Baseball

(Announcers voice:) Anton Gorleski, like Kilgore Trout of Vonnegut fame, spent many years living in Cohoes, New York.  At an early age he realized his uncanny ability to combine his love of sports and dry wit, with the channeling of dead celebrities.  Striving to keep as normal a life as the Ritalin would allow, he kept his talents to himself until “discovered” by Outsports.  His opinions are his own, and should not be copied, recorded or redistributed without the expressed written permission of his doctors or Major League Baseball. 

(Polite clapping) 

Thank you and good evening.  Welcome to another installment of Crossing Over the Base Paths.  With the start of the 2005 Major League Baseball season, we wanted to devote this episode to a look at the upcoming season, warts and all. 

Joining me today is a man who needs no introduction and whose powers of observation are unparalleled.  Only recently was I able to contact him and he graciously agreed to appear on this program.  Ladies and Gentlemen, Carnac the Magnificent!!! 

(Standing ovation from studio audience as Carnac materializes to traditional music from India.) 

Thank you Carnac for joining us. 

Carnac:  Indeed. 

Let us begin.  I have in my hand several envelopes.  A child of 4 can plainly see these envelopes are hermetically sealed. They've been kept since last October next to a bottle of Levitra inside Cyd Ziegler’s underwear drawer. No one-but one! -knows the contents. In his mystical, and borderline way, Carnac will now ascertain the answers having never heard the questions.  Carnac, here is the first envelope.   

Answer: Give a clean urine sample.
(Carnac opens one end of the envelope, pulls out a slip of paper and reads the question inside.)
Question: What does it take to get Barry Bonds' autograph? 

Hitting a little below the belt on that one, aren’t we

Carnac?  Let’s just leave ol’ Barry and out of this for a while.   Oh and Barry, Easter is over. Time to come down of that cross you’re bearing.  Cheers! 

The next envelope… 

A:  Jason Giambi, Dennis Franz, John Kerry
Q:  Name three asses you don’t want to see in a locker room. 

(Bronx Cheers rise up from the studio audience) 

May the curse of 10,000 chilidogs burn your bits, when you sit!! 

This whole issue of steroids affecting the game is such a red herring.  There have been so many other changes within baseball that have done more than one juiced up player could ever do.  I’m not saying that the steroid issue does not need to be addressed; I’m saying it’s not the only factor in how baseball’s power numbers got inflated.   

Look at the new ballparks constructed over the last ten years.  Nearly all of them are in some way hitter’s parks, not pitcher’s parks.  If you’re batting in Houston’s Minute Maid Park, you have hit the ball about 325 feet to left field for a home run instead of the 350 feet inside the old Houston Astrodome.  Obviously, the total number of home runs will go up, as players don’t have to hit as far. 

Every team now has a five-man pitching rotation.  Multiply by 30 teams and you have 150 starting pitchers.  In 1990, most teams had a four-man rotation, and there were only 26 teams or 104 starters.  That’s nearly a 50% increase in need for quality pitching and I doubt every starter today would have started in 1990.  Most of today’s “fifth starters” would have been in the bullpen, or starting in AAA ball.  Poorer quality pitching equals greater offensive opportunity.   

So in 2005 if one player has a career year hitting, (like Baltimore’s Javy Lopez in 2003 when he hit 43 home runs) he must be on steroids, and probably secretly a homosexual or communist.  It’s not that he just was hitting well, or performed like a professional athlete should, no, you’re cheating.  Let the witch-hunts begin! 

(Carnac taps foot impatiently) 

My apologies O Great Sage!  Here is the next envelope. 

A:  15,272.
Q:  What is the combined weight of the Los Angeles Dodgers pitching staff in Dodger Dogs? 

Many thanks to the owners of the Dodger Blues website (http://www.dodgerblues.com) for compiling these numbers which I have recomputed for the trade of Kaz Ishii to the Mets.  Given the recent news articles about NFL and NBA athletes being considered overweight and obese, I would hate to see what they would say about Major League Baseball.   

Sure you guys are off the steroids, and all the rest of the supplements, but eat a vegetable once in a while.  Only Dodgers’ pitcher Jeff Weaver can eat like that anymore.  And that’s only because he’s auditioning to be Matthew Lillard’s body double in the upcoming “Scooby Doo 3:  What the Hell Were We Thinking?” (featuring a cameo by Cher!)  Even Boston Red Sox pitcher David Wells is calling Dodger starter Brad Penny, “Fatty” these days.  Face it, fans want to see professional athletes who work hard, and play the game right, and if you do that, well gee, this audience will be happy, as most of you will look good too! 

A:  104 in Detroit.
Q:  Where and at what age will Atlanta Braves first baseman Julio Franco retire? 

