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One story,
thousands of replies
A coming out tale generates
support, anger and some odd photos
By Matt Coin
Outsports.com
When I
wrote an
article for Outsports in 2005 on my coming out
experience as a collegiate tennis player at the University
of California at Santa Barbara, I was unprepared for the
onslaught of e-mails I was to receive, e-mails that still
come in and continue to move me.
 In
the thousands of messages I received since June, 2005 (900
the first day alone), I heard from people all over the world
-- gay and straight, in and out of the closet, star athletes
and benchwarmers, and people in general who felt that they
could relate. Most of the athletes played individual sports,
though there were some in team sports, such as basketball
and baseball.
The hardest
part about reading the e-mails was to process everything.
The e-mails poured in, one after another, and I wanted to
read every single one. I was so new to being out myself and
I suddenly was presented with thousands of stories from
people asking for my support and advice.
Among the
e-mails I received, most were positive, but there were a few
negative ones as well. The e-mails were an emotional
rollercoaster to read; some made me laugh, some made me cry,
and some made me very thankful to have support from my
family and friends.
It is
difficult to put into words the types of e-mails I received,
but in an attempt to generalize, the responses congratulated
me, criticized me, shared a story, or sought advice. There
were also some emails that included pictures, but I’ll get
to those later.
The
congratulatory e-mails were typically one word –
“Congratulations!” However, the lengthier congratulatory
e-mails were usually from men who never had the support that
my generation has right now.
A 42 year
old man wrote, “Congratulations. I am happy for you that
your family has offered their support. My partner and I have
lived together for 15 years in New Hampshire. Even though
all of my partner’s clothes are in my room, my parents think
we are friends. I don’t know if I am more hurt by their
denial or that they are stupid enough to believe that I buy
their act. Anyway, congratulations and good luck!”
The
negative responses were the most difficult for me to read. I
read several e-mails and postings in response to the article
that questioned the accuracy of the support I received. I
was on Cloud 9 when I wrote the article, and thought that no
one could knock me down.
“You should
not have written this article,” began one e-mail. “It is a
cookie-cutter story that isn’t true. There is no way that
you had such support from a family that grew up in New
Jersey. Your story falsely encourages young teenagers to
come out of the closet and provides false hope of support,
hugs, and kisses. You should really think about that when
you go to sleep at night.”
At first, I
was speechless. I was tempted to reply, but decided that I
did not need to defend myself. The person who wrote this was
right about one thing – I did think about his e-mail that
night, but I never questioned whether or not I should have
written the article. My article was an accurate description
of the support I received. Now, two years later, I realize
that I am very lucky, and that not everyone has the same
support that I have. My goal was not to encourage people to
come out, but instead to tell my story because I think that
it is important for people to read about positive coming out
stories.
The
majority of responses I received were from those who wanted
to share their stories with me. One of my favorite stories
came from a 16-year-old high school boy who wrote, “I am on
the swim team at school and came out to my family one year
ago. At first, it was hard because no one but my parents
knew and they didn’t know if I should go to school dances
with girls, but now everyone knows. I am out! Everyone is so
cool about it. I feel so good inside. I wish you could have
come out at a younger age.”
I came out
at the age of 21 and have been told how lucky I am that I
came out at such a young age. After reading this e-mail, I
realized that overall, things are improving. Awareness is
only going to provide more opportunities for those in the
closet to feel comfortable coming out.
One of the
hardest stories to read came from a college student in
Virginia. He wrote, “I joined a fraternity at my school and
one day, my roommate walked in on me looking at guys on the
internet. He yelled for several of our so called ‘brothers’
and they beat me so badly that I ended up in the hospital. I
am lucky to be alive. I never told my parents the real
reason I was beaten up.” The e-mail continued with how torn
up he is inside. He transferred colleges and is in the
closet to this day.
Among the
emails from those wishing to share their story with me, were
some from people I already knew. These e-mails were by far
the most eye opening because it showed me that anyone can
hide this secret, even people I already knew.
I reunited
with
Sean
Burns, another Outsports author, who attempted to
recruit me to Santa Clara University out of high school. I
not only stay in touch with Sean, but he and I earned a
silver medal in doubles together at the 2006 Gay Games in
Chicago.
One of
the professional athletes who wrote me was a tennis player.
He and I have become good friends and have visited one
another across the country. He has since come out to his
family and friends, but remains closeted to his opponents on
tour. It was a remarkable experience to watch a friend
through his coming out process. He has received only support
from friends and family.
A UCSB
track athlete who wrote was someone that was immediately
under my nose. I had met him at parties, seen him in the
training room, and even watched him practice, but I had no
idea that he was living his life in the closet the same way
that I was. He and I have become friends and continue to
keep in touch.
The father
of a childhood friend reached out to me and I was unable to
respond. This man is still in the closet, married with grown
children, and has since moved out of New Jersey with his
wife. He trusted me with this information and that was like
nothing I had ever experienced. I still keep in contact with
my friend, and I feel torn every time I speak to him, but I
know that it is not my place to say anything.
I received
e-mails requesting advice, which was difficult for me to
comprehend because I was still dealing with my own comfort
level at the time.
“I am an 18
year old girl on my high school softball team,” wrote one
girl from Texas. “Everyone calls me the ‘girly-girl’ on the
team, but what they don’t know is that I feel like a boy
inside. It is all an act. I am about to go to college to
play softball. Should I come out to my team and start a
clean slate?”
I did not
know how to answer her. I could not ignore someone reaching
out for help, but at the same time, I was in no position to
offer a perfect stranger advice. I told her that coming out
was a great experience for me, but that she would know when
the time was right.
Finally,
there were those e-mails with pictures, which made me laugh,
but perhaps not in the way the author intended. Some of the
more tame pictures were simply headshots, which were usually
associated with a tame message, such as, “Since I saw your
picture, I thought I would share mine with you.” However,
the e-mails that included a picture more appropriate for
Craigslist requested a date, asked for my address, and even
offered a plane ticket. I did not reply to any of these
e-mails, but I saved a few (just kidding).
Reading these e-mails has
only taught me that writing the article was a positive
thing. They have opened my mind even further and I have
learned something from each and every story that I have been
told. The negative responses were difficult to face, but any
author is always going to face some critics.
At the time
of my first article, it seemed so common that my family and
friends were supportive. Today, after reading the various
responses, and meeting various people, I have a totally
different perspective. Every single e-mail remains special
in its own way, and I only hope that this article provokes a
similar response.
Once again,
I am not writing this article to encourage everyone to come
out or because I think that my story is special and unique.
I am simply sharing my story because I want to play my part
in opening up someone else’s mind just a little bit.
Matt
Coin, 24, works as an IT recruiter in San Diego. He can be
reached via e-mail.
Discuss this article.
June 28. 2007
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