OK -- the jokes are pouring in. I'm starting a thread just for these -- bound to be more everyday:

Leno: "Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn't know, Arnold's staff didn't know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn't get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.

If Arnold was elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'

Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know, it's started already. Today, they released the one thing that could really hurt Arnold. Turns out he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold.

This recall thing in California has actually reached what they call 'critical mass.' That means there are now more people registered to run for governor than there are registered to vote.

You know who's running? Gary Coleman. He says his first order of business -- lower the minimum height requirements for rides at Disneyland.

The publisher of Hustler magazine Larry Flynt, he is also running. Flint says he wants to solve our budget crisis by opening more casinos. What a coincidence that Larry Flint just happens to own several casinos. That's like having a president whose background is in the oil industry making environmental decisions.

So, as of today, we've got Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Gallagher the Comedian, Larry Flynt, Angeline. I don't know if this is an election or some bad episode of "Hollywood Squares."

Letterman: "Big night last night, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is running for governor of California. I missed the whole thing, the one night that I forget to watch Leno, and this happens.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Jon Stewart: "Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway.

The precocious Arnold Drummond -- or Gary Coleman, as he insists on being called these days -- is also entering the race. Mostly to keep this thing from becoming a freak show.

Also joining the fray is a slightly more political candidate, outspoken columnist Arianna Huffington. Huffington will run as an independent and has pledged to make 'curiously unidentifiable' the official accent of California."

Conan: "Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

Craig Kilborn: "The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.'

They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger.

Well, Governor Gray Davis has a plan now to grab back the spotlight. That plan involves a young girl, a hotel room, and a big diamond ring."

Letterman's Top 10 Schwarzenegger Campaign Promises
10. To do for politics what I did for acting.
9. Combine the intelligence of George Bush with the sexual appetite of Clinton.
8. A heaping tablespoon of Joe Weider's 'Dynamic Body Shaper' in every pot.
7. Every freeway gets a dedicated car chase lane.
6. Seek advice from elder political statesmen like Jesse Ventura.
5. Crack down on schools graduating students who can't bench-press 180 pounds.
4. Solemnly swear to support the Constitution of Gold's Gym.
3. Goofiest-named governor since Pataki.
2. Raise the minimum age for dating Demi Moore.
1. Speak directly to the voters in clear, honest, broken English

Craig Kilborn, of all people, wins the day, having the best jokes IMHO

and from Wednesday night:

Leno: ""This governor's race in California is just getting crazy. Just moments ago, Seabiscuit announced he's running. ... It's amazing how many members of the press are here to cover Arnold's announcement. Apparently, those are all the reporters who missed the flight to Colorado.

Because of this recall thing, experts say the number of people running for governor has reached 500 people. We need to bring in Simon from 'American Idol' to thin out the herd, you know what I mean?

Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us.

Gray Davis got some good news this week. The Clintons are here in California campaigning for him. Actually Hillary is campaigning for Davis, I think Bill is campaigning for Larry Flint.

Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flint, also running for governor. I don't know, on election day, you really want supporters of Larry Flint going off to a curtained off booth by himself?

You know who should run for governor of California? Mike Tyson. He's built like Schwarzenegger, he spends like Davis, and he sounds like Barbara Boxer"

Craig Kilborn: "Arnold Schwarzenegger just appeared on another late night talk show, as if there were another one, and announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan -- 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II."'

He's got a really stiff opponent -- the English language.

[ August 08, 2003, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: DCBucky ]

Some great lines,but imo the winner is Letterman. I'm reading this in a library,and actually started laughing out loud while reading Dave's quips.

More from over the weekend ...

Letterman: "Here's a little known fact -- Arnold is the first bodybuilder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

Leno: "Welcome to day three of California's recall election campaign. Or as we call it, 'Freaky Friday,' ladies and gentleman.

Four more candidates getting on board. A candidate from the Green Party jumped in today, to which President Bush said, 'Omigod, the Hulk is running too?'

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.

I'm glad Arnold is running, just so I can keep hearing him say 'Kel-ee-fornia.' What is he from India now?

Even Arnold's adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he'd have an Academy Award by now.

Arianna Huffington announced her candidacy for the governorship as well. They're talking about a debate now between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arianna Huffington. First they have to agree on a language.

Arianna Huffington's former husband Michael -- he's the gay ex-congressman -- he has endorsed Arnold. So this is the second time he's left Arianna for another man.

You know what's really disappointing? The negative campaigning has started already. There's whispers about steroid use, lying, womanizing -- and that's just for Gary Coleman.

Former child star Gary Coleman has announced his candidacy. His slogan is not good -- 'Whatcha talkin' about California?' I guess Gary Coleman was campaigning today down at the Glendale Galleria. No, I'm sorry, he's still working there as a security guard.

It's amazing how many celebrities are getting into this race. You know that show 'Crossing Over?' Well today they talked to Sonny Bono on the other side and he announced he's running. ... Things are not looking too good, though, for California Governor Gray Davis. In the latest popularity polls, he is now three points behind the movie 'Gigli'."

Bill Maher: "Thank you very much. You're just excited to see someone here who isn't running for governor.

