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2002
Brass Balls Awards
By Charlie
in the Trees
Special to Outsports.com
STARTING PITCHER
The nominees for the Most Watchable
Starting Pitcher of 2002 are (from left):
Al Leiter (New York Mets)
Wade Miller (Houston Astros)
Mark Mulder (Oakland Athletics)
Jarrod Washburn (Anaheim Angels)
Barry Zito (Oakland Athletics)
One amazing thing about the Mets meltdown this summer. One player, and
possibly only this one, veteran starter Al Leiter, escaped the
ordeal with dignity intact. No allegations of pot smoking. No press
conferences about his sex life. Just more of the same quality starting
pitching he's made over his long career. The future senator (or at
least Senate candidate) from New York - and he's already been
mentioned for public office - has maintained his boyish good looks
deep into his 30s.
At the other end of the age spectrum, Houston's Wade Miller had
another stellar season in the second most difficult place in baseball
to pitch. Miller managed to even improve on his extraordinary 2001
numbers. He and teammate Roy Oswalt are establishing themselves as the
next best one-two pitching punch in baseball. BB-eyed Miller is the
hottie of the two.
Last year's most watchable starting pitcher put up even better numbers
in 2002, for a much improved team. The Angels' Jarrod Washburn
established himself as a number one starter. He put up an 18-6 record
and had an ERA of only 3.15. This Packer-loving, wholesome blonde
beauty looks younger than his 28 years. He's got the deepest blue eyes
in baseball. Easily the most watchable starting pitcher of 2002 not
throwing in Oakland.
Another incredible year (regular season) of starting pitching over in
the East Bay. Long lean Mark Mulder, with his axe-blade chin,
did not put up quite the superior numbers he did in 2001, but he gets
better and better looking with each passing year. A great pitcher, but
not quite the star of this show.
The 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable" Starting
Pitcher goes to: Barry Zito of the Oakland A's.
Cy Young candidate. Most wins in the AL at 23. Minuscule ERA of 2.75.
Colorful, free-spirited attitude. Great head of hair. And he's from
the greatest city on all the earth, the Most Exciting City in the
Milky Way, Las Vegas USA. Do you need any more reasons to love him?
RELIEF PITCHER
The nominees for the Most Watchable
Relief Pitcher of 2002 are:
Kelvim Escobar (Toronto Blue Jays)
Jason Isringhausen (St. Louis Cardinals)
Jorge Julio (Baltimore Orioles)
Robb Nen (San Francisco Giants)
Ugueth Urbina (Boston Red Sox)
Three of the hottest closers in baseball are Venezuelans playing in
the AL East. The B-Jays had one of them. Handsome flame throwing
Kelvin Escobar was given the job and he came up big, saving nearly
half of Toronto's victories. He did blow eight save chances and he had
a fairly high ERA. He looked much better than he pitched.
Guess who had another one of those hot Venezuelans? The Orioles!
Otherwise not known as having a handsome team, the O's young hottie
Jorge Julio was the only home team player worth watching in Camden
Yards. And he wasn't all looks. He put up some great numbers,
including an ERA under 2.00. He was one of the key reasons this team
severely over-achieved for the first four and one-half months of the
season. And he gets none of the blame why the O's completely stopped
winning with about 40 games to play.
And who's the third Venezuelan hottie in the AL East? Red Sock
Ugueth Urbina. There has been some sort of bizarre idea
circulating around New England that Ugie had a bad year. Don't believe
it. He had 40 saves and a low ERA of 3.00. He and another nominee,
Robb Nen of the San Francisco Giants, both have those same dark
intense Joe Stalin, a look that makes a closer extra intimidating.
Stalin-esque, though, is a characteristic better suited for striking
fear in the hearts of batters, not stirrings in the loins of
man-loving baseball fans.
Thus we also must look past Nen. He did a major upgrade in his looks
when he shaved his goatee and went with the Sonny Crockett stubble. A
very positive move, but not enough for the big prize.
So the 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable" Relief
Pitcher goes to: Jason Isringhausen of the St. Louis Cardinals.
Second year in a row. Different team. Uniform color changed from green
to red. Still, Jason has the same big save numbers, the same big cute
Dumbo ears, and the same big package, possibly the largest looking
basket in any major league bullpen. Immense.
CATCHER
The nominees for the Most Watchable
Catcher of 2002 are:
Brad Ausmus (Houston Astros)
Ramon Hernandez (Oakland Athletics)
Mike Matheny (St. Louis Cardinals)
Bengie Molina (Anaheim Angels)
Mike Piazza (New York Mets)
Once again, the best-looking baseball bodies are found crouched behind
home plate. During games, some of baseball's most handsome faces are
concealed, hidden from our view, frustratingly encased in molded
plastic masks. Shame shame shame.
