Columns

2001 Brass Balls Awards

By Charlie in the Trees
Special to Outsports.com

LEFT FIELD
        

The nominees for 2001's "most watchable" left fielder are (above, from left):
Garret Anderson (Anaheim Angels)
Barry Bonds (San Francisco Giants)
Pat Burrell (Philadelphia Phillies)
Frank Catalanotto (Texas Rangers)
Brian Giles (Pittsburgh Pirates)

I'll admit that Barry Bonds maybe had the greatest offensive season of any player ever. Even if he did it with Pac Bell Park designed so that the outfield fence was shortest at the point of his maximum power. Even if he got to play in a bunch of church softball league sized parks like Enron (where occasionally he got pitched to). Even if home runs are so devalued that somewhere around 82 players hit more than 61 HR's this season. Actually, it was only two, but 24 guys hit more than 35. Fred "The Crime Dog" McGriff led the league in 1992 with 35 jacks. So excuse me for being underwhelmed by Barry's 73. And other than his swing, what about Barry looked good in '01? His bod's gotten a little pudgy. He's not the defensive LF he once was. And his attitude is still ugly. Next.

Just a question before we disposed of our next candidate. Do you like boys, or do you like men? Brian Giles is Marcus's not-quite-as-hot big brother. Granted, that's not a fair comparison. It's sort of like disparaging J. Paul Getty for not having as much money as Rockefeller. Unlike the boyishly sexy cute Atlanta second baseman, big bro Brian is all man. But he doesn't have li'l bro's chin dimple. Next.

Garret Anderson continues to string together very good seasons, playing for a wealthy team in what should be a major media market. Yet the Angels do not register in the national consciousness. America, you're missing out on a whole team full of Grade A prime sex hunks (not including, of course, Darin Erstad).

Anonymity isn't a problem for Pat Burrell. Back in spring training, he caught a lot of attention for publicizing his penchant for free balling. He continued to get attention for his powerful batting stroke. Hid defense isn't quite on that level. If Scott Rolen plays a magnificent third with a virtuosity of Mike Schmidt, Burrell's left field play gives the Phillie faithful flashbacks to Greg Luzinski. Albeit a young, lean, muscular handsome re-creation of Greg Luzinski. Burrell is guaranteed to stay cute and quotable for years to come.

But the 2001 Brass Balls Award for Left Field goes to ... Frank Catalanotto of the Texas Rangers.

He's got the best body in all the Texas Rangers locker room, which means he's got the best body in baseball. Finally given a regular position to play, he responded by becoming one of the AL's top hitters. He finished among the league leaders in batting average and had a respectable OBP, all the while showing an awesome upper body with a great set of traps. 

CENTER FIELD
          

The nominees for the "most watchable" center fielder are (above from left):
Carlos Beltran (Kansas City Royals)
Johnny Damon (Oakland Athletics)
Jim Edmonds (St. Louis Cardinals)
Torii Hunter (Minnesota Twins)
Gabe Kapler (Texas Rangers)

Given the target audience for this Web site, Gabe Kapler had to be included among the nominees. Ignoring Gabe would be like passing over Ellen as a nominee at the Lesbian Choice awards. Not that Gabe is gay--got the wife and kid. It's just that no player in baseball is more sophisticated in marketing himself to the gay community. For God sakes, he was on the cover of "Gym" Magazine. Still, he's a male model dressed as a ball player. Injury prone and a light hitter. His waxed, buff physique looks like that of a circuit party muscle queen, not a competitive athlete. I know, this is like criticizing the color choices on the Mona Lisa.

So who is baseball's best center-fielder? Defensively, it's Twink Torii Hunter. Admit it, though, doesn't Torii have the most sissified spelling of any first name in baseball? His hitting is kinda weak, too. But on defense, Torii's the manly man. Great fundamental defense was always the signature of Tom Kelly teams, and Torii's a worthy successor to the Great Kirby Puckett. At least when the other team's batting.

Is there a player in baseball with more kissable lips than Royal cutie Carlos Beltran? After a rough 2000, Carlos returned to the form which made him the 1999 ROY. Full and rich lips, but without that over-collagened Kim Basinger puffiness. Red delicious apple cheekbones, too. And, if you look south, those other cheeks are pretty hot, too.

So who was the most watchable man in centerfield for 2001? It comes down to choosing between two 2000 winners. Johnny Damon came over from the moribund Royals to (what everybody thought in March) the World Series bound A's and moved from left to center. Johnny's always been a notorious slow starter, but this year he waited way too long before getting hot. But he finally did. All the while showing off the most beautificent bubblebutt in all of baseball. If only he hit more in 2001.

But he didn't, so the 2001 Brass Balls Award for Center Field goes to ... Jim Edmonds of the St. Louis Cardinals.

