|
|
2002
Brass Balls Awards
By Charlie
in the Trees
Special to Outsports.com
FIRST BASE
The "nominees" for the
Most Watchable First Baseman of 2002 are (from left):
Jason Giambi (New York Yankees)
Mark Grace (Arizona Diamondbacks)
Doug Mientkiewicz (Minnesota Twins)
Scott Spiezio (Anaheim Angels)
Mike Sweeney (Kansas City Royals)
Let's first dispose of Jason Giambi. Giambi had a great season
for the Yankees. He hit a ton of homers. Drove in a boatload of runs.
He was everything the Yanks thought they were getting when they ponied
up the big bucks. Yet the Yanks underperformed in the postseason and,
hence, their season was a failure. Their great team chemistry was
altered and "Mystique" and "Aura" are now dancing elsewhere. Was it Giambi's fault? He doesn't look right in a Yankee uniform. Maybe it's
just the enforced whisker-less-ness. But he's no longer a hulking
huggable teddy bear in white shoes and a green cap. And what's up with
the hair parted in the middle? He's looks like a 1977 high school
yearbook photo come to life (in nicer clothes). And, besides, isn't
Giambi's contribution overrated? Just how valuable is a player when
he can be completely replaced, as Giambi was in Oakland, by Scott
Hatteberg?
Meanwhile, over in the Greeting Card Capital of the Universe, Mike
Sweeney was having his typical MVP-caliber season. All for a
Kansas City team that lost 100 games, but actually played much worse
than their 62-100 record would indicate. Sweeney is effortlessly good
looking. He also seems committed to sticking with a team that has
shown no demonstrable commitment to winning.
At the beginning of the season, I thought Scott Spiezio at
first base was one of the key reasons the Angels would fall just a
little short of Oakland and Seattle in the AL West. Turns out, he was
one of the reasons they didn't. Maybe it's just the facial hair, but
Spiezio looks like Mike Piazza having a rare "good hair" day.
By now, we all know how to pronounce (if not spell) the name of
Doug Mientkiewicz, last year's most watchable first baseman.
Doug's offensive numbers may have been down from 2001, but he
continued to be the best defensive first baseman, and generally an
all-around charismatic and quotable presence, in major league
baseball. Quick-witted, self-deprecating and
a total hottie. He should be one of our favorites for years to come.
And speaking of someone who has been a favorite for many many years
...
The 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable" First
Baseman goes to: Mark Grace of the Arizona Diamondbacks.
It's obvious that this is like giving John Wayne the Oscar for "True
Grit." Still, that's better than comparing it to Henry Fonda for the
treacly "On Golden Pond" ("the loons ... the looooooooooons") or,
worse yet, Geraldine Page for the unwatched "Trip to Bountiful," who,
if memory serves me right, won a "career achievement" Oscar then
promptly died. But Gracie is still great
looking. Still has a nice body. Witty. Outgoing. And wealthy! All in
all, the perfect date for man-lovers everywhere. With Gracie on the
verge of retirement after finally winning a World Series with last
year's D-Backs, it's time to pay him the homage due. If you're reading
this, Gracie, it's like Whitney Houston once said: We-e-e-e-e-e ...
will ... always ... love you-ou-ou-ou-ou.
SECOND BASE
The nominees for the Most
Watchable Second Baseman of 2002 are:
Bret Boone (Seattle Mariners)
Luis Castillo (Florida Marlins)
Mark Grudzielanek (Los Angeles Dodgers)
Junior Spivey (Arizona Diamondbacks)
Jose Vidro (Montreal Expos)
Handsome 27-year old Ernest Lee Junior Spivey solidified his
hold on the starting second base position for an elderly Arizona
D-Backs team that normally requires the showing of an AARP discount
card to crack its starting lineup. What a cute Snake.
A mid-year, 35-game hitting streak got people to finalize notice
Luis Castillo. And most of us really liked what we saw. All season
long Castillo generated excitement batting at the plate and running
the bases. Damn shame he's depending on disgraceful Marlins owner
Jeffrey Loria for his paycheck.
Booty-licious Bret Boone has the
best set of guy glutes out there. Not just baseball: humanity. Boonie
probably had the second best season of his 11-year major league
career. Yet everyone thought he was in a season-long slump. Why? He
had the best offensive year for an AL second baseman ever in 2001.
When the steroid scandal broke mid-year, Boone was one candidate for
cross-examination, based upon his dramatic performance improvement the
previous year. If Boone's incredible muscle butt was enhanced through
steroid use, I say this: better living through chemistry. (In all
seriousness, if Boone started using steroids for the 2001 season, that
would not explain the 53-point drop in his batting average in '02.)
Meanwhile, over in Dodgerland, Mark Grudzielanek (whose last
name makes even "Mientkiewicz" seem easy to spell) had another solid
season. Interesting paradox. Southern California is known for having a
disproportionate share of the best looking men in America. Wisconsin,
on the other hand, is known as the Wide Body Capital. Home of the
tubbiest tubs o'goo found anywhere. Yet, on both major league teams
based in the Los Angeles CMSA, the team hottie is a Cheesehead.
Milwaukee's Grudzielanek for the Dodgers and La Crosse native Jarrod
Washburn for the Halos. (Before I get hate e-mail from America's
Dairyland, let me say this in my weak defense: Anyone who's traveled
to Wisconsin and eaten the frozen custard, much better there than
anywhere else, understands totally how Wisconsinites got so hefty.)
Unfortunately, Grudzielanek does not generate the same stellar
offensive numbers as our other nominees.
So the 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable" Second
Baseman goes to: Jose Vidro of Les Expos of Montreal. Or D.C.
