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OUTSPORTS.COM |
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THE OUTSPORTS ``BRASS BALLS'' AWARD WINNERS Agree?
Disagree with these choices? Post
your votes and comments on our Discussion Board. By
Charlie In The Trees CATCHER The nominees for the "most watchable" catcher are: Bobby Estalella (San Francisco
Giants)
FIRST BASEMAN Your nominees for "most watchable" first baseman are: Jeff Bagwell (Houston Astros) The Royals were probably the most fun team to watch this past season. Even after they were eliminated, they played their butts off. (Well, not "off," as the hottest Royals retained their ultra-cute bee-hinds throughout the entire season.) They hustled. They fought and came from behind to win so many games down the stretch. And no player hustled more, and fought harder, than Mike Sweeney. He's quietly become one of the top hitters in the AL. He's got that wholesome, corn-fed Midwestern good looks thing going on (although he's from the very un-Midwestern Orange County, California). He looks good in his uniform. The Royals are a very young, very talented team who will make a serious leap forward next season. Count on it. Sweeney will be the main reason. You will get to see a lot of him then and, trust me, you will enjoy the show. As for the others, Jim Thome hits a ton and there's an inhuman amount of real estate stuffed into his uniform trousers. Enough for a nomination. Not enough for an award. Jeff Bagwell, after he shaved off that ridiculous ZZ Top beard, seemed to be having an off-year. It wasn't Bags, though. It was the 'Stros. Bagwell carried this mediocre team on his broad shoulders all season long. And that leaves two. It was hard to pick against the $17 million man, Carlos Delgado. Flirted with the triple crown all season. Solid muscle packed onto solid muscle, framed with one of the most infectious smiles in the game. Put this man in a major U.S. media market and forget about Junior and Jeter. Hell, forget Jordan and Tiger. Delgado would dominate media coverage and sports marketing. But that wasn't enough to win because someone finally starting hitting. And so the Brass Balls Award for
First Base goes to ... J.T. SNOW
SECOND BASEMAN The nominees are: Edgardo Alfonso (New York Mets) This used to be the handsomest position in baseball. That action switched to catcher. But there's still some great players to watch here. I still find Chuck Knoblauch to be an incredibly handsome man. But, man, if you have any sense of decency, it was terrible and painful experience watching him play second base this past season. Disqualified. Randy Velarde is 37, looks 24, plays steady defense and is an important offensive weapon for the A's. He's also in extraordinarily good physical shape. That is, if you're into ridiculously low percent body fat. Edgardo Alfonso is now the best second basemen in baseball and the '00 play-offs was his coming-out party. And also he's from that Planet of the World Most Beautiful Men and Women, a land we call Venezuela (see Carlos Beltran). But he only looks really good from certain camera angles and under certain lighting, kinda like Britney Spears. Ray Durham? The smile would melt the polar ice caps. But the entire White Sox team was just terrible on defense. Frank Catalanotto was basically a pinch hitter, playing an occasional second base. And he wasn't real smooth with the glove either. Well, sometimes raw physical appeal is enough. And baby's got traps! He definitely gives Estalella competition for best physique in uniform. He also seems to have packed a lot of muscle on, in a very short time, which is an eyebrow-raiser. So are the nagging injuries, which maybe perhaps could potentially indicate that muscle mass was put on more rapidly than the joints and cartilage could adjust. (Let me put it this way: although I would love the opportunity to see Frankie C. out of uniform, I don't want to be the one checking for back acne.) So the Brass Balls Award for
Second Base goes to ... ROBERTO ALOMAR
THIRD BASEMAN The nominees are: I don't want to give this to Chipper. Please don't make me give it to Chipper. I'm sick of the Braves. And I don't understand why he picked a racially tinged fight with the ex-pretty David Justice. But who else is there? Jeff Cirillo? Is he really that good-looking, or is it just that the rest of the Rockies are so tough on eyes? And I don't take anybody's hitting seriously at Coors. Scott Rolen? The Indiana boy's got that Hot White Trash thang going on. But he's had so many back injuries, at such a young age, I can't watch him without thinking: herniated disk. Troy Glaus? Tremendous power at the plate, but nobody, not even Garret Anderson, can look good in those clown uniforms Team Disney players must wear. Mike Lowell? The Marlins are getting really good, really quick, and it's not just the pitchers. But Lowell doesn't hit as well as Chipper, he doesn't field as well as Chipper, he doesn't look as good as Chipper. So the Brass Balls Award for Third Base goes, reluctantly, to ... CHIPPER JONES
