Closeted coach seeks advice Options

[Frustrated__Coach]

On the recommendation of Cyd Ziegler, I'm posting my current situation to the message board in the hopes of hearing some good advice and possibly some other coaches in similar situations who would be willing to share their perspective on an incredibly complex problem.

I am a head coach of a men's team sport at a major division one university. I am totally closeted, not married, totally gay and no one would guess. My boys are always trying to set me up on dates with women.

I am also from a very religious Southern Baptist background, and my family is belligerant towards homosexuality. In the mid 80's a cousin who came out of the closet was cut off from the family and later died of AIDS in California in 1988. I still attend church and Bible studies and struggle with reconciling my sexual preferences with my faith. I am becoming anti-religion (but not anti-faith or anti-God).

For the past 10 years I've visited AOL and then gay.com chat rooms when the "urge" hit me and satisfied my sexual 'needs'. I'm not proud of it, but it was what I did. Dealing with my sexuality in this manner actually helped me focus on my job and put my sexual orientation on the back burner because I only dealt with it when it was "hot" so to speak.

My career has been one of unmitigated success. My team is a nationally ranked power and I was named conference coach of the year last season. Additionally, I have not had a losing season since my first year coaching (and that at the high school level). At this relatively young age (low 30's), I have accomplished almost all the goals I could possibly hope to achieve in this field short of a national championship. I am seen as a good recruiter, and I have had offers from other colleges.

I enjoy my current position, as it is not too far from my family, but it is in the South, and the area is extremely conservative and is not gay-friendly.

This past year has seen a series of changes which have upset the balance in my life and have placed me in a crisis point from which I am not sure I will be able to escape in tact. Last November, I had a brush with cancer. I did not tell anyone (not even my family) until my first surgury, and the vast majority of my co-workers and players still do not know. I have shared my story with some players in order to relate to some struggle in their own life. I am now cancer free. However, this proverbial 'brush with death" caused me to reflect on my situation in life.

The image I saw reflected in that assessment wasn't one I liked. I saw a man who's self image was steadily declining because of his inability to come to grips with his sexuality, and who's life was wracked with the fear of being discovered and outted. I saw a man who was alone, and who increasingly isolated himself from friends and family because of his fears of setting off people's "gaydar". I saw a man who's serial one-night stands put at risk his health and career, and who's chances of love and a relationship were lessened by each "hook-up".

The central issue (which hasn't changed, by the way, it's always been the central issue, but it's been one I've put on the back burner) is that my family, my team, my university, and my career are not even remotely gay-friendly. I have been left with a few choices, none of which are easy.

1) Be gay, leave my career, family and region.
2) Be gay, stay in my career, and region, lose my family, and watch my team and career eroded by homophobia.
3) Be gay, stay in my career, change my region, and struggle to be some sort of gay poster child for gayness.
4) Be closeted, stay in my career, and continue to be successful, although ultimately alone and unhappy.
5) Hope the cancer returns soon, and die a young successful coach whom everyone remembers fondly.

Now while I only say number 5 half-jokingly, you have to understand that I am in a real situation. Just 5 years ago I overheard a conversation in which two coaches agreed that one of the trainers was probobly gay. They didn't approve of his lifestyle or want him around their "boys" so they agreed to find another alternate but legitimate reason to fire him, and before long they did. I know that homosexuality isn't tolerated around here, even if its not a stated "problem".

Recently, I began to spend increasing amounts of time in gay.com.

This time, I was out to find a gay friend or two whom I could trust, and who I thought I would be able to develop into a close personal friend. The vast majority of people who claim to want to be friends either just want to find out who I am, or want to meet and then want sex. It's getting very old to meet someone for lunch as a friend and have then 5 minutes into the conversation ask me if I want to "go back to their place". The first person who allowed me to develop any sort of friendship with them was a college senior. We talked quite a bit, and had chatted online on and off for over a year. He was not someone who I really had a sexual interest in at first, and so he was a welcome "friend", or potential friend.

We had lunch, then dinner, then another lunch, then a couple more dinners, and suddenly he was using terms like 'boyfriend" and "dating". While scary at first, I realized that I had never before in my life dated anyone (male or female) and so this must really be what dating was. After a couple of weeks (without getting physical) it became obvious that we couldn't continue to have any sort of relationship without his circle of friends knowing about me (he was totally out), and we decided to call it all off.

Since that time, I've been trying fevorishly and without success to cultivate friendships and/or a relationship from those in my scanty chat room on gay.com. This (of course) has been futile, and has led to several unwelcome byproducts.

Firstly, I've endangered my closeted status. By spending so much time in the room, and by trying to open up to people without telling them who I am, I've piqued the curiosity of more than one person who has then attempted to figure out who I was (some successfully). Secondly, I've upset the very small community of gay chatters by railing on those asking me for sex (which used to be ok), and by asking over and over if there isn't anyone who is looking for real friendship.

I realize that gay.com isn't the place to look for a real friendship or relationship, but given my career and public image, I can't really show up in a gay bar around town, and because I am relatively well known (at least in my sport) from doing camps, I'm not even willing to show my face in a gay bar on the other side of the country. (I've been recognized in airports before in such varied cities as Philadelphia, Phoenix and Boston). If I were to go to a gay bar, it would only take one person recognizing me who decided to share that I was gay with others before I'd be outted and my impending crisis would become a reality.

I've started seeing a shrink. I've decided that the issues I have to work through are way bigger than me. I hope it will continue to do me some good. However, my desire to resolve this situation in one way or another, has caused my focus to change.

