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OUTSPORTS.COM |
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THE OUTSPORTS ``BRASS BALLS'' AWARD WINNERS Agree? Disagree with these choices? Post your votes and comments on our Discussion Board.
The nominees for three outfield
positions are: Brady Anderson still has the body. And, without any evidence (well, without photographic proof, and, no, that shirtless "bike shorts and a bat" picture doesn't count), I just have this feeling that this web site should be supportive. He's earned a nomination. But Brady, lose the sideburns. 90210 was cancelled years ago. And speaking of gay icons (oops, was I doing that?), I can't take Gabe Kapler seriously as a ballplayer. Yeah, he had that hitting streak. But to me, he's a male model who wears a baseball uniform. Peter Bergeron and Carlos Beltran are just incredible physical specimens. They are jaw-droppingly beautiful men. It's just a shame that their performance on the field in '00 was not even close to being on the same level as their cheekbones (north and south). Vladimir Guerrero? If only I were heterosexual, I'd rate his "watchability" higher. Shawn Green? Too skinny. Shannon Stewart? Too invisible. Magglio Ordonez? You know how I love those Venezuelans. When will America realize that the White Sox are his team, not Frank Thomas's. Garrett Anderson? See Troy Glaus comment. Junior? In any other season, yes. Maybe it was the pressure of playing in his hometown, but there was something painful about watching him struggle in Cincinnati (by Ken Griffey Jr. standards, at least). Do you get the feeling that Seattle fans are going to miss A-Rod a whole lot more than Junior. Sammy? Great body. Great smile. Great face. Great slugger. Marginally adequate in the field. A complete ballplayer, Mr. Baylor. But the manager's inexplicable attacks on Sosa this season were truly ugly. I do not understand why the manager went after the only player on his roster worth watching. Maybe there's a reason why the Rockies have gotten better since Baylor left. Manny Ramirez? The thought of this Native New Yorker in Yankee pinstripes in 2001 detracts from his appeal. And the Brass Balls Awards for the outfield go to ... JOHNNY DAMON for left, JIM EDMONDS for center, and ERIC OWENS for right.
STARTING PITCHER The nominees for starting pitcher
are: The TV camera loves pitchers. Lots of facial close-ups in a baseball broadcast. But it takes more than a cute mug to win the Brass Balls. Dontcha think a conference on the pitcher's mound at a Giants game, with Shawn Estes, catcher Bobby Estalella, and first baseman J.T. Snow, is just a little preview of heaven? The problem is that Estes, boyishly cute rather than manly handsome, is prone to stretches of truly ugly pitching. We must look elsewhere. Darryl Kile: an extraordinarily handsome man, but I have too many ugly flashbacks to when he was throwing non-curving curveballs in the thin air at Coors Field. It is so good having him pitch for America's St. Louis Cardinals. Please someone provide a Korean language translation of the next statement that I'm about to make: Chan Ho Park, if you want to win this award, grow back the goatee. I was flipping channels this summer, and I stumbled on to a Dodger broadcast and I was frozen stiff, watching this handsome, goateed athlete on the pitchers mound in Dodger blue. A few minutes later, I realized it was Park. Even without the goatee, he has an athletic, solid build that stands out from most pitchers. With the goatee, yummier than a double order of bee bim bab. Tommy Glavine of the Braves is reputedly one of the most intelligent men in the game. He's been a leader in the MLBPA. His interviews are always thoughtful and insightful. He bounced back quite nicely from the struggles of '99. And, he has a reputation of having a Thome-esque endowment. Intelligent and ... like a racehorse. For most men, that would be enough. (What the heck is up with all these supposedly well-endowed A-Braves? If you were to lay all the Braves, end to end, inch by inch, would they be the longest team in baseball? The mind boggles. And, for some, the mouth waters.) Back to reality. The Brass Balls Award for Starting Pitcher goes to ... MIKE HAMPTON
Special aside to Hampton, if he wants to build a collection of Brass Balls bigger than Roger Clemens's Cy Youngs: the line between sexy and pathetic is very thin. You look good in Mets' black. You looked great as a 'Stro. Heck, you would've looked great in those Astros circa-80's rainbow uniforms. You would look unbelievable in Cardinal Red (hint hint). But you're not going to look sexy in a Brave uniform. You're just not a tomahawk sort of guy.
RELIEF PITCHER The nominees are: Danny Graves looks 12 years old. A cute, huggable 12 years old. With tattoos. At the risk of offending the NAMBLA contingent, a cute, huggable 12-year old isn't sexy. Next. The '00 Jose Jiminez did something most baseball fans thought was impossible. He closed games, fairly successfully, in Coors Field. He's still one of the most fascinating pitchers in the game. Jason Isringhausen also scores high on the fascinating meter. How did an injury-prone starter for the Mets become a durable closer for the A's? Isringhausen's emergence as a top quality closer was one of the great stories of the past season. He was the A's 2000 SMVP (second most valuable player, after Jason Giambi, of course). But the choice for the Brass Balls reliever of the year comes down to a pretty boy vs. a handsome man. If this were only about looks, Matt Mantei would be your winner, even with his newly dyed hair and the new wedding ring around his finger. Mantei is another one whose movie star good looks exceed those of any movie star. But he often struggled on the mound this year, battling injuries and losing the closer's job, at least temporarily. So the Brass Balls Award for Relief Pitcher goes to ... TREVOR HOFFMAN
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR The Brass Balls Rookie of the Year award goes to ... RAFAEL FURCAL of the Atlanta Braves.
