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Since the end of the year is a natural point to look back, I thought I'd review some of what went on--sort of--during 2004. It was quite a year in Boston. The Patriots won the Super Bowl for the second time in three years and the Red Sox won the World Series for the first time in 86 years. Meanwhile, in hell, there was mixed news. Satan Inc. celebrated a record year in soul acquisitions by its New England division but ordered personnel changes in its New York City office. The company said in a statement that "Yankee-related acquisitions dropped sharply in 2004. We thought we could rely on Alex Rodriguez to boost our margins and once again keep our New York/New Jersey divison afloat despite the failures of the Mets, Jets, Giants, Nets, Knicks, Rangers, Devils and Islanders. Clearly we were mistaken." The Detroit Pistons won the NBA title over the Los Angeles Lakers despite the Lakers' star power of Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O'Neal, Karl Malone and Gary Payton. The Lakers responded by giving Bryant general manager's duties. Bryant traded O'Neal to Miami and signed himself to a new long-term contract, stating that "I need to buy some more jewelry for the wife." To get to the finals the Pistons beat the Indiana Pacers. Indiana's Ron Artest vowed after the series that the Pacers would get even next time the teams met "even if we have to go into the stands and beat up on some fans to do it." The Tampa Bay Lightning won the Stanley Cup. The NHL was so stunned that a team from Florida won the Cup that the league went out of business. Connecticut won both the men's and women's NCAA basketball championships. The NCAA saw this and thought, "Maybe we should have a real championship in Division 1-A football....nahhhhhhh."
A previously unknown horse from Philadelphia Park race track named Smarty Jones won the Kentucky Derby and Preakness. He faded down the stretch in the Belmont and failed to win the Triple Crown. While many fans still celebrated his efforts, Philadelphia Phillies players were overheard cursing out the horse and complaining that "Larry Bowa will be on us worse than ever now." Fortunately for them, it was Bowa who ended up being sent to the glue factory. Meanwhile, Smarty Jones was retired from racing and sold to stud due to a leg injury. Not only does Smarty no longer have to race, but he's encouraged to have lots of sex with multiple partners. Hoping for a similar outcome, Kobe Bryant tried to goad Shaquille O'Neal and Karl Malone into beating him to a pulp. The Summer Olympics were held in Athens. One of the highlights was the success of the Iraqi men's soccer team, which pulled off a series of upsets to get into the medal round. There was worldwide sentiment that a trade be arranged to send the Iraqi soccer team to the USA in exchange for the USA men's basketball team. With allegations of steroid use continuing to swirl around her, Marion Jones was unable to duplicate her 2000 Olympic success. Later she signed a three-year contract with the San Francisco Giants. Even the Olympics were tainted by disagreeable behavior. A fight broke out between judges of pairs' figure skating and men's gymnastics over which sport had the most incompetent and crooked judges. After collecting their bribes the boxing judges ruled it a draw. New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey announced that he is a gay American. Millions of New Jersey residents were shocked to learn that their state's highest elected official was, in fact, American. Seeing that polls showed an increase in McGreevey's popularity immediately after his announcement, Pete Rose announced, "What I meant to say when I admitted betting on baseball was, 'I'm a gambling American.' NOW can I be in the Hall of Fame?" And finally...stop applauding!...Super Bowl viewers were shocked by the exposure of Janet Jackson's breast -- mostly because she was still considered by many to be the most "normal" member of the Jackson family. Monday Night Football viewers were shocked by the exposure of Nicolette Sheridan's back -- mostly because they were expecting Jeff Garcia to leap naked into the arms of Terrell Owens. (And you thought you'd get through this without seeing his name? Ha! Even when injured it's all about T.O., baby!) Joe In Philly is
the most prolific poster in the history of the
Outsports
Discussion Board. His thoughts can be found there daily. Dec. 30, 2004 |