Now that school has started again, my boys see a difference. For the time being I am safe because they assume I am dating someone and ask me often who she is and when can they meet her. But it is starting to effect my coaching, and that scares me most of all.

Until I have a handle on who I am, my self image to a large degree is wrapped up in my on-field success, my recruiting success, and my "family atmosphere" I build with my team. If my struggle to come to grips with my sexual orientation undermines my efforts with my team, I'm afraid I'll be left with nothing.

Well that's enough rambling for now. I'll clarify things if I can, if needed, but I hope to get some good advice from this avenue for expression, and some related experiences which may help us all.

Thanks in advance -

Frustrated__Coach

[ June 20, 2006, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Frustrated__Coach ]

[boomer400]

Wow. I don't envy your position.

The one thing I can think of is to move. It sounds like you could coach pretty much anywhere, and living in a more liberal area might open a few doors for you socially and let you reevaluate the decision to come out in a more inviting context.

I would also encourage you to stay away from gay.com...in my experience, no good has come out of those chat rooms. But maybe that's just me.

Good luck.

[jqueer]

Frustrated__Coach:
I've started seeing a shrink.   I've decided that the issues I have to work through are way bigger than me.  I hope it will continue to do me some good.  However, my desire to resolve this situation in one way or another, has caused my focus to change.

If you've got a good shrink, that is going to be your most useful tool in deciding what to do. If you've got a bad shrink, get a good shrink.

We're not in your situation or even terribly knowledgeable about it. Our advice is going to be as much about our ideas of what should happen in a social, or even political sense, than about what will be best for you.

That being said, it sounds like you want out of your situation. I think that means finding a different job in a different place. Talk to Cyd and Jim about athletic departments that would welcome a gay coach. If you ultimately choose to be open about your sexuality, you're going to lose elements of your family (it won't be as bad as you expect, but it won't be as good as you hope, either). Now is the time to find your family of choice to replace your family of origin. This has nothing to do with your sexuality. This is about the friends you keep. If you find a welcoming athletic department that doesn't care about who you date, they can easily become the support system your family is failing to provide.

Don't burst out of the closet. When you choose to be open about your sexuality, it doesn't mean you have to call a press conference. It probably means you have to take a couple of players aside and talk to them or have a meeting with the AD, particularly if you're dating. But it doesn't mean the world has to know imediately. Become comfortable with who you are before you invite the world to your party. You've kept your sport a secret. Obviously if you coach football or basketball, or even baseball at some schools, you're going to meet a whole different kind of hostility than if you coach a non-marquee sport (Just because I'm that kind of person, we can rule out track, I think, because you did specify "team" sport. Of course golf and tennis are out too).

As for online "dating," you might want to put your libido on hold for awhile. You probably have friends that, if you think about it, would be welcoming even knowing about your sexuality. Rely on these people. Find a place where you don't have to censor yourself or make comments that don't reflect your true feelings. These people exist, even in conservative Southern universities. Many schools have a network of professors and staffers that make their offices safe and comfortable places for gay students. If your school has such a network, seek out one of those professors and create a relationship. If nothing else, it will give you a person who isn't sitting behind a keyboard and a screen name to bounce your feelings off of. These kind of connections will do you more good in the long run than anything you can find at gay.com.

[sportinlife]

I've always thought admitting a problem is 90% of solving it. But that 10% is a stickler. You've obviously decided things have to change.

I thought the most encouraging statement you wrote was "I am becoming anti-religion (but not anti-faith or anti-God)." You'll need that. Trust your instincts and look within.

You'll get lots of advice, here and elsewhere, but you will have to make the decision alone with your "faith".

You are a good writer with a fascinating story. Thanks for sharing it. You should be able to share it with more people. That may be the key to solving your dilemma.

I'd like to believe that were I in your position I'd be gay, stay in my career and let the world take me or leave me as they see fit. That wasn't one of your options. Perhaps it could be.

Good luck Coach.

[Frank]

First and foremost, I wish you good luck and am keeping my fingers crossed for you. You are wrestling with alot of conflicts. But, you do need to have a support network of friends. Starting here might be a start. Granted, you might have some "gay.com" type predators who are just after sex, but your chances are better here on Outsports than in one of the "dating" sites. Another alternative is connexion.org. While there are plenty of superficial people there, it is has more of a community feeling since one of the major goals is to increase political involvement (non-partisan). When I started my coming out process, AOL was still relatively new and I was able to find a few friends there. Ten years later, and a group of my closest friends were either guys I met through AOL or indirectly through AOL members. Now that AOL is so large, I think that scenario is less likely. I hope I am not rambling here, but there are options for finding quality people that could develop into friendships. My best wishes to you in this journey. Eventually, you are going to see things in a better light.

[Joe in Philly]

I have to echo the gay.com comments. I don't think chat rooms like that are any good for someone in your situation. I think seeing a shrink is a good step, as jqueer said, as long as it's someone who isn't going to waste time trying to turn you straight.

In the end, you're the only one who can decide who you want to come out to, and when. It's not an easy decision so don't rush it. But let's look at these options you've spelled out:

1) Be gay, leave my career, family and region.
2) Be gay, stay in my career, and region, lose my family, and watch my team and career eroded by homophobia.
3) Be gay, stay in my career, change my region, and struggle to be some sort of gay poster child for gayness.
4) Be closeted, stay in my career, and continue to be successful, although ultimately alone and unhappy.