My only repeat winner from 2000. People used to think that California cool Jimmy Edmonds would be a superstar superstud if he could only stay healthy. Edmonds has thrived in baseball-loving St. Louis. He can start a rally - batting over .300, on-base percentage over .400. He can finish a rally - 30 HR's and 110 RBI. And he can kill the other guys' rallies with stellar glove work. Darin Erstad ran Edmonds out of Anaheim because he thought the unflappable Mr. Edmonds was too even-tempered for the football mentality of the Angels' locker room. When the team lost, Jimmy wouldn't break watercoolers and kick dogs. He'd be the only one who kept playing great baseball during the Angels' traditional end-of-year slump. But--and this is important--stay away from the blonde frosting, Jimmy. Please.

RIGHT FIELD

The nominees for "most watchable" right fielder are (above, from left):
J.D. Drew (St. Louis Cardinals)
Vladimir Guerrero (Montreal Expos)
Ichiro! (Seattle Mariners)
Magglio Ordonez (Chicago White Sox)
Sammy Sosa (Chicago Cubs)

So many hot men in left and center, but slim pickings in right. Let's start off by dismissing the magnificent Vladimir Guerrero. An extraordinary ballplayer. The best throwing arm in the game. Not bad looking at all, but to keep it real here, the only fantasy in which Vlad plays a key role is on your fantasy league team. Guaranteed number one draft choice in any post-contraction dispersal draft. Pittsburgh Pirates, meet your reward for going 62-100.

The finest right field play in baseball 2001 was happening up in the Pacific Northwest, where Ichiro! became the most popular Japanese import since the Honda Accord. (Obvious joke, I know, but I've run out of my "A" material.) Ichiro! established himself as the planet's best lead-off hitter (although he could walk a little more) and best defensive right fielder. He single-handedly (well, maybe with some help from closer Kazuhiro Sasaki) made the Mariners the home team of a nation of over 100 million people. That's a bigger media market than even the Yankees. Not bad for a rookie.

So when will Tony La Russa realize that J.D. Drew is a full-time major league outfielder? Three years with the big club and showing steady improvement, J.D.'s poised for flat-out superstar superstud status in 2002. Would his development been any different if he had signed out of FSU with the Phillies, instead of snubbing them for a season in the Northern League? I haven't checked lately, but is J.D. still the least popular man in Philadelphia not named "Lindros"? 

But the most watchable right fielders in baseball play in the City of Big Shoulders. And, fittingly, both have got big shoulders. Next year, when the White Sox blow away the competition and sew up the AL Central by mid May, Magglio Ordonez may finally be recognized as America's newest sports superstar. Magglio brings a Jeter/Giambi type presence to the White Sox clubhouse and line-up. And there'll always be something sexy about cool, take-charge leadership.

But the 2001 Brass Balls Award for Right Fielder goes to ... Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs.

Don Baylor was wrong. Slammin' Sammy is a complete ballplayer. He hits for power. And he has muscles. He hits for average. And big muscles. He's got that infectious, glow-from-within smile. And huge muscles. Hard to remember that he was once a skinny Dominican kid on George W. Bush's payroll. Now, he's the first player to break Roger Maris' record in three separate seasons. Only the Wrigley Field ivy is a more perfect symbol of Chicago baseball.

HALL OF FAME

The Brass Balls Hall of Fame Award is my version of the Irving Thalberg, a kind of lifetime achievement in homoerotic athleticism. According to the Motion Picture Academy, the Irving Thalberg goes to the producer whose "body of work reflects a consistently high quality of motion of production." This goes simply to the body that was consistently high quality over the course of a career.

Last year, the first inductee into the Brass Balls Hall of Fame was George Brett. Continuing in that vein, the 2001 Brass Balls Hall of Fame inductee is ... Pitcher Jim Palmer.

Star pitcher for the Baltimore Orioles. He won three Cy Young Awards in the 70's. Inducted into Cooperstown in 1990. Movie star handsome. Witty. Quotable. But it's not pitching baseballs that made Palmer worthy of induction into our Hall of Fame. It's from pitching underwear.

Anyone alive during the 70's remembers Palmer's infamous Jockey underwear ad campaign. Keep in mind this was B.C. Before Calvin. By today's standard of male physical beauty, Jim was no Marky Mark Wahlberg. But the expectations for male physical beauty back then was not what it is today. Jim Palmer's Jockey ads were a jaw-dropping bit of eroticism (perhaps even homoeroticism) completely unexpected from the mainstream media back in the day.

If you were a young male back in the '70's, growing up in suburbia or maybe rural America, with a developing interest in the male body, you couldn't walk down to the corner store and buy a copy of "Torso" or even the International Male catalog. Jim's underwear ads in "Sports Illustrated" or other mainstream magazines provided the physical inspiration for many sessions of self-pleasuring. For this reason, Jim Palmer is a worthy inductee for the Brass Balls Hall of Fame.

Nov. 15, 2001

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