It's always real nice when you are outed at a family's holiday function.

That's what happened to me yesterday. Mom told a few that her son was gay, right in front of me. Total embarrassment.

Their response was "so what?", "where's your guy?".

They later took my mom aside and told her it was not right, what she did.

Don't you just love family gatherings during the holidays!

...Well the good thing nobody freaked out & were supportive. Plus they told your mom she was out of line. I think that you should focus on the positive that came out of the incident at this pt & not the negative. Take the good & run w/ it aaron! It'll be exhilarating.

Edit:

Also, do you think your mom did it for spiteful reasons or because she was a bit more in tune w/ how people were gonna respond & wanted to "push you along," so to speak? Moms are ALWAYS the most intuitive about their children & what's best for them! So...

Btw, what happened to your jh friend? Did you guys hook up?

Not yet SCTrojan. He's been down with H1N1.

We're still communicating, though. Just need to get together to catch up.

I told my sister about him. Her response was cool, just don't do anything in front of my kids. WTF ?!?

As usual, I agree entiely with SCTrojan. Did your mom have good or bad intentions in outing you? If she meant well, it's an entirely different situation, even if it was uncomfortable.

"Don't do anything in front of my kids"? OK, maybe not a blowjob, but I'm with you, Aaron71: WTF?

Keep us posted, OK?

Ooohhh I swear I love family! I remember way back when my sis had my niece (her 1st child). We're talking 22 years ago. She had been married for about 3 years or so. At any rate, my bro-in-law said to my sis (who then told mom, who then told me) that he really didn't want me around my niece cuz he thought I was gonna "touch" her. WTF!!! I was FUMING! Fuming I tell ya. My reaction to mom: Is that bastard crazy or something! Fast forward to 2009. I have one of the greatest relationships w/ my bro-in-law. All's been forgiven. I can even tease & ask him if he wants to dance w/ me @ family functions. He laughs but always says, "Sure any time."

Give your sis time. She'll learn that you're not some uncouth character. But if her kids are around when you have a love interest in their presence ALWAYS make sure to lock any private doors cuz kids have a "wonderful" knack to just barge in on people @ the most inopportune times. Last thing you need is for your sis to blame you guys for pushing your "lifestyle" on them.

...Perhaps you may want to have a serious conversation w/ her & remind her that you're not some person that doesn't understand boundaries around children. Hell, if I had children & any of my sis were doing stuff in front of them I'd be pissed too. You could sarcastically say to her "When I have children I would hope you'd respect the same boundaries w/ them as you expect from me w/ your children." That would make her think!

Family sometimes, sheesh!

Another thing. My sister thinks me being gay is a choice. "if that's what you choose, then I'm all for it" she says.

I had to interrupt and say it's not a choice.

I believe my mom had good intentions. It's not the first time she's done this. She just wants to get the ball rolling. Since I'm taking forever to come out to family and family friends.

Yikes!!! Definitely wait 'til you know for sure that he's fine. Keep us posted.



Glad you corrected your sis. You could have also responded, "The only choice I've made is being true to myself & living out my life as nature intended me to. I've been in the closet--& have suffered--too long!"

...So don't be mad @ mom! She meant no harm. If I could be frank, I think it was a good thing that she pushed you along. I think she prolly feels & sees your uncomfortableness w/ your sexuality & it's her way of saying, "Honey, don't worry. Everyone's gonna be ok w/ it." Plus more than anything, moms (& dads) ALWAYS want their children to be happy in life. She prolly sees through your inner conflicts & unhappiness. Just sayin...

First of all, congrats on coming out, Aaron. It is a tough task, probably one of the toughest a gay man faces. Eventually, you will find it was worth it, as you can direct energies toward living your life instead of trying to hide it. As for mom, well, time for me to be brutally blunt. She was way out of line. No, she was waaaaaaay out of line. There is a time and place for everything, and even though she is your mother, and even though she is hurting, she should not have placed her comfort level (with you being gay) ahead of your feelings, especially at an emotionally-charged event like Thanksgiving dinner. Was Jerry Springer in town or something? This almost sounds like an episode of Springer. I went though an equally horrifying event, as I came out between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and my aunt that hosted Christmas forbade me from entering her home and would not invite me, then turned the screws on my mom (her sister) saying she was invited to dinner, but I was not. It was a nasty situation pitting relative against relative, over something that affected none of them. It continued with the extended family, and turned into full-blown turmoil. It all happened over two decades ago, and everyone really has come around, but it is a very painful chapter in my life that I will always remember. I'm just glad you've found someone you care enough about that you want to share him with your loved ones, no matter what their reaction. I'd say you have the most to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, regardless of boorish behavior by your family! Welcome aboard, Aaron. I hope you have a gay old time!

