So I figured out the guys name, and will probably be out in a big group together again this weekend. My friends sister doesn't think he's gay, but said she wasn't 100% sure. Apparently he has recently recovered from some pretty serious health problems and wasn't really dating while he had them (we're talking health problems since highschool). If I can avoid making an ass of myself this time and maybe talk a bit...

Treat it as if you are going out with long-time friends, Dan. Be yourself. Though he may not be gay, he could turn out to be a good friend.

Have fun! And remember, you have a great deal to offer!

& wear some HAWT & irresistible stitches. &--of course--look good!

A old classmate of mine wants me to go party with him at the Depeche Mode concert. Yes, I had the hots for him back in the day. He's married with kids, these days. He's always telling me he'd wished we'd hung out back in the day. That I'm a real cool person. I'm thinking of going. I definitely need more guy friends in my life. I just hate the prying questions that may come.

See my post on the MySpace & Facebook thread.

I'm crazy about my straight coworker. No one turns me on like him. I love when he touches me ~ especially when he grabs my arm. I get a little jealous he's banging all these women. I wish it were me he was banging.

I also wonder if I'd feel the same way if he were gay. I just don't find myself attracted to most gay men.

I can honestly say that in my 45 years of life I've had impure thoughts about only one of my straight friends. His name was Hector and I met when we were both in our late 20s. Some friends and I used to have tennis party nights at a local public park every weekend. One night we were playing doubles when this little white truck drives up and parks right next to the courts. I didn't recognize the truck but one of my friends did. He said it was his friend Hector.
Anyway, Hector gets out of his truck and I'm like "Daaaam!!!" OMG, he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen! He looked every bit the Spaniard he claimed to be. Tall, jet black curly hair, dark eyes, milky white skin, neatly trimmed mustache, big, hairy chest and a luscious beefy butt. And, man, I thought I had nice legs, but they were sticks compared to his thick, muscular trunks. To this day, his are the sexiest legs I have seen on a man.
My friend introuduced me to him and we hit for a bit. I tried not drooling or making it seem too obvious that I was checking him out, because I wasn't out at the time.
He and I became good friends and started hanging out. I thought I picked up a gay vibe from him, but it probably was just wishful thinking on my part because he had a girfriend at the time (as did I). Actually, he was quite the ladies' man and had kids all over town.
But just some of the things he did made me wonder. He'd be over at my apartment and would sit on my bed with me (fully clothed, of course) as we chatted. My other straight friends would rather stand for an hour than sit on the same bed with another guy.
Whenever we went to the movies, my guy friends would make sure to sit one seat away from me so that people wouldn't think we were gay. But not Hector. He always sat next to me.
I used to come home for lunch somedays and Hector would drop by unexpectedly. These visits were really weird. He would just sit there most of the time and just stare at me eat. It was as if he wanted desperately to tell me something.
Other times he would drive me to his favorite remote spots where he liked to get away. Again, I would sit there in silence for what seemed like hours as he just stared at me.
I don't know if he was reaching out to me and I was just too clueless to pick up on it.
Anyway, nothing ever happened between us - and we lost touch. I wonder what happened to him.

My coworker wanted me to go out with him and his girlfriend, for his birthday celebration this past weekend.

He said his girlfriend could get me lots of girls - rich girls - to hang out with.

He's also questioned why I don't have a girlfriend.

*gulp*

Aaron71,

Okay. To keep this soap opera thread going, I'll bite... So how did you respond to your coworker who asked you why you didn't have a girlfriend?

I told him I have issues. For one, not as good looking as him.

aaron, one day you'll be comfortable enough in your skin where you'll be able to be honest 'bout your sexuality when confronted w/ such question(s). My guess that day is coming soon.