I know why you're excited. You're excited because peace-keeping troops have been deployed to Liberia to try to stop the chaos and carnage there, and they say if it works out there, they're going to try it here in California.

We here in California, we are not crazy. We're clinically depressed. Basically what's happening here in California is Arnold Schwarzenegger is running for governor against Gary Coleman. Arnold is promising to 'clean house' in Sacramento and Gary Coleman's last job was cleaning house in Sacramento. I like Gary, he was asked yesterday if he had a platform. He said, 'Of course! It's the only way I can get to the sink.'

Arnold was on the 'Today' show today, he was a little light on specifics. He said he could solve California's $38 billion budget deficit, without cutting spending or raising taxes because there was a third way. What is it? Let's just say it involves a robot going back in time to convince Gray Davis to go into dentistry.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

Conan: "Ladies and gentleman, California has gone insane. Gary Coleman has announced that he's running for governor of California. Unfortunately for Coleman, California has a sign that says, 'You must be this tall to run for governor.'

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.".

Craig Kilborn: "People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife."

OMG those are too funny!
I now have to clean up the lemon aid I spit out at this one

Arianna Huffington's former husband Michael -- he's the gay ex-congressman -- he has endorsed Arnold. So this is the second time he's left Arianna for another man.

From Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show:"

Charles Taylor has left Liberia. No one is sure what he'll do next, but he did tell friends he had a check for $3500 and the signatures of 65 friends.

~Adam

from yesterday:

Leno: "The other night on my way home I stopped at a McDonald's. I pull in the drive thru, I order a Big Mac, fries and a diet Coke, and the woman on the speaker says for 39 cents more, I could run for governor.

It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future.

Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush.

President Bush was asked over the weekend what he thought about this California recall, and he said, 'I'm a follower of American politics and I'm confident that the citizens of California will sort this out.' He's a 'follower' of American politics. I guess that comes in mighty handy when you're President of the United States.

194 candidates running, it may get even higher. In fact, the only two now we can officially rule out are Uday and Qusay.

Actually 194 and a half, if you count Gary Coleman.

Gallagher the Comedian began campaigning over the weekend. It didn't go well. I guess he kissed three babies and hit four people over the head with that Sledge-o-matic thing.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and adult film star Mary Carey, they're also running. See you know what bothers me about the two of them? See, this could split the all-important porn vote.

I think the biggest problem for Larry Flynt would be campaigning. I mean think about it, would you let your baby kiss Larry Flynt?

On the Democratic side, our Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante is also running. Have you ever heard of him before? Doesn't that sound like some sickness you get on one of those carnival cruises? Hey pass me the Pepto Bustamante.

Jon Stewart: "President Bush, keeping tabs on the [California] situation from his ranch in Crawford. This week the president will also host a brainstorming session with top members of his domestic team to discuss the nation's floundering economy and the difference between relaxed fit and boot cut."

Craig Kilborn: "Today in Hollywood, Los Angeles -- 100 degrees. And today Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed to kick the sun's ass.

Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.

Experts say with all the media attention centered on the governor's race, it threatens to turn the Kobe Bryant trial into a dignified proceeding"

... and from Tuesday night:

Conan: "California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California's governor's race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is being criticized by the press because instead of discussing issues, he keeps reciting catch phrases, like 'Hasta la vista, baby'"

Leno: "It was so hot today, Governor Gray Davis tripled the tax on ice cream trucks.

How many here are tourists visiting California? Some interesting information about California. The highest point -- Mount Whitney. The lowest point -- October 7th.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a nice note from Kobe Bryant, saying 'Thanks for knocking me off the front page.'

Yesterday Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech in New York. He didn't want to, but it was easier to pronounce than Kah-lee-fornia.

This is the first governor's recall race in 89 years. I believe Angelyne ran in that one, too.

Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is that? Imagine if you were turned down because you didn't meet the high standards set by Larry Flynt and Gallagher.

We're going to invite every single person running for governor to be in our audience on September 22nd. Here's your chance to get on national television with your issues. We have 300 seats, so we can fit everybody in. Oh, and Gary Coleman, don't worry, we're gonna have a booster seat for you.

Larry Flynt, the founder of Hustler, of course, he's running for governor. You know what his campaign slogan is? 'A smut peddler who cares.' Today Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, that was my slogan.'

And a porn star by the name of Mary Carey, she is running for governor, you know what her platform is? She wants to make lap dances tax deductible. Finally some good news for Ben Affleck.

I love all these politicians, they all say the same thing -- 'We'll give California back to the people.' Yeah, great, now that it's not worth anything they want to give it back to us.

All nine Democratic presidential candidates have come out in support of Gray Davis. Today in Disneyland, all seven dwarves came out for Gary Coleman.

More problems today for Governor Gray Davis. It seems the California Highway Patrol caught Davis' motorcade going 94 miles per hour in a 55. They thought he was trying to make a run for the border.

President Clinton met with Governor Davis to try to give him some pointers. Good luck. You think Clinton can help Davis be more exciting and appealing in 55 days? I mean, Clinton had 8 years with Al Gore, couldn't do anything with that.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger, by a major margin ... If my dogs like him, he's in." -- Jacqueline Stallone, mother of Rocky, on who her clairvoyant dogs predict will win the recall race.