Having been outed a few times by well-meaning friends, I can honestly say that it's one of the more awkward things that can happen. Obviously any time you come out to someone you do so knowing the risk that there is at least some chance that they tell others whether inadvertantly or deliberately. To be honest, when it happens I imediately panick and the first thought is to deny it. Luckily in all instances that this has happened so far the reaction has been positive and a few minutes has been all it took to cool off and discuss it like an adult. On the other hand, I would be lying if I claimed not to get some pleasure when the person who I was outed to turned around and called out my friend who had outed me -sorta a "damn right! you tell them how outa line they were" kinda thing.

At this point in regards to the family thing, I really have no worries as to the outcome if somethign similar were to happen. My mother is actually the most conservative, least accepting person in my extended family, so if she were to try something similar in a mean-spirited manner it would come off with a resounding shrug. Even then, I am sure she'll get over it.

Navigating family dynamics can be tricky at the best of times and the holidays tend to add an extra degree of stress to it. If your families are anything like mine, everyone gets along great when geographic distance is involved but bringing people together that, for whatever reason, feel they have a stake or at least a say in eachothers lives tends to make for some interesting and tense situations. Although I do feel a bit bad for taking off to PV over the holidays this year, I think the time apart might just be the best gift that I could give myself. My thought is that it's better to visit relatives indavidually then bring everyone together at once. That way you get more one-on one time, and you don't have to deal with conflicting personalities, etc.

You're getting a great deal of good feedback and support from others here, Aaron! And their stories, I'm sure, are helping others reading this thread.

Family dynamics is a hard nut to crack. Outing yourself or being outed at holiday or other big get-togethers can only add to the stress those events already produce. In my case, I preferred to out myself to my family and friends one at a time at times other than family or group events. Over conversations between me and a sibling, parent, or friend, I explained how when I discovered I was gay, I didn't want to accept it and fought hard to repress it and change myself. That led only to anger and affected other parts of my life. Finally, I accepted who I am, and as Millerbeach wrote of his experience, I was able to put that energy to more productive use. I only asked my family and friends to accept me for who I am, as I accept them. They did. I know my Mom would prefer if I were heterosexual, but her preference for me came from concern for how I am treated by a still all too homophobic society. In other words, her concern sprang from her love for me.

I cannot remember, if I have posted this before, but I am one of two gay sons in my family. When my older brother came out, he inspired me to accept who I am, yet he also, through no fault of his own, kept me in the closet longer. It was hard for my parents to accept his sexuality at first, but they eventually did. I remained in the closet longer than I wanted because I did not want to be the second gay son. My reluctance to come out, which grew from my desire to protect them from some perceived stigma, hurt my relationships with family members and friends even more.

Godspeed, Aaron, with your journey! All of us know that it's not an easy road we travel. And thank you, too, for the opportunity to talk about our own journeys.

Listen to these guys, Aaron! This is very smart advice and support from BBC, Dan, MBeach, and SCTro.

When I came out to my folks and sibs, I did so by letter, thus avoiding all of the potential drama that a live coming out might generate, and I wrote in each of them that I would make the announcements to the larger family and that this was my issue and information to control. Despite what some of my friends might say, I am not by nature a drama queen, and letters made the coming out less painful than it might have been. I'm sure that my parents freaked out when they read the letter, but hey, I wasn't there to see it, and explaining to them that I needed to have control over this important piece of personal information made life much easier for me.

Ah, family. Gotta love 'em. What else can you do with 'em?

Thanks guys. I sure have missed you all, after having internet problems. People just couldn't understand why I was having fits, not being online. Hell, I regard you all as family. So not being in touch with you was driving me crazy. Nothing major has happened within the week, as far as coming out goes.

I have spent a lot of time lately with my sister, using her computer. That's all I can do at this time, just show them, that I'm the same ol' Aaron. No threat to no one.

Congrats.

Coming out became such a headache to me that I went into the reverse direction and told everyone it was an elaborate joke. The end.

I wouldn't know. For the first time in my entire life I spent Thanksgiving alone.

I hesitate to ask, but why, CC, did you spend T-giving alone?

Why do you hesitate to ask, because maybe you expect me to go into some "Woe's me" story? Nope. To answer your question: my sister-in-law invited my parents to join my brother and his family out of state. She did not invite me. So, that family up here joined the rest of the family down there (except for me). After all, who'd want a gay uncle at Thanksgiving dinner?



I did not "officially" come out to the family, but they know. Since then, things are not the same. I spent Thanksgiving alone; I'll spend Christmas alone. So to those who say come out to the family, I can just say: shut the f--- up. It doesn't work for everyone.



