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2002
Brass Balls Awards
By Charlie
in the Trees
Special to Outsports.com
LEFT FIELD
The nominees for the Most Watchable
Left Fielder of 2002 are (from left):
Garret Anderson (Anaheim Angels)
Pat Burrell (Philadelphia Phillies)
Chipper Jones (Atlanta Braves)
Jacque Jones (Minnesota Twins)
Albert Pujols (St. Louis Cardinals)
Let's get the preliminary issue out of the way. Why wasn't Barry
Bonds among the nominees for left field? First, this is a tough
group to crack. All five had great seasons and looked awfully good
playing so well. Bonds was passed over, despite putting up offensive
numbers which, in totality, were even more impressive than 2001.
That's even with his home run production dropping almost 40 percent.
Why isn't Bonds among the five most watchable left fielders? Ugly
puffy body. Ugly (but improving) attitude.
Any of these five are worthy winners. Chipper Jones is the
first eliminated because he's still unwatchable on defense. He is
losing some of that Braves arrogance. which is enhancing his appeal.
The other Jones, Twink Jacque Jones, is the next eliminated. He
got Twins games this season off to good-looking starts. He established
himself as a quality lead-off hitter (although he does need to walk
more). He played great defense. And he's got a surprisingly muscular
body, packing 200 pounds of muscle onto the lean 5' 10" frame of a
middle distance runner.
Down in Orange County, California, sleepy-eyed Garret Anderson
had the best season of his stellar career. Anderson has a powerful
athletic body. He is 240 pounds of man-muscle daubed nicely onto a
V-shape torso, looking much more nicely in the real major league
uniform now worn by the Halos. Tough not to pick this stud.
But we're going with youth. So who is the best major league baseball
player born in the 80s? No question: Albert Pujols. In only two
seasons, he has 71 homers. His career slugging percentage is .586
(excellent for players not named Bonds). His career on base percentage
is just a hair under .400. Only 22, he's been an MVP candidate in each
of his first two seasons. He also is the reigning Rookie of the Year,
both for Major League Baseball and here for the Brass Balls Awards.
Already hot as Hades, he's maturing into something even more special.
Very tough not to pick this stud.
The 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable" Left Fielder
goes to: Pat Burrell of the Philadelphia Phillies.
Free ballin' Burrell took major strides to becoming a complete
ballplayer. His power numbers continue to climb. The batting average
is climbing. He's drawing more walks, although he needs to get the
strikeouts down. His outfield defense continues to improve. More
importantly, for purposes of this award, he may just have the perfect
baseball physique. Practical muscles. All covered with a masculine,
thin layer of body hair that does not hide his great definition. Only
26. His matinee idol good looks continue to mature. He's got those
masculine good looks that, you can already tell, will continue to get
hotter and hotter for the next 20 years or so..
CENTER FIELD
The nominees for the Most Watchable
Center Fielder of 2002 are:
Carlos Beltran (Kansas City Royals)
Johnny Damon (Boston Red Sox)
Jim Edmonds (St. Louis Cardinals)
Torii Hunter (Minnesota Twins)
Bernie Williams (New York Yankees)
Included among these nominees is Bernie Williams, one of People
Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People. That was good enough to put among
the five nominees for centerfield. Since the list included both
genders, that means someone somewhere thinks Bernie is among the 25
hottest males on the planet. Problem is: I don't think Bernie's among
the 25 hottest men in the Yankee locker room (after rosters have been
expanded and we're not counting David Wells), let alone the whole
planet.
Did you get a chance to catch Carlos Beltran this season?
Probably not. The K.C. Royals are truly bad TV. Other than cute Carlos
out in center, and Mike Sweeney over on first, there is no one worth
watching on this remarkably crappy team. It's only a matter of time
before Beltran and those kissable lips get too expensive for this
cheap, mismanaged franchised, and Beltran is sent to a team better
suited for family viewing.
If these listings were based on the single body part, Johnny Damon
would be a runaway winner based on booty. No one shows better outfield
buttage than Damon. His 2002 numbers were very consistent with his
career averages. Boston got their free agent money's worth. Problem
is: Damon just doesn't look right in a Red Sox uniform.
We're down to the two best defensive center fielders in baseball. Not
only do both play breath-taking defense, but they are key offensive
contributors to playoff teams that had very successful 2002s. So it
comes down to who's hotter. Lean and lovely Torii Hunter plays
center like a graceful gazelle, speedily covering enormous tracts of
land. But, oh man, the spelling of his name. He spells "Torii" like
some bubbleheaded bikini bimbo from "Baywatch."
So the 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable" Center
Fielder goes to: Jim Edmonds of the St. Louis Cardinals.
For the third time in three years, Jimmy is the most watchable center
fielder in baseball. His three years in Middle America have been the
most productive and healthiest of his career. While he verges on being
too pretty, he is quite the physical specimen. He has beefed up into
nearly a muscle god. And he's stopped doing stupid things with his
hair. (Those highlights he had last year were a little too 1998,
weren't they?) Now if he would only smile a little more and wipe that
Jeff George scowl off his game face.
.
RIGHT FIELD
The nominees for the Most Watchable
Right Fielder of 2002 are:
Dustan Mohr (Minnesota Twins)
Raul Mondesi (New York Yankees)
Tim Salmon (Anaheim Angels)
Sammy Sosa (Chicago Cubs)
Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners)
In the three years I've been doing these Brass Balls awards, right
field has been the hardest position to fill out a full slate of
nominees. It's like those obscure Grammy categories like "Native
American" or "polka." You're surprised there are even five recordings
in total, let alone five worthy nominees. Finding five sufficiently
hot right fielders is like trying to find five toe-tappin' polka
recordings worth a Grammy.