Before laughing too hard, please be reminded that these same the miniature pinschers "astounded the political world by correctly predicting that George W. Bush would defeat Al Gore by a razor-thin margin."

More laughs: Stallone "also practices the art of 'rumpology' which uses the imprint of a person's buttocks." OK ...

You'd think Sly might be looking for advice from the mutts on his next "career" move. Governor of Delaware, perhaps? eek!

[ August 13, 2003, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: George_vikingfan ]

Wednesday night:

Leno: "It was 102 today. It was so hot, Satan entered the governor's race today.

An NBC News poll has found that if the election were held today, 31% of California voters would vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger and 26% were not sure. Today Gray Davis announced he is changing his name to 'Not Sure.'

Yesterday Governor Davis stopped at a gas station over here in Brentwood, but bad news, they weren't hiring.

Because of the equal time rule, Arnold Schwarzenegger movies will be kept off the air for the next few months. Forget Arnold, let's see if we can get Carrot Top to run and get rid of those stupid 1-800-COLLECT commercials.

Arnold Schwarzenegger vowed today to get the budget under control. See how bad are things in Sacramento when you need someone from Hollywood to show you how not to go over budget.

Have you heard of this porn star named Mary Carey who is running for president? I mean, running for governor? Porn star and president just seem to come together in my mind, I don't know why. She is running on a platform of taxing breast implants, which, of course, are California's largest natural resource.

Elections officials here in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, 'What? You count the ballots?'

As if this whole thing isn't confusing enough. Election officials announced this week, I guess this makes it more fair, that the alphabet on the ballot will begin with the letter R, then W, then Q. You know, even Sesame Street is laughing at California now.

Jon Stewart: "Your state is having a recall election. There are over, at this present time, 130 candidates. Listing them alphabetically would give an unfair advantage to the Aaron A. Aaronsons of the world. What do you do? You reorder the alphabet!

What about the candidates? Well, bizarro world frontrunner Arnold Schwarzenegger campaigned in, of course, New York this week, where he stepped up his controversial goal of helping children."

Conan: "Man, if this is possible, it's getting crazier in California. That place is retarded now, I believe. It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired billionaire Warren Buffett as his senior economic advisor. And not to be outdone Gary Coleman announced his senior economic adviser will be Thurston Howell the Third.

One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth.

Craig Kilborn: "Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question -- 'Do I live here?'

The pundits can't understand how Arnold is leading in the polls without even opening his mouth. Well isn't that how he became a movie star?."

Thanks DC for taking the time to post these quotes. They are all truly funny and the help make my day go by faster.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/artic...-2003Aug15.html

The Fey Fedora-Donned Beast points us to Taco Bell's recall ballot.

If you go to any Taco Bell in California and buy a Beef Crunchy Taco, it's a vote for the Terminitaor. If you buy a Chicken Soft Taco, it's a vote for Gray Davis. If you by a Grilled Stuffed Taco, it's a vote for any of the other candidates.

I won't even get into the fact that, last I remember, a Chicken Soft Taco costs more than a Beef Crunchy Taco.

Run for the border, Californians. Or just secede. We'll, let you go. NSA as the slutty kids say. No civil war this time. Just go. Really.

* NSA = no strings attached

[ August 21, 2003, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: MCMikeNamara ]

Jon Stewart: "Tonight we focus on two Californians -- one who's famous for acting like a robot, and the other, uh, make that two people who are famous for acting like a robot.

We begin with Governor Gray Davis, who last night kissed his wife and walked to the podium to save his career.

Actor Rob Lowe announced on the program 'Extra,' he would join Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign as an adviser. Let me reiterate, actor Rob Lowe will join actor Arnold Schwarzenegger as an adviser to his real campaign about a real gubernatorial race that he's talking about on an entertainment show."

Craig Kilborn: "The recall election is reportedly going to cost California $67 million. Arnold said, 'Don't worry, we'll make that back opening weekend'"

Bill Maher: "The President was out here this week, trying to stay away from our recall mess. He was sort of backing away from endorsing Arnold because Arnold Schwarzenegger's views on abortion and gay rights are a little too liberal for the President. Also Bush said, on a personal note, he wants to know how you pick up a German accent when you come from Australia.

Big news this week from the Schwarzenegger camp. Rob Lowe is joining his campaign as an adviser. Arnold said he could have hired a real adviser, instead of one who plays one on TV, but why break the fourth wall now?"

Leno: Well let's see what's happening with the recall election, or as Arnold Schwarzenegger calls it -- Oktoberfest.

I tell ya, though, as this gets closer Arnold Schwarzenegger has a lot of challenges ahead of him. At some point he's going to have to pronounce the word 'gubernatorial.'

A number of candidates are complaining that Arnold's getting so much of the spotlight that it's drowning out their message. In fact Arianna Huffington said that she hasn't been this ignored since her honeymoon.