Coming out isn't necessarily the burden lifter or liberating thing everyone purports to believe.



Anyway, as I said, this isn't a pity me story. It happened; it's over; that's that.

I'm sure I speak for many when I say how sorry i am to hear this sotry, Crew Chief. Ultimately, the loss is theirs. If you can take any comfort from that, do so.

If the idea of Christmas alone is sounding bleak, then I'd suggest choosing your own family. Think about who you'd like to spend time with on Christmas, and remember that they don't have to be related by blood.

I lived overseas for a couple of years and could never afford to fly home for holidays, so I seriously had to rethink them. Turns out that some of the happiest Christmases I've had didn't involve anybody I was actually related to. I hope that turns out to be your story too.

I never go home for Thanksgiving because I don't make enough money to do Christmas and Thanksgiving back to back. Last year I volunteered at an LGBT senior center and this year I went to an extraordinary potluck held by some cool gay friends (who I met on Halloween mind you). So to me, if you are alone, it's a choice. There are plenty of lonely elderly people in the world. Homeless teens. Etc.

Anyway, as for the risks of coming out, family can abandon you or burn bridges with you if you marry someone who is not of your faith, the wrong color, a different economic status, or country of origin. You could fall out over money after a funeral and someone contests the will. I have witnessed all of these events in the family of friends and in my own family. At the end of the day coming out just like marrying a Jew when you are Catholic, is about living your life for you instead of someone else's expectations for you. Congrats to all!

Just because YOU were able to be with someone on Thanksgiving and I was not does not mean it was my "choice." Do you really think I woke up on Thanksgiving, THE most traditional, family-oriented holiday, and said to myself, "Gee, I think I'd prefer to be alone today." Hell no.

It was not my choice one bit. It happened; I lived; I'm not crying about it or asking for pity. Did I like it? No. Did I enjoy the day? No. Was there anything I could have done about it? No.

But I survived.

Good to see you back CC and that your tiara is still on.

If you haven't come out to your family you are assuming that they just know. That may well be true but there may well be other reasons for not inviting you.......just like you assumed you were dropped as a ref for being gay but then it turned out they just didnt like your calls.

I never wore a tiara. Those things are uncomfortable.

They know not because I sat them down and "officially" told them; rather, it just popped out, with my mother making the first comments. As far as assuming, well, when you have a father who still uses the word "fag" in a manner not meant as complimentary, well...you do the math.

But that's not the point. Even if that wasn't the reason, and I'm willing to bet it's not, the fact remains that I wasn't with family on Thanksgiving. No big deal. I just stated a simple comment above.

Not sure if this belongs here or if I should start another thread.

I asked my friend out to lunch, yesterday. Remember... He and I came out to each other, just recently.

He can't leave the office but said I was free to stop by. I'm so nervous. Thursday will be the day. I hope I don't chicken out.

Hey Aaron,

Way to be bro! It's all about the process!

Just do it, Aaron! This is good news! I know you have a pair, now, just use them!

Can't wait to hear about the lunch, Aaron! Just have fun!

It's terrible that people are shunned and ostracized by their blood family, when they come out of the closet, or as Jay wrote, for other reasons. And I am truly sorry for them. But, as adults, we can choose our friends, make our own families, and decide whom to associate with. There is no need to wallow in self-pity. There are plenty of people worse off than we are. We can choose to be alone, to make friends, or we can choose to go out and make a difference! Feeling sorry for yourself or whining for sympathy accomplishes nothing! No one wants to hear how someone has pissed in your coffee every day! They begin to think that you're pissing in it yourself!

BBC, you'll notice in my comments about being alone on Thanksgiving that I specifically stated I was not and am not seeking pity. I'm not whining or crying, either. It is what it is, and that's that.

I forgot to say this Aaron...just try and remain calm and take it light. I tend to over think especially when it's a guy that I really like. And if you do end up hooking up, don't kick your heels, smile too hard, or say "I've been in love with you since the day I met you". That'll probably scare him. Raising your eyebrows with a smirk works well. Try practicing that in the mirror until it looks natural. Go get 'em!

I had a great time visiting with my friend, of yesteryear. We spent 5 hours catching on old times and what's new. He may be older but he's still the same guy I knew from years ago.

I'm glad I took the step to meeting up with him. Next time, we'll meet for drinks at a mutual location.

I was a bit discouraged to learn that no one knows he's gay. I was really hoping he was out, so he could show me some "ropes".

Sounds like you're the one who needs to show him the ropes.

Give me a call, Aaron. I'd be happy to show you both a lot more than the ropes! (hee-hee) Play safe & have fun...you are embarking upon a new and exciting chapter in your life!

