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Randy Boyd’s first three novels have been nominated for a total of
four Lambda Literary Awards. His next novel is Walt Loves the
Bearcat, a story of love and football.
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for more on Randy’s novels. Click here
for more on Randy’s first three novels.
By Randy Boyd
The playoffs are here. March Madness for bigger boys with bigger toys. Bigger, sweatier bodies sliding against one another in the post. Bigger arms and biceps reaching out for deeper penetration in the backcourt. Bigger men with more experience and less turnovers at the climatic crunch time. Of course, the balls are all the same size. Here now, Ballin’s fourth annual If Looks Could Win the Playoffs, where we size up the NBA postseason in the looks and talent department. EAST
Boston-Indiana
Talent: This ain’t your grandfather’s Celtics. Nothing to fear here for the Pacers, owners of the league’s best record. Paul Pierce will score a ton for the Green, but Al Harrington, Ron Artest and legit MVP candidate Jermaine O’Neal are so talented, Reggie Miller’s heroics won’t be called upon (much) until the next round. Looks: Boston’s Marcus Banks doesn’t get enough playing time, e.g., camera time, and Dana Barros is old news. The body of Artest alone wins this one for the Pacers. Fred Jones and Austin Croshere provide good backup in case Artest flakes like an AOL no-show. New York-New Jersey
Talent: Jason
Kidd vs. Stephon Marbury could be sweet, but
with a gimp Kidd and a gimp Kenyon Martin, Richard
Jefferson will be the man for the Nets over the Knicks, who
have a problem with Allan Houston’s absence. Milwaukee-Detroit
Talent: The Wallace Bruthas could do some damage in the East for years to come, barring somebody going off their rocker. Quick scrimmage for the Pistons. Looks: Decent looking players has always been a problem for Detroit, dating back to the Bad Boys, but the acquisition of Darvin Ham from Milwaukee will come back to hunt and destroy the Bucks. Besides, despite everything, Rasheed Wallace would still be worth a few good nights in the paint. New Orleans-Miami
Talent: Ah, yes, another mediocre 4/5 match up. Baron Davis would be a superstar if he played in New York. But emerging Dwayne Wade has more help in the form of Lamar Odom and Coach Stan Van Gundy. The Heat rises again in Miami. For a sec. Looks: Courtney Alexander is the go-to guy for the Hornets, who like the Pistons, can’t seem to get guys whose pics you’d want to download were you to see them naked on the ’net. Trust Ballin’ on this one: the Cuban men in the stands at Heat games would win World Cups if looks counted on the scoreboard.
WEST Denver-Minnesota
Talent: Carmelo and Co. had a great year. “Had” being the operative word. MVP shoe-in Kevin Garnett and the T’wolves have bigger prey in mind and they’ll finally get out of the first round and get their shot. Looks: Hard to believe but Minnesota’s Fred Hoiberg has aged well, considering he’s a pasty blond from Iowa State. He’s even holding onto the thinning hair he possessed since his rookie days in Indiana. Unfortunately for Fred, he’s got no support, not even from once revered Wally Sczerbiak, who’s ass has been on IR for eternity. Give this one to Denver’s cute Carmelo-ites, which includes Mark Pope (looking better than ever), Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Jeff Trepagnier, and Mike Doleac, who finally found the perfect ’do for his face: skinhead. Rockets-Lakers
Talent: Any team with Kobe is a team that could go far. Any team with Shaq is a team that can go ... oh, give it up. Looks: For a while, the Rockets looked like the league’s best looking team. But when it comes to crunch time, who you gonna take to the big dance in Palm Springs, Mo Taylor and Scott Padgett of Houston? Or Shaq’s big limbs and Kobe’s infectious ways? Hell, even Luke Walton of the Lakers is looking quite doable. Memphis-San Antonio
Talent: Grizzlies guru Jerry West has done a great job, but they’re still a few tweaks away from competing with Tim Duncan night after night in the late Spring. Looks: The Spurs are forever hurting in this department and Paul Gasol of Memphis is a one-man wrecking crew. Plus, in case no one noticed, the Grizz’s Jason Williams is looking better than ever, aging well like another former bad boy, Marky Mark. Mavericks-Kings
Talent: Poor Sacramento. Their windows of opportunity keep opening and closing like a trick door in a Harry Potter movie. With Bobby Jackson back and Dallas not really gelling, the Kings should stumble their way through and come out on top. Looks: The Kings are dead. Even C-Webb isn’t looking like the sexy MVP he can be. But they’re still way more doable than Dirk Nowitzki and Shawn Bradley. And the winners are .... Talent: Indiana Pacers shut San Antonio and the West up in Game 7 in Indianapolis. Looks: LeBron is sitting this one out so the award goes to ... Ron Artest. Randy's Outsports archive April 16, 2004 |
Cue
the Jock Jams mp3s. Get out your authentic jerseys and noize stix.
Somebody wake up Tim Duncan’s personality. Laker Haters Unite! 
