The employees at my former company were pretty close and treated one another like family. When the business closed in May, many of us decided to stay in touch through Facebook. There was one super-macho guy I didn’t like because he was/is homophobic, bigoted and a big lech. I never showed my contempt for him, though, and always treated him professionally. He apparently had no clue that I was gay and that I disliked him, because he always talked to me and gave me Christmas cards each year.
Anyway, about six months ago he friended me on Facebook. I ignored him because I have no interest in being online friends with a total ass**** who I’m certain would have treated me differently if he’d known about my sexuality.
I have not run into him since I rejected his request, and I keep wondering what it’s going to be like when we do see each other. He’s pretty confrontational and I’m sure he’s going to insult me by calling me a faggot. I’ve never been called faggot before and I don’t know how I should react. Should I take the high road and ignore him? Or is that a sign of weakness? Will I look like a big pansy?
Or should I get in his face and attempt to fist-fight him? In all honesty I must disclose that I’ve been in only one fist-fight in my life, and that was with my older sister when I was a kid (and I’m not saying who won . Let’s just say she’s a lot stronger than she looks).
I’m just curious: How did you react the first time you were called a faggot?
Thanks, guys.

Your post really confuses me.

Does he now know you're gay? If you ignored his friend request on Facebook, depending on what you say on your FB page and your privacy settings he may or may not know. If you want, you can block him instead of ignoring his friend request. I've got a couple of people blocked for different reasons.

Isn't it possible that he knew or assumed you were gay and, despite his homophobia, etc., he spoke to you and gave you Christmas cards because you treated him professionally? Why are you assuming he's going to be confrontational? Why do you assume he'll insult you if and when he sees you? Do you have friends in common so that you might see him at a party? Do you live in the same neighborhood? How do you know you'll even run into him? It seems to me you're thinking an awful lot about something that may never happen.

But let's say that it does. He sees you out somewhere and comes up and says hello. You're not going to reply with "Don't talk to me, homophobe!" You'll say hello, make some boring small talk, and then move on. Or just say "Oh hi, I can't stop to talk right now" and keep going. Or if he ask questions just say "That's private" or whatever.

And if, by some chance, he sees you and says "Hey look, there's that faggot I used to work with" just walk away. If you're at a party when this happens, be sure to tell the host and say that you won't attend any more parties he's attending.

If you feel the need to respond, do it with dignity and intelligence. Don't stoop to his name-calling level. And if you've never been in a fistfight, this isn't the time to start.

Joe in Philly, thanks for your advice. Yes, you're right. I am assuming a lot of things. But this guy is a total jerk who was despised throughout the company. He liked to get in people's faces. I remember one time, he had to photograph a young drag queen for a story. When he returned to the newsroom, he was fuming and chewed out the reporter who requested the photo because he didn't like being around that "little faggot."
I would not be surprised if he called me a faggot (even if he didn't know I was gay) just to insult me. I mean, that's the most insulting name a straight guy can call another straight guy.
As for running into him, my former co-workers get together pretty regularly, so I expect I'll see him soon at one of these functions. If I do I'll just follow your advice and treat him the same way I've always treated him and see what happens.
Thanks.

Joe already covered some good points, piernudo.

Like Joe, I was somewhat confused by your post. Why on earth would you instigate a fist-fight with this guy? Of course, defend yourself, if need be. But never throw the first punch.

As for calling you the f word...how would you react, if your were black or Jewish, and he referred to you by the n word or an anti-Semitic slur? He wouldn't be worth the time of day. Nor should he, if he calls you a f@$^^*^. I would then let him know it. And if your former coworkers didn't object, nor would they be worth the time of day.

If he asks you about the Friendship request on Facebook...be honest with him. Tell him that you had a professional relationship. Ask him why he wants to be friends with you. Take it from there.

Depends on the kind of person you are. If you are asking to fight or not to fight then obviously you are the kind of person who doesn't mind throwin down when necessary (even though it doesn't sound like you've ever really been in one ). Sometimes a person needs an ass whoopin. When this redneck son of a b*tch in college called me the "n" word in college I punched the shyt out of him. Needless to say, he never called me that again...to my face. I'm sure he was callin me all kinds of things behind closed doors. Sometimes you have to make it a point to let people know "I am not the one" I'm often told that I get my point across when I cut my eyes over at someone and purse my lips and raise my eyebrow. Just like when I was a kid and my mother used to cut her eyes over at me, I do the same and its proven effective. I often don't think its necessary to resort to violence. But sometimes...a person has an ass whoopin comin.

OK, I'm confused. If this guy was despised throughout the company, why would anyone invite him to one of these functions when they no longer work with him?

Because some employees, especially other macho, Type-A guys (who aren't as overbearing as him) think his ignorant, badass attitudes are amusing and would invite him.

It's hard to see what you would gain by hitting him. You might, in fact, be prosecuted for assault. Ignore his comments ... they will simply confirm everyone's opinion of him. Or you might simply fight words with words, such as "No, I'm a gay man, not a faggot." Then ignore him completely--he doesn't sound worth the time or energy.