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Randy Boyd’s first three novels have been nominated for a total of
four Lambda Literary Awards. His next novel is Walt Loves the
Bearcat, a story of love and football.
Click here
for more on Randy’s first three novels.
Imploding Asses and Flagrant
Dismissals
By
Randy Boyd And so it ends, not with a CBS montage of college boys clenching hands on the bench, not with another banner at Staples in LA, not even with another banner in the allegedly better Western Conference. Nope, the season ends like it has every year for the last three, with the Big Balls Awards. Roll ’em out, boys.... The Seattle Kingdome Award. Looked like a good idea at the time (pretty, interesting features, showed major promise), but in the end, it was too clunky, uninspired and not really fun to be part of. Mercifully, it imploded and disappeared into a falling dust cloud. Congratulations, this year’s Los Angeles Lakers, this heap of ashes on a plaque is for you. The Pudge Rodriguez Acquisition of the Year. The Florida Marlins hired the plucky baseball catcher with the ass as big as his native Puerto Rico and won the most recent World Series. The Detroit Pistons brought onboard the funky Rasheed Wallace with an attitude as big as Pudge’s ass and ... presto ... Mo’ Rings fo’ Motown. The Most Flagrant Betrayal, er, Foul Ever Award. Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers pops an opponent in the head in the waning moments of a tied and pivotal playoff game. Trusting him in the clutch again is like saying, “Yes, Eric Benet, I’ll marry you, even though you cheated on your wife Halle Berry more often than Maury Povich does paternity tests.” Top Three Nominee for Worst Job in Sports. Evita and gay bois aren’t the only ones with revolving doors so prominently featured in their worlds. Hoop franchises go through head coaches as if you can just use one up, then log back into Coachhunt.com and snag another one. Bryon Scott serves the New Jersey Nets like no one has in decades and is hastily let go for a younger kid. Rick Carlisle helps the Pistons rise to the top, then is dismissed for a guy with a hotter profile. Who knew gay men and NBA general managers had so much in common? The Obligatory Mention. Kobe Bryant has been accused of rape, but only admits to having a consensual trick. Stay tuned for more than you ever wanted to know about some young woman in Colorado (and more than she ever wanted you to know about her). What We Should Really Be Talking About Instead of Kobe (Lifetime Achievement Award). Men: we all get it. Males are physically bigger and stronger than females. Stop forcing your shit on our/your mothers, sisters, aunts, daughters, grandmothers, wives, girlfriends, friends. Women: know your limits, express them in the loudest way possible. Don’t tease men. It’s not their brains they want you to fuck with. Everybody (No Matter Who You Sex): make your intentions known, think about what you’re expressing with your words, your tone of voice, your body, your get-up, your online profile. All of these things put out a message about you. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Loud and clear. The Rookie of the Year Final Rose Ceremony. It’s come down to King James of Cleveland, ’Melo from Denver, and our surprise twist candidate ... Dwayne Wade, the new Heat in Miami. Now we’ve met them all, found out a little about them, seen them perform on and off the court, seen them in evening wear, active wear, and for those of you who watched during February sweeps, who could ever forget 3-D Shower Cam? And now, after careful consideration, deliberation, and endless tearful sessions in the confessional, Ballin’ has made its choice for Rookie Who Can Play for Any Team We’re On ... Dwayne Wade of the Miami Heat. “Because,” chimes in a misty eyed Ballin’, “Wade was so da stud in the playoffs, meaning he’s miles ahead of the other two in that department. Plus, of the three boys, Wade is the one who looks like he’ll be the hottest and sexiest Man when he’s all grown up.” The Come Back and Hang Out With Us Sometime ... Please, Award. Three-way. Tie, that is. We missed injured Chris Webber’s infectious smile this year and his hobbling back into the action at season’s end wasn’t nearly enough of a C-Webb fix. And let’s face it, Young Karl Malone may have been a truck driving redneck who questioned the ability of Magic Johnson’s sweat to ruin his D&D FREE life, but Mature Karl Malone is one hella lookin’ brutha. And he’s supposedly cured of, well, at least, AIDS-phobia. We’re guessing another year in LA might help chip away at any remaining homophobia in the good ole country boy. The third recipient of this award ... and we’re hoping it’s not a lifetime achievement one ... is Grant Hill. We hardly knew ya, big guy. Do something, even if it’s in the studio. Surely you still have a lot to contribute. Right? Man of the Year. Jermaine O’Neal of the Pacers. A few years ago, he was a skinny high school graduate who played for Portland and looked like a mosquito flailing around Shaq’s massive body in the Western Conference playoffs. Now he’s a given Indiana a post-Reggie Miller raison d’etre and the Eastern Conference a competitive identity, one that the Pistons eventually co-opted on the way to an implosion. Could’ve Been Man of the Year. That special player with guts, and hopefully a household name, who decides to live all his truth and be all the man that he is to all the world. No shame. Nothing to hide. No regrets. Click here for the 2002 Big Balls Awards Click here for the 2003 Big Balls Awards Randy's Outsports archive July 8, 2004 |
