I was wondering about something today. I'm reading a book a friend gave me when I first came out in 1997 - The Homo Handbook. It's a funny book with great tips on coming out. I am wondering though, how much has changed since you came out. Not the "I'm happy that people know who I am" that goes along with it. I'm wondering did your style of music you listen to change? Did your taste in clothing change? Do you still read MAD Magazine? Are you more calm or more rowdy? Are you more masculine or feminine? Are you attracted to the same type of men (or women) than you did before you came out?

Allen

basically nothing changed for me. i have the same likes and dislikes as before.

i AM more comfortable with myself and my relationship. i think one of the biggest byproducts is that i'm so much closer to my friends (they're all straight), 'cuz there's more of a willingness on both sides to share personal things.

The only thing that changed for me was that I started to go to more bars and gay events. It was only later I realised that I didn't really have to do all of that.

Still enjoy hanging w/my straight friends...

My "I.Q." (Integrity Quotient) doubled. Life is more confrontational, yet deeper, fuller, and the most honest it can be - each day.

My 2 cents: only when you come out can you interact with people in a way that allows for the learning of whether your issues with them (and with life) are sexual, or otherwise. When you are closeted (in ANY area of life), you tend to lump all problems into the area where you are most vulnerable. That is, for instance:

"They don't like me because I'm":

"paraplegic"
"transexxual"
"Omani-American"
"a gay real estate investor"
"Black-Jewish"
"living with ADHD"
"brilliant and accomplished at difficult subjects"
"over 7' tall"
"an wealthy artist who's never had a 9-5 job"

etc., etc., etc.

[ March 28, 2003, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: bluebird48234 ]

I thought I would somehow have this huge group of gay friends when I came out and it would be great. To this day, my boyfried is the only gay person I hang out with on a regular basis. The good thing is, my good friends (all of whom are straight) and I have a much better relationship. It's much less formal and I'm more of myself around them.

All of our friends are straight as well. We just feel like we have a lot more in common with them at the point in our lives (settled, getting older, don't go out anymore to bars, etc.) Plus, brunch just got too competitive.

When I was "straight," I couldn't get a date with a woman to save my life. I came out and thought the boys would be knocking my door down, because I had gotten all kinds of 'unwanted' attention from men when I wasn't ready to accept myself. Somehow, though, now I can't buy a date with a guy.

Oh, the tragic irony of it all.

Well, when I came out, I started listening to the pop/ diva music exclusively since I thought that was what I had to do. Slowly, I started to expand and get back into my hard rock/rap/dance/classical music I love. I still read MAD magazine. I do have a lot of gay friends, but they are all older than me. No big deal really. Since I came out at 20, guys around my age really do not do it for me. (And if I hear that I'm just a baby and naive, I'll seriously kick someone's ass. THAT pisses me off the most.) They are just coming out and I cannot deal with them the trauma of coming out. I don't have the patience for them.

I totally miss my str8 friends. They were the best guy friends I could have had at South Dakota State.

The guys I date have changed a lot since I came out. I use to date guys around my age or younger - never someone older. Now, I date guys a little older than me since they've been out about the same time as me; we can have intellectual conversations, better sex, usually the same body type as mine. I have more fun with them too and a lot less drama.

Not that many changes for me really. Still like music from the 80's best, still love sports. Have an incredibly supportive family, except for one minor exception, very comfortable with who and what I am. wink

Not many changes for me. I "came out" (I was never really "in") during high school and joined the campus' gay student union but found that group too whiny and overly earnest--always looking for slights aimed at them (they actually complained that the astronomy club got a larger room than the gay union, never thinking it's because the astronomy club had more than three times the members!) I fast realized there are all sorts of gay folk and left that group & returned to my usual group of friends, most of whom were straight. That remains to this day--30 years later. Of course, this makes perfect sense--there are a lot more straight people to choose friends from.

~Adam

it may sound funny but i have become more comfortable with my taste in men. I always liked big guys. tall,big lumbering guys. Not obese, just big lugs and was never comfortable with that. Now that i am out and getting more settled with myself i find that i am really attracted to them and comftable around them. God ,love 'em

Hey everybody,

I need someplace to vent, and ramble for a few minutes, so I thought I'd recycle this thread.

