a looks-challenged team and the Suns have too many weapons, Tom Gugliotta, Penny Hardaway, Scott Williams and Randy Brown to name a four-way—er—to name four. 

Utah-Sacramento 

Talent: Here’s betting the Kings don’t close out the Jazz like they should in five games or less. But rest assured, they will put an early end to Utah’s set. 

Looks: C-Webb is one of the top players in the league. And he balls pretty good, too. And he’s a good basketball player. Hell, even Mike Bibby is datable. Something infectious about these young, energetic and impetuous Kings. Fun to watch on so many levels. 

Portland-Dallas 

Talent: The Blazers have talent. The Mavericks have stars. And we’re not talking the hockey kind. Players like Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitski will be remembered long after Rasheed Wallace and ... and ... and ... the rest of Portland has retired. 

Looks: Like Sacramento, Dallas is like an average-looking guy that knocks you out with his energy and persona and charisma. Portland just knocks you out and sends you running for the phone to dial 911.  

LA Lakers-Minnesota 

Talent: This would be a question on the kid's edition of Jeopardy. 

Looks: Terrell Brandon, Kendall Gill and the league’s hottest man, Wally Szczerbiak, make the Lakers look like the Pistons or the Spurs. 

And the winners are .... 

Talent: Lakers win, Lakers win, Lakers win,, Lakers win. 

Looks: Hello, Wally. 

Randy's Outsports archive

April 18, 2003