|
HOME
WHO IS CHARLIE?
On an episode of TV's "South
Park," role model Cartman once warned everyone to "Watch
out for Charlie in the Trees."
And I like to think that'll set the tone for my Outsports.com
column. I like to think of myself as somewhat dangerous, or cunning,
but above the fray, watching down upon the sports scene like a
slimmed-down version of the Slice Blimp. Or the Fuji Film Blimp. Or
the Shamu the Killer Whale for Seaworld Blimp.
Only I'm not in a blimp. Nor am I a blimp. I'm not even in the
trees, in actuality. I'm just above it all.
You may be wondering: what's up with him? Why is he qualified to
write a sports column for the premier Web site for gay athletes and
athletic supporters? (Cheap pun, I know, but there are some thing's
that I'm just not above.)
Why am I qualified? Well, I will have you know that I am
experienced with all facets of the sports scene due to the fact that
I share my house with a dark, muscular, good-looking retired
athlete.
OK, so the retired athlete is a ex-racing greyhound that I adopted.
Greyhound racing is a sport. And he is cute as a button.
And to protect the reputation of my retired athlete life-partner,
you know, for the sake of all those potential endorsements, I write
about the sports scene under a nom de gay, Charlie - in the Trees.
E-mail
Charlie
Past Columns
I'm
sick of Tiger
Is
A-Rod worth that much?
Brass
Balls Awards
The
best sports time of the year
I'm
in love with a hot Spanish gymnast.
Can't
get enough of those shaved armpits.
Why
I hate the Redskins
Give
me Jeter over Cruise
|
The Giants May Be Dull,
but the Ravens Are Pure Evil By
Charlie In The Trees
Special to Outsports.com
LAS VEGAS--
 America's great secular holiday, Super Bowl Sunday, is nearly here.
Baltimore vs. New York. If you enjoy the history and tradition of sports, this should be a great match-up. The emphasis is on the
"should."
Two of the definitive championship games in the history of pro football
involved teams from Baltimore and New York. Super Bowl III. New York
backs up Joe Willy Namath's guarantee and wins a shocker, 16-7. That game
forced the NFL-AFL merger and established the Super Bowl as the premier single
day event in sports.
Or go back in time to the 1958 NFL championship. Before my time too,
but Baltimore beat New York 23-17 in an overtime thriller that is generally
regarded as the most important football game of all time. It established pro football as the made-for-TV sport and caused a
significant crack to open in baseball claim as the national pastime.
And speaking of baseball, Baltimore and New York has been a great baseball
rivalry, too. The 1996 American League Championship Series between Baltimore and New York. Game one was decided by the infamous Jeffrey
Maier fan catch of Derek Jeter's "home run," which propelled the Yankees into their great run of the last few years.
Then there's Babe Ruth. Born and raised in Bal'mer, he established himself
as the dominant player in the first half-century of baseball in ... New
York.
And don't forget that the New York AL baseball franchise started out as
the Baltimore Orioles. That team began that great Baltimore tradition of
losing its sports franchises (Colts? Bullets?). The original Orioles moved
to New York for the 1903 season, renamed the Highlanders and, only later, the
Yankees. Of course, 50 years later, Baltimore started its other sports
tradition of ripping the heart out of some other community by stealing
that city's beloved Browns franchise and moving it to the Crab Lands. Yes,
I'm still bitter over Baltimore stealing the ST. LOUIS Browns of baseball.
Should tradition hold when the Baltimore and New York football franchises
meet with a championship at stake, the game should be not only exciting, but
defining. One big problem, though, is that this isn't the same Baltimore
franchise that played in the earlier championship classics. It's not
the tradition-rich Colts, it's the tradition-free Ravens. And, of course,
Super Bowl III was a different New York team. Long Island's New York Jets.
Something tells me that tradition will be broken. I'll settle for a game that stays
interesting until midway through the third quarter.
Who do you think will score more? Baltimore offense, Baltimore defense,
Baltimore special teams, Giants offense, Giants defense, or Giants special
teams? If you ask 100 football fans, do you realize that no one-NO ONE-guesses the Baltimore offense. Top guess is usually Baltimore defense.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that the top scoring unit
will be: the Giants offense. It's a gutsy call, with these two teams,
guessing one of the offensive units. After all, the Ravens offense is just so
bad and the Ravens defense is just so awesomely incredible.