Yesterday, Thanksgiving morning, I came out to my Mother, while driving 75 mph or the interstate.

I'm 26, and she's 56. I have been thinking about coming out to the family a lot recently, but didn't want to do it on an important Holiday or anything. But there I was, I just blurted it out. We were talking about a friend of hers who lives in Seattle. She's 50ish, never been married, never dated, drives a Honda SUV, owns 2 grayhounds, goes mushroom hunting, and is pretty butch. I told my mom that she was probably a lesbian. My mom said just she was a spinster, and I said, no, she's a lesbian. Well, my mom said just because some is single and hasn't ever really dated doesn't mean they're "homosexual". Then she looked at me and said, you're single and don't date, and you're not a homosexual.... are you? I looked at her and said, "well, you never know." She thought I was kidding, but I was tired of lying to her, so when she said, you're not, right? I just raised an eyebrow, and said, "you just never know, now do you." My heart was pounding in my ears, I was trying to keep the car on the road, and suddenly I heard myself say, "yep, I am."

My mother crys while watching TV commercials, and at this point, and for the following 4 hours, she didn't shed a tear, or get froggy. It sort of freaks me out.

We then kind of talked about it for about 20 minutes. She first said she thought I was going to die, and I assured her that I was a smart man and that I had been tested repeatedly, and I was not going to die. Then she told me not to tell anyone, which I took to be a survival instinct on her part, so I didn't really say anything to that comment. Then we talked about our up coming vacation togeather, and she said I was still going, and I asked her if she hated me, because she was so quiet. She said, "No, you're my son, I'll always love you, I just have something else to worry about now." Then she told me that she didn't want to know anything about the "other side" of it. I asked her what that ment, and she said that she didn't want to hear about it, and if I ever get a partner, she didn't want to meet him. (I took this to also be a defence mechanism, and let it go). I then told her that I just couldn't lie to her anymore. I tell her everything (which she aggreed with), and I said that I just couldn't stand lying to her anymore. She got really quiet again. Then I told her if she had any questions I was always willing to answer them. She said, "what if I never want to ask a question?" I said, that it was fine, but "IF" she ever did, she could.

Then the conversation moved on.

This whole thing kind of freaked me out, ok, to say Kind of, is an understatement, I'm freaked, and back at work. I left her with my brother, and his wife and her kids, and came home so I could come to work.

It feels good to kind of have it out in the open, but it also doesn't really feel out in the open yet because she basicly said she doesn't want to ever talk about it. Which makes me kind of sad. It all happened so fast, I just blurted it out. At least she didn't open the car door and throw herself from a moving vehicle.

Anyway, thanks for reading, if you did. I just needed to vent. Thanks.

MSU: congratulations on taking a big step, and probably removing a big weight off your shoulders as well. From what I read I think your Mom will be okay with this, and she probably just needs some time to disgest it all, but overall I think it was a rather positive experience. I believe that Mothers instinctively know things about their sons and daughters, esp. at it relates to their sexuality. In time she may open up to you even more on things. I think you both deserve a pat on the back. Best of luck to you both! wink

MSU -- that is great -- even though it doesn't feel that way. Authenticity is the key to a happy life IMHO. The fact that she reacted as she did is realy her issue and not yours. As my friend Puckman said -- a great weight is off your shoulders -- whether or not you feel it presently.

Hang in there!

Conga-rats for coming out. I think that every man or woman who comes out to family deserves a purple heart or something. My two cents: My experience of coming out to my parents 7 years ago has been a dynamic, ever-changing experience. It is not like my voice changing at 13, or my turning 18 and registering to vote etc. Mom and Dad have had stops and starts along the way. Their initial reaction was exactly like your Mom's. My Dad said, "You are my son and that will never change." My Mom asked for time to adjust to this news. There were tears etc. But overall, the first few years were great. Then we hit a slick patch and they regressed a little...ok A LOT. But this year we tackled the issue again and Mom set the ground rules that I could live with: She was willing to talk about my sexual orientation but NOT my sex life. Works for me because I assume that my straight brothers have the same unspoken arrangement. But then I moved to the the Bay Area in CA in July of this year and Mom and Dad are back in a panic. They are rural Texas people who still think that San Fran is where gay men come to get AIDS and die. So, as I said, it is a dynamic process and I can't assume that they are "in the same place" emotionally or psychologically each time we wade into these waters.