There were only three candidates worthy of the Brass Balls Rookie of the Year. Besides Furcal, there was Mark Quinn of the Kansas City Royals and Rick Ankiel of America's St. Louis Cardinals. Ankiel is a looker, but then again, so are a lot of 21 year olds. I worry about the future of Mr. Ankiel. It's not because of the control problems he exhibited in the post-season. I'm confident that with the veteran pitchers on the Cardinals staff, and the guiding push of pitching coach extraordinaire Dave Duncan, Ankiel will get his control back. No. I'm worried about, what I call, his "B. B. H." Baby birthin' hips. You look at Ankiel from the waist down and you think: the next Mickey Lolich. Still, until that happens, watching Ankiel will be one of the rewards of being a Cardinals fan. Power pitcher. Hits pretty darn well too, even with power. Maybe that's what the B.B.H. are for. Quinn was a little too far on the cocky side for the first half of the season, but as he became more disciplined, his production went into the stratosphere. Yes. That's what I'm saying. Quinn needs a little discipline to maintain peak performance.
BRASS BALLS HALL OF FAME AWARD The first annual Brass Balls Hall of Fame Award, given to the player in baseball history who caused the most excitement over the years for this baseball fan, goes to ... GEORGE BRETT.
Regardless of which side of the sexual divide he fell on, even if he remained fully uncommitted, he was beautiful then and, a few lines on the face later, he continues to be beautiful today. A Hall of Famer in Cooperstown, now the first inductee into the Brass Balls Hall of Fame. |
A
great outfield starts with a great centerfielder and none were
better than Jim Edmonds. I guess all it took was to get Edmonds to
relax and become a superstar was to get him out of that high
pressure baseball cauldron of Anaheim and over to laid-back
Missouri. (Sarcasm meter in the red zone on that one.) Edmonds was
his typical Gold Glove self in the field. No centerfielder had
better offensive production, probably guaranteeing him a Silver
Slugger. Make it a clean sweep. Give the California boy with the
blonde highlights a Brass Balls award too. 
My
other two outfielders don't get nearly the same level of media
attention. Which is a shame. I really hope that Johnny Damon doesn't
have to put on Yankee pinstripes for America to appreciate what a
great athlete and extraordinarily good-looking man he is. Damon
doesn't look good in still photos. They make him look like a Keebler
elf. But the TV camera brings out his best, where you can fully
appreciate his strongly muscled body, and the best developed set of
glutes on any non-catcher in the game. The sight of Johnny Damon
running the bases is one of the great pleasures in baseball. 
Speaking
of great pleasures in watching baseball: Eric Owens. But only when
he has the goatee. If any of us ever were lucky enough to see him at
Black's Beach in San Diego, wearing the beachwear of choice (for you
non-Californians, that would be: none of the above), you would
immediately have to roll over onto your stomach or risk arrest for
public lewdness, if you get my point. Another total package.
Fantastic body. Masculine good looks. Valuable hitter. Plays just
about every position on the field with effortless grace (I guess
this would classify him as "versatile"). 
A
true athlete on the pitcher's mound. Hits like a ball player. Runs
bases like an athlete. He played defensive back in college and still
looks like he has the body to go on to the football field and knock
down Keyshawn Johnson. (Oh please, oh please.) You know, I'm not a
butt man, although my comments obsessing on Johnny Damon's posterior
may indicate otherwise, but I really did enjoy all of the shots from
the centerfield camera when Hampton was pitching. 
Trevor
Hoffman may not be the most physically beautiful player in the game,
but he's undeniably a sex bomb. Just look at him on the set,
relieving the starting announcer, in that Sports Center commercial.
And, as an added bonus, he has a reputation as being one of the most
gay-friendly straight boys in the game. (It's nice to give this
award to someone who would appreciate it.) He's probably the top
relief pitcher in the game, right now, over the course of an entire
season, with Mariano Rivera merely the king of post-season. The
California surfer dude is great to watch. 
I
want to see the Braves dynasty rot away. But when they keep bringing
up young stars like Furcal, the day of reckoning gets pushed farther
and farther. Of course, we don't really know how old Furcal. He's
another of those Latin players of indeterminable age. Is he 19? 20?
24? 38? Only Rafael knows and he's not talking. 
George
Brett made me gay. I wish this were due to actual physical contact,
but, alas, that's not the case. He was my first male crush. In his
prime, with the Whitey Herzog Royals of the late '70's, Brett
absolutely mesmerized me. I thought he was the most beautiful man
alive and not much has happened for me to change my opinion.
Whenever I got to see a Royals game (only on TV: I grew up in a NL
town), I would just stare, focused on this extraordinary man. The
bluest eyes in human history. Playful manliness. One of the top
athletes in the game. Later, in the '80's, there were wild rumors
about his voracious omnivorous sexual appetite. Who cares if the
rumors were true, they only fueled my attraction for him.