The only thing that's in your control is whether or not to be openly gay, and to some extent where you live (since that may be dictated in part by job opportunity). You can't control how your family, team, bosses, etc. will react. Some may surprise you. You can't control how your career will go. Don't take this the wrong way, but you might stay closeted and NOT continue to be successful. Key players get hurt, go into slumps, perhaps the stress of being closeted causes you to make some dumb coaching mistakes. Who knows? At any rate you have some losing years and the school decides new leadership is needed.

Even the definition of being "openly" gay is a matter of debate. We have had plenty of discussions here about whether a gay celebrity is considered "out" or not. There are some who are known to be gay to their family/friends/coworkers but not to the public at large. So the question is sort of "how gay do you want to be?" You could end up telling just a few people and not becoming a "gay poster child." You could tell the world in one press conference and then say "I will never discuss my private life again, so don't ask" and while you'd technically be made out to be a "gay poster child" you could then just live your life to your own standards -- you're not obligated to give interviews to gay publications or be grand marshal of the gay pride parade.

The best advice I can give, not being in a sports-related occupation or in the public eye, would be to continue to work things through with the shrink, and think about what is most important to you in life, and do what you feel is best. Don't let anyone make your decisions for you.

Oh, and keep reading Outsports for the forthcoming many excellent replies (and try to ignore those who will undoubtedly try and figure out your identity).

[canmark]

I'll echo some of the things mentioned above, but also disagree with some of them. I think you've written an excellent first post which shows that you've thought long and hard about this issue--as you should, as it involves your life, your well-being, and your future.

As sportinlife says, admitting the problem is 90% of the solution. And don't underestimate that. What you've done, and the steps you've made to reach out to others, to explore the 'community,' are big things.

I'm going to disagree with others on the gay.com thing. It's hard when you are in the closet to know what's out there... and better to go to chat rooms than be crusing the parks, say, as some closeted people are led to do. You may find that you make some friends through "chatting," or you may tire of that and move on to other things: Internet communities like Outsports.com (as you may have seen on this site, many of us on Outsports have met and count other Outsports members as our close friends), support groups, or whatever.

I have a couple of suggestions. One, try reading books (available through the Outsports store )such as Jocks/Jocks II (by Dan Woog), Trailblazing (by Eric "Gumby" Anderson), Dave Kopay's and Billy Bean's autobiography... as you may be able to take a lot out of lives of gay athletes and coaches profiled in those books.

You might want to try and contact Helen Carroll , director of the Homophobia in Sports program for the National Center for Lesbian Rights. She's been an NCAA Championship-winning coach and knows many other coaches and ADs and people within the collegiate athletic community, and may be able to offer advice, steer you towards mentors or towards college programs that may be more gay-friendly should you ultimately decide to change locales. Also, she's spoken at both Outsports conventions and will be very familiar and supportive of this site.

As for your list of choices,

3) Be gay, stay in my career, change my region, and struggle to be some sort of gay poster child for gayness.

#3 seems to be the best choice to me, BUT, don't feel that by being a gay coach means you have to "be some sort of gay poster child for gayness."

Being a gay coach just means being a coach who happens to be gay. There are people on this board who are gay coaches and teachers and lawyers and umpires and whatever. But don't feel you have to take the weight of the world on your shoulders when you come out as gay. Just be yourself. Because that's what's got you to where you are: a successful and talented and effective and popular college coach. Being gay is one aspect of your life, but remember that other people can't fully accept you until you can fully accept yourself. Good luck!

[Cattledog]

Since I am in a government field in which I can be pretty open, I really cannot comment on your coaching (and being gay) situation. All I can say is I that I empathize and can only imagine how difficult this situation is for you.

However, regarding your family, I might be able to relate better. Only a select number of friends on OutSports have been aware of the trauma that I endured upon coming out to my immediate family at age 22. I, too, come from a very conservative background. One would think being a Jewish man originally from New York, I would have parents and older brothers that were accepting of my situation. However, I dealt with a homophobic, constrictive type of environment regarding the family, instead. My parents, who have lived in Texas for a few decades now, were the example of the worst types of reactions. When I was finally realistically dealing with the personal acceptance of my sexual orientation upon my graduation from Texas A&M (a very conservative school), I moved in with my parents in Austin approximately 10 months after I graduated due to the tough job situation at the time. I had "the gay conversation" with my mother when I was living with them, and while I expected hugs, I only got pain. My mother threw things at me while my father called me "faggot" and kicked me out. I will still remember those words from my father: "You have always been a disappointment to me and you always will be a disappointment to me". I set things up to move in with some friends in Dallas until my mother intervened and made me promise to get help (you know, cure this homosexual problem). I stayed in Austin and did go to a therapist, as did my parents (separately). Do you know what the therapist told me? She said that I was dealing with things perfectly well, and that it was my parents that had the problem. Her recommendation to me was to go on with my life and, if necessary, move away (even though I loved Austin) when I was ready to stand on my own two feet. After about 11 tense months with my parents, I was indeed able to get a "real" job and eventually move to Houston. But, guess what? It still wasn't far enough. I have one brother in Houston and one in College Station, TX. My brothers disowned me. One brother (a "compassionate" doctor, nonetheless) told me to stay away from his children like I was child molester or something. He also predicted that I would get AIDS. We didn't speak for 3 years. My other brother didn't speak to me for a year. So, guess what happened after this? I moved back to the east coast and got away from the pain of my family. Things have slowly thawed over the years. My mother asks how my boyfriend is (although she only looks at him as a "good friend"). My father won't even acknowlege the name of any boyfriend that I have (and walks out of the room if my mother even attempts to mention his name). My conversations with my dad revolve around my job, the NY Yankees, NY Rangers, NY Knicks (I think you get the idea). My brothers are still ardent conservatives (and we only talk about once a year) and my nieces and nephews are only aware that I am that I am their nice, single uncle. I still send them birthday gifts because they shouldn't have to be penalized just because their fathers are ignorant. I make a quick 4-5 day trip to Austin once a year (paid by my father). The boyfriend is not welcome in the home, and will not accompany me (by my decision). I make sure that anyone that I date clearly understands that he will never meet my immediate family. Everything is very friendly when I speak to my family. In spite of everything, I love them and know that they love me. We just cannot live in the same area (city, state, geographic region of the United States). My father took me to a game at Yankee Stadium on Sep. 07, 2001. He was wonderful, and I realized that this was the only way he could show his love. Do I wish I could have told him about my personal life? Of course. But, a lot of people lost their lives four days later, and lot of children will never even know their fathers. At this point in my life, I must settle for whatever I can get from my family. It sure beats hating them and myself.

