Closeted coach seeks advice Options

[Frustrated__Coach]

On the recommendation of Cyd Ziegler, I'm posting my current situation to the message board in the hopes of hearing some good advice and possibly some other coaches in similar situations who would be willing to share their perspective on an incredibly complex problem.

I am a head coach of a men's team sport at a major division one university. I am totally closeted, not married, totally gay and no one would guess. My boys are always trying to set me up on dates with women.

I am also from a very religious Southern Baptist background, and my family is belligerant towards homosexuality. In the mid 80's a cousin who came out of the closet was cut off from the family and later died of AIDS in California in 1988. I still attend church and Bible studies and struggle with reconciling my sexual preferences with my faith. I am becoming anti-religion (but not anti-faith or anti-God).

For the past 10 years I've visited AOL and then gay.com chat rooms when the "urge" hit me and satisfied my sexual 'needs'. I'm not proud of it, but it was what I did. Dealing with my sexuality in this manner actually helped me focus on my job and put my sexual orientation on the back burner because I only dealt with it when it was "hot" so to speak.

My career has been one of unmitigated success. My team is a nationally ranked power and I was named conference coach of the year last season. Additionally, I have not had a losing season since my first year coaching (and that at the high school level). At this relatively young age (low 30's), I have accomplished almost all the goals I could possibly hope to achieve in this field short of a national championship. I am seen as a good recruiter, and I have had offers from other colleges.

I enjoy my current position, as it is not too far from my family, but it is in the South, and the area is extremely conservative and is not gay-friendly.

This past year has seen a series of changes which have upset the balance in my life and have placed me in a crisis point from which I am not sure I will be able to escape in tact. Last November, I had a brush with cancer. I did not tell anyone (not even my family) until my first surgury, and the vast majority of my co-workers and players still do not know. I have shared my story with some players in order to relate to some struggle in their own life. I am now cancer free. However, this proverbial 'brush with death" caused me to reflect on my situation in life.

The image I saw reflected in that assessment wasn't one I liked. I saw a man who's self image was steadily declining because of his inability to come to grips with his sexuality, and who's life was wracked with the fear of being discovered and outted. I saw a man who was alone, and who increasingly isolated himself from friends and family because of his fears of setting off people's "gaydar". I saw a man who's serial one-night stands put at risk his health and career, and who's chances of love and a relationship were lessened by each "hook-up".

The central issue (which hasn't changed, by the way, it's always been the central issue, but it's been one I've put on the back burner) is that my family, my team, my university, and my career are not even remotely gay-friendly. I have been left with a few choices, none of which are easy.

1) Be gay, leave my career, family and region.
2) Be gay, stay in my career, and region, lose my family, and watch my team and career eroded by homophobia.
3) Be gay, stay in my career, change my region, and struggle to be some sort of gay poster child for gayness.
4) Be closeted, stay in my career, and continue to be successful, although ultimately alone and unhappy.
5) Hope the cancer returns soon, and die a young successful coach whom everyone remembers fondly.

Now while I only say number 5 half-jokingly, you have to understand that I am in a real situation. Just 5 years ago I overheard a conversation in which two coaches agreed that one of the trainers was probobly gay. They didn't approve of his lifestyle or want him around their "boys" so they agreed to find another alternate but legitimate reason to fire him, and before long they did. I know that homosexuality isn't tolerated around here, even if its not a stated "problem".

Recently, I began to spend increasing amounts of time in gay.com.

This time, I was out to find a gay friend or two whom I could trust, and who I thought I would be able to develop into a close personal friend. The vast majority of people who claim to want to be friends either just want to find out who I am, or want to meet and then want sex. It's getting very old to meet someone for lunch as a friend and have then 5 minutes into the conversation ask me if I want to "go back to their place". The first person who allowed me to develop any sort of friendship with them was a college senior. We talked quite a bit, and had chatted online on and off for over a year. He was not someone who I really had a sexual interest in at first, and so he was a welcome "friend", or potential friend.

We had lunch, then dinner, then another lunch, then a couple more dinners, and suddenly he was using terms like 'boyfriend" and "dating". While scary at first, I realized that I had never before in my life dated anyone (male or female) and so this must really be what dating was. After a couple of weeks (without getting physical) it became obvious that we couldn't continue to have any sort of relationship without his circle of friends knowing about me (he was totally out), and we decided to call it all off.

Since that time, I've been trying fevorishly and without success to cultivate friendships and/or a relationship from those in my scanty chat room on gay.com. This (of course) has been futile, and has led to several unwelcome byproducts.

Firstly, I've endangered my closeted status. By spending so much time in the room, and by trying to open up to people without telling them who I am, I've piqued the curiosity of more than one person who has then attempted to figure out who I was (some successfully). Secondly, I've upset the very small community of gay chatters by railing on those asking me for sex (which used to be ok), and by asking over and over if there isn't anyone who is looking for real friendship.

I realize that gay.com isn't the place to look for a real friendship or relationship, but given my career and public image, I can't really show up in a gay bar around town, and because I am relatively well known (at least in my sport) from doing camps, I'm not even willing to show my face in a gay bar on the other side of the country. (I've been recognized in airports before in such varied cities as Philadelphia, Phoenix and Boston). If I were to go to a gay bar, it would only take one person recognizing me who decided to share that I was gay with others before I'd be outted and my impending crisis would become a reality.

I've started seeing a shrink. I've decided that the issues I have to work through are way bigger than me. I hope it will continue to do me some good. However, my desire to resolve this situation in one way or another, has caused my focus to change.

Now that school has started again, my boys see a difference. For the time being I am safe because they assume I am dating someone and ask me often who she is and when can they meet her. But it is starting to effect my coaching, and that scares me most of all.

Until I have a handle on who I am, my self image to a large degree is wrapped up in my on-field success, my recruiting success, and my "family atmosphere" I build with my team. If my struggle to come to grips with my sexual orientation undermines my efforts with my team, I'm afraid I'll be left with nothing.

Well that's enough rambling for now. I'll clarify things if I can, if needed, but I hope to get some good advice from this avenue for expression, and some related experiences which may help us all.

Thanks in advance -

Frustrated__Coach

[ June 20, 2006, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Frustrated__Coach ]