Obviously, all of you know it is World AIDS Day and hopefully, many of us are wearing red ribbons. I do not because I forgot mine at home.

HOWEVER, the World AIDS Day web site has questions to see if you are prejudice of people who have the HIV virus. It is fascinating and a little heartbreaking as well.

What do you think?

I have a very good friend who is HIV+ and I have a satin red ribbon taped onto my computer monitor every day. Anyone who comes into or passes by my office sees it.

I tired to get in to the link, Allen, but they are obviously swamped there, so I'll try later in the week.

My first real boyfriend, Robert, died a hideous death from AIDS in 1994, at the age of 30. A part of me died inside when he did and I've never been quite the same since. I used to just break down in sobbing tears on his birthday (August 14) and the date of his death (September 16), but for the first time, last year I completely forgot about those dates until about a month after they had both happened. Time heals, I guess, but it's a scar that'll never completely heal.

I am 48 years old & HIV negative. My partner died in 1994 from AIDS. A couple of years back, I started to date again. At first my experiences were dismal. I met guys who had no idea of their 'status', and no regard for mine. It was such a turn off. And then I went online to meet guys. Pretty much the same thing. But I decided to take a chance. I would ask HIV+ guys out. I made them aware of my status, and found most were keenly respectful. I have found quality guys and quality sex with the HIV+ set. I wonder why? TRL

I think this is a very difficult question to honestly answer for any HIV neg. gay man. Is acting in one's best interest by not having sex with poz guys a prejudiced act? We can use all kinds of words that prove to ourselves we're not prejudiced - but in the end our actions say it all.

I know for myself there are things I will do with neg guys that I won't do with poz guys. I'd like to say that that is just common sense, survival sense, but knowing there are different rules makes this a hard question to answer.

I have no problem with guys who are HIV+ in fact I work with many of them at work and its a gift to work with people others may shun or not like to work with.

I don't have a problem with someone who is HIV+ and open about it. I do have a problem if someone is HIV+ and does not disclose that with a sexual partner. "You didn't ask" just isn't an excuse, no matter how safe or careful you are.

I'm HIV-, lost two boyfriends to AIDS, but I have no problem with HIV+ men and if I were single would date one. HIV is the problem, unsafe sex is.

I think it would be more effective if advertising were more direct. It boggles the mind that there are people who still put themselves at risk/have unsafe sex. Same with anti-drug messages. You could scare a lot of people into avoiding the disease by being a lot more honest about its consequences. It may be painful for people who are HIV+ to hear gloom and doom messages, but it would save a lot of lives. Not discounting the validity of "how to live with it" messages, just annoyed at how weak the "how to avoid it" ads are.

As in: You, and only you, should be responsible for what happens to you. Don't have unsafe sex. It could kill you. Don't sleep around. Have as few sexual partners as possible. Don't trust anyone--always use a condom. If you're going to be a catcher, you're at a greater risk and should be mindful of how safe your partner is. This is what death from AIDS looks like. Is it worth the one encounter?

Am I HIV prejudiced? I suppose not. But you'd have to be really, really hot...just kidding. Besides, I'm in love and I can't imagine being with someone else.

There's a mean side of me that gets angry at the thought of HIV+ people infecting others. Yeah, I know that some don't know they are infecting others, but come on. It's almost 2004 already; if you're not celibate and you don't get tested often enough, then you're a potential menace.

[ December 03, 2003, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: TomFord ]

For Worlds AIDS Day there was a community forum here in Boston. Sadly, I must report that I walked away feeling dumbfounded at the fact that every single elected official, pastor, and "community leader" given the microphone advocated preaching abstinence over harm reduction (condom use, needle exchange). Only one mentioned gay men. So Yes, I'd say a resounding yes that folks are very much still HIV prejudiced. The sentiment that "you got what you deserve for being immoral" seems to pervade. Most disturbing is the fact that nearly all the speakers were people of color.

Both my ex and my closest friend are positive, and I support them both 100%.

Can someone explain what the testing process is like? I want to get tested, but I don't know if I need to make an appointment, just go to the clinic, if there is a fee or donation required, how the test is done, are there needles, is it better to go to a clinic or to my regular doctor, etc.

I've always been safe, but I'm recently single and would like to know for sure.

Stinger, I'm an HIV tester, and you've got more options than ever before now. If needles aren't your dish, an Orasure test is available which takes a swab of saliva between your cheek and gums. Most places offer free testing. All tests should be confidential. There should be drop in hours at clinics. Good luck!

I met a guy from an online dating service. He was the guitarist is a local queercore band. Cute as all hell. We met on a date and clicked big time. We ended up in my car making out like teenagers, but didn't go further. So, we date some more and finally, it's time to get naked. As we head up to his apartment, he tells me he's poz. I froze: a million things went through my mind but one of the biggest ones was "Why didn't you tell me this BEFORE I started ramming my tongue down your throat?". Slightly irrational, chances of converting from just saliva are akin to the chances of winning the lottery, but still. I ended up having (safe) sex with him and it was awful; I felt like I was having sex with The Grim Reaper. Again, irrational, I know, obviously in my sex club days I'd had anonymous sex with poz guys but still.

We talked a few days after that and I was honest, I told him I couldn't do it, it just played with my head too much. I desperately wanted to remain friends with him but he cut me out. What a drag.

