Columns

2001 Brass Balls Awards

By Charlie in the Trees
Special to Outsports.com

FIRST BASEMAN

The nominees for 2001's "most watchable" first baseman are (above, from left):
Carlos Delgado (Toronto Blue Jays)
Jason Giambi (Oakland Athletics)
Ryan Klesko (San Diego Padres)
Doug Mientkiewicz (Minnesota Twins)
Jim Thome (Cleveland Indians)

First of all, Big Jim Thome is included here as a bone to you size queens out there. Generally reputed by crotch watchers everywhere to have baseball's most mammoth endowment, Thome's not--how do I say this?--classically handsome. Still, he had what may have been his best offensive season of his career. He remains underrated for his defense. At 6'4", 240 pounds, he's a giant target for the Indians talented infielders. Big all over, huh?

Once again, the Oakland A's went as far as the broad shoulders of Jason Giambi would carry them. He had a monster September. The new A's tradition of an ALDS loss to the Yankees could not be blamed on Giambi. Just a question here: Who wants to volunteer to help Jason get those hard-to-reach places during one of his well-publicized body-shaving routines?

After a superstar season in 2000, superstud Carlos Delgado fell off to merely "very good." Solid muscles. Cheekbones that a fashion model would die for. Always flashing the most beautiful set of pearly whites this side of a toothpaste commercial. If you think he looks good in a B-Jays uniform, just wait until you catch him in a tuxedo. He cleans up quite nicely.

Meanwhile, down in San Diego, Ryan Klesko again put up the stellar numbers he's consistently produced since being liberated from the Land of the Tomahawk Choppers. And to put the kibosh on any rumors there may be out there about Ryan, just because he's 30, single, reputedly owns property with a male friend and refuses to discuss his personal life, doesn't mean a thing. I mean, back when I was 30, and pathologically single, I didn't talk about my personal life. That certainly didn't mean that I was ... was ... umm ... yeah ... bad example. Was. Am, still. But it doesn't mean anything about Ryan. It does mean, however, that I enjoy watching him a little more closely.

All of which means that the 2001 Brass Balls Award for First Baseman goes to Doug Mientkiewicz of the Minnesota Twins, which we all know by now is pronounced mint-KAY-vich.

Doug's career year was the key reason for the Twinks' explosive start. The only question, given all the talk about folding the Minnesota franchise, is whether it'll be enough to save baseball in the Metrodome. Doug undoubtedly earned hunk status, but it's his attitude that he makes him so sexy. Early in the season, when he was batting over .400, he made an appearance at a Minneapolis radio station. The station told him that it had been flooded with nearly 150 calls from women (only?), calling him "the finest-looking hunk in town." Doug's response: "That's funny, because I looked the exact same in 1999 as I do now, and there was nobody saying how good looking I was then." Good-looking then. Good-looking now. Good-looking for years to come.

SECOND BASEMAN
          

The nominees for the "most watchable" second basemen are (above from left):
Roberto Alomar (Cleveland Indians)
Bret Boone (Seattle Mariners)
Marcus Giles (Atlanta Braves)
Adam Kennedy (Anaheim Angels)
Jose Vidro (Montreal Expos)

Rookie Marcus Giles played only 68 games for the A-Braves, but he contributed tremendously to their late surge to hold off the Phillies and Mets. Giles played the best second base seen in Atlanta during their entire10-year run of pennants began in 1991. And, man, did he look good doing it. I'm a sucker for a dimpled chin. (I'll let you translate that innocent statement however you see fit.)

Furry little fireball Adam Kennedy played well most of this season, going into a slump only when the entire Halo team fell apart in September. Are he and SS David Eckstein the sexiest double play combo in baseball?

Meanwhile, north of the border, another player from Les Expos bottomless supply of Latin hotties put up another invisible superstar season. Jose Vidro quietly has become the NL's best second baseman. As I said before, in the dispersal draft, hopefully he'll go to a media market where he's appreciated and, just as importantly, seen regularly on my TV screen.