At one point, I thought the Twins Dustan Mohr was a lock, but
he's been dropped from consideration due to a horrific fashion error.
Right before the playoffs, he shaved his head, perhaps to look like
Twins superstar superstud center fielder, Torii Hunter. Mohr proved
the truth of the old adage: a white guy with a shaved head looks like
a cancer patient. Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura is the only white
guy who has successfully pulled off this look. But what works in the
Minnesota governor's mansion doesn't in the Minnesota lockerroom.
Over in the prettiest ballpark in the world, the Cubs were the
anti-Twins. This was a team with all the resources available to a
major market franchise. They should have been very competitive in
2002. Yet they were awful. And part of the blame must go to Sammy
Sosa. I hate to admit that Don Baylor was right, but Slammin'
Sammy has become a boring, one-dimensional ballplayer. (I still think
Baylor completely mishandled his criticism and deserved his subsequent
canning, but that's beside the point.) Sammy still looks incredible,
but, take the steroids test, big guy. Don't be so evasive. Stop the
Torricelli-esque denials. Pee in the damn cup already, please.
For the past two seasons, the most exciting right field has been
played by a Japanese import in Safeco Field, Ichiro Suzuki. But
he's exciting only in the edge-of-your-seat, thrill-a-minute
heart-throbbing kinda excitement. Not the kind of excitement that
causes throbbing elsewhere.
The Angels Tim Salmon once was among the hottest of the hot.
And his comeback from a terrible 2001 was wonderful to see. But his 34
year old body is starting to show some age. He's got just a slight bit
of paunch around the middle, giving him the physique of a star
softball player. Basically, he now looks like a dad. A really, hot
dad. The type of neighborhood dad you want to catch moving the lawn
shirtless. In frayed gym shorts. Using a push mower so he's sweating a
river and the back of the shorts are soaked. Thoroughly. Ummm, excuse
me while I take a cold shower.
And the 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable" Right
Fielder goes to: Raul Mondesi of the New York Yankees.
Mondesi has an incredible body, topped off with an awesome set of
traps. He has one of the best throwing arms in baseball, nearly as
good as Larry Walker in Colorado. Of course, his offensive numbers
were way down in 2002. And he has a reputation as a headcase who is
somewhat of a cancer in the lockerroom. Not one of those deadly
cancers. Something more easily detected and treated, like a testicular
cancer. Is it a coincidence that the Yankees run as AL champions,
which was so dependent upon team chemistry, ended with the acquisition
of Mondesi? While Jeff Weaver was probably a far deadlier cancer, more
like pancreatic cancer, Mondesi deserves some of the credit for
bringing the down the Yankees. The potential that Mondesi could have
torn the invincible Yankees apart, all while playing stellar right
field defense, makes him our most watchable right fielder of 2002.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
The nominees for the Most Watchable
Rookie of 2002 are:
Mark Ellis (Oakland Athletics)
Jason Jennings (Colorado Rockies)
Austin Kearns (Cincinnati Reds)
Damian Moss (Atlanta Braves)
Josh Phelps (Toronto Blue Jays)
The Brass Balls Rookie of the Year goes to the newcomer (I refuse
to use the porn movie spelling of that word) who caught our eye and
held it the longest.
Australian surfer dude Damian Moss established himself in the
Braves deep starting rotation. He also, unfortunately, immediately
adopted that trademark Braves arrogance. After the Giants knocked the
Braves out of their NLDS, humbling even the arrogant Chipper Jones,
Moss was adamant that the Braves would have beaten the Giants had they
only played them in a seven-game series. Shut up, dude.
From Australia to an even more exotic baseball locale: Alaska. Alaska
native Josh Phelps made quite in impact in the Great White
North, taking over the catching position in Toronto midseason from
some anonymous drone. His bio at mlb.com says that he graduated fourth
in his class from high school in Rathdrum, Idaho. Rathdrum. Get the
feeling that fourth may have been at the bottom of the class?
In Denver, young Jason Jennings turned in quite the impressive
season. Hey, for someone pitching in Coors, an ERA of 4.52 is
impressive. As any good sabermetrician would tell you, ballpark
effects must be factored in. So too must the "ball team effect."
Jennings stands out as a looker for the simple reason he plays for the
Colorado Rockies, a team that once again is the homeliest in baseball.
Even scorching hot Mike Hampton looks ugly at 5280 feet (but only when
he's on the mound pitching). Jennings looked very good in 2002, but
that's only in contrast to all the ugly mugs surrounding him on the
team photo. (And, yes, I am aware that gay icon Gabe Kapler is now a
Rock.)
Cognitive dissonance in the middle of Oakland's infield in the person
of rookie Mark Ellis. Baby face. All-man muscular body. Looks
like he'll be playing second in the East Bay for as long as Billy
Beane can afford him.
Speaking of cheap organizations, the 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award
for "Most Watchable" Rookie goes to: Austin Kearns of the
Cincinnati Reds.
Kearns would have been the consensus NL Rookie of the Year had he not
missed all of September because of a freak injury. Kearns is now a
cornerstone of the Reds development into contenders. This was supposed
to be the year that Reds' sophomore left fielder Adam Dunn joined the
pantheon of the game's elite. He nearly did. If Ken Griffey, Jr., can
stay healthy - I know, an "if" along the lines of the old joke that
"if grandma had balls she'd be grandpa." If Griffey gets healthy, the
2003 Reds will have the best outfield in baseball. But regardless of
who else is on the field in Cincinnati, my eyes will be glued to that
elfin-eared young stud in right.
Oct.
22, 2002 |
