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WHO IS CHARLIE?

On an episode of TV's "South Park," role model Cartman once warned everyone to "Watch out for Charlie in the Trees."

And I like to think that'll set the tone for my Outsports.com column. I like to think of myself as somewhat dangerous, or cunning, but above the fray, watching down upon the sports scene like a slimmed-down version of the Slice Blimp. Or the Fuji Film Blimp. Or the Shamu the Killer Whale for Seaworld Blimp. 

Only I'm not in a blimp. Nor am I a blimp. I'm not even in the trees, in actuality. I'm just above it all.

You may be wondering: what's up with him? Why is he qualified to write a sports column for the premier Web site for gay athletes and athletic supporters? (Cheap pun, I know, but there are some thing's that I'm just not above.)

Why am I qualified? Well, I will have you know that I am experienced with all facets of the sports scene due to the fact that I share my house with a dark, muscular, good-looking retired athlete. 

OK, so the retired athlete is a ex-racing greyhound that I adopted. Greyhound racing is a sport. And he is cute as a button.

And to protect the reputation of my retired athlete life-partner, you know, for the sake of all those potential endorsements, I write about the sports scene under a nom de gay, Charlie - in the Trees.


E-mail Charlie


Past Columns

Brass Balls Awards

The best sports time of the year

I'm in love with a hot Spanish gymnast.


Can't get enough of those shaved armpits.

Why I hate the Redskins

Give me Jeter over Cruise

Alex Rodriguez: 26% Better Than Any Other Player? 

By Charlie In The Trees
Special to Outsports.com


LAS VEGAS--
If you were starting a baseball team from scratch, and you could choose one active player to build your franchise around, who would that be? 

Answering that question is probably an objective way to answer the basic question: who should be the highest paid player in baseball?

First off, it would have to be a position player. The centerpiece of a franchise has got to be a player who is on the field every day. With a five-man rotation, even the most durable starter isn't out there enough. Besides, I'm old enough to remember the '72 Phillies, who had Steve Carlton going 27-10 and on a team that won only 59 games.

One great starter only gets you so far. So that eliminates Pedro, the best pitcher in baseball over a six-month season. (Six, and not seven, is all the number of months the Red Sox will play for the foreseeable feature.) 

The Big Unit, of course, would be the best if the season ended a couple of weeks after the All Star Game. And a closer on an uncompetitive franchise is just a waste. (See Urbina, Ugueth, Expos closer from-where?-that planet of the World's Most Beautiful Men and Women we call Venezuela.)

Second, the player would have to play a key up-the-middle defensive pitching. It is much easier to find great offensive players for the infield corners, or for left or right field. It is a lot harder to find a player who can put up MVP-type numbers while expertly handling a key defensive position. Jason Giambi, Carlos Delgado, Jeff Bagwell and Sammy Sosa all put up great numbers, but with the exception of the X-factor of Giambi's leadership skills, it would be much easier to replace one of those 
players with someone ALMOST as valuable, than it is to find a catcher, shortstop, second baseman, or Gold Glove caliber centerfielder that puts up MVP-type numbers. (See Cardinals, St. Louis, substituting Big Mac for The Thrill.)

Third, the player would have to be above average defensively at his position. Or at least more than barely adequate. That clearly eliminates Piazza, who plays catcher like a natural born DH or first baseman. I said this before, but his utter inability to handle even the basics of this key position cost the Mets the opportunity to come back in Game Five of the World Series. If he had been blocking the plate like a reasonable catcher is supposed to play, the ball does not bounce off Posada's thigh and the second run does not score that inning.

I think this factor also eliminates at least one of the "holy trinity" of shortstops, Nomar Garciaparra, who is a defensive liability for the Red Sox.

So who does that leave? Ivan Rodriguez, maybe. A-Rod. Jeter. Junior Griffey. Jim Edmonds, if he puts up those numbers one more season and proves that 2000 was not a fluke, but was merely a function of getting away from the Cursed Angels. Maybe Jeff Kent. Maybe. I'm not sure of his defense.

