Hi All

I just wanted to see if there was some advice that I could get from the group. I have been with my partner for 4 years. Things are good nearly every day and we enjoy each others company even though we are quite different. One difference that does cause some friction is that I prefer to do lots of activities and he is more of a homebody. We moved up to DC at the beginning of 2005 and so it has taken some time to get settled in. Now that I am, I would like to get out and enjoy the outdoors and I have started playing rugby again. But the hubby is not keen on me being gone alot to do all of this extracurricular stuff. Does anyone have some advice from their own lives on how to strike a reasonable balance between one partner who likes getting out and about with varied interests and lots of energy and the other who would like to stay close to home and use the weekends to "recharge". Thanks.

I am a homebody/nester who likes to spend my weekends close to home to "recharge". The whole issue is compromise. I have had relationships with social extroverts. I have no prolem with him wanting to go out and do other activities, nor do I have a problem with occaisionally participating in these activities. But I also ask that he occaionally spend some time with me at home as well. I ran into the problem where he wanted to spend the entire weekend out and about, and I wanted some time at home. I also was the one who was perfectly happy to be alone, where he felt like if he was with someone he wanted them there with him.

We got into a fight one time where I suggested we take seperate cars. That way I could spend some time out with him, but then when I tired I could go home to "recharge" and he could continue playing. He felt this looked bad and that we weren't being a "real" couple.

If your situation was like mine were your relationship requires one or both of you require to be together all the time, then you are going to be in trouble. However if you can reach an agreement on how to split your time then it will work. This requires talking to each other, and involves much more than just working out a schedule. There are reasons behind why one likes to stay home and the other does not.

For me I like to shut the world off on the weekend. I don't want to deal with social interaction and want to only spend time with a few close people. I want to be inside myself. I want my partner to understand about the amount of work it requires me to go out and be social. It is not natural for me, but I am willing to do it, but please give me credit and understanding for doing it. My home is my retreat it is what I need to stay sane.

If both of you can understand each others needs then you have a good chance of coming to some compromise.

[ August 09, 2005, 05:54 AM: Message edited by: kujhawker ]

Well said kujhawker.

d.c sports geek, my previous relationship (11 years) we pretty much did everything together---not so much because we agreed to that but because we felt obligated to. At 1st it was ok. But over the years it took it's toll. We were young, naive, inexperienced in relationships, & just plain insecure.

My current relationship is the opposite. We understand that we don't have to do the same things together each weekend. So we have an agreement where if one of us really wants to do something then we allow the other to go (usually w/ friends). But we have an agreement that if one of us wants to be out & about all weekend long then that's not kosher. What I find works best for us is we compromise. Sometimes, as long as we have the physical & mental energy, we may attend/do something that the other partner wants us to do & we say, "I would really like you there w/ me." But I wouldn't expect that if it's to attend your rugby games every weekend. Maybe if you make championship & you'd like him to attend that particular game. Then he SHOULD make an effort if you've asked him to. That's my advice

Comprmise is pretty much the key word for everything in a relationship, but so is security, at least for me. Me and my lover are somewhat in the same situation. I am always out doing something or even more often playing a tennis tournament somewhere on the weekends. He is totally fine with it and says he is just glad I can pursue something that I have so much passion for. We spend a lot of time together all week and on the weekend nights, but during the day usually not. That's when I think its good to have your own lives and be really secure and happy with that and then when you come back together you have lots to talk about! When everyone can pursue what makes them happy it's just a huge plus for the happiness of the marriage, at least in my opinion. That said, I try to not go too crazy with it because not only do i want to be sensitive to him even when he doesn't ask me to be home or do more with him, I also want to be with him. So its just balance and compromise and seeing what works for you.

So many times in these situations, it's not really the presenting issue that's the problem. It is what's underlying. Maybe he's feeling a bit left out, or not a part of that part of your life. Maybe he's worried that you might meet someone new with more of the same interests. However real or irrational this may be, it seems like there is more than just "I want to spend more time with you".

Of course...I could be way off base here since I don't know you or your partner, and I basically haven't had the best relationships myself. wink

It's cliched to say, but communication is the key. And I say having a partner who wants to spend too much time with you is a good problem to have.

My boyfriend of the past year loves to go out and party all night long. I myself would at most want to have two drinks and then go home, or just not go out all-together, so it was an issue for us. Usually, I would go with him and then leave if it got too late for me and he'd stumble home much later, usually around five in the morning. Everyone's right, compromise is the key, and you just have to try different methods of coping with it until you find what works for you.

That said, my boyfriend had to go back to Canada at the end of May, so we're separated now. I'd give anything to be dragged out to a club for all night dancing with him these days. So, go out, have fun, enjoy your boyfriend's company! The more you go out, the more leverage you have for those times when you seriously don't want to leave the house anyway.

How about trying to incorporate a little bit of each others activities into what the other wants to do?

If he is a home body, plan a good chunk of time on gardening, home repair projects, Cycling to that farmers market etc that involve him in building a nest for the two of you, but will allow you to keep active at home.

If you are into competitive sports, and enjoy traveling for that, get him to go along by suggesting other activities on the trip, like craft shows, estate sales to pick up some nice things for the house, or some scheduled time at a remote in for some private time.

It may be that your partner is mildly jealous of activities that he doesn't have an interest in, that take you away from him. Try getting him to go along the next trip by asking him to go to a special concert with you in black tie, then getting a ridiculously luxurious hotel room with a couple bottles of bubbly and a lot of time for him. Involve him in the trip so that he isn't stuck on the sidelines, bored, with his @#$%^ up his ^&*. Research the area you are going to, so that you can find activities that would interest HIM.

Rob

Well, there's a saying: "There are those who sleep with the window open, and those who sleep with the window closed...and each other is who they marry."

This is something I had to deal with early on in our relationship. My partner thought that, seeing as we were partners and all, we had to do everything together. My theory was that we shared some things, but not others. I probably picked that up from watching my parents, who are supportive but not active in each other's hobbies. But yeah, we had to reach a compromise. I'm now more involved in his hobbies than I would be were I left to my own devices, but he doesn't freak out if I'm doing something without him, either.

Here's something that helped us a lot, if you can swing it. I changed my schedule so that I have two days off a week - one coincides with his, one doesn't. So I spend my "alone" day off doing my own thing, and then spend the other day with him.

LXN

If you don't want him,I'll take him.
I'm lonely! wink

[ August 10, 2005, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: eddiecat ]

me and my partner so alot of things together. First off because we know the other one enjoys certain things etc. i play alot of softball thru out the year. Summer sundays the entire day for me is spent playing ball. he will come to one or two games or just one. the rest of the day is his to hang out and do what he wants to do....i would rather have him come do something with me becasue he enjoys it as opposed to him coming to support me and then being bored or unhappy, because then i spend the entire time focused on him.... i had that in the last relationship where the psycho would come to softball games merely to keep an eye on me. to make sure i wasnt doing somethig i shouldnt have been. even after we broke up he still would come to the games to keep an eye on me......

me and my current partner do thing seperatly but spend as much time together as we can, because we want to. but like tonight. he is having dinner with a friend while i am off to softball practice...but last night we had dinner together, walked the dogs went to the gym all together....I think as has been said. You need to find a balance between being together and doing things seperatly...a big part of it is trust. i would never go out and spend an entire weekend out unless that was ok with my partner.

And to think I considered ending a hetero- relationship for a gay one because I thought I would have to deal with less arguments and headaches. haha I guess it's the same no matter what!!!!

thanks guys for your thoughts and sharing your experiences....i really appreciate it and if anyone else has some wisdom please share!