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Randy is the
author of three novels, including his latest, The Devil Inside, The
Suspense Thriller.
More about Randy.
His publishing company is looking for short stories for Men in
Jocks: Stories of Athletes and Sports Nuts.
Details here. How About Some Super Balls?
By Randy Boyd
Note to Al: here’s a new slogan for the franchise … Just Show Up, Baby. Please? Thank David Stern the NBA finals are never that boring. With basketball, even if one game of the best-of-seven championship series is a clunker, there are three to six others with potential to shine. But what if the NBA decided to emulate some of the elements of the NFL’s big day? After all, the Super Bowl is the world’s biggest event (OK, outside the World Cup and Gulf War II). And let’s face it, the NBA could use a little gridiron magic in the post-post-post Jordan era. Or at least a smattering of that pixie dust that hovers over the football field after the halftime extravaganza. The NBA could also use a fraction of the big game’s ratings. So here now, some suggestions for commish Stern on how to make the NBA finals more like the Super Bowl: Clone Coach Gruden: Let’s face it, Dallas’s Don Nelson is a great teacher of young men in jocks, but People magazine won’t be penciling him into their Most Beautiful Faces issue any time soon. Ditto for Kings guru Rick Adelman, Hornets headman Paul Silas, Milwaukee’s George Karl and the list goes on and on. What the NBA really needs is a magnificent manly mug like that of Super Bowl champs’ head pirate Jon Gruden. If the Clonaid Raelians can Xerox humans, why can’t the Boston Celtics? All they need to do is swipe a strand of Chucky—er—Jon’s silky blond locks, and voila … watch ABC and ESPN’s rating increase threefold during the playoffs. Invite Canadians to Lip-Sync American Standards: OK, so the NFL has finally admitted to pre-tapping most, if not all, of the “singing” before, during and after the game (to be fair, the Dixie Chicks asked the NFL if they could perform it live and were turned down flat). But the canned vocals haven’t stopped the tear-shedding and rockets-red-glare pride swelling fans feel in the stands or the den. Hell, football even gets away with Canadian divas doing covers of “America the Beautiful.” And the NBA has even more claim to Celine Dion, what with us still keeping one team north of the border (and never getting a proper “thank you” from the city of Toronto). Maybe she can chest-thump her way through the Titanic theme song during an upcoming Lakers game. Make More Bad Calls When It Really Counts: Good thing Tampa Bay didn’t need the officials challenge it lost in the opening moments of the game when the refs blew that non-fumble call which ended up being reversed in Tampa’s favor. But horrendous calls throughout this year’s playoffs haven’t dampened fans hunger for football, so why not have a few during the NBA finals? Kings are down by four with 3 seconds to play. Mike Bibby passes it to Bobby Jackson for a desperation three. Richard Jefferson of the Nets lunges at him and catches his forearm. The two players go two-stepping for a few beats. The ball flies out of Jackson’s hands, sails towards the goal and hits nothing but net. Foul, basket counts, even though it shouldn’t and the Kings should just be awarded three free throws, not a four point play that ties the game and alters the course of the basketball universe. Think of the controversy around the water cooler. Oh, wait a minute, this already happened. Knicks vs. Pacers in 1999. Larry Johnson. Antonio Davis. Eastern Conference finals. New York wins the game and the series with the momentum of the blown call. Never mind. Run Homophobic Commercials During the NBA Telecasts: An upside-down clown walks into a bar, drinks beer outta his ass (like we’re too damned dumb to figure out that’s really his head). Next he asks for a hot dog. The bartender says no way. Yes, that’s the punch line: real men don’t stick projectiles up their asses, not in real bars that sell Bud Light anyway. Adam Sandler has a new wacky movie coming out (really, and it’s different than his last wacky movie?). He finds himself in the same bed with another male. The other male remarks, “In some European countries, it’s customary for two men to share a bed.” Adam’s response: “Thank God I’m an American.” Note to Sandler: tonight, in the country you’re so proud to be part of, millions of men will be sharing a bed. Some of them even play in Super Bowls and NBA finals. Randy's Outsports archive Jan. 28, 2003 |
Maybe Oakland
owner Al Davis should have benched all his players and let
those rabid fans suit up on Super Sunday. You know, those fans who
come to the Raider games painted in black-and-silver face and dressed
in all kinds of spiky knockoffs from the Roman gladiator department at
Costume World. Surely they couldn’t have played any worse than the pro
jocks they worshipped all year. Surely the ordinary citizens of Raider
Nation wouldn’t have played with any less urgency and heart.