One of the greatest moments in my initial coming out process was a comment my Dad made. He has always been pretty distant emotionally but he amazed me with his attempts to understand my sexual orientation. He said, "As you have been sharing this with us, I have been trying to imagine myself leaving your mother for a man. I can't imagine that. I don't understand how you can say you are sexually attracted to men."

I responded, "Dad, it didn't work that way in my case. You would have to imagine yourself at 10 or 11 years old having crushes on boys your age in school when your friends are getting interested in girls."

He said that he could imagine that easier than trying to imagine leaving his heterosexual orientation behind for another one. I knew at that moment that he was trying to understand me, limited as his experience was. To this day, he has developed a tenderness and affection for me that he never showed when I was growing up.

Wow. I got on my soap box. The main point is my admiration and support for you and anyone who tackles the coming out to parents thing. Doing it on a holiday is tough. I came out on my Dad's birthday. But like you, it was half spontaneous/half fatigue from hiding. There is also a generation gap because my brothers and sister in law are ultra supportive. That gives me hope because in the years to come, I will spend more time with them, since my parents are entering those twilight years.

Congratulations MSUBobcat! I know it feels weird because you didn't plan on coming out during the holiday, but sometimes things just happen and it must have been years of not wanting to lie anymore that finally gave in.

Your experience sounds so much like mines. I told my mom and she didn't respond very well. She also told me not to tell anyone else in my family, so in a way she forced me back into the closet. I pretty much came out to many of my friends before her and to my sister, so I didn't feel the need to tell anyone else so honoring her request wasn't a biggie. But for me, it just showed me that she has a lot more understanding to do. She basically doesn't want to accept it so she tries to ignore it.

You're lucky that your mom wasn't interested in hearing anything about your relationships. My mom freaked out so much that she started interrogating me about whether I've had sex with men and whether I had anal sex as well (because she was afraid I would get AIDS, of course). Let me tell you, talking to your mom about sex is not a fun thing. I basically told her it wasn't any of her business as long as I was responsible in having sex.

In the end, it didn't bother me that my mom didn't respond well because I'm very comfortable with who I am, and that's the most important thing. If I accept myself, then that's all that matters. I know, we all want our parents' approval, but I've reached the age in life where I've been so independent all these years, I really don't care what my mom thinks.

To this day, she's still a bit annoying about the gay thing. I try to maintain a relationship with her but do get annoyed by the things she says. Once she told me not to date because she felt it was better for me to grow old alone than to be living with a man. Geesh!

So, I guess the other point to my sharing my story, is that your mom didn't sound half as neurotic as mines. So just give her some time to get used to the idea and eventually she'll come around. I'm hoping the same for mines.

[ November 28, 2003, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: batboy ]

Hey MSU, congratulations on this very big step. I remember my Mom being somewhat stunned when I came out back in the '70s. What really helped me was my Aunt Betty (Mom's sister), who lived in California. She had been waiting for me to come out for years! At the time, I was working in Buffalo, but living in northern Michigan, coming back home once a month to take care of business at home. About a month after coming out, I got a letter from Mom (I may still have it around somewhere...), and she said some of the same things: you won't be able to bring someone to my home, etc., but when my partner first came to their home, they had the back bedroom ready for us, no questions asked. Just goes to show how, over time, many things change. Dennis and I have been together over 23 years now, and he's treated like one of the family...as it should be. Congratulations again. Hope all goes well for you.

MSU, congratulations on having this conversation with your beloved mother. I'm sure she'll be fine with the news once she digests all it means--and I'll bet that if you become part of a couple, she'll want him to become part of her life, too. Just now, it's all a bit overwhelming for her; that feeling will pass. And, as you state, it lifted a weight from your shoulders. Good for you.
A long time back, I posted that it's important to live so you can hold your head high during the day and sleep soundly at night & part of that is being honest to yourself. I bet you walk a bit straighter (no pun intended) today and sleep a bit more soundly now.

~Adam

Bobcat, you did it while driving 75 on the interstate? Are you crazy or something?

Give her time; you've had a whole lifetime to get ready to come out, she's had a day to deal with it. Maybe she won't change her mind about some things, maybe she will. Is there a P-Flag chapter you could hook her up with? She probably could use a shoulder to cry on right about now.

