Columns

2001 Brass Balls Awards

By Charlie in the Trees
Special to Outsports.com

STARTING PITCHER

The nominees for 2001's "most watchable" starting pitcher are (above, from left):
Mike Hampton (Colorado Rockies)
Mike Mussina (New York Yankees)
Javier Vazquez (Montreal Expos)
Jarrod Washburn (Anaheim Angels)
Kerry Wood (Chicago Cubs)

Let's start the 2001 Awards with Mike Hampton. First of all, someone please stop him from playing around with his facial hair. Sometimes, certain guys look best with a fashion choice that passed its peak. Hey, I look great in 1996's hippest shade of green, so I'm sticking with it. And while goatees may be so 1998, Mikey's face was made for the goat. Even with the great jaw line, he still looks incredibly awesomely hot with his. If only we could say the same about his 2001 pitching. He got off to a great start, remember? On May 9, after pitching a complete game shutout against his former team, the Mets, his ERA was 2.34. In Coors! But the Rocks began collapsing in early June and they took Mikey with them. Colorado finished in last and Mikey finished with an ugly ERA of 5.41. Still, as ESPN reports, he had a higher slugging percentage than another goateed Mike, Piazza of the Mets (.582 to .572) and scored more runs than Nomar Garciaparra (20 to 17). Before you say, "well, Nomar was hurt," keep in mind that Mike and Nomar had the same number of at bats this season. All in all, not bad. But not good enough.

Mike Mussina had the quietest Cy Young caliber season you could have pitching in New York. His ERA was a spectacular 3.15. He continued to be one of the top fielding pitchers. He did it pitching under the pressure of being a high-dollar free agent and being in New York. And he's got brains too. The Moose has an economics degree from Stanford. Great looking, wealthy and smart. Let's move on.

As for Javier Vazquez, until he got hurt in mid-September, he was having the best season of any NL pitcher not in that AARP center known as Bank One Ballpark in Phoenix. His stats are even more incredible when you consider how awful he was in April, when his ERA was so high, he would have barely cracked the Rangers rotation. But who noticed? He plays in Montreal for Les Expos. This is sort of like when one of these really good "small" independent movies gets nominated for an Oscar. You may know the movie is the best, but it has no chance of winning because you know no Academy voters saw the thing. So no one saw Vazquez this season either. Too bad. Hopefully he'll go to a more prominent market in the dispersal draft.

Kerry Wood had an extraordinary season. He bounced back quite nicely from what-coulda-shoulda-been career-ending elbow surgery in 1999 (due to extreme over-use in his rookie season), posting an ERA of 3.36 in hitter friendly Wrigley. Over 200 K's (which is really good for pitchers not named Randy Johnson). Very good looking, but not quite sexy enough.

Which means, the 2001 Brass Balls Award for Starting Pitcher goes to ... Jarrod Washburn of the Anaheim Angels.

Starting things off with an upset. This is the year that Mr. Washburn arrived. He showed that he has No. 1 pitcher stuff. He kept his ERA around 3.50 for most of the season, although it did tick up a bit at the end to 3.77, due to a truly ugly final start against the best team in baseball for 2001, the Seattle Mariners (as proven over 162 games, not just five). Thank God for Fox Sports West for bringing Jarrod into my living room on a regular basis. Corn-fed sex appeal straight from America's Dairyland. Even among those Halo Hotties, Washburn stood out. He has the cool, on-field presence of a star quarterback. Commanding stuff, commanding presence, and the sexiest blue eyes in baseball. He's a winner.

RELIEF PITCHER

The nominees for the "most watchable" relief pitcher are (above from left):
Jason Isringhausen (Oakland Athletics)
Robb Nen (San Francisco Giants)
Ugueth Urbina (Montreal Expos/Boston Red Sox)
Billy Wagner (Houston Astros)
Tim Wakefield (Boston Red Sox)

First of all, to answer the question, what is Tim Wakefield doing in this category? Wasn't he much more effective as a starter? Manager's decision. Tim has shown great courage and adaptability throughout his improbable career. For four months, he was one of the top pitchers statistically in the AL. By the time the wheels came off the Red Sox season, Wakefield's year was already in a tailspin. Nevertheless, he was still one of the most fun pitchers to watch this season. And the fact that he's mid 30's and still single doesn't mean a thing. Really.

Robb Nen is attractive in that intense, mono-brow sort of way. But doesn't the spelling of his name just irritate the hell out of you?

Red Sox closer Ugueth Urbina is yet another in that long line of sexy ballplayers from that Planet of the World's Most Beautiful Men and Women--Venezuela. Oogy, as he is affectionately known throughout baseball, had an extraordinary season: he was the one Red Sox player who did not thrown a major hissy-fit at some point the past season. Impressive, but not impressive enough.

Boyishly cute Billy Wagner, the youngest looking 30-year-old in baseball, bounced back nicely from his 2000 elbow injury. Pitching in Coors-like Enron Field, he had 39 saves and an ERA under 3.00. But boyishly cute, even to the max, is still not sexy.

Therefore, the 2001 Brass Balls Award in the category of Relief Pitcher goes to ... Jason Isringhausen of the Oakland A's.

Handsome Izzy was generally effective from the bullpen, when called to relieve the best rotation in baseball. OK, so he has Dumbo ears. That's not the only thing big about my man Jason. Thirty-four saves? That's big. ERA of 2.65? Big. Huge. And, how do I say this? He seems to pack a big, even enormous amount of real estate into his baseball pants. A Thome-esque amount. I'm not much of a package man. I'm more into pecs, glutes and (my weird quirk) jaw lines. But when Jason's on the field, your eyes do focus on his crotch area, because, well, it just takes up so much of the TV screen.