]Aaron, Sweetie,
I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings regarding etiquette, but as Tim Tebow reminded me in the steamroom the other night, "NO ROPES ON THE FIRST DATE!"

One must take one's time in matters of the heart.

A solicitous SFDutch

Glad to hear that you had a good time, Aaron! Maybe you can help your friend be more open about himself. As for the ropes, I can teach you how to lasso, if you want!!

I'm falling for my friend. We've only kept in touch through texts and IMs. We've got the flirting, one liners going. He's surprising me every day, getting to know him.

What's the next step? Beside calling him and asking him out. Should I just keep getting to know him?

Yes to all three. Call him. Ask him. Continue to get to know him. In no particular order.

And have some fun with it. Dating is supposed to be enjoyable. I tended to forget that.

Ummm, if there's mutual attraction like you say there is then one next step would be spending the night together @ his place or yours &/or eventually a romantic weekend getaway....Or @ least that would be my next step. Good luck.

Go get 'im, Aaron!

Have fun! Enjoy yourselves!!

I say slob the knob, but that is usually my answer to everything involving men. You'll know when it's time. I'm thrilled for you...young (and new) love is so tasty! There is not a drug on this planet that matches the high.

My friend told me he would never come out. So I'm a tad discouraged but still excited about getting to know him more. And hopefully breaking him out of his shell. He says it's because of his kids. But his kids won't be kids forever., right?

How can someone be so blatantly sexual but completely in the closet? I don't get it but like I said I still want to be there for him.

Some guys, especially those of us with kids, are more discreet than others. It's good you know his position in advance. I would caution against hoping that he will change his mind, at least while his kids are minors.

Coming out, of course, is a never-ending process. Most people react matter-of-factly, some with curiosity, some with enthusiasm, but when visiting family in Virginia, I've found that the typical reaction to "I'm gay" has been speechlessness followed by confused muttering.

Partly it's the word itself which seems to be loaded with preconceptions/ pre-judgements for many such people -- "gay" sort of hangs there in the air, like a fart. Next time the situation arises, I'm going to try responding along the lines of "I date guys" and see if it's less unsettling for the poor things. That, plus keep talking...

You have to keep in mind that it took some time for you to come to terms with being gay, so you have to accept that it may take some of the people around time to come to terms with it as well. Coming out is a never ending process, each new person who comes into your life, each new job you take on or new city you move to starts the process all over again.

Oh, please. It's 2010. We're on tv. Time to get hip.

Some people don't want to come out. I've learned that here recently. And it may have ruined any chance I could have had with a guy.

Oh, you are so right, swiminbuff!

I went to my 25th college reunion this past weekend. I had accepted my sexuality in college, but did not come out until some time later. There were two or three very close friends whom I have seen over the years, but not in some time. After telling them that I was gay, their reactions were just as I imagined. They didn't care one iota. They stilled cared for me.

There was only one snide comment made to me. At a cocktail party, a woman, whom I hadn't seen since college and hadn't thought of since then, related the death of a classmate of AIDS-related complications to me in the course of a conversation. "Of course, you knew him," she said to me. She then went on to say her son was friends with the classmate's nephew whose mother named him after her late brother. I hadn't known him. It was as if there was a secret handshake or Members' Book amongst gays. I responded accordingly, adding how sad his death was and what a tribute it was to the memory of the classmate and his sister's love for him that she named her son after him. I then turned and walked away.

As I've experienced over and over, for those closest to me, it's not a big deal. For parents, the reaction of acceptance may also be accompanied by a mourning process for expectations they might have had for their child. For those who don't accept me as a gay man, I have to ask if the relationship was that strong to begin with, and whether the person was really worth knowing.

What a witch!

We often hear about the anxiety of people worrying about coming out to their families but rarely do we hear about parents reactiosn and dealing with the news.
This website ANOTETOMYKID has letters parents have posted on line where they write about their kids coming out to them. The letters are quite touching.

http://www.anotetomykid.com/

The one to DJ nearly had me in tears.

I would honestly like to know what my parents would write. This may sound spoiled but I hoped for some sort of reaction from them even if it were negative. My parents pretty much had no reaction. It was essentially a raised eyebrow, a shrug and then back to business as usual.

My family is fairly emotionally distant/stoic and their acceptance means a lot, but id have liked to know how they felt about it, or for them to ask me how I was. I know it's not truly the case but at some level it just sometimes feels like they don't give a shit.

I'll trade places with ya, Dan. You can have all my high-drama...LOL

Wait what? o.O

My "coming out" was beyond retarded. It's the epitome of retardation, and I say that without offense to people with mental deficiencies or most of my political party-R.