[ November 28, 2003, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: Jim Allen ]

Congrats MSU! The best thing is to give her time, and maybe suggest PFLAG as Jim mentioned. If they don't have a chapter you may want to check out http://www.pflag.org/ They have some great tools worth looking at.

Thank you so much, all of you. You guys are really special to me. From the time I started visiting this message board everyone has been awesome, and today, your words of encouragement have lifted my day. I feel like you're all my family. (sniff sniff) Ok, now I'll buck it up and keep going. Thanks for the support and caring. You guys rock!

Oh ya, and root for the Cats this weekend.

Give her time...Also realize she may never want to "talk about it." Many parents do not want to think that their children have a sex life.(and vice versa) MOM:-"Son,I am dating a man now since your father is gone and we sleep together, if you want to ask me any questions about our sex life let me know!" EEEEEWWW!

At least HE was the driver!
The others have pretty much said everything, so I'll just add a hug for you, MSU!

Guys...I came out to my family after I got dumped by what I thought was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I come from a big Italian Catholic family and thought since I discovered that I was gay about 6 years ago that they would all disown me and never want anything to see me again...(I am 43 now divorced and rasing my two boys ages 7/10). I get alot of help from them in watching my kids if I want to go out...on weekends when I work..and in the morning before they leave for school. I've listen to my family talk about "Gays" and not in a good way either and the fear has always been in my mind.


But, they sure as hell fooled me.....they took it like champs, asked if I was healthy and most of all happy. I told them that yes, I am healthy but now not happy because at the time I thought I lost my one true chance at happiness. I was told that it doesn't change anything about the person that I am...a caring, loving, honest man who is rasing his two son's and if I must add...doing a damn good job at it too. I was also told that it doesn't matter if I love a Man, Woman, or Gorilla as long as this person makes me happy and loves me for me.

This all might change when they see me with a man for the first time, but I really doubt it. They have showed me that all my fears were in my head and that I should have trusted them more to understand my lifestyle and that family will always love you.

That's my situation exactly. I avoid certain conversations with my mom, but that's because pointless arguments annoy me, not because I care what she thinks.

And I agree with copman about parents and sons/daughters not wanting to know about each other's sex lives.

Also, Meatman has a great point about kids. From what I've observed, parents' attitudes about significant others (gay or straight) often change when "our grandkids" are involved (or at least when they're within earshot).

That's awesome, MSU . I'm happy for you.

I'm still firmly in the closet, but hell, I've got years left before I hit the age you guys probably came out at .

I'd be scared as hell to tell my mom. I don't think she's a big fan of the whole gay thing.....she picked up the paper the other day, and goes "Oh God, the whole world is turning GAY!" as a response to the Mass. gay marriage ruling.

Oh, she also thinks that black people are inferior to white people, muslims are all terrists waiting to blow her up, etc, etc. It won't be a fun experience telling her I'm gay...maybe I'll send a postcard or something wink .


Anyway, now I'm wondering: What time did you guys start coming out to people? Maybe I AM behind the curve .

The first time I said to someone "I like guys" was when I was, what, 11, in 1971 (?) I was fooling around with a neighbor and he said something like "I'll get married and have kids" and I said "I won't". I said variations on that to various people along the way and finally made The Offical Announcement to the parents and friends in 1985, when I was 25. The general reaction: "Well, DUH". I never made any effort to date women etc. so they put 2 + 2 together and realized that a 25 year old who has no females in his life is most likely gay. In fact, my mom pissed me off by saying "Oh, I knew years ago!". Argh! All that angst for nothing.

First off - congrats MSUbobcat, and hope it goes better with Mom in the future. I think I have posted on my coming out experience, but don't see it here, so sorry if this is a repeat.

I was positive I would never come out - hell I was positive I would never date men. I knew I was gay when I was 13, but was so freaked out and ashamed that I hid it and tried to change it, and all that crap. In my early 20s, when I realized it wasn't going away, I vowed to remain celibate, and did that for 6 long years.

It was not until my 10th college reunion (just after I had "fallen off the wagon") and I saw all my classmates married with kids that I realized how empty my life was. Over the next year, I understood that all the things I was worried about if I came out (losing my family, having friends desert me) were happening anyway, because I simply didn't have the energy to keep up the lie. I made the decision, in the shower, in June 2000, just after the march here in DC, that I was coming out. It was as if a 50 ton weight were removed.