So who gets the Brass Balls? The best second baseman of this generation? Or the best second baseman of 2001? Roberto Alomar is baseball's greatest second baseman at least since Joe Morgan. Maybe ever. He had yet another routinely fantastic season, hitting .336 with 100 RBI. Gold Glove defense. Yet his season was overshadowed by something special happening up in the Pacific Northwest.

Therefore, the 2001 Brass Balls Award for Second Baseman goes to ... Bret Boone of the Seattle Mariners.

How do you replace the Quarter Billion Dollar Man? With Bret Boone. This season, Boone was the embodiment of the phrase "career year." He hit .331, nearly 80 points over his career average. He had an outrageous 141 RBI, nearly 50% better than previous best. His slugging percentage was .578, 120 points better than his previous career high. There is no precedence for a position player over the age of 30 to make such a jump over his career numbers. How did it happen? Give his workout routine some credit. Boone's noticeably in the best shape of his life. Like his RBI and batting average, Bret's booty also was a career best for him this season.

SHORTSTOP

The nominees for "most watchable" shortstop are (above, from left):
Rich Aurilia (San Francisco Giants)
Alex S. Gonzalez (Toronto Blue Jays)
Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)
Alex Rodriguez (Texas Rangers)
Omar Vizquel (Cleveland Indians)

Speaking of players who had career years, Rich Aurilia possibly was the Giants' true MVP. It's just that his career year was overshadowed by what happened with the team's left fielder. Aurilia set new career highs in just about every offensive statistic known to baseball. He even improved his defensive numbers. All with the thickest Brooklyn accent in all of baseball. While there's no Bret Boone workout program to credit for Aurilia's improvement, he still looks good in Giant orange and black. And he plays in the city most appreciative of a hot male physique in uniform.

What is beauty? True baseball fans recognize the shortstop play of Omar Vizquel as the most beautiful presentation of the art of infield defense currently on display. But a hunk? He's not. And what was up with Omar's obsession with Arthur Rhodes earrings?

Did'ja know that there are two shortstops in baseball using the name Alex Gonzalez? One's from Miami, the other Venezuela. The one from Miami doesn't play there. "Miami" Alex Gonzalez plays in the Far North for the B-Jays. "Venezuela" Alex Gonzalez plays for the Florida Marlins. Weirdly enough, the Venezuelan's not the hottie. It's the Miamian in Toronto. Miami Alex's two biggest faults: (1) he hits like a shortstop and (2) maybe he's a little too pretty?

So once again the Shortstop of the Year comes down to the two apparently "ex" best friends: A-Rod and Jeter. Remember when the talk was about them being best friends? They'd stay at each other's places, two most-eligible bachelors going out on the town together, breaking hearts along the way. Then A-Rod made some weird disparaging comments about how much better he is than Jeter, who displayed extraordinary class by not responding. A-Rod apologized. Jeter said there was no problem. But there was no more media talk about them being best buds. The friendship was over.

You do remember Alex Rodriguez, don't you? Used to be with the Mariners. Signed a big money contract with a team in Dallas. Worth a quarter billion? It was in all the newspapers back in March. Then the season started and he disappeared faster than that Mariah Carey movie "Glitter." A-Rod was the invisible man. The only publicity he got was when he tried to talk Seattle's Boeing into moving to the DFW Metroplex. And the weird thing is: he had an MVP season. More home runs than any shortstop, ever! League leader to boot! Third in RBI! Yet all that went unnoticed as new team stayed put in the cellar and his old team improved by almost 20 games to have the AL's winningest season ever. But who noticed?

So the 2001 Brass Balls Award for Shortstop goes to ... Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees.

He's a cutie, a cutie with a booty. He's definitely not the all-round sex hunk that the (New York-centric) media makes him out to be, but there's something magnetic about him. Maybe those two dancers in the nightclub, Mystique and Aura? There is no better clutch player in the baseball today than Jeter. Think the Yankees would be winning all those World Series without him?