My point in telling you this stuff (and trust me, this is the abbreviated version) is to first of all let you know that you are not alone. Secondly, to point out what others have already suggested, which is to change your environment if you are not happy. With your successful athletic program and awards, I am sure that you are loved by your school. But I would also make sure that I floated my resume to a more accepting environment if I was unhappy. In other words, don't look at a school like my conservative alma mater at Texas A&M (although we could definitely use a good coach in just about any sport right now) wink . Finally, don't beat yourself up. I did it (and still sometimes continue to do so) for years. You have done NOTHING wrong for being born gay. God still loves you regardless what any persons (family, friends, clergy, co-workers, politicians, etc.) tell you. Also, don't expect there to be this great "family" of great gay support that we all hear about. I looked and looked and got nothing. In fact, I found my straight friends much more accepting than gay ones. But, those are my experiences with the gay scene and not necessarily the rule for everyone. If you can find a few gay people in life that are more interested in your friendship rather than going to bed with you, and can be supportive, then hold onto them. Only you can determine what is best for you. But, based on what you have said, some decision is going to have to be made or you are going to drive yourself crazy. With that said, I wish you all the best.

[shore]

Fascinating situation and story. Worrying about being 'out' is already beyond your control because your actions have already started to out you. You are already opening the doors which hid you for so long. People are already talking about you, and using the 'gay' word. Somehow, somewhere you have found a 'comfort zone' within your situation. You must continue to expand that zone, which you are doing by reaching out to a psychiatrist and by sharing your story here, for example.

But you seem pretty hard and negative on yourself. For example, your career options were just loaded with self-loathing and negativism. I believe that you get in life what you expect to get in life, by this I mean, if the only options you set for yourself are negative ones, those are the ones you are going to see. Find other options and work toward that goal instead.

As someone else suggested, come out slowly, no need to hold a press ocnference, no need to run to a bar. Just find your comfort zone, find someone who supports you through this and move slowly until you are comfortable with the steps.

I have friends who are small-town famous, and work for people who are big-town famous. No one likes to see their private lives in the papers, on the news, as gossip. They protect their privacy but sitll live their lives as who they are; I'm specifically thinking of a straight, married couple who saw their marital separation fodder for the newspaper gossip columns for months. They reconciled and went very private afterwards, just living their lives, adding no gasoline to the fire. Here in NYC, the family I work for do the same, very private but high profile, able to do as they please because they keep their private lives at home. So what I'm offering here, is maybe you need to find a way to separate the two, your coaching and your private life, until you can bring them in unison. I for one want to read later that you have found some friends who support you, whom you can have over for dinner, go out to movies, whatever, who might happen to be gay, who bring some relief to you situation and who are helping you move forward.

I think I've said enough.

[copman]

jqueer:
 

That being said, it sounds like you want out of your situation. I think that means finding a different job in a different place...Don't burst out of the closet. When you choose to be open about your sexuality, it doesn't mean you have to call a press conference... Become comfortable with who you are before you invite the world to your party... seek out one of those professors and create a relationship.

Excellent advice- you also (IMHO) need to seperate your personal life and your coaching. Don't put it on display- make a personal life & don't talk about it until you are comfortable with it. Your students don't have to know about your new life right away. Realize everyone doesn't spend all their life worrying about your life - they are worrying about their own.I guess what I am saying is - find a gay life you can be comfortable with & THEN you can let people know when you are comfortable with it. That's kind of how I did it.

[bballrob]

Powerful and moving post, F-coach. I really fear for you and wish you the best. You are right in searching out friends in the gay community, but gay.com is not the way to find friends, I have learned that the hard way. I also know how hard it is in the south, but I have also seen acceptance from people who I would have thought would have the opposite reaction. Here in the south is where the "Don't ask, don't tell" concept originated (damn Sam Nunn) and it works rather well for some people. Many of my friends are open in the gay community but just don't talk about their lives with their family. I lived that way myself for a while. For some it is just a step, for others it is a choice. So I agree with many posters, being "openly gay" is defined by you.

I would suggest that you find a gay community near you, and even though you don't think one exists you will be surprised to learn how big the community is even in Southern towns. The question is how to find this community. I too live in a southern town that is very conservative, anti-gay, and I initially thought there was no gay community. I was wrong. It is just harder to see because they live under the radar. Of course I made a decision to live completely openly, but I am one of the only gays in my town who has chosen that path.