I had a funny thing happen to me in that regard...at the Miller Beach Farmer's Market, and one of the organizers, a delightful lady, offered to "fix me up" with some nice girl. I politely declined, stating I'm quite happy single. Not completely honest, but it avoided a situation. I just wonder how she might have responded had I just said I was gay. A few days later, I reconnected with someone from my past (about 20 years ago), I thought he was straight, but he had come out. He is divorced, has two kids, but now is out, and he wondered when I will be "completely out". I asked him what he meant. He said I am not completely out. I said I don't exactly walk into a room, say my name, then state my sexuality. After all, I never see anyone saying, "Hi, my name is Dan, and I'm a heterosexual". I explained to him it is on a "need to know" basis. I guess, according to my bud, I am not completely out, but I'm fine with it. He seemed to imply that I am some sort of traitor to the "gay cause" if I do not wear my sexuality on my sleeve. My whole family and everyone at work knows I'm gay, but it's not exactly like I'm flaming away. Most, if not everyone, is surprised whenever I have stated my sexual preferences. I just wonder why some think you need to advertise your sexuality in order to be "completely out".

I tend to agree with you. I live my life as an openly gay man (family, friends, work) but in each new situation I dont feel an immediate need to make the announcement. Coming out is something we all do over and over during our life but there are many many occassions during our lives when is just isnt necessary (like your shopping example). I dont feel the need to wear a pink triangle on my tshirt, but I also dont feel the need to hide who I am. Thats just a waste of time & energy.
I am not sure what your friend meant about not being completely out, but maybe he is new to being out and still feels the needs to go about announcing who he is.

You can be completely out and not be "flaming". Frankly, your use of that word and how people are "surprised" when you tell them you are gay says alot about your lack of comfort/acceptance.

I use the word "flaming" to express a concept or an idea. It is my perception that people are "surprised" when they learn I am gay. It must be the shocked look on their faces. It has nothing to do with how comfortable I am with my sexuality. Frankly, I find it offensive that someone would jump to such a conclusion about me after the use of only two words.

Dude, the conclusion was reached after reading all your posts here. You used the word 'flaming' to say you don't look gay. The reality is you DO look gay. You are gay therefore whatever your look/manner/style/attitude is gay.

Dude, I get what Miller was saying. I get the same looks and thoughts when I tell people I'm gay. No offense to anyone.

There is really no disagreement here. MB says that he defies a stereotype. And TC argues that stereotypes are nonsensical.

MB, you are completely out. And your answer to that Market vendor was fine. Take it as a compliment that the woman thought you were such a nice guy that she wanted to match you up. There is no need to discuss your business with acquaintances.

Thanks, BigBlue. I still wonder how TC knows how I look? Oh well.

Another episode of my soap opera.

My coworker told a customer that I act scared, when he suggests he could fix me up.

What the frack do I do now? Continue to act scared?

I also went out with another friend and his wife. It was loud at the club, so whenever he talked to me, he'd lean in real close to my ear. I just wanted to turn my head and suck face with him. I was so turned on wiht him talking in my ear.

Just thank your lucky stars that he prolly doesn't have a gaydar cuz otherwise you'd be in deep, out of the closet, shyte!

Honestly tho, I have a feeling that people who are around you (whether @ work or socially) just may be figuring things out. Not to scare you or anything. Perhaps now is the time to come out to your coworker. Unless your coworker is a dumb f**k, "acting scared" may be translated as: "He's gotta be gay, but I'm ok w/ it." At least that's my take on it. Perhaps others here think otherwise.

Edit:

Oh, & btw, be careful 'bout wanting to suck face w/ him when you're out drinking & all. Cuz the last thing you need is a thrown punch. Yikes!

What are you waiting for, Aaron? Do you plan on living your entire life closeted?

I could lose my job if I came out to my coworker or bosses. My bosses are of a different mindset. Am I wrong for working with such homophobes?

I've gone this far, Boomer. What's another 37 years?

I'll tell you what works here.

You push people away. Seriously. You keep the co-workers at a distance, don't discuss you personal life and if you end up in a situation that you absolutely have to, you play your single status off as being the result of some messy stuff in the past. Just say you are casually dating, you really hate blind dates and fix ups and imply that it's really none of their f**king business. Eating at your desk and taking very limited breaks helps here because it limits your non-work related interactions.

If you do have to be fixed up, there are more than enough ways of sabotaging a date before it even gets to the point of any question about sex or sexuality.

In the long run a few might ask questions, but to be perfectly honest the general practice in the workplace is straight until PROVEN otherwise.

The caveat to this is you will hate yourself as a person, you'll find yourself all but alone, and some people at your work will actively dislike you. As you continue down this path it'll get to the point where you actually become the act that you are trying to play and sort of shutdown emotionally.