First off, I told a college friend that I still work with, then another good friend (they were both shocked but supportive), then my sister. My sister went to a woman's college, and has a lot of lesbian friends, so I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. Turns out I called her (yes, I did it over the phone) on a Saturday morning when my brother-in-law had just taken the kids to the garbage dump (fun in the suburbs!). When I told her I had something important to talk about, she gave me 15 minutes, because her kids would only be gone an hour, and that was her time to shower for the weekend! I told her, she said "are you sure? Of course you're sure!" and then said all the right things (I love you, you'll always be my brother, you can bring a partner to my house any time), and then hung up because she really needed to get that shower in.

Total conversation time? About 7 minutes (although she called back that night and we talked for a while).

I told my father in a letter, because I did not want to ruin a holiday, and he told me he already knew! His actual words were "I opened the mailbox, and said, 'This must be the letter telling me he's gay.'" The funny thing was, he read the letter at 5 PM, then went to the cleaners to pick up his laundry and to a restaurant before calling me at 9 that night. He never even realized how freaked out I would be about his reaction!

Although there have been tough times with both my sister and my father, they are more and more comfortable with the idea. Funniest moment this Thanksgiving - I was talking to my sister and brother-in-law about all the gifts they could give me this Christmas, as I just bought a house, and my brother-in-law mentioned a "stud finder." His 16-year-old nephew then said "Yeah, and you could find that useful in a lot of ways." Kids today seem totally unfazed by the idea of gay adults - amazing!

Congrats MSUBobcat. Is your mom the first person in your family you've told? Time will move the relationship with your mom along and you will both reach a comfort level when discussing your "gayness".

I came out when I was 19-20, basically a 9 month process. First to friends, then my mom found a b-day card from my bf, and I came out to her. She was quiet like your mom, and there were no tears. We didn't talk about it too much that night, then as things grew on, and I came out to my siblings, it was very easy to talk about. I finally came out to my dad a little over a year ago, but he had already knew by then. My bf had moved to L.A. to live with me. My parents are actually pretty good about it. They ask about my bf and when/if they send gifts/cards/cookies, they send them to both of us (i.e. both names on the address or card). My siblings are great with it too. When we go back home, we sleep in the same bed at my brother's place. I have open discussions with my sisters about guys (my brother doesn't usually get involved in this part!!). When your family does more than just accept you for being gay, it makes things a lot easier. We remain very close and I think I'm very lucky to have that.

My bf is not so lucky. His mom basically ignores it. She has met me. I've stayed at her house. She is very nice to me, but thinks of me as just a "friend". It will take time to see how your mother will react. She will always love you, but you may also need to realize that she may never want to talk about it. If that is the case, things can get very frustrating for you. If/when you get a partner, she will probably meet him, but she may not take him as part of the family. Meaning that all gifts/cards/invites will always be directed to you, but not to the both of you. Even though the same items would be directed to your brother and his wife.

Is this the beginning of your "coming out" process, or do you have a lot of friends and other family that already know?

I came out to my mother on the phone from my barracks room (I was 23). She had one of those "And ... ?" moments, and then she told me as long as I was fine, she had to get back to grading papers. So basically, no big thing.

I told my father at Christmas, and he went into autopilot mode saying all the right things, which he realized, the next morning, he actually meant. So my experience was quite lovely, but it still took me a long time to get there.

MSUBobcat, congrats, man. I'm sorry that it's weird now, but it does get better.

Bobcat, Congrats man! Your mom will come around. Mine was freaked out when she first found out (her sister and neice told her before I got the chance to do it). She didn't wnat to talk about it and didn't want to talk to any of my friends and of course "Don't tell your father!" She is great now and has actually played Devil's advocate for friends of ours who want to tell their parents, but need some advice. She has a lot of guys and gals who call her Mom now and she just loves it. She told me that she really always knew, but actually hearing it set her back. The whole "What did I do wrong" conversation came up. I told her obviously you did everything right....I'm not in prison, I have a college degree (none of my other siblings do), I own a home, I've been with the same guy for almost 10 years...

