Sorry for using this board as my personal blog, but I think writing this out might help me sort out my own thoughts a bit. Advice would also be appreciated.

Lately I've sorta been going off the deep end. I am keeping up with work fine but everything else seems to be spiraling out of control. Emotionally I have been all over the place and I really feel completely ungrounded and my reaction to this has been pretty poor if I'm going to be honest.

Essentially I haven't been getting sleep, I've been looking for every excuse to party, and I can't seem to feel any motivation to do anything except get f**ked up and find some random twink to take home. Essentially I've been working for a paycheque to fuel the next night out.

Drinking and drugs have also become a big problem. I would toss around the term functional alcoholic, but when my entire recreation outside of the occasional trip to the gym consists of bars, clubs, pool halls and drink/drugs, I would hesitate to call that functional. Although physically I look fine -coffee cigarettes and missed meals should me marketed as a diet- I feel pretty #$%#ed up.

Anyway, getting to the point. I learned 2 days ago that a guy who was in my high school class just died of an overdose. We weren't much more than acquaintances in school and I haven't spoken to him since, but apparently it was pretty grim; eyes pinpoint, foaming at the mouth... the whole deal. While the stuff that he was using was a lot harder than what I've been playing around with (i.e mdma, mesceline, mushrooms and mephedrone), it still came as a huge shock. I think what struck me the most though was, upon reflection, how fast I allowed myself to get swallowed up in this scene. Less than a year ago I was competing at the national level for rowing and aside from the occasional party/binge didn't touch any of it.

On the drugs side of things none of these are physically addictive per-se, so it's mostly a question of removing myself from that sort of environment. The smoking and drinking might be a bit harder. With regard to the latter it hasn't been effecting my work or relationships too badly, but on the relationship count that's because they mostly consist of other people in the same sort of scene or people I only see occasionally.

Anyway having realized I need to make some change, yesterday I talked to the a Human Resources lady to see about getting some help. She gave me a few referrals but I have yet to make any appointments.

I thought I would put this out there and see if any of you had any similar experiences or advice that might help.

Dan:

Are you still in Calgary? This center may prove useful: Calgary Outlink

This may as well: Calgary Community Resources

If you recognize that you have a problem, get in touch with the referrals of the Human Resources woman, or get in touch with the people at the above links.

Before I came out, I had a great deal of repressed anger. Coming out allowed me to deal with it.

There are places, venues, and events for GLBT people outside venues where alcohol or drugs are not involved. Get involved in them. I know that we have discussed such groups around Calgary before.

I do not know, if you have a drug/alcohol problem. But your post indicates that you believe that you might. Don't ignore your own feelings. There is support out there for you! And know that you have a great deal of support here. My thoughts are with you!

Hey Dan - thanks for reaching out. You just may help someone else who is struggling with what life throws at them! There are as many types of addicts as there are people -- there is no absolute yes/no. That isn't to say you are one. Definitely make a call. And you can decide just for today not to go into thew environment where you have drugs available. "Just for today." You can also just go to an AA or NA meeting. Going to one meeting doesn't define you. You don't have to identify yourself as anything. Just be open to the idea that there are other possibilities out there.

Hang int here and keep us posted.

Dan, listen to BigBlue Cowboy and TC. They both give you excellent advice. Take them up on it. And please keep us posted as well. The biggest need that I have found people dealing with addictions (potential or otherwise) must have is support. I hope that we can part of that.

Dan,

biting the bullet of talking to someone face to face with the problems is step 1. When I was struggling with being gay and coming out, talking to a psychologist worked the best for me. The worst part was confiding in someone you have no idea about, but are educated in helping people fight their demons. They are there to help, even at your worst, you can still turn to them for advice.

You could also browse the Calgary Youth Safe site: Calgary Youth Safe

Dan, just keep your head up. Things will get better.

Yep! & remember you have anyone here & me to write a pm if need be! I'll ALWAYS be there for you. Trust me ok kiddo.

Exactly SCT. Dan, you've got the whole Outsports Community if you need us for anything.

Wow. I am so sorry to hear about all of that. I can't say that I know you all that well. But please, PLEASE listen to the advice you have received, listen to your own wake up call, and get help.

Please feel free to post your feelings and such here. It is no substitute for direct human contact, which you really, really need right now, but writing things down can help sort out feelings and emotions and such.

Dan, not sure if you have posted elsewhere but let us know how you are.