There was a plotline on Queer as Folk where Ben reveals to Michael that he's poz and Michael had the reaction I did, he freaked. I went to an event with the whole cast the week after that episode aired and during the Q&A this guy stood up and tore in to the cast and producers, saying stuff like "You've insulted the entire positive community by making it seem that being positive is like being a pariah" etc. It got really heated; the guy was shouted down by a large portion of the audience. The cast were stunned. Hal Sparks (Michael) then tore in to the guy and said "You haven't even seen where the storyline goes, how can you make a judgement based on one scene?". Turns out Michael stays with Ben. It's a very touchy area but I'll only date guys who are negative (though them being truthful about status is a whole other can of worms).

I'm being brutually honest here ...

For some reason, when I was little I knew I would be around people w/ HIV. I really never knew why.

Ryan White was my hero when I was little. He was different in his school (like I was) and he fught for what he believed in. I was completely heart broken when he passed away.

I remember watching Pedro on "The Real World" and learning that he died. I cried along w/ everyone else.

Coming out, my Mom thought I would get AIDS becasue I am gay. I told her that anyone (gay or str8) can get AIDS, not just me.

I hooked up w/ this big brute and, I'l be honest, barebacked. I was on ecstasy and he was too. The next day, he told me that he is positive. It's been over 2 years since the incident and I am still HIV negative.

I met a great friend in a bathhouse in Chicago - the most attractive guy you can meet and he is HIV positive. We played safely and, like in the previous paragraph, I am still HIV negative. Oh, my friend is 25 yrs old.

I've dated my fair share of guys that are positive. Thing didn't work out because our personalities just didn't work out. Most of them are still friends.

There are guys here that I never knew they were positive until they told me. Most of them are afraid to tell others because they would be discriminated, not even close friends and families. It's crazy.

I would still date positive guys. Sex would just be with a condom on all the time. Why should I discriminate HIV+ guys?? They are just guys.

[ December 03, 2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: Allen ]

I wouldn't say I'm prejudiced. It's more like I know that condoms aren't 100% effective, and having that (tiny) risk scares the bejeezus out of me. Sorry, but I don't think that dying just because I wanted to have a little fun with a guy is a fair trade-off.

It is interesting to see how people look at this question. Some people think it is discriminating against a person, some people think it is discriminating against the disease.

If you change the name of the disease to something else that can be transmitted sexually, it seems a lot less harmless....gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, hepatitis B... they don't kill on the basic level, but left untreated they can all have their long term issues...it is still a disease spready sexually... and the person SHOULD tell you about it.

It isn't because they have HIV: its because they have a medical condition that can effect me. So yes, I would most likely not have a sexual relationship with someone with HIV- but it doesnt mean that I cannot have an intimate relationship with them. Sex is not everything- and there are ways to be intimate not requiring high risk- but I would not engage in some of the more dangerous behaviors. Its just not healthy and its my body- I deserve to have that respected as I respect others.

Over the summer, I met an incredibly cute guy at the GLBT tennis league. We clicked immediately, hung out all the time ... just had a great friendship. Things were starting to develop and one night, out of the blue, he let know that he was HIV+. I was taken aback, not because I was concerned about contracting the disease through casual contact or anything of that sort, but because I had never known anyone who was HIV+. (I live such a sheltered life.) We talked a bit about the situation and I thought that he was a great guy, so I didn't think twice about maintaing our friendship. However, once things started to become sexual, I told him that I was a bit apprehensive about the situation, he lost interest and our friendship ended soon afterwards. C'est la vie.

In any event, I don't have any problem being friends or even dating someone who was HIV+, but I wouldn't feel comfortable about letting things go past the point of casual contact because I know about the reprocussions of the disease.

Nick

Allen, your post reminds me so much of a friend of mine's ex-lover. He also barebacked with a guy while he was on ecstasy--only he contracted HIV. I guess it's better in a way that he told you afterward than to never tell you at all (since you could spread it to others), but damn--I would have spent a year in hell waiting for your test results.

More recently, another friend had two friends who were casually involved. Friend A is HIV+, but had not disclosed his status, friend B is--so far as is known--is not. Friend B wanted to bareback--with Friend A as a top. Friend A refused, but still didn't disclose his status...

All my experience with HIV is second hand. I've never had anyone close to me with it, never dated anyone who had it (to my knowledge, at least). I suspect I might very well react like Jim and Hammerman did, so I understand why people who are HIV+ might fear to disclose that. And I totally understand why the guys Jim and Hammerman met didn't want to see them anymore, too. But looking at someone as a prospective relationship (and I'm not much into casual hook-ups), I do want someone with whom I can have anal sex. I never barebacked even with a partner I had for four years who told me he was negative. Actually, I've only been with one guy who wanted to bareback (I was shocked). But even with a condom, I'd be too frightened with someone who was positive.

I have many friends that have AIDS and I have also lost many friends to AIDS. I have no problem interacting with people that are positive or that may have AIDS.

A lot of people tell me they've never met anyone who has AIDS. I tell them they probably have, they just don't know it.

I have actually dated some guys who were HIV+, although the relationships were not long (their brevity was not because of the HIV status, however). Things did get sexual, but we always used protection, or concentrated on completely safe activities (well, deep kissing is still a small risk, but there has only been one case even assumed to be just from kissing). So far, so good, and I know many couples that have been positive/negative, and haven't contracted, which gave me some comfort.

Don't get me wrong, being tested after these relationships (or during them) has been nerve-wracking, and I still technically have about 3 months to wait to be tested again, but I have no reason to believe that anything went wrong.