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Randy Boyd’s
first three novels have been nominated for a total of four Lambda
Literary Awards. And now, an exclusive Outsports.com announcement:
Randy’s next novel is Walt Loves the Bearcat, a story of love
and football.
Click here
for more on Randy’s first three novels.
By Randy Boyd
Talk around the Ballin’ water cooler is heating up with the playoffs on the horizon. Here now, a look at our crazy cast of (real life) characters, followed by their latest POVs on the NBA. Atypical Tod: Pennsylvania school teacher-type who loves sports and the men that play them. MarkNdaLBC: Pro photographer whose natural-born lenses are often focused on the bruthas in his Long Beach, Cali ’hood. Carol de Blazer: Fierce lesbian sister from Northern Cal who loves the Trail Blazers but cringes at the idea of being the One Dyke Voice in this column. And now, Water Cooler Woofin’: Ballin’: What do you think are the biggest surprises in the NBA season so far? Carol de Blazer: The Nets’ win streak, the rise of the Grizzlies from the depths, how well Minnesota has fit everyone together and the way the Blazers were able to remake their roster midseason. Atypical Tod: Surprise team, Minnesota. Surprise player, Carlos Boozer. MarkNdaLBC: So many coaches fired (and Jason Kidd not responsible for a one). Ballin’: Would you have fired Byron Scott, former coach of the Nets? Carol de Blazer: I questioned it. But I can't argue with the results. Atypical Tod: Good move! MarkNdaLBC: Not without a full physical exam, no rubber gloves needed. Ballin’: Come on now. We all know Phil Jackson is faking all this trauma with the Lakers, right? I mean, minus Kobe’s legal troubles, it’s all an act, right? The injuries, the losses, Gary Payton’s “I didn’t sign up for this” outburst. Phil knows drama and he knows that’s what the team needs to be challenged, right? Carol de Blazer: If Jackson wants drama, he's certainly getting it. But this was the team that was supposed to challenge the all-time win record, sweep the playoffs--there was not even any point in playing the season, the Lakers had won the title. The injuries are all too real. The Lakers are looking at maybe a #5 seed. Love it! Atypical Tod: Phil Jackson knows all! MarkNdaLBC: Are you saying my Zen master is a drama queen? Ballin’: He taught Rodman everything he knows. But that’s for another column. Who would you rather watch in a game in person, Carmelo Anthony or LeBron James? Carol de Blazer: Anthony is a bit more polished, but both are probably exciting. Atypical Tod: King James. He is a complete player.
MarkNdaLBC: Carmelo melts in your mouth, but King James is next to more beds in America. Ballin’: Who would you rather start your NBA franchise with, Anthony or James? Carol de Blazer: Tim Duncan. So far neither of these guys have proven anything, although they may in future. Ballin’: Sorry, Carol, Tim Duncan was not an option. One more outburst like that and you’ll be asked to return to your cubicle. Atypical Tod: James again, complete player. MarkNdaLBC: Time for another physical examine for both of them! Ballin’: Who would you rather go out with, Anthony or James? Carol de Blazer: 19-year-old boys just don't turn me on. Carmelo is the more handsome. Atypical Tod: (Brain freeze trying to decide). MarkNdaLBC: Need to borrow a ruler. Ballin’: Okay, Carol, at least tell us which team has the hottest dancers on the sidelines? Carol de Blazer: I am also not turned on by anorexics with big hair and super push-up bras. Give me the tall, muscular, sweaty, real-life women of the WNBA any day. Ballin’: Take away three little letters from that last sentence and the rest of us are right with ya. Anyway. Moving on. Is this year the T’Wolves finally get out of the first round? How far will they go? Carol de Blazer: Conference Finals, but I still would put my money on San Antonio if I had any money. Ballin’: Carol, you have no money? Sorry, we’ll talk about that later. Last question: your pics for the finals and the eventual champ. Carol de Blazer: I know this is boring, but probably the same match-up as last year (San Antonio and New Jersey) and the same result (Spurs win). Atypical Tod: New Jersey (Brooklyn) vs. LA. Winner: LA. MarkNdaLBC: Lakers, Pacers. Winner: LA. Ballin’: Mark, please leave the building. Nobody disses the Blue and Gold. The rest of you, back to work collecting player stats and hot pics. It’s time for a new feature, to be presented for the rest of the Ballin’ season: Who’s Not Gay. Nowadays, many pro jocks feel obligated to call press conferences to come out. As straight. Baseball’s Mike Piazza did it. Football’s Jeff Garcia did it. Now, as a service to the National Basketball Association, Ballin’ presents a new feature to make sure that heterosexuals and homosexuals everywhere get it in their minds ... Who’s Not Gay! Our first ever featured player on Who’s Not Gay...
Who will we out next? Stay tuned. Randy's Outsports archive Feb. 27, 2004 |
Now
that Carol de Blazer has agreed to stop flashing her right breast in
the hallways of Ballin’ headquarters, the talk around the
water cooler has turned once again to balls. As in the kind that
comes in baskets. That we like to see stuffed. With balls. Big
orange ones. All right, all right, minds out of the gutter!
Gary
Payton: The Glove is very gay-friendly (boy, is he?! Just ask
several of his best baller homies), but when the former Sonic turned
Laker throws a big birthday bash, things get freaky in a Snoop
Dog/Girls Gone Wild kind of way, not a Blow Buddies in San
Francisco kind of way. And the hired cops who safeguard Payton’s
parties from crashers can attest to the hetero hijinks. Besides, if
Gary were gay, he’d have gotten those crooked teeth fixed decades
ago. Gary Payton. Not Gay.