Have you heard Arianna Huffington's new catch phrase? 'No new taxes because I have paid the old ones.' Huffington launched her campaign for governor by criticizing the fat cats who do not pay their fair share of taxes. Well, she paid no state income tax in the past two years, and only paid $771 in federal taxes, even though she's a millionaire. Apparently 'hypocrite' is not the only Greek word that begins with 'H.'

Governor Davis has been calling Bill Clinton three or four times a week. Always says the same thing -- 'Help!'

Gray Davis has changed his mind. He wants to repeal the triple-car tax. He said this could save taxpayers over $5 billion. And that's just for me, that's what I would save.

You all know who Mary Carey is? She's the porn star who's running for governor, and she has this Web site where she does naked jumping jacks. You know, I think I speak to most guys when I say, 'Yeah, that's all well and good, but where does she stand on the issues?'

Actually, Carey said today she's offered to debate six guys, all at the same time.

I'll tell you where this recall is really causing problems -- over at 'Hollywood Squares.' There are so many B and C-level celebrities running for governor, they had to shut down production.

President Bush came to California today. He's here to try and raise money. Good luck. What are we, $38 billion in debt? We should be hitting him up for some dough.

Arnold Schwarzenegger made his tax returns public ... now there's a problem about him stretching the truth. Apparently under occupation he put down 'actor.'

Good news for Gary Coleman. He got his first endorsement today from the Lollipop Guild.

Did you know one of the candidates running for governor here in California is a woman who is 100 years old? Her platform -- bring back 'Murder She Wrote'"

[ August 21, 2003, 09:41 AM: Message edited by: DCBucky ]

Craig Kilborn: We had a fun show yesterday. The lawyers came down on us. I'm an educator, and it's time for me to teach you something about the media during political elections. There's a rule in the media called equal time. That means if we show even a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger for 10 seconds, the other candidates can ask for that same 10 seconds of airtime. And I refuse to have Gallagher on my show.

Because there are over 100 candidates, the networks are not even showing any of Arnold's movies during this campaign. Now if we could only get Colin Farrell to run for Governor."

Letterman: "The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.

Bill Clinton is in California helping Gray Davis campaign. Because, you know, nothing makes more sense than a recalled governor getting advice from an impeached president.

President Clinton is really trying to help. Today, He gave Davis the numbers of three sluts."

[ August 27, 2003, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: DCBucky ]

If you want to see a real joke, there's a picture of Arnold parading around in a Speedo in the LA times today (apparently it appeared in People too). The guy looks like shit. Must have been a body double playing him all these years! Now if only he can get a body double for his brain.

Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Schwarzenegger Campaign HQ

10. It's pronounced "Gu-ber-na-tor-ee-al."
9. Your wife called to say there's no way in hell she's voting for you.
8. Kids don't need subsidized school lunches -- they need mass-building protein power supplements.
7. Remember, when you're shaking hands, ease up if you hear cracking.
6. Good news! Lou Ferrigno just endorsed us!
5. Don't worry -- Mars isn't close enough to hurt you.
4. I'm not sure saying "Hasta la vista, baby" constitutes an outreach to Hispanic voters.
3. Who's the actor who plays Gray Davis?
2. Arnold got his head caught in the Soloflex again.
1. You've lived here for 35 years. Why do you have an accent?

Bill Maher: "Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage. He said marriage is a sacred union between a groupie and any number of body builders.

The media is all over this Oui interview that Arnold did 25 years ago. Now, he's admitted he smoked pot, had group sex and didn't mind dating a girl that was out of shape and kind of fat if she satisfied him sexually. So, his handlers have stopped comparing him to Reagan and started comparing him to Clinton.

This has started a bad trend, now all the dirt is coming out on all the candidates. Today, Gary Coleman tearfully confessed to once having a two-and-a-half way.

Arnold is all over the map with this gay stuff. In the interview, he says men shouldn't feel like fags, his word, just because they want to have nice looking bodies. He said, 'I have no hang-ups about the fag business.' Boy, how about that, a guy who will stand up for gays while calling them fags. I think we have finally found the compassionate conservative.

Leno: "Yesterday, as Arnold Schwarzenegger was about to give a speech, he was hit with an egg. On the news they announced, 'He went on and gave the speech anyway.' Well, of course he did. He's the Terminator! What is he gonna do, not show up?

Today, Arnold called former President Clinton. He wanted to see if he could get the name of a good dry cleaner.

Yesterday, they had the first recall debate. There are no winners and losers in this debate. Just losers.

They wanted to have an empty chair out there to represent Arnold, since he didn't show up. But then they got worried, 'What if the empty chair wins?'

Because of this equal time rule, TV stations in California cannot run any of Arnold's movies between now and the election because it would be like giving him free publicity. And because it would be free publicity for Gray Davis, they cannot show the movie Dead Man Walking.

Gray Davis and his campaign team have come up with a strategy to make sure this recall gets defeated. What they're going to do is they're going to have Gray Davis come out and endorse it.

A little bit of a scandal for Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante. It seems he has accepted $2 million from one Indian tribe, on top of $800,000 he has already accepted from two other bribes. Oh wait, did I say bribes, I meant tribes"

Letterman: "I am so glad you people are here. The reason I say this, last night, what a rough crowd. They were so horrible. They had just gotten back from egging Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I thought this was quick thinking. To quiet the crowd, instead of panicking, Arnold just did a scene from Kindergarten Cop.

