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Randy Boyd’s first three novels have been nominated for a total of
four Lambda Literary Awards. His next novel is Walt Loves the
Bearcat, a story of love and football.
Click here
for more on Randy’s novels. Click here
for more on Randy’s first three novels.
A Verdict on Kobe’s Greatness, Bedtime Stories and Who’s Calling Whom Gay
By Randy Boyd
That said, they are still men, and men do stupid things and sometimes horrible things, like allegedly raping another human being. But watching Kobe carry his whining teammates on his back (not to mention a couple of defenders) and watching him disappear into a triple team, only to see his arms and the ball all emerge from the conflict, oftentimes producing an incredulous basket at a most crucial time--Ballin’ can’t help ranking the following three potential Eagle, Colo., scenarios in the following order, from least likely to most likely:
Not because Bryant is a great athlete, but because Bryant is a person whose greatness within is on full throttle, and although men do terrible, terrible things, it seems unlikely that Bryant, in his physical and mental prime, a prime 99% of the population can’t even imagine existing, committed rape on the night in question. In other non-Kobe, playoff-related items ... But Does Bird Need Anger Management?Ron Artest is the new Larry Bird. They have similar builds, the same broad bodies and shoulders (OK, Artest has twenty times the bulk), and the same semi-awkward gracelessness. More importantly, their heads are in the game every single tick of the clock. They embarrass lazy passers, guys loafing back on defense and players who stop before the whistle tells them to. Neither man possesses the fluid movements of say, Paul Pierce or James Worthy. Nor do Artest or Bird have the greatest inside games facing the basket. But what they both know how to do is use their bodies to their advantage, to draw a foul or snake around a defender’s torso (as opposed to his whole body) and clear just enough space on the court (usually in places not obvious to the rest of us) to get off a funky shot reminiscent of the peach bucket days. Not pretty but who gives a shoe? Watching the Pacers’ tamed(?) bad boy is as enjoyable as watching the ole Bird. It’s almost as if ... if Bird were black and had muscles worthy of Black Workout 44 ... or if Artest sounded like a masculine Gomer Pyle and wore a Celtic green jersey ... or if Bird had destroyed a $100,000 digital camera at Madison Square Garden ... But Is Garnett Really Gay? Can You Tell Us That? Thank God that Nuggets rookie Francisco Elson has seen the light and is no longer homophobic. One night he’s calling Minnesota’s Kevin Garnett “gay” after some very physical (and personal) playoff-level fouls. The very next day Elson is issuing apologies to Denver’s gay and lesbo community and declares, “I have learned a valuable lesson.” What lesson has he learned so hastily, we wonder? Keep your homophobic comments to yourself so it doesn’t mess with your wallet or your mojo? Or that your words and actions can hurt people that you don’t even know? And maybe you shouldn’t go around mouthing off disparaging remarks that reflect negatively upon any entire group of people because you don’t know that entire group of people, and you couldn’t possibly say or think anything--positive or negative--that reflects an entire population anyway? MEMO TO ALL OF US: Substitute “homophobic” for the group you have an issue with and see where that gets you. Everything you need to know about Playoff Games 3 and 4. As former NBC and current Blazers announcer Snapper Jones stresses, basketball is a game of momentum and runs. Never is that more evident than in the playoffs, where momentum and runs are as crucial as defense and home court advantage. But it helps to realize some of the natural born elements that affect the flow of any playoff series. For instance, the team hosting the first two games typically goes up 2-0 and all looks sweaty and swell. In reality--and champions know this--they’ve only done what they needed to do: win at home. Expect Game 3 to go the way of the team down 0-2. They have everything to lose and on most nights, the NBA team with more to lose wins. Their crowd will be bouncing off the rafters. The cum towels will be waving. The bells and whistles will be thunderous, especially in the opening minutes. This is where Jones emphasizes: “They need to just withstand this run and emotion.” Champions remain calm, realize what’s going on and don’t get caught up. Good coaches and team leaders go a long way here. Others go home. A few 2-0 teams can hold back the charge and go up 3-0 after Game 3, but these days, there are too many very good players on too many teams for this to happen often. Plus, playas do have a thing called pride and it ain’t all ’bout da benjamins. So the series is 2-1 now and then comes one of the most exciting events in sports: Game 4, after which the series will be 3-1 and all but over or 2-2 and all but started. Some of the best NBA games come out of Game 4, the most pivotal game other than Game 7. Bedtime Stories with Special EffectsShaquille O’Neal made a great point in an interview on TNT: when a car hits a brick wall at a hundred miles an hour, the car bounces back and is in terrible shape, but the wall is still standing there, so it looks like the wall hit the car; but in reality, the car hit the wall. To replicate the impact, Shaq punched his hand without warning and with the speed of Ali in his prime. The force of his massive fist pounding into the massive palm of his massive claw was so powerful, there was flinching all around Ballin’ headquarters, even when knowing the fist was coming again and again on TIVO. Shaq ended his lesson to those of us not weighing two tons of muscle with a mystical--borderline fabulous--smile, and said (as if he were summing up a mystery to children): “That’s physics.” Mass. Muscles. Charm. Wit. Success. Large jock strap. Any reason not to want to date this man, were he single, gay and available with a profile and a pic? Randy's Outsports archive May 12, 2004 |
Lately,
more often than not, Kobe Bryant has demonstrated nothing
short of superhuman ability and concentration on the court. Night
after night he’s performed at a level than can best be described as
Jordanesque Or Beyond. Like Mike, Kobe competes on a level
most of us can’t relate to. Their thoroughly competitive spirit is
as much a part of their DNA as their sweat, and that spirit is not
confined to the hardwood. The beauty they create between the
baselines is merely the physical manifestation of their drive to be
successful human beings in as many aspects of their lives as
possible. Men like Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan are
literally on top of their game in every way imaginable.