Hello all,

I am a junior at UNC (2009 basketball champions!!!) who recently came out to my family this summer only because my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I wasn't planning on coming out until I graduated because I'm in a fraternity, play on a club sports team. Although I have known forever and personally accepted being gay, I wasn't really willing to risk all I had in for coming out.

Luckily, my coming out process has been more than positive and to this day (knock on wood), I have had not one disapproving or negative encounter! Although my mother and ex girlfriends (haha) said they knew, many were surprised but more than accepting. My fraternity brothers in particular have been awesome about it, although I still try not to stare too much in the showers

I'm writing for several reasons...

In high school, I was the all-around guy-played sports, student body president, salutatorian-from academics to sports to club involvement, I did everything. Although I am a self-proclaimed nerd, I was that kid who knew all the answers and got straight A's, yet was the class clown and flirting with girls left and right. However, I was lucky to fool around with numerous guys from church, my high school soccer team, you name it. Of course it was predicated on the notion, "we're just guys...we're not gay" and watching porn. From exhibitionist style fun and several blowjobs from straight guys, I was satisfied sexually (I am a virgin) while being closeted...emotionally-a whole different story. Anyways, I met one kid my junior year and we ended up becoming best friends who could be confidantes yet fool around (although I never came out to him.)

Heading into college, I knew I had a chance to "reinvent" my identity and decided to build my reputation on being the guys' guy, ladies man, and kid always down for a good time. I joined a fraternity and now am on our executive board. This past summer, I attended a national leadership conference and I had no clue what would happen. This conference literally fell a day after I came out to my parents (via phone because I was at school...so I still don't consider it a "real coming out") and so I decided to "test try" my coming out to all these random kids I would never see again.

I ended up meeting this kid from the midwest (Iowa of all places!): he was hot, an all-state football player, pre-med, and had a 4.0 in college. I ended up telling him and we ended up talking the entire time and were inseparable. The last night we began talking about our childhood experiences and man the conversation was hot...I was practically hard the entire time and so was he. I played the "how about I give you a massage card" and before I knew it we were making out and sneaking off to all the different places at this retreat complex. Before we hooked up, he told me he wouldn't do anything unless we went out so we did. We went out for a couple of months and he even flew out to see me in NC while I was at a different university doing a business program. His visit was awesome minus him stating the first night we couldn't hook up because he doesn't think he is gay. Of course I was flustered and hurt but we ended up hooking up the entire week. Once he returned his parents became suspicious and friends gave him shit for 'potentially being gay' (he's from a 100% white, Christian, and conservative town) so the relationship was over and I still haven't talked to him since that trip in June. Although it has been half a year, I'm still not 100% over him...call me naive but I know this was the perfect relationship and it sucks to know that it is our beloved American society to blame.

Now being out and single for half a year, I need help in how to meet masculine men who are typical guys. My college is known for being one of the few liberal spots in the south and we have a huge community, but they are all princesses and live up to every stereotype. They "proudly" proclaim their sexuality and have a hugely negative reputation on campus. Although I have an awesome friend base at my university, I do want to meet and just have some gay friends who are similar to me-I'm tired of my brothers questioning if I'm really gay because they've never seen me with a guy (funny ass predicament I know) or keep hearing "you'll find someone in time." I'm not expecting instant gratification but I don't know where to meet similar guys-all I've been exposed to that is 'gay' are clubs, craigslist, and other sexual-driven places. Please help! I've seen great documentaries about gay rugby, read the stories online about the gay games, and seen other areas of positive reinforcement but have been unsuccessful in translating these opportunities into my real life.

I know this is long and it does feel good to get this off my chest but I really need some help. If you wanna message me or email don't hesitate. I hope this post gets some feedback!

Hello, espn384!

First, I admire the hell out of you for being out as a junior in college. You must be 20 or 21. When I was your age, I still struggled with being a gay man. I didn't have the balls that you have. You have a lot going for you, right off the bat. And I am glad that you experienced a good coming out process. Don't worry about how "real" it was. There are many who do not experience a warm welcome from family and friends.

