i am a college athlete, and i recently hooked up with a freshman on my team. after it happened i realized it was probably a bad idea, but i've found that i really like him, and he's really hot, and i would like for our hookups to continue. we both understand that we can't really be anything more than "friends with benefits" and we figure we can just keep it a secret (something he definitely wants since he's not out yet, although i am), but i don't know what to think.

is this as bad of an idea as my instincts are telling me?

I don't see anything wrong with it...as long as you both are on the same page about the relationship and its expectations. Who knows, you may have a friend with benefits...for life!

dear mcsteamy,

is there more to the story than you are saying? from what you've written it doesn't sound like there is anything to worry about or for your instincts to lead you into a bad place over. now if the frosh seems like the needy type and will cause drama on the team if you decide to stop hooking up or if you fall in love easily and will eventually pressure him to prove his love by coming out of the closet as your boyfriend or not kissing a girl in front of you at a team party to prove he is "straight", then there might be problems. i can say just enjoy the hookups, but you'll probably have drama. that's kind of what college is for, drama allows you to figure out your boundaries. just enjoy the ride. you're only where you are when you are there. same for your special friend.

You should nip this in the bud.

The idea of "friends with benefits" spells trouble for the following reasons:

1. Emotional ties beyond the quick release often develop from sex on a regular basis with the same person. You might be able to keep your emotions in check, can the guy you're having sex with do the same?

2. He's in the closet and also a freshman. Are you the first guy he's had sex with? It's more likely that he'll follow the route described in #1.

3. If you really like him, why don't you go out with him? What's wrong with dating? You said he is in the closet, but you might be able to help him get out of the closet.

4. If things turn sour, he's still your teammate.

Look, you have qualms, either end it or follow #3.

i would try dating him, but i figured that if that eventually got out other people on the team would have problems with it. i guess that would be the next question, is dating a teammate okay?

either way, i don't think that either of us are really the needy type, so i think friends with benefits could work at least in the short term. i'm the second guy he's had sex with, but he's also hooked up with a lot of girls

In general, a bad idea. If it stays at the level of hookups, problems could be minimal. But what if one or the other develops deeper feelings? If they're not reciprocated, the other person can feel rejected and can lead to tension between the two of you that could spill over onto the team. If you both get involved on an emotional level, and then breakup, it's even worse. And what if you are in a position of power, like team captain. You have to be careful not to show favoritism in how you treat him... and if others on the team find out the two of you are hooking up, or dating, that could lead to accusations of it... even if it's not true. It's basically the same as dating people at work.

Having said that, it could all work out and not be a problem. It has in the past, and it will in the future. But there's also a big risk here, and you need to think about that before you pursue anything further.

I think you should film one of your get togethers and let the rest of us review it and then let you know what we think.

LOL! I'm sure there would be an avalanche of opinions!

Are you going to show up at the locker room with a bouquet of roses for him? If not, as far as the rest of the world knows, you're not really dating, you're just friends hanging out at a bar or going to a movie or a ballgame.

what sport, i think that has a lot to do with any decision

I started a separate thread to address your issues steamboat999 because I think a lot of guys will be asking your questions about dating in the near future.

Agreed.

I would say go for it especially if you are out. But think of it as more of a 'have your fun while it lasts' sort of deal because unless he is willing to come out it won't.

Although I never hooked up with someone on my own team, I have with rowers from other Universities and I certainly didn't regret it.

Chalk me up in the "been there, done that" category.

As said before, make sure the two of you are on the same page. And it is tough to remian just FWB with someone like that. Depending on your sport, you aren't friends with your teammates, there's something more. There's already a trust relationship, and add in sex, then there's a recipe for an emotional attachment. That doesn't mean the two of you can't make it work, but it won't be easy.

I hooked up with a teammate in college for the better part of three years (until he graduated and moved on). It was a really good experience for the two of us. In no way do I regret it at all. That being said, it could easily have blown up in our faces and had consequences for the team as a whole (which would have been unfair to them).

#1) it won't be easy keeping it from the team. People can be more observant that one might think. But you can do it, especially if the team isn't especailly close or live together.

#2) The fact that he is younger and less experienced doesn't help. He is trying to find his way in things and might not be ready to accept his sexuality just yet. Maybe he is just experimenting, maybe he is bi, maybe his is gay. Only he really knows and he has to figure it out, but it might put you in a tough situation. What happens if he has a girlfirend then comes to you one night for a hookup? Remember that he is in a different place in his sexual development than you and many times that can cuase problems. Many time the guy in your position just doesn't want to deal with the issues he is dealing with as "you've" already gone through it, and it was painful enough the first time.

#3) The age difference might be a factor. At 18-19, most guys aren't all that emotionally mature. But by the time you get closer to graduation, many guys, if not most, are now emotionally pretty close to being men, as opposed to being a boy with a man's body (like when you started college).

#4) A lot of thie problems can be dealt with if the two of you sit down and really talk it through, but that's easier said than done with a 19 year old (who probably is more interested in just stripping off his clothes and dealing with the consequences later).

Best of luck.

Please feel free to ask for advice. That's what we are here for.

I pretty much agree with you... except for the statement above. They may be more emotionally mature than when they were 18, but many of them are not by any stretch emotionally mature, even at 25 or older sometimes. Yes, they are men, but technically they are at 18 or 19. You THINK you are mature when you're that age... but when you get older, you realize just how mature you were not. Of course, you won't fully realize this until you hit 40, and then you REALLY get a maturity wake-up call.

All I can say as a middle-aged gay man, I wish the environment were different when I was that age, and I also wish I had taken more chances. I played it a bit too safe, and I do regret not taking more chances. I had some fun, but I could have had a lot more. You're only going to be this age and in the college life once in your life...feast at the banquet!

Steam

Since you've already hooked up with your teammate, I kind of feel like all of this advice is past the point of no return. You should chart your next course of action by what is happening to you right now with your friend.

my general belief is that you don't shit in your own backyard

if you do start dating him and if it doesn't work out, its going to affect your playing and his and eventually the team

maybe you'll start dating and things will work out

you know the situation much better than any of us-go with your gut feeling

if you think he wants more than just to be FWB, go for it

Yeah, don't get your meat where you get your bread.

Hello... thank you. That was my point. Maybe if this was a squad with big numbers, like a football team, it wouldn't be as big a deal if it didn't work out. But if you have 15, or 20, or 25 guys, that's a pretty tight knit group.



I agree with this, I played it too safe as well, but it was a very different time. Plus, it probably kept me from sowing my wild oats, so to speak, and because of that I am alive and healthy unlike so many others. However, let's not swing the pendulum too far in the other direction. There are still limitations, gay or straight, and boundaries that are better not crossed.