Isn't it amazing that Kerry Collins is in the Super Bowl and everybody
agrees that he is clearly the superior quarterback? His comeback is one of the great stories in football this year. Here is a
guy who got headlines for being an immature lout in an NFL backwater,
Carolina. I think I may once have referred to him as someone who gave
an interview to the "Southern Partisan" with Bud Light on his breath.
Actually, I think my exact language was: racist drunk.
I owe Kerry Collins a huge apology for being so flip. After bombing
out in Carolina and New Orleans, with more baggage than a 747 bound for L.A.,
Collins quietly rebuilt his personal life and his professional career.
And not just anywhere, but New York! Correct me if I'm wrong, but New
York's not an easy place to pull yourself together. Just ask Daryl Strawberry.
If ESPN did a "Behind The Music" series, they'd have no trouble filling
years of programming about athletes whose careers were cut short by too much
booze
and drugs. (I would presume that anything regrettable that Collins said
during his Carolina years -- such as his use of the n-word that got him
a reputation as a racist -- was wholly a product of his alcohol use, or,
as they used to say, it was the booze talking. Not Kerry.) Collins got a second chance and he has
soared.
So I'm all over that bandwagon. I'm also all over the Jessie Armstead
bandwagon, too. Unless Phil McConkey suits up for this one, Jessie will be
the hottest thing on the Super Bowl field. He's so hot, I don't even
care that he's an ex-Cane.
One bandwagon I'm not on: Jason Sehorn. What's up with him? Yeah, I
know he's got the perfect gay boy's wet dream body: all muscle, waxed to
smooth perfection. But he does not do it for me. His facial expression
always looks he was just caught fellating a dill pickle. I'd rather have seen
Johnnie Morton losing his pants.
So, the Giants represent everything that is good about tackle football
and everything that is good about America. The Ravens are pure evil.
Eee-vil, with three e's. That means really evil.
The Ravens have four ex-Miami Hurricanes, the Giants only two. Under
this reasonable method of measuring the evil of a pro football franchise,
the Giants are clearly the more respectable team.
And, of course, the Ravens have the most evil figure in the game out
there. While I very well could be referring to Art Modell, I am not. I am
referring to Ray Lewis, who is also a 'Cane. It figures, doesn't it?
There's something about Lewis that I still find creepy. I know the murder
charges were dropped in a plea bargain, but it's clear that Lewis showed
really questionable behavior when a murder happened right near him. He's at
least guilty of reprehensibly poor taste in choosing friends. I'm not
saying he should be locked in the penitentiary. but I am absolutely positive
that I don't have to cheer him in the Super Bowl.
With Ray Lewis on the field, I half expect Neve Campbell and Courtney Cox (or even Jennifer
Love Hewitt, the poor teenagers' Neve Campbell) to be running around the
field, screaming their lungs out with Freddie Prinze Jr. helpless to save
them. Ray Lewis makes every football game into Grade-Z horror movie.
I also have a tremendous aversion to any team that constantly cries about
not getting respect. You want respect? Win a championship. You'll
get more than enough respect. And on top of that, they are playing the
phony motivation game. Pretty-boy n Sehorn makes some innocuous comment
about the Ravens not pressuring Trent Dilfer to have to win games single-handedly and Brian Billick and his bunch o' pathetic whiners
start in with their faux tough guy: "Oh yeah. So he doesn't think our
quarterback is good enough to win games single-handedly." Sheesh. If that's what
you got to do for motivation, maybe it's just not worth motivating yourself
over.
And, it must be noted for the record: Ray Buchanan was right. Shannon
Sharpe does look like Mr. Ed.
Between Ray Lewis, Art Modell, and the worst offense ever to play in an
NFL championship, I can't think of a single reason to cheer the Ravens.
The Giants have no accused murderers. They have Wellington Mara, the
greatest owner in the NFL this side of the Rooney family. They are not
the worst team to play in the Super Bowl. After all, Mr. Buchanan's
Falcons were there only a few years ago. I want the Giants to win this
one.
But my ability to predict winners and losers this season has been perfectly
awful. Flipping a coin will get you a higher winning percentage. My
predictions have been so awful that they are virtually a perfect reverse
indicator of who will win the game. I don't want to jinx the Giants.
I do want to jinx the Ravens. So I predict that the Ravens win: 4-3.
Disagree
with Charlie? Then fire away on our Discussion
Board.
|