The egg hit Arnold on the first throw, which I believe means we can rule out any member of the Yankee bullpen.

Top 10 Arnold Schwarzenegger Debate Conditions
10. Questions may be answered in English, German, or a combination of both.
9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft candidates' responses.
8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall and Arnold gets everyone out just before the whole place blows up.
7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second clip from Terminator
6. No tricky words like "budget" or "Sacramento."
5. Attire -- bathing suit and baby oil.
4. Candidate receives standard 30-million dollar fee, plus 10 percent of box office gross.
3. Moderator -- Lou Ferrigno.
2. No questions that can't be answered "I'll be back."
1. Arnold must win

Bill Maher: "We had our recall debate here in California this week. One awkward moment, Arianna Huffington turned to Cruz Bustamante and asked, 'Could you bring more breadsticks?'

Leno: "Arnold Schwarzenegger unveiled his new campaign slogan the other day: 'Who threw that?'

It turns out Arnold getting hit with the egg wasn't political. It was just someone who rented Jingle All The Way and was still mad about it.

Arianna Huffington has come out with a plan for lowering property taxes: don't pay them.

Cruz 'Dances with Casinos' Bustamante has taken $2.5 million dollars from Indian tribe casinos. And now, it turns out, his brother got a job managing an Indian casino. What are the odds? I guess his brother's Indian name is 'Keno Sabe Bustamante.'

Letterman: "A couple of days ago Arnold Schwarzenegger is campaigning in Long Beach and someone throws an egg on him. Not to be outdone, earlier today, Lieutenant Governor had someone pelt him with a Spanish omelette.

Conan: "A lot of people are very upset over an interview Arnold Schwarzenegger gave in the 1970's, in which he bragged about having group sex. Arnold said this is a good thing, because it shows he has experience finishing first in large groups."

[ September 08, 2003, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: DCBucky ]

Bill Maher: "I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger: What does he know? And when will he know it?"

Leno: "According to the latest poll out just two hours ago, 55% of Californians support recalling Governor Gray Davis. 56% if you count Cruz Bustamante. That's the big story. Lieutenant Governor Cruz Brutus-Amante no longer asking people to vote no on the recall. Now he's just asking people to vote for him. He's breaking with Davis and going after Davis' job and Gray Davis is so angry today, he took away Bustamante's driver's license."

Letterman: "Peter Ueberroth was running for governor and now he has dropped out. The viable candidate drops out. Now, the guy who makes his living pretending to kill people, he's still in."

Jon Stewart: "We don't know if Gray Davis will be recalled. And we don't who will replace him if he is. But what we do know is that no matter what happens on October 7th, California's statewide political calamity is hilarious."

Bill Maher: "Now out here in California Arnold Schwarzenegger observed a moment of silence -- which was a big boost to his campaign.

But actually he did a get a big boost to his campaign because Eunice Kennedy Shriver said he's not a womanizer. Of course, by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge"

Conan: "Big news out of California, a judge in California ruled that the state must postpone their recall election until March of next year, after hearing this Gary Coleman was thrilled and said this means he could be in the news for two years in a row."

Leno: "As you know yesterday a federal appeals court postponed the Oct 7th re-election or as Gray Davis calls it 'a stay of execution.'

The election is now put off until March, now supporters are asking the U.S. Supreme Court to get involved and if the U.S. Supreme Court gets involved you know what that means ... the next Governor of California is George W. Bush.

Gray Davis and former President Bill Clinton campaigned at the Mexican Independance Day festival over the weekend, and Davis brought a pinata stuffed with drivers licenses."

Jon Stewart: "Yesterday the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals voted three to nothing to postpone the October 7th recall election because six counties in California cannot replace their outmoded punch card voting machines in time. Darrell Issa, who financed the whole recall process in the first place ... the guy that used an obscure recall law and his own money to bankroll the petition drive to recall the governor eight months after he was elected ... is upset about someone hijacking the electoral process. I've said it before and I will say it again, do they think we are retarded?"

from last week:

Leno: "Welcome to Terminator 4: The Rise of the Voting Machines. This delay will help Governor Gray Davis, because the longer this is delayed the more Democrats will come out, see I don't understand that. What are Democrats like jazz musicians, late all the time?.

The court said they stopped the recall because the punch card is way too confusing, you take the card and punch it, what part of that don't people understand -- if you can't figure out how to punch the hole, maybe you shouldn't be voting in the first place.

When Ariana Huffington heard that the election was postponed, she said 'does that mean I can stop paying taxes again?'

Al Gore is coming to California to help the Gray Davis campaign, they are pretty good team -- Al Gore and Gray Davis -- you put those two together and you almost have a personality, kinda like Yanni going on tour with John Tesh.

Earlier in the week, Governor Gray Davis and former president Bill Clinton made a joint appearance at an elementary school here in Los Angeles, actually kind of embarassing -- Davis lost all of the kids lunch money and Clinton had sex with their teacher."

