Ballin'

One Night Only: Homosexuals
Hijack the NBA

By Randy Boyd
For Outsports.com

It’s hard to get noticed in the NBA’s Western Conference if you don’t have four future Hall of Famers on your team, rabid fans with cowbells, rock ‘n’ roll Canadian point guards or enough talent to make a dent in the playoffs year after year.

But the PHX Suns are trying, by golly.

Take those God-awful bright orange road uni’s with the city’s airport code. Please.

And take their God-awful Church Night.

For the franchise, the promotion for their March 19 game was supposed to be like any other promotion drummed up to fill some seats and build community support, say, like, Girl Scout Cookie Night or Little League Baseball Night (try winning ball games, that’s a great promotional thing).

But through a series of events, Church Night morphed into “Preserve the Sanctity of Marriage Night.” Read an "official" account here. Get the gist here: the PHX organization partnered with some God-fearing Christian organization, which included anti-gay marriage literature in their invites to the upcoming event. Outrage ensued. Outrage at the outraged followed. The PHX organization promptly put the God-fearers on waivers and is now accused of caving in to homosexuals and the homosexual agenda (would somebody please tell Ballin’ what our agenda is now: more circuit parties or better abs?) The website of the God-fearers proclaimed: “Homosexuals Hijack Church Night!”

Not true! We at Ballin’ say the PHX front office has not done enough to placate us jocks who loves jocks in every way. We want more than the disassociation from your W-lovin’ God squaders. Here now: ways the PHX Suns and the NBA can make up for their very flagrant foul to the gay community.

Players Play Only in Jockstraps Night: We’d buy front row seats just to see the Suns’ Jahidi White and all of his highly edible, 6’9”, 290 pound chocolate mountain of a body in a sweaty white athletic supporter. The thought of Amare Stoudemire and Tom Gugliotta fast breaking while practically nude also causes a rise ... in our interest in the ball club. The team we’d like to see PHX play that night: Houston, with Jimmy Jackson, Stevie Francis, Scott Padgett and Mo Taylor. Our only request: let Yao Ming play in his regular uni.

Each Team Outs One Player on the Opposing Squad Night: For one whole busy weekend on the NBA schedule, one player on every team at every game would have to wear a Bravo TV patch next to his name on the back of his uniform (similar to those Rose Bowl patches teams wear for the Jan 1 game). The player would be chosen by the opposing team, because, let’s face it folks, there’s a whole inside ring of Gay Athletes and Those Who Know They’re Gay. Now, at least for one weekend, we get to peek behind that pink curtain and get a glimpse at some of the closeted jocks who also play for our team. To prevent players from purposely going on Injured Reserved during this special weekend (you know who you are in Orlando, Toronto, and Indianapolis), the date of the weekend would be kept secret, only announced on Friday at game time.

Cruise Bathroom Night: Every gay man knows that a gay man isn’t a gay man until he’s gone hunting for meat in some bathroom in some mall, theatre, gym, boothstore, Home Depot, you name it (only to hook up with some straight, married guy who told his wife he was heading to the hardware store to take care of his drills). For one night, why not designate one restroom in every NBA arena as the place for men to be men? The twist (it’s the reality show era, there’s always a twist): the identity of the cruise restroom remains a secret throughout the evening.

Diversity Night: This could be a night when the majority of gay men actually discover that other gay men come in many shapes, colors and sizes. And some of them are even doable! The NBA could offer discount tickets to the 80% of all gay men who, regardless of their color, only date white men (or Latins, their exotic spin-off). The remaining unsold tickets would go to gay men who don’t act like Will or Grace, don’t have perfect porno-cover bodies, or simply come in the various and oftentimes very breathtaking other shades of the human species. Then, maybe then--please God then--perhaps we’ll see a decline in the countless number of online profiles that read: WHITES AND LATINS ONLY or NO BLACKS OR ASIANS or WHITES ONLY (SORRY, NO OFFENSE, IT’S JUST MY PREFERENCE). With Diversity Night, maybe gay men’s online profiles will cease to resemble the South in the 1950s).

Jockstraps, outted players, cruise restrooms, or opening gay men’s minds ... we’ll let PHX and the NBA take its pick. We’ll even give them a choice: choose two of the above and you can keep your stupid Church Night.

Randy's Outsports archive

Jan. 28, 2004