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WHO IS CHARLIE?
On an episode of TV's "South
Park," role model Cartman once warned everyone to "Watch
out for Charlie in the Trees."
And I like to think that'll set the tone for my Outsports.com
column. I like to think of myself as somewhat dangerous, or cunning,
but above the fray, watching down upon the sports scene like a
slimmed-down version of the Slice Blimp. Or the Fuji Film Blimp. Or
the Shamu the Killer Whale for Seaworld Blimp.
Only I'm not in a blimp. Nor am I a blimp. I'm not even in the
trees, in actuality. I'm just above it all.
You may be wondering: what's up with him? Why is he qualified to
write a sports column for the premier Web site for gay athletes and
athletic supporters? (Cheap pun, I know, but there are some thing's
that I'm just not above.)
Why am I qualified? Well, I will have you know that I am
experienced with all facets of the sports scene due to the fact that
I share my house with a dark, muscular, good-looking retired
athlete.
OK, so the retired athlete is a ex-racing greyhound that I adopted.
Greyhound racing is a sport. And he is cute as a button.
And to protect the reputation of my retired athlete life-partner,
you know, for the sake of all those potential endorsements, I write
about the sports scene under a nom de gay, Charlie - in the Trees.
E-mail
Charlie
Past Columns
The
best sports time of the year
I'm
in love with a hot Spanish gymnast.
Can't
get enough of those shaved armpits.
Why
I hate the Redskins
Give
me Jeter over Cruise
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THE
OUTSPORTS ``BRASS BALLS'' AWARDS By
Charlie In The Trees
Special to Outsports.com
LAS VEGAS--World
Series 2000 is over. The new baseball millennium began just like the
last one ended. Yankees win.
(Reason No. 26 why I don't hate the Yankees winning every year: the
timeless elegance of their home and road uniforms. Contrast that
with, say, the 162 uniforms in 162 games ethic of the D-backs.)
(Reason No. 57: at Yankee Stadium, you never hear them play
"Who let the dogs out." The worst thing to hit sport since
the Wave.)
(Reason No. 123: it makes Red Sox fans so damn angry.)
The end of the post-season means the start of the best part of the
post-post-season. Not the daily news of superstar free agent
filings. It's time for baseball's annual year-end awards.
Over the next couple of weeks, the Managers of the Year, the Rookies
of the Year, the Cy Youngs and MVP's will be awarded. In addition,
baseball will recognize the top offensive and defensive players at
each position. The "Gold Glove" is given to the top
fielder at each position, or, when necessary, to Rafael Palmeiro, a
DH who played only a handful of games at first base last season and
still won the 1999 Gold Glove, rendering him the most inexplicable
awards winner since Pia Zadora won a Golden Globe. Lesser known,
there also is, believe it or not, the "Silver Slugger,"
given to the top hitter at each fielding position. I assume Piazza
will win for catchers. I assume Mike Hampton will win for pitchers,
if there is any justice (and I don't mean the former Mr. Halle
Berry). Other than that, who knows.
Gold Glove for defense. Silver Slugger for offense. Is that all
there is? Is that all there is to get a baseball fan interested in
following a particular player? Let me put it this way: Is that all
about baseball players that interests members of the target
demographics of Outsports.com?
I don't think so.
There is a third characteristic that is equally important to our
demographic: "watchability." (I refer to us as a
"demographic" to protect the sensitivities of any baseball
players -- gay or straight -- who may be uncomfortable being mere
eye candy to gay male sports fans. How much less controversial,
instead, simply to score high with a target market demographic.)
It's time for a new award, to be given to the player, at each
position, who provided the most pleasant and enjoyable jock-watching
experience over the last baseball season. To those two post-season
positional awards, Outsports.com adds a third. In the tradition of
the Gold Glove and the Silver Slugger, Outsports.com presents ...
the "Brass Balls" award.
I chose the name simply because "balls" is a baseball
term, and "brass" adds those all-important elements of
metal and alliteration, both critically important in naming a
baseball post-season award.
To the discerning gay male sports fan, "watchability" is
not just sex appeal. If it were, I would just go on and on about
Carlos Beltran. Sexiest ball player alive. Tight little body.
Handsome face. Kissable lips. I would ignore his sophomore slump,
his injury, his feud with K.C. management over a rehab assignment in
the minors. As a gay sports fan, with the "gay" and the
"sports fan" being equally important, I can't just lust
lust lust. "Watchability" is more than "hot."
The "most watchable" player must be mesmerizing at the
plate, a whiz in the glove, and still have physical appeal, in terms
of both physique, as shown by the muscularity and masculinity
visible in uniform, and movie star good looks.
With all that in
mind SEE
WHO WON THE BRASS BALLS AWARDS
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