But I surmise you already know this from the experience of your friend from the Leadership Conference. I'm not going to tell you that with time you'll get over him. Love can hurt. But you learn to deal with the pain and heartache that it can cause. Hold on to the special moment that you shared with him. Know that it cannot be taken away. And believe me, you made a difference in his life. Hope that someday he will be able to accept who he is and not to attempt to be someone who others want him to be.

As for meeting a man who is right for you...well, continue to do what you like to do, whether it's sports, politics, traveling, or what not. There are plenty of gay men who share your passion. But don't wait for him to parachute into your fraternity. Go to mixers, lectures, or events sponsored by your college's GLBT group. You will meet guys there that share your passions. But be open to other men, who may not easily fit into the guy whom you want. In writing about your Iowa friend's experience of rejection from his family and friends, you blamed "our beloved American society." Don't fall into the same trap of recoiling from guys who appear too "gay." Being "masculine" or a "guy's guy" means being secure and accepting of who you are. It is not about scratching your balls in public or a good game of touch football in the Quad. So you might meet men who have a passion for musical theatre, opera, cooking, needlepoint, or what not. They will teach you a thing or two, as you will do the same for them. It's about sharing the passions of each other. Yes, you want someone who is compatible with you, but you don't want a carbon copy of yourself. the guy who wears the mismatched socks was always more interesting to me than the guy who dressed like everyone else!

If your college does not have a gay rugby club, and that is what you want to participate in, why don't you start one yourself? If you go to a college near a major metropolitan area, chances are you will find one. If not, follow my advice. You seem as if you have a good head on your shoulders. Go out and pave the way, others will follow.

I want to say "Good Luck," but you don't need it. You just need a little guidance. Others here are better at it than I. Keep in touch.

Dear ESPN384,

First off, sorry about your recent loss, but as a Michigan Man, I have to say that I enjoyed it. College of Charleston represent!!!!

As for coming out, congratulations! In a world where gay and lesbian people are often hated it's good to see people still breaking through the walls of oppression. Then again, there are also a lot of people who support LGBT people, when I was in therapy and talked to my therapy about how I never held hands with my bf because if someone called me a fa***t I would get into a fistfight. He said, but what about all of the people gay and straight who will support, affirm, and be encouraged by you just expressing love? It was scary but a great process for me. And after battling alcohol issues, bar fight issues, self hate Christian issues, I got to the point where I was like, I'm gay, hurrah!

Then it was like, as you said, so now what? Among my friends their issue is not that I'm gay but why am I single? When am I going to settle down and have kids? Etc. My family is the same way. My parents need grandchildren asap. The gay part they've gotten used to. And there are both fundamentalist Christians. I never thought I'd see the day where being in a relationship with a house and family was more important to my loved ones than my secret about my sexuality. But that's the great thing about secrets, they only have power you give to them. I acknowledge I am fortunate that my family I was born into and the family I chose in friends are super rad (although I first came out to my parents 12 years ago, it took time), still it's kind of weird that they are all like "Gay? So? Find your husband already!" but that is where I am.

I can't tell you where to find the hot masculine guy who you have everything in common with and get along perfectly because nobody is perfect. Your dude in Iowa may end up your man in 5 years, then again he may already be married to a woman. The fem dude who you think is a campus outcast may be a MAN in the bed and blow your mind and be the best friend you could ever have. Everyone is just trying to figure it out, just like you are. For some guys being fem is the easiest way to let others know that they are gay; I get hit on all the time by straight men once they find out I am gay because it doesn't usually come up in conversation for a while and I am not a fem dude and some straight/bi dudes like that. I won't preach at you about judging the fem dudes but some fem dudes are just fem, just like some butch chicks are just butch. I know fem heterosexual men who'd never be with a guy. They are just gentle, nice, well spoken, kind, individuals who give great hugs and are often artists. But again, everyone is just trying to figure it out. One thing to keep in mind is that by being out, some of your frat brothers who are gay and closeted think of you just like you think of the fem guys - why is he so open? out? in your face? - and that's probably keeping you from them, so it happens to us all. Keep your chin up.

The best advice I can give is encapsulated in this video. Make sure you watch till the end!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1pT1RiEt9w