Conan: "This week an appeals court in California ordered that the recall election for governor be postponed until March. The court did this to give Arnold more time to pronounce California."

Leno: "They had the big debates tonight, with Arnold and Cruz, and they get the questions beforehand. Even Miss America contestants don't get the questions beforehand. It's like Jeopardy for dumb people. But Arnold Schwarzenegger said that as governor he would offer a tax amnesty, to which Arianna Huffington said 'Hey you got my vote'."

Conan: "Just two weeks before California's recall election, nude photos of Arnold Schwarzenegger have surfaced that could be embarrassing. The surprising part is that Arnold's penis is bigger than Gary Coleman. But hey, they're both used to different strokes."

Letterman:
"Earlier tonight, there was a debate of the California gubernatorial candidates. This was the first debate that Arnold Schwarzenegger participated in and he insisted that the final segment be 'clean and jerk'."

Top 10 Ways Arnold Schwarzenegger Prepared for the Debate
10. Bribed moderator not to call on him.
9. Drew inspiration from the wise words of Chuck Norris.
8. Soothed his nerves with a gin-and-protein-powder martini.
7. Asked campaign staff to devise new and exciting ways to mangle the English language.
6. Prepare? Only wimps prepare.
5. Watched George W. Bush debate highlights, did the opposite.
4. Boned up on issues facing California with six-episode marathon of "The O.C."
3. Attempted to travel forward in time to see what he was about to do wrong.
2. Brushed up on topics he doesn't know much about -- Education, budget deficits, welfare, tax policy, immigration laws and corporate fraud.
1. "Oiled his glutes," if you know what I mean.

Conan: "Last night during the California gubernatorial debate, Arianna Huffington accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of not treating women well. Huffington may have a point because Arnold's response was 'shut up bitch.'"

Leno: "As you know last night the California Ship of Fools made its maiden voyage. It got pretty raucous. The crowd started to get out of control a couple of times. Luckily the security guard, Gary Coleman, was able to calm down the crowd.

Was it me or was there some weird sexual tension between Arianna Huffington and Arnold? Just get a room you too. And Arianna kept interrupting Arnold, attacking Arnold. Now I know why her husband turned gay.

The big rumor that she alluded to this last night -- that there are naked pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger floating around left over from his bodybuilding days -- how awful for Arnold. What was he Mr. Universe seven times, if it was me, I would be handing out the pictures. Let's just hope there are no naked pictures of Cruz Bustamante.

A lot of people wanted to know why Mary Carey, the porn star, wasn't there. She was there. You couldn't see her because of that new law in L.A. that strippers have to stay at least 6 feet from guys, so she was off camera.

The one thing all the candidates did agree on, is they wanted to make California business friendly as opposed to what it is now, illegal immigrant and celebrity murderer friendly.

Letterman: "Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration -- going back and forth -- finally Immigration came in and hauled them both away.

Jon Stewart: "With the election less than two weeks away, and public interest actually going away as well, Californians got the chance to witness a debate They probably shouldn't have laid out their specific visions all at once. So, congratulations, actually, to Florida. You're no longer our most damning national embarrassment. Perhaps you can have a wet t-shirt contest to celebrate.

For those of you who missed it, Huffington slammed Schwarzenegger for his treatment of women. It was clearly a personal attack and one that did not go unnoticed by the moderator. So, Arnold chooses to dispell rumors of misogyny by implying that he will kill Arianna Huffington in his next movie. Excellent!"

Letterman: "How much longer do you think California will be open? Arnold Schwarzenegger is too beefy to be a governor. That is why Janet Reno didn't win in Florida. Now it looks like he will win -- double digits ahead of the next competitor in the recall election. Arnold Schwarzenegger is so confident he is having group sex again."

Leno: "One week from today, the next recall begins! Governor Gray Davis visited a retirement center in West L.A. I'm not sure if he was campaigning or looking for a place to live after next week.

Reports say Arianna Huffington is threatening to drop out. It's like Saddam Hussein threatening to commit suicide.

When Cruz Bustamante got his college degree in 2003, turns out he received credit for a class he never attended. I never knew he played football for Ohio State.

Letterman: "Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material. The L.A Times accuses him of groping six women and out of habit, Hillary Clinton forgave him."

Jon Stewart: "With less than a week left in the campaign, Independent Arianna Huffington bowed to her poll numbers and dropped out of the California governor's race on Tuesday. Unfortunately, saying no to Arnold Schwarzenegger makes him hornier.

Schwarzenegger's relations with women have been an issue through out this campaign and it's under scrutiny again. After a story in today's Los Angeles Times containing allegations of six women who came into contact with the actor over last 30 years -- three described incidents in which Schwarzenegger grabbed their breasts, a fourth said he reached under her skirt and grabbed her buttocks, a fifth claimed he tried to remove her bathing suit in an elevator, while a sixth told of a bizarre request involving her vagina. That's how it was described in the L.A. Times. I wish that was our phrasing, I wish we came up with the phrase, 'bizarre vagina request.' We believe it was a cross between gynecological exam and a wine tasting."

Leno: "Less than a week and the election will be over, the recall behind us. The most embarrassing thing about California once again will be the San Diego Chargers.

