Columns

My High School Experience Is a Total Hell

A teen tells about battling anti-gay prejudice in rural Georgia 

(Shannon Peavy, 18, is a high school senior in Georgia. He gave this speech in October in Atlanta at a coming out event sponsored by Enlight Atlanta, and granted Outsports the permission to publish it.  He has a profile in the Outsports Clubhouse.)

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I am an 18-year-old student in a rural county east of Atlanta. I am here to tell you about the struggles I have had being a gay teen in a Georgia school. 

My story begins when I was in middle school. I was meeting more people than I ever had before. When I was in 6th grade, I began to feel closer to my male friends. I felt I was hiding something, but I didn't know what it was. By 8th grade, I began to understand my feelings. I realized that I was much more interested in guys than I was in girls, but I felt that I was not normal because no one else at my school seemed to be like me. I was also taught that Christianity rejects homosexuality. 

One student made fun of me in class by showing a picture to me from a magazine. He asked me: "How does this look? I mean the girl in the swimsuit, not the car!" Everyone in the room laughed, but I felt very insulted. When I began high school, I was very excited about it. I thought I might finally meet some other gay students. However, I still remained in the closet and denied my sexuality to others.

My peers asked me questions regarding my sexual interests, and they were usually very rude about it. When I was in Art class in 9th grade, I faced some severe harassment. A guy I sort of knew came up to me and asked if I ``liked it in the front or in the behind,'' and made other lewd comments about me. After that, he continually threatened that he and his friends would attack me. I told my principal about this, but wasn't ready to tell her it was because of my sexuality. Eventually, the problem was resolved, but I felt I needed to switch to another school to avoid any more conflicts.

A Love of Sports but Indecisive About Trying Out

When I started at school, I felt confident that maybe this school would offer support to gay students, both in faculty, staff, and the student body. I was also interested in trying out for the school's football team since I loved sports. However, I felt indecisive about it because I feared that everyone would find out about my sexuality and then harass me in a place where I couldn't call for help. In 10th grade, I had a crush on a guy who was an excellent football player and wrestler. I wanted to talk to him so that we could be friends. I also wanted to be able to be open with him about my sexual identity. We exchanged phone numbers so I could come out of the closet to him over the phone. About a month later, I finally did.

He stated to me that he wasn't gay himself, but he seemed sympathetic, yet confused in how to talk about it. A few days later, I noticed his phone number on my Caller ID. I felt excited, and thought that he accepted me and wanted to discuss it. I called him back, but his father answered. He said that I scared his son and that if I ever hung around him or called him again, the father would ``take any matters necessary to stop me.''  I didn't do anything to his son. All I ever wanted was to be his friend. 

After the phone call, I cried. I had several thoughts of suicide, and remained miserable for a very long time. I didn't feel safe. When 10th grade was coming to an end, my ex-friend began to taunt me and he wrote the word "QUEER" in my yearbook. When the next school year began, he became more aggressive. He publicly ridiculed me and threw garbage at me in the commons area with his friends. He also tried to trip me when I was sprinting on the track and told several students at the school about my sexual identity.

Some of my friends asked me if I am gay, but I still denied it for fear of being attacked. To overcome isolation, I visited several youth support websites, including Youth Pride.  I was finally able to fully understand and accept my sexuality. Since then, I have come out to a close friend of mine from school who is straight. I feared that I would lose my friendship with him, but he said that he is 100% supportive, and that anti-gay discrimination is wrong.

I am very glad that I was able to come to terms with being gay, but I know I am more fortunate than many of my classmates. My friend told me there are other gay students at the school, but most are in the closet and many do drugs to try to cope with their lives. I am very proud that I have a friend that would never leave me because of my sexual identity and supports me wholeheartedly. 

Greatest Fear Is Uncertainty

The school faculty is very prejudiced and ignorant to gay students so I can't talk to them openly about why I am depressed sometimes. The majority of the people who attend and work at my school know little about what it truly means to be gay. With the help of Enlight Atlanta, I want to start a Gay-Straight Alliance at my school so that all students there can learn about the different sexual orientations in a safe, supportive place. I know my Gay-Straight Alliance will help students to stop abusing drugs and attempting suicide. 

My experience in high school is a total hell. I hold my face down when I walk in the halls because I don't want people to see how depressed I am. Everyone else seems like they are happily living out their straight lives. I can't live my life as openly as they can because so many of them consider it unacceptable. 

Gay life at my school is placed under the code of silence. To say anything openly about my sexuality would create a major challenge for me. There is always a fear that I will face physical, verbal, or sexual harassment from hostile students. They make the environment hostile by regularly using negative remarks about gay people. There have been threats about beating up gay students for the fun of it. Every day I hear the word "faggot" and the derogatory phrase "that's so gay" from students who either don't understand what they're saying or don't even care. To them, bashing gay students and verbally ridiculing them is a type of blood sport. 

Violence, isolation, and uncertainty are the biggest factors that fuel my fears. My greatest fear about being out in my school is uncertainty. No one knows for sure how the students at the school of the community would react to me being open about my sexuality. I lost two friends because of my need to be honest. I fear that more people will turn against me, spread rumors, and have a mob chase after me and hunt me down in my neighborhood. I fear being all alone. Fortunately, I discovered Enlight Atlanta in May. Since then, they have been helping me feel better each day. With reassurance, hope, and positive input, they truly make the world a better place for me. Thank you.

Nov. 29, 2001

Enlight Atlanta is always on the lookout for individuals, businesses or groups who would like to contribute financially and/or volunteer to help support their educational programming and advocacy work for the safety and equality of all members of the K-12 school community, regardless of actual or perceived sexual orientation and gender identity. Anyone interested in being kept aware of Enlight activities can sign up at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/enlight-atlanta/join. This is not a discussion group, so you will only receive important announcements.

(Outsports is looking for personal stories about being gay and its impact, especially in the area of sports. Send e-mail submissions to: In Their Own Words.)