Example #1: Jeter made the single most incredible play in the history of televised baseball in Game 3 of the Yankees/A's ALDS. In dream sequence-like fashion, he raced across the diamond, moving five times faster than anyone else out there, including the baserunner, and did that little flip toss to Posada to get the other Giambi out at the plate. Example #2: The World Series Game 4 10th inning homer off Byung-Hyun Kim. After hitting dismally for four games. Contrary to A-Rod's little brag, Jeter is more complete a player than A-Rod ever could be.

THIRD BASEMAN

The nominees for baseball's "most watchable" third baseman are (above, from left):
Troy Glaus (Anaheim Angels)
Chipper Jones (Atlanta Braves)
Mike Lowell (Florida Marlins)
Albert Pujols (St. Louis Cardinals)
Scott Rolen (Philadelphia Phillies)

Did you really think I was going to include Cal Ripken as a sentimental nominee in his final season? The guy's gotten way too much attention this season already.

Is Chipper Jones the single most arrogant player on the single most arrogant team in baseball? Larry is teeming mix of contradictions. Great bat, lousy defense. Wholesome good looks, inveterate pussy hound (who needs a lecture on safe sex).

Sexy Cards rookie Albert Pujols is a candidate to simultaneously win both MVP and Rookie of the Year. Although just one year out of Single A ball, Pujols quietly replaced the declining (and retiring) Big Mac as the Big Bat in the Cardinals line up. Pujols finished fifth in the NL in RBI, only seven behind the probable NL MVP, Barry's World. He ended up seventh in slugging and eighth in OPS (on-base percentage, plus slugging percentage). Still, he fields his position like an honors grad from the Larry Wayne Jones School of Third Basemanship (see above). Look for him to succeed Big Mac as the Cards' first baseman.

Florida's Mike Lowell combines sexy, brooding good looks, a great RBI bat, and a reputation as the clubhouse leader for the young Marlins. You ever notice that sexy Mikey always has the most melancholy look on his face? Maybe it's the heavy brow. Might be the droopy eyes. Maybe it's surviving a bout of testicular cancer. Of course, cancer is a serious matter, so I won't make tasteless comments about my willingness to volunteer to check him thoroughly (and regularly) for recurrences. Majorly uncool. Even if I really wanted to get my hands on his you-know-whats. The sacrifices I'm willing to make for Mike's health.

The man who should've been the AL's starting third baseman in the last couple of All Star Games is the Angel's big Teddy bear, Troy Glaus. Once again, he put up huge numbers for the Halos. Huggably muscular, he makes even the Angels pajama uniforms look hot.

But the 2001 Brass Balls Award for Third Baseman goes to ... Scott Rolen of the Philadelphia Phillies.

The used and abused personal whipping boy of manager Larry Bowa. Enjoy him while you can, Phillie fans, he's won't be playing in your town much longer. He's sexy. He hits a ton, regardless of what Phillie sycophants think, with more than 100 RBI for the year. He's the best fielding third baseman in baseball, maybe as good as prime Mike Schmidt.

Don't know why, but Rolen seems to be getting the Eric Lindros treatment from Philadelphia management. You know, star player abused in the media by 1970's era Phillie jock who went in management with the local club.

Why? First, Scott's not even had his first concussion, let alone his 87th. Sure he's still single, but I don't think Scottie's gotten into any bar fights with figure skaters (or is Lindros's fight with Elvis Stojko just an urban legend?) And I'd be shocked if Scottie's favorite movie was "Priscilla Queen of the Desert." Perhaps it's "Trick"? Sadly, tragically, Scott's reportedly got a steady girl. Once, when Lindros was asked about a woman with whom he was seen out on the town, he fell over himself denying his date was his girlfriend. Still, Scottie looks darn good out there in his Phillies uni, and he'll continue to look good no matter what uniform he's wearing. Or even if he chooses to wear no uni at all.

Nov. 14, 2001

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