So how do you find that community? I think you have started in the right place. There are many people who read this discussion board and are willing to help.

Your "options" concern me, especially #5. That suggests that you might be a danger to yourself. Please keep going to therapy, and do not get down about this. Most of us have gone through what you are now struggling with. We all know that the struggle makes you stronger, creates a better person who is more aware of him/herself. Know that you have people who will support you, whatever your decision, but it is your decision to make.

And to all discussion board readers, F-coach may have revealed a bit too much about himself, let's honor his wish to be anonymous at this point and not rush to google. We need to support him, not add to his worries.

Good luck, F-coach, we in the gay sports world will back you up and are here to help.

[HotlantaTarheel]

Frustrated Coach -- my sister has gone thru a similar situation that you are now in. She was the basketball coach of a Div.1 school as a closeted lesbian. Being out in a position like that is VERY difficult, especially when it comes to recruiting. But eventually she got to a point, as you will have to, where she had to decide what will make HER happy. Not her Southern Baptist family, but herself. She eventually left the coaching profession, moved away and settled in with her partner. Finding her true happiness was most important. She is now a high school teacher which has become as rewarding to her as coaching had been before.

And I guess thats a good point to think about. There are some things that will change -- you might not always be a college coach, or at least not at the same school, and you will probably move at least a few times in your life. And how your family treats you (or how you think they will treat you) will also change. However, I believe, you will always be gay. If you don't address that issue, you will always be unhappy and suffer thru a lot of regret and the endless psychological pressure of keeping your secret.

So I would suggest #3 in your list above. If you are a top notch coach, then take a position at a school that is more accepting. You might even find one within your curent region (UNC has a gay swim coach). That way you could be gay, maintain your profession and maybe even stay within your region. That only leaves your family to deal with, which is something you can't control anyway. And that is normal for anyone who comes out!! Good luck!

[scottie]

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Many of us have experienced it to one degree or another in the coming out process. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so please don't throw in the towel.

My one recommendation to you is something you are already doing - therapy. I can't tell what a difference it has made in my life, recently I've had some friends compliment how much I've changed (grown) which is one of the highest compliments someone could pay me. I think it can help everyone. Therapy can be incredibly difficult and painful at times, and boring at other times, but keep it up.

The Outsports community is fantastic. I've met some incredible people, so you can consider us your extended family.

Check your PM's.

Best of luck - you're in my thoughts.

[ September 29, 2004, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: scottie ]

[maxallen]

Coach, I'm glad you found Outsports, and maybe you can use this or another website besides gay.com to meet men with similar interests, who don't just want to get you in bed.

I hope you have some good friends, or even just one good friend who you can rely on. Preferrably someone outside of the athletic department, not related to your job. Straight friends are who many of us "come out" to first, when we don't know who else to tell. If there is no one, straight or gay, who you consider a friend in your current location, then look back to your college days, even high school days, and think of the friends that you're still in contact with today who you can trust to be open with. True friends who know and love you will realize that you're still "you", even after you come out, and will treat you no differently after knowing. Having just one friend in your life with whom you are open can be a huge weight lifted from your shoulders, and can be the first tiny step in "coming out" as much or as little as you want, and at your own pace.

In your career and position, your life is very different than mine, but when I was ready to come out in my late twenties, before gay.com, I came out to my straight friends and drinking buddies. I was in a small conservative town, and had no clue how to meet other gay people. From the time I first told someone, it was another 6 months before I met another gay person. My friends didn't treat me any differently, they just started trying to find a guy for me intead of a girl. I hope it can work as smoothly and seamlessly for you. Best wishes to you!

[Jorel]

Coach, welcome to OutSports and thank you for sharing your story. There has been a lot of good advice shared here so as you can tell, you are not alone.

The coming out process is different for everyone and I believe everyone should come out in their way and at their own time. Like others have mentioned, coming out doesn't necessarily mean making a huge announcement. First for me it means self-acceptance. Once that happens, the rest will come eventually. Second, I learned to understand that I can only control and be responsible for me. I cannot be responsible for how others will react. By coming out, you are being true to who you are. People who love you and care for you will do so unconditionally.
But again, it is not something you have control of. Lastly, I had to realize that peopole that may react negatively at first may come around later. In time, they realize that even though you've come out to them, you are still the same person they've come to know and love.

The first person I ever told was straight. He supported me unconditionally but was a little hurt that I kept it from him for so long. He couldn't understand why I couldn't be truthful with him. over time he came to understand how difficult coming out can be.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to post a response was to let you know that you are not alone, come out when you're ready, and you cannot be responsible for the way other people will take the news. The first steps are always the hardest but the rewards to being true to who you are absolutely worth it. Good luck, keep us posted and I hope to see you at OutSports more often.

[CPT_Doom]

Amazing post, Frustrated_Coach (and I had no idea cattledog!). I am extremely glad that you appear to be handling this transition relatively well, and that you eventually found Outsports.

Your description of yourself, particularly the way you were isolating yourself in order to maintain your secret. That was exactly what I was doing in my early 30s before I came out. Thankfully, I work in a very accepting industry, in a very accepting city and have a supportive family, so coming out has been a relative breeze.

I agree with the posts that you do not have to become a "poster child" for being gay if you come out, but clearly you will face some scrutiny, particularly if you stay in your current position.