Yes Julio Franco is the oldest player in Major League Baseball, but it’s Houston’s John Franco that sure looks it.  When you have AP sportswriter Paul Newberry recently describing the 46-year-old Julio Franco as having a, “workout regimen for the ages” and a, “narrow waistline and rock hard stomach melding into wide shoulders and massive biceps,” one definitely takes a second look, or even a third, and wonders gee why can’t they all do that? 

A:  Ted Williams, Satchel Paige, and Dave Drevecky.

Q:  Which former major leaguer’s body parts will Boston General Manager Theo Epstein purchase to keep Curt Schilling alive during the 2005 American League Playoffs? 

So what’s the deal with all these ball players risking greater injuries rather than getting needed medical attention?  I am all for taking one for the team, and playing though some minor pain.  Heck, I’m taping this episode of Crossing Over the Base Paths with not one, but TWO hangnails!   

Barry Bonds, believe it or not, is correct when he says, “People don’t pay $60 to see me not play.”  Well Barry, I guess a lot of baseball fans will be bitterly disappointed in 2005.  The point is fans also do not want to see St. Louis Cardinals’ slugger Albert Pujols hobble around the bases either just because he deferred heel surgery for a year.  And don’t even get me started on Schilling and the whole bloody sock debacle. 

A:  $29 million over four years.
Q:  Based on his 2004 post-season prediction record, how much would Anton Gorleski receive as a free-agent starting pitcher? 

Ouch that hurts!  But as Karen Walker of “Will & Grace" would say, “It’s funny cause it’s true.”  Sure I admit that I went 4-3 last October with my playoff predictions.  Sure I thought St. Louis was going to win the 2004 World Series in five games.  I admit it, and my mediocrity should be rewarded handsomely right?   

Wrong!  Why should anyone reward poor performance with a raise?   Hell I’ve already been relegated to this show while newbie correspondent Sean “Hot Lips” Holihan gets to do the season preview!  By the way, if you haven’t read Sean’s preview, it’s great, and you can find it right here. 

But anyway, out of all the professional sports, only baseball believes a .500 record deserves a reward.  Yes, Kris Benson and Ben Sheets of the New York Mets and Milwaukee Brewers respectively, I’m talking directly to you.  A 13-13 record in 2004 should not get you $6 million to $7 million a year.  I know Kris, you probably need the money to pay for your wife’s enormous rack, but hell, Shawn friggin’ Estes went 15-8 with Colorado, and he is only getting $2.5 million this year!  A mediocre player in any of the other professional sports leagues will find himself either released from the team and his career over, have their role reduced, be traded to a mediocre team, or even sent to a minor league team.  The owners need to reward success and not reward failure.  Some of them are businessmen aren’t they? 

Teams must feel with attendance and the sport’s visibility at its highest since the 1994 strike year, that they can see light at the end of the tunnel in labor relations and pay anyone what they want.  Everyone is happy cause the bucks are rolling in.  Well folks, it’s not daylight at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train.  Nope, it’s the sunlight glittering off the NHL’s skates where they already fell off the cliff.  And you’re heading towards it at full speed!   

Get ready ladies and gentlemen. Owners like Baltimore’s Peter Angelos and Pittsburgh’s Kevin McClatchy are already complaining about the spending habits of other owners and the greed of the players.  Eventually these have-nots will force the haves into taking a salary cap position to control spending.  Then you can say goodbye to that season and probably the next.  

(Carnac sighs impatiently) 

Yes, yes, here is the next envelope Your Sagacity. 

A:  The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Q:  What is the worst marketing idea since New Coke? 

OK, let me see if I get this right.  Take a product that for some time has been dependable. Tinker with its basics, and repackage your product to an unwilling public used to the original.   Then when the public outcry becomes too much, go back to the original and spend years trying to remove the public perception that it was all just a marketing ploy. 

Well, Arte Moreno (Angel’s owner), change did not work for The Coca Cola Company in 1985, and it certainly will not work for you in 2005.  For 40 years, the Angels have been trying not to be the second team in L.A., but keep themselves distinct.  Why do you have to rattle your fans cage?  Just go out there and win!  It’s all your fans ask and you’ll be back to being the Anaheim Angels once the first court case is heard. 

A:  Nick Johnson, Garfield, and George W. Bush
Q:  Name a Nat, a cat, and a rat? 

Why is there such a buzz about the “new” Washington Nationals?  This is virtually the same team that finished in last place two years in a row.  I’m not saying that the Nationals cannot compete or are going to lose 125 games; at best they will be the spoiler late in the season as to who wins the National League East.  They’re not the Yankees or Giants, who tend to sell out stadiums on the road, but why does everyone want to see them?      

Funny thing is, people are going to spend five times as much to see the Nationals play in Washington, as they would last year when the team was in Montreal.  Now I think we can all understand why folks in Washington never see anything wrong with  $600 toilet seats.   

A:  Susan Lucci.
Susan Lucci??