Or Fairfax County, Virginia. Or Puerto Rico. Or maybe even Portland.
Maine or Oregon, doesn't matter.
With 34-year old Roberto Alomar now apparently on the decline, and
likely to be elsewhere in 2003 (and given the painful season that
unfolded in the Borough of Queens, no Mets were eligible for the "most
watchable" designation), Vidro is now the pre-eminent second baseman
in the National League. Vidro reminds me of a Latin remake of the
young, pre-New York, mentally healthy Chuck Knoblauch. A baby-faced,
graceful athlete whose bowling-ball body shape camouflages boatloads
of muscle.
SHORTSTOP
The nominees for the Most Watchable Shortstop of 2002 are:
Alex S. Gonzalez (Chicago Cubs)
Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)
Edgar Renteria (St. Louis Cardinals)
Alex Rodriguez (Texas Rangers)
Miguel Tejeda (Oakland Athletics)
In the last 10 years, shortstop has become an offensive position.
Among the nominees, Chicago's Alex Gonzalez puts up the weakest
offensive numbers. By far. He's also nothing special on defense. Why
is he a nominee? Because he just may be the single best-looking player
in baseball. More than that, he may be the best looking man in
America.
Down I-55, Colombian native Edgar Renteria put up the best
offensive season--regular season--of his career. (His career
highlight still is getting the game-winning hit in the 1997 World
Series.) He's also the keystone of St. Louis's NL-best infield
defense. Yet as good as Renteria was, he's still not performing at the
level of the AL's Holy Trinity Plus One.
Only three of the four members of the AL "Trinity" are among the
nominees. Why not Nomar Garciaparra? Because (1) he's terrible
defensively and (2) let's just say he's not movie star handsome and
leave it at that.
Up in the Bronx, Derek Jeter had, for him, an off year. He
failed to hit .300. His slugging percentage was a mere .421, his
lowest since 1997. People starting whispering that he was a defensive
liability. (He's not. He may be no Omar Vizquel - who else is? - but
he's a perfectly legitimate major league shortstop.) Worst of all,
Jeter's Yankees (and they still are his team) only got to play one
round of playoffs. How humiliating.
So that leaves the two MVP candidates. Do people appreciate the fact
that Alex Rodriguez is on his way to being the greatest
shortstop of all time? Or that he fully deserves to be the highest-paid player in the game? Maybe not. He plays for such a tedious,
boring team. A-Rod hit 57 home runs in 2002. Granted, home run numbers
have been devalued, but do you know how many seasons the AL home run
leader hit more than 57 home runs? Five. Babe Ruth twice. Roger Maris' 61 in '61. And a couple of Hall of Famers named Hank Greenberg
and Jimmy Foxx back in the 30's. That's it. And the consensus is that
A-Rod only had a typical season. The equal of an A-Rod "typical"
season is a career year from a Hall of Famer. And he plays a key
defensive position, pretty darn well. And he's a looker.
But the 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable"
Shortstop goes to: Miguel Tejeda of the Oakland A's.
No one looks better wearing white shoes after Labor Day. The handsome
face looks nice, with those sleepy eyes. But Tejeda wins the award due
to his phenomenal lower body. Those enormous meaty thighs, in
particular. He also got so many clutch hits in the regular season,
especially during the A's incredible 20-game winning streak. He needs
to cut down on the bone-headed defensive miscues, though.
THIRD BASE
The nominees for
the Most Watchable Third Baseman of 2002 are:
Geoff Blum (Houston Astros)
Eric Chavez (Oakland Athletics)
Troy Glaus (Anaheim Angels)
Shea Hillenbrand (Boston Red Sox)
Scott Rolen (St. Louis Cardinals)
Let’s get real here.
There are only two third basemen that matter. The rest are just listed
so that I can keep the numbers at five. Geoff Blum, to name
one. Astros’ exhibition season pick-up from Les Expos. Cute as a
button. Best season of his young career, perhaps from playing in the
Ballpark Formerly Known as Enron.
Shea
Hillenbrand, to name the second. He was
voted starting All-Star third baseman. (Yes, really.) He played well
enough at third to satisfy even the pathologically pessimistic Fenway
faithless, umm, faithful. (Yes, really.) Not enough to be a
contender.
Nor is the superstar
play of surfer-dude Eric Chavez. Solid offensive numbers.
Perfectly adequate defensively. Cute, slacker-boy good looks. Still,
he could use a little more time in the weight room in the off-season.
Two third basemen are
in a league of their own. Contrary to the verdict rendered in
Philadelphia, the Cardinals’ mid-season acquisition Scott Rolen
is the complete stud. Greatest defensive third baseman in the game.
Terrific power-hitting. Completely unappreciated by the fans at
Veterans Stadium. Kinda like Mike Schmidt, in so many ways. Only
much better looking. Now totally appreciated in middle America, Rolen
appears to be loving the game a whole lot more. But those first
couple of months in Phillie were a little difficult to watch.
So the 2002 OUTSPORTS
BRASS BALLS award for “Most Watchable” Third Baseman goes to: Troy
Glaus of the Anaheim Angels.
Getting Glaus out of
that hideous blue, winged pajama outfit and into the Angels’ new
classic, understated red uniform catapults Glaus into the sex appeal
stratosphere. Most ballplayers look incomplete without their ballcap
on. Kinda like their missing their ears or arms. On the other hand,
Glaus goes from hot stud teddy-bear ballplayer, with cap on, to
complete matinee idol stud, sans cap. Glaus’s continuing great play
was key to the Halos’ sudden success this season. A deserving winner,
in a tough decision, over Rolen.
Oct.
22, 2002 |