I think I would be looking for a position, if not in a more accepting school, at least in a more accepting region (especially in a state with anti-discrimination protections for gay people), preferrably one close to a major city, where you might be able to live a semi-closeted life (e.g., out to some friends and co-workers, but not the national sports media). I don't think that's the healthiest way to live, but giving up a promising career should not have to be part of the alternative.

I strongly recommend you take canmark's advice and contact Helen Carroll. I assume she would be willing to speak with you, and maintain your confidentiality. She will have some of the best insight on possible athletic programs to target with your job hunt, if you decide to change regions.

The other advice I would have for finding gay friends (and yes, gay.com is a bad idea for finding friends) is to find a way to volunteer with a local charity that is gay-friendly (e.g., an AIDS outreach or food program), and would fit in with the image of a coach connected to his community. If you find the right one, you very well could openly be volunteering your time, meeting gay people who can give advice, or at least be role models, without actually coming out. Such a move might lead to suspicion, but you will be surprised at how many people won't assume you are gay until you tell them. Sometimes having people believe the negative gay stereotypes is the best way to hide.

I also urge you to continue visiting Outsports, and posting here; we are a pretty good bunch of folks. There are a couple of other sites you should try - religious tolerance.org and family acceptance.com - the latter link is from a very religious Southern family that found out their son was gay.

Good luck to you, and please keep us updated on your story.

[Ms. de Blazer]

Dear Coach,
Many others have made good suggestions. May I add one? I am not Christian but you apparently are, although understandably alienated from your church. But I do know there are gay Christian churches/organizations. I think if you go to the web site of Human Rights Campaign (www.hrc.org) or to Metropolitan Community Church you can find links. It seems to me that would be a better place for you to start finding friends than chat rooms or bars. And many would be from a similar background so would understand your situation.
I don't envy you as you are obviously in a high profile career situation so that your "coming out" would be news on ESPN. I can't tell you what to do about that; only you can decide. But I agree with those who say that another part of the country may be friendlier, if that's not too much of a sacrifice (only you can say that). Certainly your resume is such that other schools would eagerly recruit you to their staffs.
Best to you.

[MetsBoy]

Coach, thanks for sharing your story. I think you'll find a lot of support from the people who post to this board. They've already given some good advice, so I'll just add one thing. I'm a faculty member at a large university located in Tucson (but that's all I'll say), and there are almost always support networks for gay and lesbian faculty at major universities. Their situation won't be the same as yours, since most don't have the high profile that coaching brings you, but they will be people who understand your environment (both the school and the community) and may help give you some perspective on your situation. I believe you'd find someone willing to listen, and to respect your privacy, if you reach out in that direction.

And for what it's worth--best of luck to your team in your current or future season!

[kenmac]

Hi,

This is an amazing and extremely valuable discussion thread. For me it hits at the heart of the difficulties we have in fully participating in Society as a whole and the sporting world more specifically.

My first observation/piece of advice is to gain an awareness that you are not alone.

I have had a very similar experience to yours and in some cases I have been happy that I was not more successful. In my sport I was named as Coach of the Year in the very year that I decided to move to another city to live with my boyfriend at the time. My success had actually become a restrictive device that helped to plan my life for me - and that plan didn't include the possibility for anything but a trophy wife.

When you spend an inordinate amount of your life to become an expert at something and then begin to receive recognition for your achievements and experiences, it is easy to begin to think that those recognitions are starting to actually be directly related to who you are and how you fit into Society as well as determining your value to Society. Once those two concepts become welded together, there is no going back.

I was successful in breaking that weld and determining that my value was more how I felt about myself and the people that were truly important to me. Once I could evaluate that, it became easy to see that I was much more than my Coaching/athletic skills.

Sometimes I look at a person like Cher and see how she has this ability to just keep standing back up, dusting herself off and moving on to the next task.

If you can do that, I would highly recommend it. Get in touch with the people that have been identified in other posts that share a lot in common with you. Once you realize the options that are out there it may very well get easier. I know how hard it is to shift as a Coach due to relationships we form with our athletes, but just as athletes move on (graduate, age out or just leave the program) so do Coaches.

As for the Gay.com issue that we have seen - I feel that everyone that goes to those chat rooms has to take some responsibility for themselves. I have met some amazing people (Bballrob for one) through those chatrooms and would never want that avenue to be available to people. It is clear that many people go there for sex but it is your choice who you chat with and what you talk about.

In my experience the sex hounds do not have much sustainability in a conversation if they feel it is not going to result in something sexual. Just keep chatting and you will meet some really neat people. We are out there!!!

Lastly, to go back to the you are not alone theme, why not consider a trip to Chicago in 2006 for the Gay Games. That event has been a life changer for many people and I have no doubt that it would have a profound affect on you as well.

Let me know if you need more info about that event or if you simply want to chat.

I agree with Bballrob that we need to respect your privacy. That being said, I can tell you that it has been my experience that very few gay men are on a mission to out anyone. We have all been through the pain of living in this society and do not take our painful process lightly. Public outings have been more common for people that have been a public enemy to Gays and Lesbians - usually in the political arena.

Thanks for sharing your story and starting a most wonderful thread!!

Sincerely,

Ken

[Tom Brooks]

Coach, some good news for you in all this. The first guy I told is straight and he replied in the ensuing conversation that I would likely underestimate the goodwill most people had for gay people, or lack of badwill. That stood out in my mind because I couldn't believe it but it turned out to be true.

My large family is fearful, fundamentalist, and cruel. Even so, I thought they'd support me but didn't and I drifted from them. Being near them was unhealthy because I wasn't mature enough to be around them without feeling bad.