That or you evaluate whether your current job is that good and that important to you that you absolutely can't afford a change at the moment.

It sounds like your coworker already knows that something's up. When people see a nice, approachable, single man reach age 37 and never express any interest in women, they can put two and two together. And frankly, I'm surprised you are asking the people on this board how to pass as straight. If decades of active experience as a closeted person haven't trained you to make that situation work, I don't know what advice we could give you that would help.

Well said, Dan. I just wish it weren't so true.

I'm not trying to be a jerk. But to answer the above question, honestly: "Another 37 years of misery!"...

Sorry to say aaron. You wanna be happy? Then it's time to be who you are, especially to those around you...Just sayin...

It's not genuinely miserable all of the time is the problem... that's what's so enticing about the act. At times it's even fairly self-satisfying - the knowing that you were good enough to get away with it and have all the people at the office like the fake you. And to an extent we all fake things at the office. The Friends episode where Monica meets Chandlers work-friends comes to mind. The main difference is the knowledge that your lie is more significant than others', that you've actually become close to some of the fake-friends and are scared to lose them (assuming you haven't distanced yourself from them as per my last post), and that your lie isolates you from the rest of the office in the long run, rather than bringing you closer to them.

It's really easy to get caught into thinking that things aren't so bad the way they are, as you slowly become more miserable and more distanced. Kind of like the frog in the kettle.

I would also be a bit remiss if I were to say I totally lived by my own advice. It's a process, and I'm slowly getting there. Last year still Rowing Varsity I wasn't willing to be totally out - I told a few team-mates that I really trusted in confidence. There's to ways to go about it. One is to rip the bandaid off quickly and let the world know... the other way, the way I see it, is to start ripping the band-aid off slowly till it gets so excruciating that you just go for it. I would say I have tended toward option two here.

Basically at this point, the office is mainly the last frontier. I have told those at the office who have specifically asked me about dating or girlfriends... the others not so much. This resulted from the fact that it had just become to draining to constantly make up lies. What I find absolutely astounding is the extent to which those I have told have taken the information as confidential. I made no such request when telling them, and TBH part of me wish they would go just blab it around, but at the same time I guess it shows a level of respect.

SCT, he said that in regards to the workplace. I could certainly understand his heistation to coming out at work. Losing a job has a way of getting in the way of paying rent, among other things. I'm out at work, have been for years, and I work in a major metropolitan area...Chicago. I'm still amazed at some of the idiotic comments made by co-workers, even in this day and age of alleged "enlightenment". I wonder how my career path may have differed had I never come out at work, but it doesn't really matter, as I would have been miserable hiding such an aspect about myself. It's a tough call, and I am sure each situation is different. But I do agree that 37 years is a mightly long time to be miserable, even if the comment was made in jest.

Good pts Dan & mb!

Whenever anyone wants to fix you up, you just say "I don't do fix-ups. I get my dates on my own." Nothing more. Coworkers don't have to know any more than that. If they keep asking about your personal life, you tell them politely not to waste their time asking questions: "If there's any news important enough, I'll tell you."



If you're going to obsess over straight men -- particularly if they're married or in a serious relationship -- you'd better make sure you exercise self-control (and don't be drunk). You'd be better off trying to hang with more gay people if possible. If you need to move closer to a large city to do that, find a way to make the move.

I'll give you one:

When the check comes, offer to split it with her. Better yet, whip out your calculator and itemize everything out to the last penny. Generally speaking, even women who are otherwise the biggest feminists still expect the man to at least offer to pay the entire check.

Sure, she'll talk about you to all her friends and you'll be branded a cheapskate, but you probably won't have to worry about things progressing any further since there likely won't be a second date!

You all have given me lots to think about. Thanks.

If it ends up that this guy doesn't stick around at work, and we keep in touch, I may tell him.

At my place of employment, there's lots of turn around. He's not my first crush, probably won't be my last.

I quickly change the subject when it comes to me going out with women.

I'm not going to risk losing my job over this. I've gone 12 years without any one knowing. Believe me I know how they feel about gays.