CATCHER

The nominees for "most watchable" catcher are (above, from left):
Ben Davis (San Diego Padres)
Ramon Hernandez (Oakland Athletics)
Jason LaRue (Cincinnati Reds)
Mike Piazza (New York Mets)
Ivan Rodriguez (Texas Rangers)

Once again, you will find the sexiest men in baseball behind the plate, playing the position known as catcher. Whether it's because they have the biggest glutes and quads, or whether it's simply a matter of aesthetics, catchers wear the tightest uniforms in baseball. And generally, they have the bodies to justify it. Very tough narrowing the field of worthy candidates to just five.

You may be asking, where's Javy? Javy Lopez's beautiful glutes are not included because (1) he's hurt too often, (2) he no longer contributes on offense, and (3) he's terrible behind the plate. Even when the Braves have six or seven catchers hurt, did you ever noticed that Greg Maddux would rather have the team's eighth string catcher behind the plate than take a chance with Javy? Got to be a reason for that.

Our first nominee is Ramon Hernandez. A handsome emerging star with the A's from - where else - Venezuela! Unfortunately, he's not emerging rapidly enough.

Purely as a matter of physical appeal, the Padres' Ben Davis has to be considered. The best description of his physique is "chiseled." And he's got a handsome face that makes San Diego girls (and Hillcrest boys) swoon. But, my sources in San Diego tell me he's a bit of genital. (In case there are children reading this column, I used the scientific term "genital" instead of the more vulgar word that begins with "d" and rhymes with prick.)

Then there's the case study of Mike Piazza. That means we need to discuss "the haircut," or more specifically, "the dye job." I only have one word: what was he thinking? OK, that's four. As far Piazza the ballplayer (as opposed to "Piazza the fashion maven"), it's a credit to Piazza's hitting skills that when he hit .300, with 36 HR's and nearly 100 RBI, he was perceived as having a bad year at the plate, not just the salon. If Bobby Estalella could have such an off year, we'd never again have to worry about his muscle bod being stranded in the minors.

While Piazza is the best offensive catcher, Ivan Rodriguez is possibly the best defensive catcher in the history in the game. No one tries to steal bases when I-Rod's the backstop. And he has the prettiest eyes in the game. You'd swear he had that procedure wear they permanently tattoo mascara around the eyes. A lot of the cocktail waitresses here in Vegas get that done, too. Still, I-Rod played only 111 games this year, and 91 in 2000. He no longer has the durability for a full season's duty behind the plate.

So the 2001 Brass Balls Award for Catcher goes to ... Jason LaRue of the Cincinnati Reds.

Seriously. Really. This isn't like when Skip Bitman won best newcomer on that episode of SCTV when Guy Caballero paid off the Emmy voters. If you knew Jason, you'd love him. He got buried in the horrible, disastrous, Bengal-esque season of the Baseball Reds. One of the few positives was the discovery of the Reds' catcher for the next 10 years. With LaRue, the Reds got excellent defense, especially linebacker-quality plate blocking skills, timely hitting, albeit a low batting average, handsome All-American Jock good looks and muscles-on-muscles. I'll take that.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

The nominees for baseball's "most watchable" Rookie are (above, from left):
David Eckstein (Shortstop, Anaheim Angels)
Marcus Giles (Second Baseman, Atlanta Braves)
Ichiro! (Right Fielder, Seattle Mariners)
Albert Pujols (Third Baseman, St. Louis Cardinals)
Bud Smith (Pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals)

The next generation of baseball hotties have arrived and they are scorching. In the great tradition of Cher, Prince and Madonna, we have another single-named superstar in Ichiro! Remember, at the beginning of the season, the Japanese media put a bounty of $2 million for pictures of Ichiro! naked. After his phenomenal rookie season, that price seems like a bargain. Ichiro! was quite simply the best rightfielder and the best lead-off hitter in baseball 2001. If only the media had gotten the naked pics, maybe he'd have been our Rookie of the Year.

Second baseman Marcus Giles makes it a pleasure to watch even Braves baseball. Even though he played just 68 games, he stabilized the A-Braves' messy infield situation, and solidified their batting order. Most importantly, he established himself as the best-looking player on a rather handsome team. Love that dimpled chin.

Another standout on a rather attractive team was Angels' rookie David Eckstein. Solid hitting, perfectly adequate shortstop play, and natural blonde locks that are the envy of Mike Piazza and other bottle blondes everywhere. Well, I assume he's naturally tow-headed. I haven't checked everywhere I could. I'm willing. I just haven't.

That leaves the two Cardinals. In Bud Smith, the Cardinals have a talented and handsome rookie pitcher for the second year in a row. Fortunately, this rookie had a very good postseason, unlike the nightmarish 2000 postseason for Rick Ankiel. The highlight of Bud's season was the no-hitter he threw on "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" Day (the third of September). It looked like it would be a sign that the Cardinals were World Series bound for the first time since the close of the Whitey-ball era. It wasn't because they weren't. But Bud looked darned good throwing it.

So the 2001 Brass Balls Rookie of the Year goes to ... Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals.

Just 21 years old. Just one year out of Single A baseball. Pujols (pronounced, unfortunately, POOH-holes) is now the undisputed superstar of a veteran Cardinals line-up. He hits for average. He hits for power. Tremendous versatility in the field. All the while showing off a tight muscular body in one of baseball's most flattering uniforms. Hours of viewing pleasure for years to come.

Nov. 13, 2001

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