Suggestions:
* Rely on your historical friends first (probably straight) so you don't confuse friends with sex.
* Pace yourself slowly over the next 5 years.
* Don't pretend you like women or otherwise throw people off the trail of who you are. Ease into it.

This next 2 things were most important to me.
* Don't confuse some friends' reticence in talking about gay stuff as not approving of you. It will likely be they don't see it as a big issue or that aren't familiar with. Restrain your defensiveness.
* Assume people like you and you should act as if people want to know you. They will generally accept you more readily if you accept yourself--even if you have to bluff at first. People want to know you because of what you do and who you are.

Now chumpster, for asking me to tick a box, I'll take somewhere between options 2 and 3, option 2a. Option 2a is to keep your career, let the family drift if they are unhealthy for you, stay where you are or go elsewhere but see your career mature as you do. Just as valid as your options, mate.

[jqueer]

One other thing, keep in touch. You've obviously made an impact on this board. Keep us in mind periodically. We do care and do want to know what's happening in your life. That, and we love a good bit of gossip as much as the next guy. And if you do decide to hold that press conference, let Outsports break the story. We all want to be able to say, we heard it first.

[wade n atlanta]

Dear Coach,

First I would like to say welcome and you are not alone. I am not a coach but there are others out there without a doubt. Growing up in a strict religious family can cause you to have a sense of isolation. I see this all the time, especially in married men who put their trust in me. When I worked at a gym, I was openly gay and had very few problems in relationships with members because my sexuality did not play a role in me doing my job. By me being honest, and sincere, there were no swords to be held above my head. I'm not saying that you should do the same, but my life was much easier. That is also how I came to know about many married men at the club who would confide in me that they are gay and in a marriage that has only complicated their lives. Most had children which makes the situation even more complex. All of the men who married did so out of a sense of obligation to their families or churches. Most said, this is the way I learned it was supposed to be done. They respected me for being able to stand on my own convictions and not bend to peer/family/religious pressure. My recomendation is to try and find a few good friends that you can talk to, find a church that is more accepting of who you really are, and more than anything, go at your own pace! Only you will know when the time is right. Above all, to thine own self be true.

If you would like to talk with me, contact my e-mail through this website, and I'll call. I would like to talk to you.

Sincerely,

Wade

[J1780]

I think all the advice to Frustrated Coach has been sound, well thought out, and heartfelt. But am I the only one whose "crap detector" is going off?

[danimal]

CPT_Doom:
I strongly recommend you take canmark's advice and contact Helen Carroll. I assume she would be willing to speak with you, and maintain your confidentiality. She will have some of the best insight on possible athletic programs to target with your job hunt, if you decide to change regions.

I'll second that.

Tom Brooks:
Option 2a is to keep your career, let the family drift if they are unhealthy for you, stay where you are or go elsewhere but see your career mature as you do.  Just as valid as your options, mate.

And that.

And keep up the therapy. The only way others can accept you (and some never will, but you can't control that) is to accept yourself, and any reputable therapist will want to help you do that.

Anyway, welcome, coach.

Oh, and the only thing that makes my "crap detector" go off here is a post like J1780's. Watch out, or he'll throw his rattle at you.

[MiamiSpartan]

J1780:
I think all the advice to Frustrated Coach has been sound, well thought out, and heartfelt.  But am I the only one whose \"crap detector\" is going off?

It has crossed my mind....I PM'd him anyway, just in case it is real....

[Cyd at Outsports]

J1780:
I think all the advice to Frustrated Coach has been sound, well thought out, and heartfelt.  But am I the only one whose \"crap detector\" is going off?

I have spoken with him on the phone. If his story is fake, he deserves an Oscar.

[Chip]

Coach,
thanks very much for your note. I am glad you decided to talk to Cyd and then open up your feelings for the rest of us. I hope just speaking like you did has helped somewhat. I can vouch for the help of this board, you will find a strong community here that will only serve to be a source of comfort and support.
It sounds like you have done a lot of thinking and soul-searching, and it's a process that will continue throughout all your life. You are obviously open to some ideas and also comments from others (showing you are a good coach!) and your own investigations will only make you stronger.
Think about what people like canmark said...you are a coach who happens to be gay. And I also bet that if you are successful, winning is usually the benchmark that supporters of teams will use. Of course, your story about the ATC doesn't bode well, but imagine this: you leave, and when asked why, imagine if that story came out. It would be an interesting backlash for sure.
Regardless, you need to do what is right for you. You know as well as I do our kids pick up on things long before you think they do. You need your energy to coach and to do what you need to do for the school, so having an inner turmoil won't help when you have to make a decision about whether to offer a kid or not, or to call this play or that. You can only help others if you are helping yourself first.
Please continue to come back and just speak your mind. We're all here for you. Besides, all we care about is if you are winning. (or losing, if you are at the wrong school wink )
Seriously, you're off to a great start, IMHO.
Chip

[Frustrated__Coach]

Wow. I've posted in Gay.com, Yahoo, and in AOL, and I've never had more than one response, and in all cases that was days after my post. To check back tonight and see 24 responses was overwhelming, to be sure.

Thank you. While none of you has offered "the answer" to my problems, just knowing that there really are people out there who care truly is mind altering. Much of your advice has been absorbed, and all has been considered. Just the fact that so many have been willing to offer their angle on my situation has been so refreshing -- you cannot possibly know.

