So this guy and I have been friends for about four years now. Really good friends.

Anyway, after college I moved to different city and we have seen a lot less of each other. Long story short he was out visiting me this weekend and on the last evening essentially told me that he loved me.

Now the last time we saw each other back in the summer he was acting a bit weird around me which lead me to wonder if something like this might be the case, but then with distance our conversations returned pretty well back to standard so I sort of dismissed the idea.

Anyway, when he told me, I was so shocked that I don't even remember what I said. I remember we talked for about a minute and I just sort of awkwardly left.

Looking back at the course of our friendship, there were probably signs that I completely ignored; a casual arm around the shoulder, having his other friends 'bail' when we were supposed to go out to the bar together as a group - that sort of thing... but you know, I never really read too much into it. As far as I was concerned we were really close and had a sort of almost brotherly relationship, not dissimilar to the sort of friendship I have with my closest straight friends.

Anyway, I am pretty sure that it wasn't an easy thing for him to say and I am sure that my reaction hurt him a lot, but I can't help feeling like being the one that was cheated here and I don't care if that makes me sound like a selfish prick.

I feel like he was dishonest about his feelings for me and he should have been upfront about his interest from the beginning. Furthermore he never really gave overt signals... and making out when we were high out of our minds on MDMA doesn't count. I probably made out with ten people that night and so did he.

Anyway I feel like I have been made the bad guy in all this by him not telling me from the beginning and while I feel terrible that I've hurt him I really was left with no other choice due to the fact that I don't have the same sort of feeling for him as he has for me.

Anyway, what do I do now? Ideally i'd like things to be the way they were, but that's not going to happen. I don't want to lead him on but I would like to remain friends. What do I do?

You answered your own question with the last sentence of your post. "I don't want to lead him on but I would like to remain friends." Great! Say exactly that to him. Sure, he may be a bit down after hearing it, but if he is mature, he should be thankful for the truth. BTW, what in is MDMA? It makes you go around wanting to kiss everyone? Why in the world would you need a drug to make you do that?

If you have regrets about the way you left, after your friend told you that he loves you, Dan, apologize to him. But you should also tell him how you feel. Don't be dismissive of his feelings, but clearly state to him that you do not see the relationship as anything more than friendly.

Was your friend closeted, or is he still? That is unclear from what you describe. Your friend might be confused in his feelings toward you. From his perspective, you may have been the only guy who was understanding of him four years ago.

Treat him with kid gloves, but be clear that you cannot reciprocate the feelings he has for you.

As for making out while on Ecstasy....like any mind-altering drug, it clouds our judgment. It may have been nothing to you. That kiss probably meant more to him. Be careful.

He probably didn't tell you up front about how he felt because he was afraid you would react the way you did. While that doesn't change anything about how or why you reacted the way you did (or the way he handled things all along), you need to make sure to be honest with him so he knows exactly where he's coming from.

There are several different outcomes possible here. He may not be able to handle your lack of interest in being more than friends and he'll need to stay away for a while before he's ok with things. He may stay away forever. But I don't think it's a bad thing to take charge of the situation, tell him where you stand in terms of your friendship and your boundaries. Then he knows what your expectations are and it's his choice as to what to do next.

Hopefully you don't lose a friend over the situation and things will eventually work themselves out to a point where you are both comfortable with each other again. Good luck!

I'm not sure you really need to talk about it ... sounds like your message got through loud and clear, and bringing it up again will only add to his embarassment. I would just proceed with your friendship as if this incident hadn't happened (e.g., make a plan to get together and do something like you always did), and then if he brings it up or if there is another situation like what you described, I would then make a comment like "I wouldn't want anything to ruin our great friendship, you're too important to me as a friend," which gets across your point but also compliments him and lets him back off and save face. If there was a need for a conversation at that point, I would stay on that theme (although most reasonably experienced guys should get the hint). Then move on as if it never happened, which is the best way to keep your friendship strong.

OK, first let me say that in general I agree with the advice... if he's a valued friend, and you don't want to lose the relationship you have to realize that it may be awkward for him for awhile. Be understanding, but be honest about your feelings (or lack of them). He needs to know that you value him as a friend, and you don't look at him any differently. You can't just pretend it didn't happen, but once you clear the air, don't dwell on it. Also, don't be offended if he's needs his space... he may not be comfortable being with you right away. He probably will need time away. Now, having said that...



Whoa... what? You were cheated? Did it ever occur to you that maybe he didn't always feel that way? I can't speak for him, but how do you know his feelings for you didn't develop over time as he got to know you? And maybe he didn't give you any overt signs because he could tell you weren't really interested in him. On the other hand, you yourself said you saw signs, and wondered about it. So why didn't you bring it up?

Maybe he just reached a point where he had to take a chance, or at least be honest and clear the air. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be around someone that you love, and to know that they don't love you and nothing can come of it?



Who has made you the bad guy? It sounds like you haven't had any contact with him since this happened... and you say that you left a minute after he told you. So he's not making you the bad guy--there is no way he can do that, he hasn't had the chance. Assuming you haven't told any other friends, they aren't making you the bad guy. Maybe you, are making you the bad guy. Sounds to me like you feel guilty for the way you treated him. Aside from being honest with you (something you criticized him for not being), just what has he done or said to make you feel guilty? It's OK if you feel bad about the way your responded, but don't now try to blame him for you feeling that way. Step back and take a look at yourself, and take responsibility for how you feel--don't push it off on him.

Just my two cents, for what it's worth.

With all of the hurt feelings on both sides perhaps it's best if you just cut your losses. Having been on both sides of a friendship crush it could take years for your friend to get over you and then you'll have to wonder whether his advice on your new relationships are sound, will he become bitchy/bitter in the future and act passive aggressive, etc. You have to work on yourself, but also expect him to work on his feelings. I wouldn't say ignore him if he reaches out, but you sound like you don't want drama and that's what this is. Maybe you'll reconnect on Facebook in 3 years after he's moved on.