The way this industry is headed, I don't see myself working here very long. My bosses are getting up in age too. And have hinted at closing up shop. Maybe that's my out to pursue something I love doing. And being free to do what I love. And who says being out to everyone should be the norm?

I'm happy being out to my closest friends and family members.

My first job out of college was at an auto parts warehouse. In the warehouse district of what was then known as the "hate state". Fifteen years ago.

I still came out there.

I didn't have to put up rainbow bunting around my desk or wear short shorts. But when the subject of dating came up, I admitted I was having some issues with my boyfriend living about an hour away. There may have been some shocked people, but they took it in stride.

My theory is that if you confront most homophobes (as some/many of my co-workers may have been) with the fact that somebody they already know is gay, and they realize it's still "the same ol' Lex", that's the best way to confront their beliefs. Did I get razzed for being gay? Sure, but the same way JR got razzed for being old and Milo got razzed for being short. It wasn't mean and spiteful - it was generic, friendly teasing. I took it in stride, and everything was cool.

I'm not saying you HAVE to come out. But don't think it's impossible.

Also, yeah, stop mooning over the straight guys. Lusting after the unobtainable is a really good way to force yourself into inaction. "Gee, I'd love to hook up with a guy, but hey, I can't. Oh well." Get out there and find some guys who actually ARE interested in you. Attraction is a hell of a lot more interesting when it's returned.

LXN

As some folks here know, I was out working in law enforcement. No, I never announced I was gay to anyone but never lied about it either. Believe me, it absolutely sucked (no pun intended) at times. At a Christmas party they gave me a video of 'Deliverance'. Still, l would never live a false life and I made a difference in alot of people's attitudes there.

About as close as I'm getting to my straight guy is spraying OFF on his back.

Oh, you mean the bug spray! At first, I thought it was some new sexual act which I did not know about!

LOL!!

I've been giving my straight coworker a ride to and from work. Yesterday, I gave him some good compliments. It's so hard not to pull over and grab his stick shift.

What was his response?

...I'm sure he now has some inkling that you're gay, which is ok as long as he doesn't have a problem w/ it especially since you're giving him rides to & from work. Remember tho, self restraint is important! Now of course, if one day you guys are off work & out drinking & HE makes a move then that's different. But don't get your hopes up cuz more than likely he simply likes your company & nothing more.

I just told him he has a way with women because he's charming and has a way with words. Unlike myself, that couldn't talk my way out of a paper bag. He also told me that his girlfriend thinks it's sexy when a guy takes care of his kids. I agreed and say it is.

BTW, my friend last night was volunteering at TX Children's Hospital - spending time with the terminal kids. It surprised me that he was doing this. But also found it very endearing.

Yes VERY endearing indeed! He sounds like a keeper!

Now Aaron, don't sell yourself short! You too can communicate...you've been doing a fine job on this board. It is no different with a man, face-to-face, you just don't have as many wires! You've been communicating with a lot of hot men for a long time now...you are a pro! I'd say make a grab for his "disco stick", but only you know the level at which you two are at, not me. Let it simmer a little while longer...something is bound to "pop up" eventually!

Aaron you had better be careful, you are skating on thin ice!!

Except for his being straight and having a girlfriend.

When I quickly read his post I assumed aaron was talking 'bout his "friend" not his straight friend.

My gay friend was volunteering. My straight coworker was not. Sorry for any confusion.

Ok I thought so. Definitely a keeper!!!!

I will chill out. Thanks for your concern, Ed. It's very much appreciated.

Just a quick word of advice, try not to focus too much on the straight and unattainable dude, it could lead you to think differently of your gay friend. I used to do it all of the time, focusing on the hot skater who I smoked weed with and shared emotional intimacy and dreaming about possibly being together rather than the gay dudes who were actually interested and working down at the local library.

I think when just coming out the idea of putting in work can be scary and the alternative "what if" with a dude you'll never be with seems like an easier path. Honestly, I did hook up with a few of the straight guys, but none of them ever became a boyfriend and a few who I didn't hook up with still stop talking to me because the idea of hooking up was in the air and we stopped being friends. I know the chase is fun and what better chase than convincing a dude to explore with you because "a hole is just a hole", but my vote is for the gay dude who volunteers with kids. Wow. Yes. Definitely!