The nominees are: Another embarrassment of riches. So much handsome man-flesh. Only one award. I even had to skip that Colombian heart throb (and points south throbbing too): Edgar Renteria of America's St. Louis Cardinals. Also notice that Nomar was not worthy of a nomination. Isn't he part of the so-called Holy Trinity (plus one)? Sure, he's one of the top hitters in the game, and has a tremendous physique, but he's terrible in the field. Piazza-esque, almost. And, how do I say this delicately, just look at him. If this were like those televised awards shows, Rich Aurilia would be in the category of "honored to be nominated." In all of the components of the Brass Balls, as attractive as he undoubtedly may be, he's just not in the same league as the gentlemen below. Miguel Tejeda is a rising star. Tremendous power. Adequate defense, with occasional flashes of the spectacular. A future winner. But not quite there. Yet. If I were heterosexual (disclaimer: I am not), I would rate Omar Vizquel as the most exciting player in baseball. When judging him as a fielder, the comparison is not with any other active player in the game. It's with Ozzie Smith, the greatest defensive player in the history of the game. And, like Ozzie, Omar's made himself into an adequate hitter. But, alas, I'm superficial and being the greatest glove man alive is not enough to make him the most watchable. So that the leaves the best friends: Jeter and A-Rod. If Jeter and A-Rod were a gay couple, do you get the feeling that Jeter would be the top and A-Rod the bottom? Jeter is what, in less sexually charged times, they called a "man's man." He's the type of guy that other men just naturally gravitate towards, someone instantly accepted as a leader and a friend. Plus he gets bonus points for telling that skank Mariah Carey to hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more, no more. If the girlies in New York were voting, he'd win. But they're not. The Brass Balls Award for Shortstop goes to ... ALEX RODRIGUEZ
Special fashion note for model handsome A-Rod: you would look awful in Mets' black and blue. Stick with Mariner teal. You own Seattle in a way Junior never did. It'll never be the same in any other baseball town, except maybe your hometown and it's extremely doubtful the no-budget Marlins could afford you. More: The outfielders, pitchers, rookie and ``the man who made me gay.'' |
Was
there any doubt? "Nobody fills out a major league uniform like
Bobby Estalella," said Joe Buck on Fox's broadcast of the
too-short NLDS between the Mets and the Giants. Someone on the
message board posted that "he looks like he's wearing his
little brother's uniform." His uniform is skin tight and he's
got the musculature to pull it off. In a hip-hop flavored world,
where too many guys wear loose, baggy clothing, thank God for Bobby
Estalella. Incredible body. Handsome face. Perfect skin. Solid
offensive numbers. No complaints on defense. Bobby was the single
most exciting catcher to watch in '00. His emergence as a regular
contributor for the Giants was one of the most pleasant developments
of the 2000 season. 
J.T.
Snow finally got it together offensively. There's not another
baseball player more handsome, no one else with his movie star good
looks. Heck, most movie stars don't even have his movie star good
looks. He's always been one of the slickest fielding first basemen
and in 2000 he finally hit. Case in point: J.T. came through with
big home run in Game 2 of the NLDS that should have sunk the Mets.
Unfortunately, it didn't and the Giants of J.T. and Bobby E. soon
were knocked aside and off our TV screens. 
This
is more like one of those "lifetime achievement" awards,
kind of like giving John Wayne the Oscar for "True Grit,"
or Clint Eastwood for "Unforgiven." He's not quite the hot
little stud he was when he was bachelor-about-town in Toronto. And,
of course, our target demographic certainly noticed when Robbie was
an Oriole and double-dated tennis players with Brady Anderson
(female, I guess I should specify). Maybe Alfonso is now better
offensively and defensively, but Robbie's still got it going. 
Yeah,
he's the best hitting third baseman in baseball. Yeah, he's not
Brooks Robinson with the glove (or Robin Ventura for those of you
born since the invention of fire), but he's not Pedro Guerrero or
Bobby Bonilla either. Yeah, he's got a cute face, a hot bod and a
reputation for a prodigious endowment. Yeah, he deserves the award.
Doesn't mean I have to like giving it to him. 
He's
prettier. And he's got that unmistakably masculine gentleness and
tenderness about him that our target demographic (hell: everyone)
finds so sexy. With his look, his athleticism, and his personality,
the best word to describe him is: graceful. And those cheekbones!
The envy of models everywhere. As an athlete, he's not quite as good
with the glove as his best bud, and of course, neither are Vizquel.
But A-Rod hits for more power while playing in one of the more
extreme pitchers' parks in baseball. And Jeter keeps winning World
Series trophies, so A-Rod needs something to put in trophy case,
just to keep up. Mr. Rodriguez, come get your Brass Balls.