So many hotties. So few nomination slots. Who had to be overlooked?
The extraordinarily handsome Ivan Rodriguez, who has become
little more than a part-time, supporting player and no longer a true
star. And out-of-this-world beautiful Javy Lopez, sporting the
definitive set of male glutes, but no longer getting the job done in
Atlanta. He soon will be lucky to have even a part-time role. Muscular
munchkin Einar Diaz. Rapidly aging, yet still darn cute,
Jason Kendall. Friend of Doug Glanville, Mike Lieberthal.
Even last year's winner Jason La Rue. None made the cut.
Among the nominees, perennial nominee Mike Piazza once again is
denied the trophy. Warning. Time for hackneyed, trite, worn-out, but
nonetheless mandatory Piazza joke: There is no truth to the rumor that
Piazza will be holding a press conference to announce that he was NOT
an Outsports' Brass Balls Award nominee. Thank you. Thank you very
much. You've been a great audience. Tip your waitresses. Enjoy the
buffet.
Y'know, Piazza press conference jokes just aren't getting any funnier
with repetition.
The good looks of Oakland A's catcher Ramon Hernandez are no
joke. (How's that for a segue?) And while he may be an important
component of this team's locker room appeal, he has been a weak link
in the line-up.
Studly Cards catcher Mike Matheny has that strong-silent type
mystique going for him. He provides quiet, calming leadership to a
patchwork Cardinals pitching staff. His wife was a varsity field
hockey player at Michigan, so we know at least one person in that
family is comfortable in the locker room, showering with gay athletes.
I don't understand quantum physics either, but I do understand that
Brad Ausmus is a hot handsome hunk o'man-flesh. The good looks of
male model ... the good looking kind, like from the IM catalog, not
the scrawny unwashed famine-victim look favored in cologne ads. The
sweetest smile this side of milk drinkers convention. Those
preternaturally white teeth! While Ausmus's offensive production has
deteriorated these past two seasons in hitter-friendly BFKAE, he
continues to catch an excellent game. He's almost the most watchable
catcher.
The 2002 OUTSPORTS BRASS BALLS award for "Most Watchable" Catcher goes
to: Bengie Molina of the Anaheim Angels.
A powerfully muscular lower body, typical of a major league catcher.
Rugged, uber-masculine good looks, more typical of a western movie
star. Benjamin Jose Molina is yet another athlete who gets hotter and
hotter with age. (No kidding, but his bigger little brother, Jose
Benjamin Molina, also catches for the Halos.) The smaller big-brother
Molina is a standout among the hotties on what is arguably baseball's
most attractive team.
HALL OF FAME
2000 Winner: George Brett
2001 Winner: Jim Palmer
 The
Hall of Fame award goes to the retired baseball player most fondly
remembered by gay baseball fans everywhere. Admission to the Brass
Balls Hall of Fame is for the men of baseball who have made the point
- and then hammered it home - that sports, especially baseball, are
not incompatible with homosexual yearnings. Specifically, that those
of us with homosexual yearnings could and should make athletes the
objects of our desire.
As I said before, this is my version of the Oscar's Irving Thalberg, a
kind of lifetime achievement in homoerotic athleticism. And since the
award rewards homoeroticism, it is time to reward an honest-to-God
homo. The 2002 Brass Balls Hall of Fame inductee is: retired
outfielder, restaurateur and now screen and stage actor Billy Bean.
Bean is the obvious choice, despite only a brief six-year major league
career. His is the most prominent, publicly out, living professional
baseball player past or present.
Bean is nonetheless a controversial figure within the gay community.
He is often criticized by those who sincerely believe that all gay men
- especially public figures who are gay - need to be out, whether as a
question of mental and emotional health, or to be role models for the
next gay generation. Billy has an agenda different from this element
of the gay community.
Bean kept himself closeted throughout his major league career. He
continues to take the position that baseball and the baseball-watching
public are not ready for an openly gay player. Maybe he's right. Maybe
he's not. But he certainly has more experience contemplating this
issue than those loudly vocalizing their opposition to his defense of
the closet.
Even Bean's critics must concede that he is doing a lot of good
breaking gay stereotypes. His articulate, level-headed masculine
demeanor is a positive antidote to the unfortunate gay stereotypes
perpetuated by popular TV shows like "Will and Grace," which prove
that gays on TV must either be sexless (Eric McCormack's "Will") or a
prancing queer Stepin Fetchit (Sean Hayes' "Jack").
Laud him or criticize him.
Your choice. But concede that Billy Bean has made the pathway a little
more clear for whoever will be the first openly gay baseball player.
And appreciate the fact that, all the while, Bean is maintaining his jockish, boyish good looks as he approaches his 40th birthday. Welcome
to the Brass Balls Hall of Fame, Billy Bean.
Oct.
25, 2002 |