I didn't want to post too much (and sorta feel like I still posted a lot) because I didn't really think anyone would respond. But if it is ok I'd like to expound on a couple of the topics that were sort of raised in responses and questions so that you might perhaps better understand my situation. More than anything I'd like to hear from other coaches who are in or have been in similar situations. I am hoping that there is a support group out there, or that one could be started.

1) I have spoken to both Cyd Ziegler and to Dan Woog on the phone. I called Helen Carroll also (all these in the past two weeks), but she was busy at the time, and I've been busy since. I hope to touch base with her again soon, and pick her brain. (I wasn't going to drop names, but since all these names had already been mentioned, I will assume that is ok)

2) I could leave this university for another. I've put tentative feelers out, but fear of that fact getting back to my university has kept me from any serious search. Before I take that road I need to know exactly what I plan on doing and to be honest, I have no clue. I don't even know if I want to do anything - I only know that I feel like I'm drowning right now and there isn't any help in sight.

3) My shrink is very accepting and open. He was visably shocked when I told him I liked guys, which ironically made me feel good. it was reassuring to know that "I'm gay" isn't tattood on my forehead and that it isn't a figment of my imagination that I can hide this facet of my personality fairly well. Currently he has me doing one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. He wants me to date women so that I know for a fact I am gay, (as I've never dated women), and so that if I ever decide to come out to my family that I can say in a decisive manner that I've TRIED to be straight and it just isn't working. Approaching this task with an open mind is brutal, and the source of more stress than I need.

4) My religious background is something I both treasure and despise. I deeply value my personaly relationship with God, and don't rely on it as much as I know I should. I am breaking new ground with myself in discovering what I believe rather than what is doctrine. In hearing the words of Christ with my own ears rather than through Southern Baptist bias. I struggle most with the thought that I could be attempting to manipulate scripture to fit my lifestyle, thereby justifying my shortfalls and sins rather than accepting that Christ can meet me where I am. It is for that reason I'm deeply suspicious of churches who cater to homosexuals. For those who are not Christian, forgive the mini-sermon. For those who are, perhaps you can relate.

5) I thank all of you for offering support and advice, but I think all of you missed that part of my original post which stated most clearly where I am now and what worries/stresses me the most. If I can quote myself:

+++This is starting to effect my coaching, and that scares me most of all.
Until I have a handle on who I am, my self image to a large degree is wrapped up in my on-field success, my recruiting success, and my "family atmosphere" I build with my team. If my struggle to come to grips with my sexual orientation undermines my efforts with my team, I'm afraid I'll be left with nothing.+++
(not sure how you guys did the quoting bit, but this is my cut/paste version).

I guess the fact that I am finding myself preoccupied with sorting out my sexuality, my beliefs (religiously), my direction, my feelings, my immediate sexual needs, my lonliness, my need for cameraderie, and my "assignments" from my shrink -- have taken away from my focus on my players' development, my team, my practices, my intensity, and my motivation. There are days when I am unmistakably burnt out, and I can't help but worry over whether this is short term because of distractors, or the beginning of a new phase in my life. Above all, I recognize that I have allowed my self-worth to center around my career and my successes on the field and I worry that if my preoccupation with other things negatively impacts those aspects of who I am, that I will be left with nothing upon which to base my self-worth.

Over the years I've distanced myself from all my old friends, my family and my mentors. Mostly because of my career, but admittedly also because I found it easier to hide my homosexuality with distance (real or emotional). I'm left therefore with scant resources when it comes to a support structure emotionally, and that is what led to my desperate search on gay.com for friends who could relate to me and my sexual orientation struggle.

Thank you thank you thank you, for being a supporting and open group. I've said for over a year that the biggest lie in the world right now is that such a thing as a "gay community" exists, and I hope that you may be able to help me change my mind on that opinion. I know it dosn't exist in my town, but perhaps this can serve as a substitute.

Please, if there are others in my shoes currently or who have been in my shoes who can help me find direction and support, post and let me know. And if others have advice, know that it is deeply appreciated.

And by the way, having had so many attempt to out me on gay.com, it's a bit refreshing to see that there are people in here who actually doubt my validity -- it is a welcome reversal from worrying about those attempting to discover my identity and use it for their own amusement or gain.

Thanks also to Cyd for suggesting I post my situation in here. I waited nearly 3 weeks to do it - mostly out of skepticism that it would draw any meaningful input, but I've been proven wrong, and am actually happy (for once) to be wrong.

[Jim at Outsports]

Currently he has me doing one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. He wants me to date women so that I know for a fact I am gay.  

Uh, this does not sound like the kind of thing a quality therapist would suggest. If you told him you were straight, would he suggest you date guys just to make sure? What do other people, especially any professional therapists, think about this?

[SFDutch]

Currently he has me doing one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. He wants me to date women so that I know for a fact I am gay, (as I've never dated women)  

Coach, please consider changing therapists. The advice to date women, and his "visible shock" when you told him you're gay, are signs that he is not competent to deal with a gay client.

Trust yourself and your feelings. You know you're gay. There's no need to date women, ESPECIALLY when the reason is to prove something to your family. YOU and YOUR FEELINGS are what count, not pleasing your family.

Please look for an empathetic advisor who can help you direct your energies productively in dealing with your sexuality, rather than advise you to do something that you know is not right for you.

I say this because when I was in college, I went to a therapist who gave me the same advice you received. It delayed my coming out process by two years, and I regret the hurt feelings that resulted in the women I did date. Now, I'm just mad that he didn't tell me to date a few guys and see if that's what I really liked!

Good luck and thanks for sharing your story.