Hey everyone...

I need some advice. My boyfriend, as I mentioned before, is in college now, and it's tough for me to deal with.

It's more than that though. First of all, he drinks in college, which shouldn't be that shocking to me. But it really is; he never drank in high school. I really thought that not drinking was something that we had in common.

Secondly, he's changed a lot since he left for college. One of the reasons why we were first attracted is because we can both watch a soccer game or basketball game, and then switch over to watching HGTV or the Food Network or something. I guess what I mean is that we were neither stereotypically gay nor straight.

But since he's been in college, he's not been the same. He has decided that wearing makeup is cool, and he has taken an interest in girls' jeans. There is nothing wrong with that, but I'm not attracted to guys with makeup who wear girls' jeans. And his reasons for doing so also leave me very, very confused.

He came home this weekend, and he told me he might be kinda busy. However, I never expected that he would be so busy that he couldn't do anything with me. We were supposed to go to the mall together, but he decided he wanted to go right when I had a meeting for soccer. I decided to skip the meeting, but as I was just getting into my car to leave he sent me a text message saying he couldn't come right away because he needed to help his mom (they were having a party). I decided to go to the bookstore; after being there for an hour, I called him and he said he probably wouldn't be able to come. I was upset, but really not angry...

I'm just so confused though. I'm still excited to talk to him, but he never calls me anymore. When we do talk online, anytime I say something flirtatious or cute, he just laughs.

I think on one hand I need to talk to him, but on the other hand, I'm deathly afraid of what might happen. We've been dating for 10 months and he really means a lot to me.

Any advice would be much appreciated...

My advice: talk to him. Tie him down and ask him some tough questions (I think you have a few in mind).

Just keep in mind that everyone changes, and especially so when they go away to college for their first year. It's a whole new world that first year, complete with drinking and new friends, and while that doesn't make his change in behavior easier to take, hopefully this makes it easier to understand. Good luck.

I am not even close to being an expert on relationships but one thing is certain,college opens up a whole new world to someone who is used to much smaller parameters.Your boyfriend is probably discovering some new things about himself because college provides that kind of enviroment.I hope for your sake that you two don't drift apart but there is probably so much going on in his life right now that you are not his only priority anymore.Like it or not,you probably will have to discuss where your relationship is headed,just in case God forbid, things are really not the same anymore.Good luck!

Yes you should get together and talk but be aware that what you hear may not be what your hoping for.
It happens with young couples all the time, one goes to college and the other is still in high school. In college you develop new friends, new interests, new knowledge about yourself and the world and you tend to leave part of your old life behind. Sad to say but it happens all the time, no matter if you are gay or straight. Still he should be honest withn you and tell you what's going on in his life so that you aren't left wondering.

TALK TO HIM

It sounds like your BF is going through some identity changes. He may want to be more visibly out (make up & girls jeans)? If this bothers you, you might want to consider the possibility of ending your relationship?

College brings about alot of changes for people. Most people come out in college. It sounds like he's wants to be more flamboyant

You have two options...

1. Wait out this phase (if that's what it is) until the guy you knew returns.

2. Or, consider just being freinds that way you are both free to meet other people. Chances are he may have already met someone. That could explain the drastic change.

Either way, I think you should mentally prepare yourself for the possibility of a break up.

Judging from your post, I think may already be thinking that very thing?

It sucks, but people change when they go to college.

I'm going to echo the sentiments of everyone else. It may be tough, but you have to sit down and talk with him. Again, this may not have the outcome you desire most, but it will be the best in the long run.
Not saying this is happening or will happen to you, but I've seen college/high school relationships where the people drift apart but they try to hold on to it. It's just not a good situation for anyone.

Being young and "exploring" your sexuality is what you and he need to be doing right now. There are way too many fish in the sea to be tied down this early in your life.

Remember the old saying...if it was meant to be...

Basically the same as everybody else is saying. I'm a junior in college, and definitely have changed a lot since my senior year in high school. Talk to him. You don't know what he's really thinking until you talk to him.

As far as the makeup and girls jeans, the first thing that came to my mind was the "emo fad". Being really into music, this is pretty firmiliar to me (even though i can't stand that music). A lot of kids (especially high school and younger college kids) listen to the music classified as "emo". Along with that they do the whole makeup and girls jeans thing. Personally I can't stand that, but thats what I was reminded of when you mentioned the makeup and girls jeans.

Yep, and if goes metrosexual you know he's listening to indie music.


I do agree though, people change a lot. I bet you're going to change a lot next year as well metromathis, it's just one of those facts of life.

[ November 08, 2005, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Illini_fan ]

I'm thinking this may be what it is. He actually went to Halloween parties as an emo boy. But like that's one of the weird things...we used to make fun of people like that, and now he acts like one of them...I don't know...

I do need to talk to him, but I'm really scared to do it. I'm not even sure how to say what I'm thinking and feeling without sounding sanctimonious or judgemental... I was thinking about saying, "I understand that people really change in college, and deep down, I was hoping you wouldn't change. You have changed though, and you've become more open about being gay and made tons of new friends, all while doing all your work associated with college. Somewhere along the way, though, I fell further down your list of priorities. I don't want to say this is wrong, but I don't really like it. I understand it's something that happens a lot when people head off to college: their priorities change. But that leaves me in an awkward spot because I want to be number 1 in your life, but right now I can't..."

I'm not going to say anything quite yet. I want to get as much advice as possible, but it's just weird. I was in my government class today and I was thinking about him, and wondering if he even thought about me in class anymore...

People are just so confusing sometimes...

Good start. You may want to write that to him. I know it is no substitute for personal contact but it may give him a chance to think about his response rather than overly emotional and maybe less sincere.

