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Randy’s latest novel,
The Devil Inside, The Suspense Thriller,
has been nominated for this year’s Lambda Literary Awards, making
Randy three-for-three when it comes to novels published that have been
nominated for Lammys. Playoff Talk @ Ballin' Water Cooler
By Randy Boyd
Here now, a look at some of the water cooler pundits and their latest POVs on the playoffs. Atypical Tod: Pennsylvania school teacher-type who says he loves sports and the men that play them. Southern Comforter: self-described down-home, mature man who played a year of ball at a college “no one’s heard of” in a time “no one remembers.” Carol de Blazer: fierce lesbian sister from Northern Cal who loves the Trail Blazers but cringes at the idea of being the One Dyke Voice in this column (and whose One Dyke Voice has been heard in previous Ballin’ columns). And now, the jawing: Ballin’: Are you all crazy enough to think the Lakers still won't win their fourth ring this year? Atypical Tod: Lakers in 4. Southern Comforter: Well, since my Hawks aren’t in it, LA might as well take it again. Can’t imagine Kobe not pulling them through. Carol de Blazer: I am far from crazy. I am sane. And since I am not crazy and blind, I can see this is not a dominating team. They were supposed to cream the Timberwolves and they are struggling. Even if they win this series, I don't see them winning the West. Ballin’: So if not the Lakers, Southern and Carol, who are you going out on a limb and picking? Southern Comforter: The absolutely God-like gorgeous Chris Webber and the Kings. If I’m right, can I have a date with him and teammate Mike Bibby? Carol de Blazer: Before the playoffs started, my money was on San Antonio. But they have looked rather soft. I am still leaning that way, although with less conviction. Sacramento is also very strong. Ballin’: Ron Artest (Indiana's great defender when he’s not trashing $100,000 digital cameras and getting called for flagrant fouls): would you go out with him? Atypical Tod: I wouldn’t go out on a date with him, but I sure would have sex with him. (Rough and Strong.) Southern Comforter: Only if C-Webb and Mike Bibby insisted he come along. Carol de Blazer: No. Like a good friend of mine says, he’s got the wrong “spare parts.” Which I guess is the answer you have to get from your One Dyke Voice. Ballin’: Ron Artest: would you put him on your basketball team? Atypical Tod: For sure, love intense players. Would send him to anger management classes, though. Southern Comforter: No way! Talk about a lunatic. Carol de Blazer: Probably not. The Blazers just don’t need that headache. He’s a lesser talent than Rodman in his prime and as much of a headache as Rodman past his prime. Ballin’: How bad/exciting are the Eastern Conference playoffs? Atypical Tod: Not that bad, the only games I can stay awake to see. Southern Comforter: Don’t like the Lakers, but the real final four is LA vs. SA and Dallas vs. Sacramento. Next year, two of these teams should move to the East to balance things out. Just kidding. Unless the Kings can move to Atlanta (you can bunk with me, C-Webb. OK, I’ll get off of Webber’s jock. If he sends me one). Carol de Blazer: Actually, the Eastern Conference playoffs are somewhat exciting, although I don't have strong feelings about the East, because there is so much parity. Anyone could win any series, pretty much. Ballin’: Is there any reason to think Orlando won't win the East? Atypical Tod: Who cares? (Ballin’ note: we’re suspecting McGrady-envy.) Southern Comforter: The Nets will prevail, then lose in the finals once again. Carol de Blazer: My pick to win the East is Philadelphia. I think they have the toughness, the coaching, and Iverson. Ballin’: Blazer coach Mo Cheeks helps the 14 year-old girl sing the national anthem after she blanks on the lyrics: a paternal move laced with patriotism or a shameless attempt to save his job in the wake of his team's dismal performance vs. the Mavs? Atypical Tod: Ahh, l eave Mo alone. He is sweet guy. I would go to dinner with him. Southern Comforter: He wanted to avoid Dixie Chick backlash syndrome. Carol de Blazer: Neither. Mo Cheeks is a gentleman. An old fashioned term but one that applies. I don't even think “patriotism” (arrgh) was the motivation. He saw a young girl (13, actually, not 14) in trouble and spontaneously moved to help her. And his job is hardly in danger. Portland is without its starting back court and its backup center. How well do you think Dallas would have played without Nash, Finley and who ever backs up Bradley? Ballin’: Is there a better looking player in the game today than Minnesota's Wally Szczerbiak? Atypical Tod: Hello? Rick Fox of the Lakers is way better looking. Southern Comforter: Don’t get me wrong: I’d ball with Wally anytime, but I can think of entire teams better looking than him. How many times must this column mention Wally, Wally, Wally? Ballin’: Okay, from now on we’ll call him Mr. Szczerbiak. Carol de Blazer: I can mention the most attractive (IMO) WNBA players, but that is not the question asked. So in the spirit of the column, here is my list of the handsomest male players in the playoffs. These are not my favorites, some of them I don't like at all. Just the prettiest faces in no particular order: Chris Dudley, Qyntel Woods, Portland; Eduardo Najera, Dallas; Rod Strickland, Minnesota; David Robinson, San Antonio (can't stand the guy but he is handsome); Jim Jackson, Sacramento; Jermaine O'Neal, Pacers. There must be some other Eastern guys. but I don't see as much of them. Ugliest in the playoffs, by a long ways: Greg Ostertag. Ballin’: Enough jabbering, get back to work! Randy's Outsports archive April 30, 2003 |
Yes, there is a
Ballin’ headquarters (OK, so it’s a virtual one), and yes, there is a
virtual water cooler and you bet we jaw and jock about the NBA
playoffs, among other things.