Yes that’s what I just said.  Susan Lucci. (Carnac slowly opens the envelope)

Q:  Who will marry the Philadelphia Phanatic on Aug. 18, 2005, providing the only on-field drama during an otherwise horrifying Phillies 2005 season?
(Carnac dematerializes and Anton ducks for cover as batteries rain down from the audience) 

“May your children be born with faces that resemble the backsides of hippos with diaper rash!!!” 

Brotherly love indeed!  Sheesh!  Even some of the Phillies most loyal fans know they are not going anywhere this year.  Heck, I’ll predict they finish behind the Nationals and in last place where they have been more times than the Yankees have won the World Series. 

No what I wanted to discuss was the continued increase in the number of major league teams welcoming Gay Day events in their stadiums.  Even before the season starts, events are planned with six of the 30 Major League teams, with more announcements expected as the year progresses   

We here at Crossing Over the Base Paths would also like to give a great big shout out to Outsports discussion board members Larry “Scottie” Felzer and Mark Kari “Canmark” for their continued efforts to promote Gay Days throughout baseball and the gay community.  Larry has been a tireless organizer for Philadelphia’s Gay Community Night that drew more than 1,500 people to Citizens Bank Park last year.  Information on this year’s event can be found on their website www.phillygaydays.com.  Mark continues his work on promoting all Gay Day events (especially his hometown Blue Jays day) through his personal website www.gaybaseballdays.com where you can find information on team events past and present.  Let’s give them a round of applause shall we? 

(Rousing cheers from the audience) 

Wow, listen to that!  I bet we won’t hear such enthusiasm from the Philadelphia contingent until the Eagles start playing again.  Quick!  Before I’m forced to eat scrapple, let's go on to the next envelope. 

A:  A triple, a home run, a catcher’s glove, a first baseman’s glove, Dolly Parton
Q:  Name two big hits, two big mitts, and a Country & Western signer? 

Okay, that one is for all the women (and maybe the couple of straight boys) who have gotten this far without changing the channel.   

A:  The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Q:  What is the address of Wrigley Field in Chicago? 

Ah, Baseball’s one great remaining “curse.”  One cannot talk about the traditions of baseball without describing the futility that is the Cubbies.  Yes folks, the Cubs still haven’t won a World Series since 1908, still haven’t been to the World Series since 1945, and still won’t this year.  It’s not that your team is cursed, its just Cubs management knows squat about the game!    

What the heck is with your scouting over there in Chi-town?  Signing Jeromy Burnitz to replace Sammy Sosa.  Burnitz has been already been a boom of good times as a free agent for the Dodgers, Rockies, Brewers and Mets (twice!).  Plus, when you look for pitching talent, find someone that doesn’t break down every third game.  I’m starting to think that your starters, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior are going to spend more time on the DL than on the mound this year.   If you want a prediction for 2005:  Think Fourth!  But don’t worry Cubs fans; at least you know you’ll never walk alone! 

A:  The Minnesota Twins
Q:  Which team makes history by defeating three recent Champions in the playoffs on their way to the 2005 World Series title.

In all deference to my good friend Sean who thinks the Cleveland Indians are the team to beat in the American League Central, it will be the Twins who take the Central Division for the fourth straight year and then begin an improbable playoff run.  They will defeat the 2004 Champion Boston Red Sox in the AL Division Series, then follow up by defeating the 2002 Champion California Angels in the AL Championship Series.  Then they will take out a tired, but still talented 2003 Champion Florida Marlins squad in five games.

(Crickets chirp in the audience)

Ummm... I guess it's time for the next envelope. 

A:  The Kansas City Royals, The Toronto Blue Jays, and Jeff Gannon.
Q:  Name three things that people will pay to watch suck. 

Didn’t I say no hitting below the belt??  Jeez.  Better not touch that one with a 10-foot Pole or two 5-foot Italians.  Now, I have in my hand the final envelope!  

(Applause.  Carnac glares at the crowd) 

A:  The Twins’ Johan Santana, Former Phillies Star Doug Glanville, and Jose Canceco.
Q:  Given the popularity of Poker on ESPN, name an Ace, a Queen and a Joker? 

Oof!!!  Methinks Carnac may have stayed one question too long!   

(Carnac dematerializes with a wave and a bow) 

Well that concludes our episode for tonight.  Thank you everyone for joining us this evening.  I hope you’ll be with us next time on Crossing Over the Base Paths when Billy Martin, Lou Costello and Totie Fields join me for an enlightening and amusing roundtable discussion of the Infield Fly Rule.  Good night everyone! 

(Fade to black) 

Anton Gorleski can be reached via e-mail; he is also often found on the Outsports Discussion Board as BPT336 where he occupies the center square of everyone’s heart, but most know he’s somewhere out in left field where the bluebirds roam.  He also admits to marrying PhillyFan. 

April 4, 2005