My point is: you can make a very strong argument that Alex Rodriguez is the cornerstone player, the player that you should choose to build a baseball team around. (Personally, I would choose Derek Jeter, even though A-Rod hits better, because of superior defense, leadership, a winning attitude, AND the fact that you don't have to worry about Mariah Carey hanging around the clubhouse.)

Tom Hicks, the owner of the Texas Rangers, apparently agrees, although he's not quite building a team from scratch. He already has "I-Rod," Ivan Rodriguez, and "R-Palm," Rafael Palmeiro. Unfortunately, when it comes to pitching, he might as well be building from scratch. His ace is, I believe, "R-Hell," Rick Helling, whose a perfectly adequate number three starter who has been terribly miscast as the staff ace. 

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the Rangers still plan to throw Bobby Witt out there every fifth day. In essence, the Rangers are building, from scratch, a team that can win a post-season series.

A-Rod is a great baseball player. Hits a ton. Pretty good defensive shortstop. Generally healthy - and a quick healer when injured. Only 25 years old. Movie star handsome. Great public image. Well, at least until Scott Boras started demanding equal billboard space and a merchandise booth. 

There is no problem with a baseball universe that chooses to have A-Rod as its highest paid player. After all, he won one of the inaugural Outsports Brass Balls awards.

There is a problem with paying 26 percent more than the second highest paid player, Manny Ramirez. And there is a severe problem with paying him 48 percent more than third-highest, Carlos Delgado. And it is catastrophic to pay him more than double what is earned by the best player in baseball--Derek Jeter (four rings in the five years that he's been a major leaguer is only one piece of evidence).

I don't fault Boras for demanding this much money. I don't fault A-Rod for signing a contract worth, roughly, the Gross National Product of the Republic of Grenada. How many of us ever turned down a high paying job because we didn't want to upset the salary structure in our chosen line of work?

I do fault Tom "D-Snyde" Hicks. Some compared this to him signing Brett Hull and winning a Stanley Cup with the Dallas Stars. I respectfully dissent. The Stars were a legitimate Stanley Cup contender that underachieved in the playoffs. Hull was the finishing touch.

The Texas Rangers, or "T-Rans," (am I taking this one marginally funny joke way too far?) were 71-91, after a run of pennants that were largely the result of playing in the weakest division in baseball. The leading indicators for next year do not look either. They have not made any significant moves to improve their pitching (Aaron Mayette?). They are touting the Deadskin-esque signings of Andres Galarraga Ken Caminiti as major moves. Yes, the Big Cat's comeback from cancer surgery was one of the great sports stories of the year. But he tailed off  considerably as the season went on and he is – what? – nearly 65 years old. Caminiti has the knees of an arthritic octogenarian.

Is this going to change the way baseball does business? Is this – and the $20 million paid to Manny Ramirez – going to change baseball, and lead to a salary cap or revenue sharing? Fat chance.

I remember a few years ago, when Jerry Reinsdorf signed Sunny Albert Belle to a huge contract that "Sparkles" baseball's highest paid player, baseball was supposed to change. That was supposed to stop the insanity. Well, A-Rod's new deal makes the one penned by the King of Nice look like minimum wage.

I do think there is some consensus that A-Rod, unlike Sparkles, should be baseball's top earner. I don't think there's going to be any pressure to exceed the amount of that contract for at least a year, maybe two.

What will it take for baseball to institute meaningful financial reform, with revenue sharing and a salary cap? It won't be $25.3 million a season contract for Jeter, or $30 million for Rafael Furcal, or $45 million for Willie Mays after taking age-reversal medication. 

It'll take a franchise bankruptcy. Or two. Until then, look for an instant replay next off-season, with everyone claiming then that salaries couldn't possibly climb any higher from those paid to all the new free agents in the Class of 2001.