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I'm Allergic to Tigers By
Charlie In The Trees I have long since overdosed on Tiger Woods and I'm not getting over it. I just want him to go away. But he won't go.
Jordan? Unh-uh. Team sport. He couldn't have done without the other four guys on the court, even if one was Luc Longley and another B.J. Armstrong. He definitely needed one of the four to have been Scottie Pippen. Greg Louganis? Another great call, but his dominance is tempered a bit by the fact that it was based on judgment and not on sheer, crushing objective victory, and in judgment sports, high scoring tends to be self-sustaining. And besides, Tiger is out there annihilating the competition week in and week out. With all due respect to this great athlete, Louganis only had to be a top form once every four years or so. As dominant as Louganis was in diving, it still was not Tiger-level domination. Tiger is so incredibly superior to every other golfer on the planet that it's an open question as to whether he's from the same gene pool as mortals like you, me, Justin Leonard and Ernie Els. Part of my problem is his game: golf. I don't think golf has an off-season. It's 12 months a year. If it's too cold here, they just travel to a different hemisphere and golf there. Now, let's say there's an athlete in another sport that I cannot stand at least as much as Tiger. I don't want to pick on any particular athlete, so I'll just make up a name: Allen Iverson. Let's say this Allen Iverson plays basketball in the NBA OK. Well, at least the NBA season comes to an end sometime. And for Mr. Iverson, the season thankfully comes to an end sooner than it does for many other players. That means for about five months or so, we don't hear about Allen Iverson unless, of course, he's standing around when one of his thug friends gets arrested at 3:30 some morning. Other than that, the sports section in the local paper is an Iverson-free zone for about five of 12 months each year. It's never a Tiger-free zone. And that's another thing. Why is golf covered in Sports? Doesn't it make more sense to put it in the Business section? I could read about Tiger winning some tournament by 15 strokes where it belongs, right underneath a story on why the price of my Cisco stock is in meltdown. Part of my problem is that we're talking about golf. What a boring game to watch on TV. It's more tedious than watching "Temptation Island." OK, I'm exaggerating a bit there, but still .... And by the way, did anyone else watch "Temptation Island"? Or should I say, is anyone else willing to ADMIT to watching it? Why did all the single women look like strippers? Not that I've ever seen one mind you, I've read about them in, umm, sociological studies. Even the woman who purportedly was some sort of doctor; she too looked like she worked the midnight shift at Cheetah's. And those guys! Except for the cute massage therapist and the hunky flight instructor, where'd they get this bunch of doughy over-aged frat boys with farmer tans? It looks like they recruited at a 15-year reunion at the nearby SAE house. Oh. Golf. I can - barely - understand the appeal of playing the game, watching it on TV is another matter entirely. It's like Scrabble. I love to play Scrabble. Really. Especially when I'm playing after my friend Paula who'll park a letter "E" right above one of the triple word score slots. But I'll be damned if I'm going to watch a Scrabble tournament on television. Even if it's being played on a beach by speedo-clad Brazilian lifeguards. Well, on second thought .... Regardless, there are never speedo-clad Brazilian lifeguards on any of the fairways. And it's always golf season on TV and on the sports page and that means it's always Tiger season, too. I remember reading a few years about food allergies. The point of the article is that you see many more food allergies nowadays because most foods now are always in season. It's not like the old days when certain foods were available only certain times of the year. You wouldn't have to worry about over-exposure to broccoli if broccoli were only available a few months a year. And it's this over-exposure to seasonal items which often lead to food allergies. Well, with this constant over-exposure, regardless of his hair color, I have developed an allergy to Tiger Woods. I think we all need a few months a year to be completely Tiger-free. No Tiger golf tournaments. No Tiger swoosh commercials. No Tiger nothing. And we'd all feel better. Disagree with Charlie? Then fire away on our Discussion Board. |
I'll give him his due. For the last few years, he has dominated his
game like no one we will ever see again in our lifetimes. And I repeat: NO
ONE. This is history unfolding before us. And please: no one