Column

First Gays, Then Animals,
Then More Cock-Teases

By Randy Boyd
For Outsports.com

Dear John Smoltz of the Atlanta Braves, 

I agree with your gay marriage comment. No, not the PR-driven “my bad” that you’re trying to pitch to us now. I’m talking about your OC. Your original comment. See, no matter how you spin it, meant it, glaze it, daze it or make it disappear into thin air, you made your point of view on gays and the idea of gays marrying quite clear when you said: 

“What’s next? Marrying animals?” 

There’s no mistaking how you feel about homos when those words come out of your mouth in that order. And I say ... right on! 

They just don’t get it, most homosexuals. Don’t they realize that marriage was invented for the red-blooded, natural citizens of nature? That marriage is the institution by which we teach our children basic values and how keep society from going all crazy and doing very unseemly and unnatural things? 

If we start marrying Adam and Adam or Eve and Eve, the results will be catastrophic. The fallout will fall out even in the sports world, I’m afraid, which is why we need good, upstanding and conservative natural citizens of nature like you, Mr. Smoltz, to speak out. 

Just imagine, if gays marry, the whole world will go crazy and not know what to make of marriage anymore, and the sports world will not be immune to the chaos. 

--A famous pitcher could be playing for, say, the Cleveland Indians one day, then the next day, get attacked by his wife and his wife’s high heel while speeding down the highway. 

--Strapping, good looking white pro quarterbacks will have to resort to dating 25 cock-teases simultaneously on national television, and after a little more time than it takes to play an NFL game, he’ll be forced to choose one to be his fairy god princess and bride for life. 

--Love children of the gladiators of sports will start coming out of the woodwork, announcing themselves as the product of extra-marital hook-ups, sullying big name guys we worship, guys as big as Tug McGraw, Karl Malone, Doctor J, and Strom Thurmond (member of the original Ancient Greek Nude Olympic Wrestling Team). 

--If gays are allowed to marry. What’s next? Groups of people marrying? Baseball player husbands cheating on spouses as beautiful as Halle Berry? Basketball player husbands going on business trips to Colorado, then having to remind their young wives they love them with $4,000,000 rings? Football players become so rich and famous they’re raising the kids of the wife/mother they butchered? 

--If homos honeymoon, watch society crumble. Watch millions of human beings of the female persuasion dedicate their lives to getting laid by as many athletes as possible, some for future child support, some just for the pure pleasure of being able to fuck a jock. Watch these women spend hours at team hotels and places the players frequent, just to be a (damned lucky) piece of tail for some married pro athlete. 

You’re damned right, Mr. Smoltz, gays need to keep their noses out of the good old fashioned institution of marriage. Image if that whacko hockey player and his “roommate/lover/agent” had been married when the whacko hockey player tried to hire a hit man to off his “spouse”? They got a right to be married? No way! Only natural citizens of nature deserve the privilege of being total jackasses to their Dearly Beloveds. 

Marriage should continue to be reserved for men and women, because only straight people can understand, value and respect the sacred commitment of matrimony, that is when they’re not hitting one another with high heels on the freeway or pretending to be strong family men while denying the existence of loose seed that continues to grow in the form of a fatherless child. 

Good thinking, Mr. Smoltz, glad to see you have an open mind and a good grip on reality. Pitch on!  

Randy's Outsports archive

July  21, 2004