Seems like you are not having a lot of luck talking to him anyhow.

It also gives you a chance to form both thoughts and words. I know e-mail is the way most communicate now, but an old-fashioned written letter can make an impression, and it might surprise him.

You could take it from there based on his response, or lack of it. But be prepared to allow for a change in your life if that's what it takes and things don't work out. As was mentioned, you're young. This is part of growth.

I think this is a good way to put it. And (as others have said) you should talk to him, and you should prepare yourself for the possibility that he won't give you the reply you would most like to hear. Also know that if that happens, it will hurt but time will heal, and you can always vent here when you need to.

It may not help, but older people are just as confusing sometimes.

Talk to him. Tell him exactly what you've written here. Being that he is now surrounded with new friends and experiences, it is normal for him to change and try different things.

You have to ask yourself why you care for him. If he's becoming something you're not interested in (makeup and wearing women's jeans), you have some decisions to make.

It's normal to be afraid of the idea that you may lose him. Just know that no matter how painful, it's better to live with the truth, than it is being unhappy and unsatisfied with someone you care about.

[ November 09, 2005, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: Jorel ]

Hey everyone-

I just thought you guys should be among the first to know what's happened tonight.

Joe and I talked tonight about how difficult our relationship is getting and how painful it is for the other. As a result, after much talking, we decided to end our relationship. It was a peaceful mutual agreement, and I'm nowhere near and upset as I thought I would be. I feel like this chapter of my life has closed. But instead of telling a bitter tale of anger, the last lines of this chapter discuss our love for each other and our commitment to each other.

It was hard to do, I'm not going to lie. But I feel like it was what I had to do if I truly love him. Like I wrote in a poem once, "Sometimes, love means letting go when all you want to do is hold tighter."

Thanks for everyone's support! I truly owe a lot to you guys!

I suppose I should stop trying to flirt with you now that you are available wink Yeah there's some 17 year Scotch in my soymilk for you, cheers. Your first heartache and you are not even old enough to get snockered legally. frown

You might find yourself getting upset or angry over it when you aren't expecting it. If that happens, just remember that things will get better. You're pretty level-headed so I have no doubt you'll be fine.

Erik, on the other hand, is a different story...
eek!

Joe, you cuddly snuggle bunny, have you tried some Glen Moran in your Edensoy Extra vaniila :confused: It is soooo smoooove. A half bottle of Scotch just pissadears. It must have been the underpants gnomes.

You're drinking scotch that's a year younger than I am?

And remember- it was drinking that first caused some tension between Joe and I lol. I'm not planning on getting drunk to make myself feel better...

And Joe, thanks for the compliment. I do feel ok about it right now. It's just odd because there are a lot of things in my life that involved him, and now he's not going to be that involved. I think the emotions will hit me in a few weeks- that's how it was when he went to college.

Edited to add:
Oh and Erik, no flirting with me. I don't want your bikes to feel like you're cheating on them

[ November 26, 2005, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: metromathis13 ]

Yeah an 18 year old twink in soymilk is definitely smooth and goes down easy. That is a alot of soy milk however. Yeah I am riding a Dunelt that I set-up as a gorgeous single-speed. It is older than I am. I hope I look that good when I am that old.

[ November 26, 2005, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: Erik G ]

Metro, sorry to hear about the break-up. Yeah, it sometimes takes a while to really hit ya. The worst is when you *juuuust* think you're over him, and he shows up or calls unexpectedly looking for a shoulder to lean or cry on. Hopefully it won't happen to you, but it has to me in the past.
Hang in there.

Hey Erik,
Is there such a thing as soy milk egg nog?

I just broke up this weekend too. 6 1/2 years and now it's gone. In a sense I feel relieved b/c a lot of our relationship was strained, but being that was my only "adult" relationship, it sure doesn't take away the pain and sadness.

Josh

Josh and Metro -

Sorry to hear about your breakups. Good luck entering the next chapter of your life.

I was seeing someone for 6 months (I know it is a very short time and does not even come close to 6 1/2 year ). This was my first relationship with a guy and I thought we were doing great. I was really hurt when he broke up with me out of the blue in September. I am still getting over the whole thing but has gotten better with time...

Yeah I hear you. I got tired of 6 month to a year relationships with Cannondale's. They always ended in a harsh break up. Almost always, the frame would make a tell tale crack. Then I knew the relationship was doomed.

Oh Erik, your bike is on crack? How could you! First the meth experiment, now crack? Is that how we raised you? Oh wait, I didn't raise your bike. For those suffering from a recent break-up...take heart...your shopping load for the holidays just became lighter! (I'm just trying to find a bright side to breakupsville).

Actually this is kinda good lol! I had no clue what to get Joe...

and i had a few ideas, but a broke college student i didn't really have the money to get most of the things on his list!

josh

I guess makeup and girls' jeans were out of the question.

Well, add me to the lonely hearts club roster -- the bf and I are officially broken up. What's the deal? People are supposed to spoon up for the winter, and frisk around when spring sprongs. And I was banking on the extra body heat in bed to lower the thermostat. frown

Yes lol. My only thought was a poem. Instead, I wrote a poem describing the feelings I have right now toward the break up...

Chi-town, js1metsfan- good luck in dealing with your break ups. I hope you don't have the same confusion I've been having.

Well this is my 2nd year in a row that I get to save money by not having to buy something for a "special someone"....looking at it that way...the extra money ROCKS! Who wants to go to the liquor store?

Actually, I was about to phone my dealer...but hey, I'm always in the mood for more voddie! Are you driving? I'll get my coat.