|
HOME
WHO IS CHARLIE?
On an episode of TV's "South
Park," role model Cartman once warned everyone to "Watch
out for Charlie in the Trees."
And I like to think that'll set the tone for my Outsports.com
column. I like to think of myself as somewhat dangerous, or cunning,
but above the fray, watching down upon the sports scene like a
slimmed-down version of the Slice Blimp. Or the Fuji Film Blimp. Or
the Shamu the Killer Whale for Seaworld Blimp.
Only I'm not in a blimp. Nor am I a blimp. I'm not even in the
trees, in actuality. I'm just above it all.
You may be wondering: what's up with him? Why is he qualified to
write a sports column for the premier Web site for gay athletes and
athletic supporters? (Cheap pun, I know, but there are some thing's
that I'm just not above.)
Why am I qualified? Well, I will have you know that I am
experienced with all facets of the sports scene due to the fact that
I share my house with a dark, muscular, good-looking retired
athlete.
OK, so the retired athlete is a ex-racing greyhound that I adopted.
Greyhound racing is a sport. And he is cute as a button.
And to protect the reputation of my retired athlete life-partner,
you know, for the sake of all those potential endorsements, I write
about the sports scene under a nom de gay, Charlie - in the Trees.
E-mail
Charlie
|
Derek Jeter or Tom
Cruise:
Who’s Worth More? By
Charlie In The Trees
Special to Outsports.com
LAS VEGAS-Tom Cruise gets $20 million per motion picture. Jim
Carrey does too. In fact, after his share of the gross, Jim Carrey
earned $30 million for “The Truman Show.” (Bad choice of words,
“earned,” maybe I should just say he “was paid”)
Even Adam Sandler, for cripe sakes, is asking for $20 million a
picture now. And nobody’s complaining that the salaries paid by
these stars is making it too expensive for the average movie fan to
go to the flicks.
So, explain to me please, why everybody continues to complain about
high baseball player salaries? Baseball is entertainment. The
average baseball team payroll is in the $50-million to $60-million range. That’s the budget for your typical mediocre summer
blockbuster.
For example, going into this season, the Houston Astros team payroll
was about $50 million. That was 19th in baseball. Now, the Astros
are struggling this year, but they still have the nucleus of a good
team. For the same price as the Houston Astros, you could instead
make “Patch Adams” starring Robin Williams.
 Hmmmm. That cute-as-a-button hunk of solid man muscle Jeff Bagwell.
Drop dead handsome Craig Biggio (left). The raw masculinity of Ken Caminiti.
And the country innocence of the overpowering but slightly built
Billy Wagner.
Or, instead, would you prefer a preachy, saccharine pathos-soaked
tale overplayed by someone who once was funny. The choice is yours.
Even among the low payroll teams, there’s no comparison. The
budget on “Varsity Blues” was about the same as the 2000 payroll
for the Minnesota Twins. The Twins have problems. They’re trying
to compete with Brad Radke and Ron Coomer as their stars. But, hey,
give them a break. At least they don’t have James van der Beek.
“Mission: Impossible 2” cost more $125 million to make. All for
a predictable, confused mishmash starring a very mediocre marginally
human actor who, for all practical purposes, hasn’t
done anything worth watching since “Risky Business” in 1983.
(Have you noticed that Tom Cruise is a developing that scary,
not-quite-human look that’s been perfected by the Jackson Family?)
And don’t say “Jerry Maguire” because Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
picked Cruise up and carried him on his back throughout that movie.
 The Yankee
payroll is a little over $100 million. Bernie Williams gets more
than $12
million. Roger Clemens and the perpetually cute Chuck Knoblauch are
in the $6-million range. And only $10 million is paid to Derek
Jeter. Jeter (left) is arguably the most valuable player in the game
today, if being the team leader, handling a tough defensive
position, and being an important offensive cog for a team that’s
won three of the last four World Series is a sign of value. Plus all
the girlies in New York go absolutely wild for him.
Who would you rather watch: Derek Jeter or Tom Cruise 2000? Jeter
may not be Omar Vizquel with the glove. He may not be the cutest
player in New York (that would be a Met, either Mike Hampton or
Glendon Rusch). He may not even be the cutest player in the Bronx (Knoblauch,
Clay Bellinger and Ramiro Mendoza beat him in that department). But
he is one of the most exciting and interesting players in the game
of baseball today and that, to me, makes him worth more than a
Hollywood leading man who really can’t convincingly deliver a
single line of dialog. (Remember when he yelled “I WANT THE
TRUTH” at Jack Nicholson? Oh man, that was classically bad
acting.)
So Kevin Brown is being paid $15,714,286 for the 2000 season.
That’s less than Chris Tucker is asking to be paid for a sequel to
“Rush Hour.” Let’s compare:
Kevin Brown leads the Marlins to the World Series title in
1997. The next season, almost single-handedly, he gets the
small-market Padres there. He has the greatest sinkerball in the
game. And Chris Tucker? One hit movie and an annoying high-pitched
girlie voice.
Compared to Jim Carrey, the $12 million plus being paid to Albert
Belle looks like a bargain. Of course, the Baltimore Orioles’ 2000
payroll is about the same as it cost to make “Cutthroat Island.”
And that's about where it should be.
|