Jon Stewart:
"If you have been following Trent Lott's political career over the past 30 years then you know it's not nearly as fun as following it over the past week and a half. He has issued a number of apologies, none of which seem to be -- what's the word I'm looking for? -- working. Last night the Senate majority leader put on his away jersey for an appearance and apology on Black Entertainment Television. Lott went on to say 'I like big butts, I cannot lie'"

Letterman:
Things are looking up for Al Gore. Today CBS offered to make him their new fat weatherman.

Here's a programming note. ... Don't miss next week's big holiday special: 'Trent Lott's Swinging Motown Christmas.'

Last night Trent Lott appeared on the Black Entertainment Network and he apologized. He was sincere about this. He said he no longer feels the bigotry and prejudice that he felt last week"

Leno:
Al Gore shocked the nation by announcing that he will not run for president in 2004. The bad news is now he has time write another book.

How many saw him on 'Saturday Night Live?' He did a great job, very funny. The show got huge ratings, ratings were high in New York, high in California, high in Texas. Florida is still counting.

And now that Al has done 'Saturday Nigh Live' he said he'd like to make a bunch of bad movies and never work again.

Lot of changes in the White House, like President Bush's new military advisor Sean Penn. As you know he was trained for this mission in Fort Streisand out in Malibu"

Back East, it was raining so hard Trent Lott was wearing a hood just to stay dry.

Trent Lott has apologized once again for making insensitive comments. He said from now on he'll try a lot harder to mask his true feelings. He said he now realizes that as a young man working for the bus company he should not have tried to make Rosa Parks sit in the back.

I think he's trying a little too hard now to reach out now to the African American population. Like today he said 'I do not have a racist bone in my booty.'

As you know Al Gore has announced he will not run for president in 2004. He said today that there are other candidates out there who are just as experienced and just as knowledgeable. Like Sean Penn. Sean Penn is in Baghdad on his own fact-finding mission. In fact, they said on the news that this is the first time Sean Penn has been in a country where he was the only guy to have slept with Madonna" ("Tonight Show," NBC, 12/17).

Conan:
Actor Sean Penn just announced that after a three-day tour of Iraq that he is convinced that Iraq is, 'completely clear of weapons of mass destruction.' Afterwards Donald Rumsfeld called Sean Penn and said 'You were at Epcot Center, dumb ass.'

Last night Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott appeared on Black Entertainment Television. ... He said he is not a racist. Lott's exact quote was 'I would never get jiggy with racism'"

Craig Kilborn:
"Tell me if this is weird people, I taped Al Gore hosting 'Saturday Night Live' over the weekend and my VCR fell asleep

some more from last week --

Jon Stewart:
Family and friends gathered at the Capital to wish a Happy 100th Birthday to South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond. And what's any celebration of a 100th birthday without uncomfortable sexual overtones. [Shows footage of Marylin Monroe impersonator singing to Thurmond] Senator Thurmond then thrust his head into her chest, rendering her bosoms separate but equal.

Lott has found himself in a lot of trouble over his comments. Keep in mind Lott only says this kind of stuff once every 22 years. We like to think of him as kind of the Halley's comet of bigotry.

Letterman:
Well, President Bush is waiting patiently for his 3 page summary of the 10,000 page summary of the Iraqi weapons report.

This Saddam Hussein is nuts. And now he's pretending he's a nice guy. He apologized to Kuwait and earlier today he resigned from the Augusta National Golf Club.

Yesterday the new Secretary of the Treasury, John Snow, resigned from the Augusta National Golf Club and reporters asked him what he will miss most about the golf club and he said 'Showering with all the men.'

Did you hear that the guy who pretended to be Big Foot passed away? On the brighter side, there's a job opening for Janet Reno.

... it's so cold down in Washington, Trent Lott put his other foot in his mouth, it was so cold up in Chappaqua, the Clintons got in the same bed.

Here's bad news: You can no longer smoke in New York City bars. So now where is Mom going to watch the Blue Bonnet Bowl?

This just in -- U.N. inspector Hans Blix has declared Trent Lott's mouth a biological weapon.

I'm very excited because our President this year is mailing out a million Christmas cards. I saw an advanced copy of the card. It's a beautiful winter scene. It's like Santa Claus and he's at the North Pole and he's surrounded by oil rigs.

A million Christmas cards. That's a lot of work. You know it's not as much fun at the White House when all the interns are doing is licking stamps.