What do you call a Californian that can't figure out how to punch a ballot? A Florida voter.

Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands on governor.

Six women over thirty years. Or as Clinton calls it, 'Thursday'.

Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?

Of course, all the other candidates are jumping on this. Like today, Cruz Bustamante said that during the debate he caught Arnold staring at his cleavage.

Governor Gray Davis doesn't have these problems. Today, he said he hasn't even groped his own wife.

On 'Larry King,' Arianna Huffington said she will devote 100 percent of her time to make sure Arnold loses the next election. In fact, she has come up with a sure fire way to ruin his campaign: She is going to endorse him.

Gray Davis' popularity is plummeting. Today he called a prisoner to pardon him, and he wouldn't take the call.

Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante just got his bachelor's degree from Fresno State. Like most college grads his prospects look bleak."

Conan: "Arnold Schwarzenegger is in some trouble. Today, the Los Angeles Times broke a story that quoted six women who claimed that Arnold Schwarzenegger sexually harassed them. When asked about it, President Clinton said 'six? That's not enough experience to be governor.'

A couple of hours ago, Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for behaving badly and said that from now on he would be more respectful to women. In fact, he promised in the next Terminator, instead of saying 'I'll be back', he will say 'You're not fat.'"

Craig Kilborn: "Everyone here in L.A. is talking about 'The Handler.' Not the TV show, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently, six women claim that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them while working on his movies. Hats off to these women who admit they worked on Arnold's movies.

More big news, today Gray Davis held a press conference to admit that he once locked a woman in a hotel room and unbuttoned his top shirt button

In today's NY Times (MIB should get a kick out of the refs to a certain Chicago figure):



It's by Grant Gallico, Copyright NY Times, 2003.

[ October 06, 2003, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: fantomas ]

Letterman: "Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration."

Conan: "Earlier today Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for groping several women's breasts. In a related story, Gary Coleman apologized for groping several women's ankles. In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women he groped and admitted he acted badly, also acting badly in all of his movies."

Leno: "Four more days until we find out if there is going to be a Terminator 4.

Six women have come forward to say that Arnold groped them. The good news is that today Bill Clinton is now endorsing him.

This woman who now claims Arnold groped her 30 years ago -- now coming forward -- 30 years ago, or as the L.A. Times calls it, 'breaking news.' Arnold told her he'd liked to 'cruz her bustamante.'

The smear campaign continues. Today, there were allegations that Arnold once admired Hitler. The odd thing is that Hitler is now three points ahead of Gray Davis in the polls. Arnold said he was never a fan of Hitler. Today, Pat Buchanan said, 'He lost my vote.'

So desperate for attention today, Cruz Bustamante fondled himself.

Mary Carey, the porn star candidate, she says she will raise money in L.A. by taxing breast implants. She says that any L.A. women with natural breasts will be tax exempt. See, I like that, she's reaching out to minorities."

Letterman: "Even though we don't live in California are you excited about the recall election tomorrow? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'

The L.A. Times reported that Arnold groped six women -- two more women and he is an honorary priest"

Leno: "Today is Yom Kippur, the day set aside for atonement, except here in California. It's the day set aside for libel, slander, and defamation of character.

I'm still not sure who to vote for: you got Arnold who groped a few women, or Davis who screwed the whole state.

Today, Arnold revealed his health care plan -- every woman gets a free breast exam. Now I know why they call this election a recall -- suddenly women are going, 'Yeah I know he touched me 30 years ago, I'm just recalling it now.' More allegations came out today, turns out he was at a Democratic fundraiser that his wife Maria made him go to. And I guess as Arnold reached under the table to touch a woman, he felt Clinton's hand coming from the other side and they locked.

While campaigning on Saturday Arnold made a surprise visit to an 'in and out burger.' See this is where you need advisors. If I was Arnold after these allegations, I would avoid all places called 'in and out.'

People are really split on this. Jamie Lee Curtis said that when they made the movie 'True Lies,' Arnold was a perfect gentlemen, although Tom Arnold said he did grab his breasts.

Gray Davis told reporters that Arnold's behavior towards women warrants a criminal investigation and then he had to leave to go meet Clinton for a campaign rally. ... Arnold is not the only one. Six inflatable women claim they were groped by Cruz Bustamante.

Do you know what Gray Davis is going to be for Halloween? Unemployed."

from last night:

Letterman: "This morning Schwarzenegger tried to expand his lead by groping minorities.

According to the census bureau, in the last five years, the population of California has decreased by 250,000 -- in the last five years, a quarter of a million people have left California. Hey wait until tomorrow.

A guy living in a studio apartment has a 400 pound tiger, and what do you need to go with a 400 pound tiger? An alligator. The cops were tipped off by the parrot. Here's how they were able to get the tiger out of the apartment. They crept upstairs through the upstairs window and able to shoot the tiger with tranquilizer darts and then they trap him in a net and haul him off -- it's the same method they use to get Arnold Schwarzenegger off movie sets"

Leno: "Today, of course, is the election here in California or as we call it -- The People's Choice Awards. If you love the recall, you'll love the recount. They say this may be the largest number of people who have voted in California since 'American Idol.' Not since Ruben and Clay have we seen this much interest in the system.

