Campus

"Team, I'm Gay"
A former West Coast Coach of the Year tells why he came out to his team

By Sean Burns
Outsports.com

From 1993 to 2002 I was the men’s tennis coach at Santa Clara University. Working at SCU for nine years was a great experience, but, over the course of the 2002 season, I was having doubts about continuing with coaching. There were many factors involved in my thinking, both professional and personal.

Professionally, I had always said that I did not intend to coach until I was 40 because of the all-consuming nature of the job. Personally, I had worked through a struggle that had made coaching less attractive: I had acknowledged to myself that I am gay – a tough situation for a man leading a group of 10 young men at a Catholic university.

I knew, however, that quitting in order to avoid dealing with my sexual orientation was not the way I wanted to go. With the urging of a number of people, I realized that I had to find out whether I could coach as a gay man before I made a clear decision to leave coaching and the program I had worked so hard to build.

On February 28, 2002 I had four meetings with players from the team. With carefully planned words, I explained that I was in the process of coming out and that part of that process included talking to people who were important to me; the players were among those people. I was a little emotional in a couple of meetings and had a tough time getting the words out.

Leading up to that fateful day were years of angst and turmoil. People ask me now, “When did you know you were gay?” Well, I remember feelings I had when I was five and six years old (and seven and eight and nine and…..35). I also remember being aware enough then to know that I better keep those feelings hidden.

Even with all those feelings, I denied to everyone, including myself, that I was gay. The only gay people I was aware of were very effeminate or liked dressing as women. I was not like that – I could not relate to them. To me that meant that I was not gay – just a little confused and “curious.”

I dated women sporadically until 2000, but dating was always a frustrating experience. I was very lucky – the women I dated were mostly very bright, attractive, engaging and caring women. As much as I cared for these terrific women, though, I never felt totally comfortable or fulfilled in these relationships.

A couple years after turning 30, I decided I would try to act on my sexual feelings in an effort to discover what would make me happy and fulfilled. I began to emerge very slowly from the closet. Unlike many of my straight peers and most of my gay peers, I never had a single intimate encounter with another male when I was growing up (in fact, not until well after I turned 30). I knew very early on that would be a dangerous game for me to play. I guess the straight guys were just curious and playing around. I was afraid playing around would define me as a homosexual.

What a giant leap it would take to soon tell my team I was gay.

The day I came out at Santa Clara, I was emotionally spent after the four meetings with the athletes on my team. My assistant coach George and I went to lunch and then I went home for the day. The plan was for the players to meet and discuss the situation and then run practice themselves. The team captains would report to me the next day if the players had any pressing issues about my coming out. That meeting took a total of about three minutes. Other than appearing a little stunned, the players were very supportive and not a negative word was uttered. Their most common response: “We’ve got your back.”

The only hint of concern that I heard was when a player asked, “What should we tell visiting recruits?”

I returned the next day. At the beginning of practice each day, part of our daily routine was for one player to read a quotation and explain its relevance to our (or his) circumstances. On that day I told the team that it was my turn and I relayed the following story:

I came out to three close childhood friends last month. A few minutes after I had told them, one asked, “Sean, just how comfortable are you with this sexuality thing?” After I told him I was getting pretty comfortable, he said, “Good. Because what I really want to know is when we can start giving you a hard time about it. We haven’t been able to harass you about anything for about a decade and this should give us some pretty good ammunition.” As someone who gives everyone a hard time and talks quite a bit of trash, I responded, “You can say whatever you want as long as the jokes are original and reasonably tasteful…otherwise let’s skip them.”

After telling the team that story I let them know that the subject was not taboo and that, if they had any questions, they could ask me at any time. After discussing some other details, we started practice.

The drama was over—and, in fact, things went incredibly well. Our record up to that point (March 1) was two wins and three losses. We did not lose a match for almost two months, compiling 12 straight victories, the longest winning streak ever at Santa Clara. In that span we had four huge wins during our Spring Break over nationally ranked teams from the PAC 10 (Oregon), ACC (Clemson), Big 10 (Wisconsin) and WCC (San Diego). I don’t contend that we won those matches because of the revelation of my sexuality, but it certainly didn’t hurt the team’s performance.

In the athletic department and on campus there was no negative fall out either. Through conversations with the Human Resources Department, I was well-prepared to handle any unpleasant issues that arose, but none did. Our softball coach even approached me, asking me to discuss my coming out process with her team. After I did, the feedback was extremely positive. One player, raised in a fundamentalist Christian family, told me that she was brought up to think of homosexuals in a very negative light, but that our conversation had changed her thinking.

A friend of mine, in discussing the coming out talks I give to students these days, said that in some ways it’s too bad my coming out experience at Santa Clara was so easy because now I can’t relay dramatic stories of my trials and tribulations as a gay coach.

He was wrong. The real story of my coming out process at Santa Clara is that in the end there were no dramatic stories to tell: there was nothing to it. The guys on the team completely accepted me. Their knowledge of my sexuality did not undermine their confidence in me in the slightest. On the contrary, a number of them expressed their gratitude for my respecting and trusting them with such personal information. Our team went on to have our best season ever and at the end of the year I was even named West Coast Conference Coach of the Year.

After the season, I decided that I wanted to broaden my horizons – I couldn’t spend 24 hours a day thinking about tennis any more. But coming out to the team and seeing that I could coach effectively as a gay man enabled me to make a clear decision about my career. I left Santa Clara with the peace of mind that it was for the right reason – because it was time to pursue other challenges – not because of my sexuality.

My life is quite different now. I earned my MBA at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland, last year. In addition to doing some exciting travel, I have spent 2004 studying to be an executive/personal coach and have started my own coaching enterprise: Burns Coaching. Business is picking up: I just got a few more clients and am improving as a coach. Additionally, I have had the opportunity to speak at a number of campuses over the past year. As a member of the NCAA Speakers Grant List, I speak at colleges and universities on sexual diversity, trying to increase awareness of, and sensitivity to, gay athletes.

On a personal level, I am much more comfortable with my sexuality. I am out to most people who know me and make no attempt to hide my sexual identity from anyone (not that I will be able to after this article, anyway). Being out has enhanced my life tremendously. The most exciting development in this whole process is that I have accomplished what I never thought I would: I have found my partner, Graham, and am thrilled to be in a committed relationship.

I have started speaking to high school and college students about this topic, and am writing this story here, because I didn’t have any gay role models when I was younger, and I could have used them.

I do not advocate that every lesbian and gay man must come out now. Everyone has his or her own timetable. I was not prepared to come out any sooner. My tenure at Santa Clara gave me time to get more comfortable with my sexuality while gaining confidence and credibility in my profession. Without those ingredients I don’t know that I would have been able to do it.

I do know, however, that every person who comes out makes life a little easier for those people who still struggle, like I did, for over 30 years.

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Sean Burns was the men’s tennis coach at Santa Clara University from 1993-2002.  He now runs his own company: Burns Coaching.  Sean works with businesses and individuals to help them establish their long-term vision and to set goals to reach that vision. He also speaks at high schools and colleges to their students, faculty, coaches and athletes on sensitivity to sexual diversity issues.