Tonight Davis will find out if he still has a job in Sacramento and Gary Coleman will find out if he still has a job at the mall.

Voting in Beverly Hills is so strange. My polling place is also a tanning booth. You actually punch the ballot with a botox needle. The big thing now is the touch-screen voting machines. The good thing about those is that you get to touch Arnold for a change.

On talk radio, they have been comparing Clinton and Schwarzenegger. What's the difference between the Clinton women and the Schwarzenegger women. Oh, I'll tell you the difference, about 200 pounds.

I'm not sure Arnold has learned from this controversy. Today on the campaign trail, Arnold kissed a baby while it was still breast feeding.

Cruz Bustamante went to the voting booth and pull the lever to shut the curtain and won a 25K jackpot. Now there are charges against Green Party candidate Peter Camejo. Apparently 25 years ago he groped a tree. He claims he was just hugging the tree. The tree claims he was pulling on the limbs. That's one thing about Cruz Bustamante. You never heard these charges against him. I think the only breast that he has ever fondled has been in a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken."

Jon Stewart: "Polls have just closed out there, no announcement has been made officially, but let's face it, Schwarzenegger crushed everyone. He's the next governor of California. He defeated a man that was made of metal, I didn't think Gray Davis stood a chance -- but it's not official so we will go along with this 'charade,' this exercise of waiting to 'find out'"

Conan: "In his last day of campaigning, Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized for groping women in his past. He said 'What can I say, it was the 70s, 80s and 90s.'

One of the candidates, adult film actress Mary Carey, said if she doesn't win the recall vote. She will go back to making porno films. Even more disturbing, Gary Coleman said the same thing.

... and finally, Letterman's Top 10 Possible California Newspapers Headlines for Tomorrow

10. 135-Way Tie Throws State Into Confusion.
9. Gray Davis Fails To Convince Self To Vote For Self.
8. Governor Gary Coleman Names Lieutenant Governor Urkel.
7. Recall Election Just Elaborate "Punk'd" Prank.
6. Dejected Comedian Gallagher Takes Sledgehammer To Own Head.
5. Screw The Recall, How Did the Cubs And the Red Sox Get in the Playoffs?
4. Millions of Californians Move To Nevada.
3. Confused Al Gore Demands Recount.
2. Bush Reminds Nation: "You Can't Recall a President."
1. Maria To Arnold: "Why Don't You Ever Grope Me?"

Fantomas, that was frickin' hilarious!!!

Thanks for a good laugh!

Letterman: "How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.

Well it's official, Florida is no longer the dumbest state in the U.S. I stayed up and watched all 129 concession speeches. The recall election is over and the good news is soon we will be able to withdraw our troops from California. California is a strange state, 18 percent of Californians voted for the Taliban candidate.

People say 'Arnold we don't know where you stand on the issues.' He said, 'Don't worry, I will clear everything up on my new weekly Sunday affairs' show, 'Grope the Press'"

Conan: "Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California. During his acceptance speech Arnold said 'I will not let you down.' Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress.

In a speech after the election, Arnold said 'I came here with absolutely nothing and California has given me absolutely everything.' Meanwhile, Gary Coleman said 'I came here with nothing and I still have nothing.'"

Leno: "Arnold was declared the winner just one minute after the polls closed -- at 8:01. So see that Florida, at least we can count! We can now tell every other state that our governor can kick your governor's ass.

Today, Arnold announced that his first official act as governor is deporting Arianna Huffington.

President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was bad.'

Now the recall is over, my wife made me take down my 'Mary Carey for Governor' sign in my front yard.

Former Governor Gray Davis spent the day revoking the driver licenses for all the illegal aliens who didn't vote for him. It's very hard for Gray Davis to compete against a Hollywood personality. Two reasons: he's not from Hollywood and he has no personality.

Cruz Bustamante lost so badly his Indian nickname is 'Custer.' He said he is going to cooperate with Arnold, his theory is, if you can't lick 'em, join 'em. And Mary Carey's is if you can't join 'em, lick 'em.

Craig Kilborn: "Well, well, well, the people of California have spoken and we have said 'We are all on drugs.' I guess now that the recall is over, L.A. can go back to doing what we do best, plastic surgery and watching car chases.

Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ass cheek.

And, Letterman's Top 10 Ways California Would be Different if I, Gary Coleman, Had Been Elected Governor
(as read by Gary Coleman)

10. Pretty much the same as Schwarzenegger, but less body oil.
9. Three words: Lieutenant Governor Urkel.
8. Thanks to my innocent charm, I'd get away with 60% more groping.
7. I guess I'd have to quit my job as a security guard.
6. You may not agree with me, but at least you could understand me.
5. Inaugural address would have a laugh track.
4. Television viewers wouldn't know if they were watching C-SPAN or Nick at Nite.
3. Wouldn't have to worry about me having to take time off to do movies.
2. I would form a task force to find out exactly what Willis was talking about.
1. Unlike Schwarzenegger, I would admit I'm not qualified

Letterman: "Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator."

Slowly, Arnold begins to learn the role of \"elected official\"...