My dad was a butcher, we had a whole different experience when he got the Good news. But that's a story for another day.........when we're talking about UGLY coming out experiences.

Thanks again guys.

To answer your question stinger, I am out to just about everyone in my life except the people at work, although there are a few who know, and my family.

The up side is that my Mom doesn't really seem to be upset about my spiritual future, or any of that stuff, she just keeps telling me to "be safe." She pull some guilt trip stuff and told me that she hadn't slept most of the weekend, and I just said, "Sorry, but try to get some sleep ok." We're really pretty close, and I hope this will make us closer in the long run. I made an appointment with a counceler for next week, so it will be good to to talk to someone outside the loop, with some experience. Overeall, things aren't really that bad. I just feel like I'm hurting my mom, and I hate that, but at the same time, it needs to be out there.

Thanks again guys, I love you all.

MSU Congrats, and it will be okay, give her time....

I came out to my Mom, actually, she asked ME, when I changed my sexual orientation, I was 32. I came out to her, and she was fine, she made jokes, about how good, a certain purse, she had would go with the shoes I was wearing. But it wasn't too long beforet the anger came...she did not talk to me for about a week, and when she did, she blew up at me, this phase lasted about a month.

But now that all is said and done, we are fine, she talks/treats my partner great, she has him over for dinner, we go out to movies, and other places. The rest of the family does the same.

My Dad, knows and understands, but he does not want to know everything. though, Officially, I am not out to him. That is to say I have never uttered the words.."Dad, I am Gay !"

[ December 01, 2003, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: rickinto ]

I told my Mom first, and she said she knew a long time ago, and was glad to see that I was finally comfortable enough with it to tell her. BTW she was a florist for over 15 years and probably still knows more gay people than I do. I actually went to my first Pride parade with her when I was 21.

I then told my siblings who were cool with it. Although my brother and his wife were the only ones who went with us when we went to Maui for our commitment ceremony, and my sister inlaw was 7 months pregnant at the time.

The hardest person to tell was my Dad, and I thought he would have a really hard time with it as he is pretty religious. He was more hurt that he was the last to know. He didn't want to talk about it for years. But he has come around, he even sends birthday and X-mas gifts to Larry separate from me. He has made leaps and bounds.

I do remember that it felt like a two ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and it was the best feeling no longer having to keep secrets.

My partner on the other hand has never actually verbalized it to his family. However they all know. We have been very fortunate to have 2 completely supportive families behind us.

Mike

Congrats, MSUBobcat, for your recent coming out experience with you mom. My experience was very low key. When I told my mom, she said she already knew. My dad and brothers were cool with it, my dad just said to be careful.

I think the gift of time is what's needed with your mom. She may say she doesn't want to talk about it but you are her son. She probably has a million thoughts, questions and concerns going on in her mind and in her heart. Many questions she may have may not only concern you. Your announcement has now made her have to reevaluate her values and beliefs.

Through volunteering with youth groups and such, I can say that your experience went rather smoothly. I know of children who have been kicked out of their home because they had the courage to come out. Gay youth have to walk a very complicated path. Just when your body is changing, hormones are kicking in and the pressure to be accepted and be cool is at it's highest level, add being gay to the pot and stir until it all comes to a complete boil.
Anyway, i think oyu did great and again, congratulations.

Oh and Allen, the biggest change that I experienced by coming out was the level of my confidence. Just knowing that I don't have to hide who I am and that being gay is okay was and remains to be the greatest gift I've ever given myself. Self acceptance is a very big step for people in our situation. Congrats again to MSUBobcat.

I was always a daddy's boy and told him when I was 16--back in 1974--and his response was merely that "there will be people who don't like you just because of this and you'll probably have to work harder to find a friend than other people," (I'll always remember his words.) I never actually told my mom or sisters; I just figured they would learn over time. The big shock was when I brought my first serious boyfriend home (I was already in college and we came to my parents for a long weekend) and the family was cool about Stan.

~Adam

Forgive this long post.

I came out at 24. I was married, but seperated (not because of the gay thing) but because she had alot of issues. The seperation is where the self evaluation began.

I was living in Olympia WA and couldn't kick the fact that I found myself looking at men alot more than women. Mind you, I had always had "friends" who liked to "play", but most of that happened prior to age 13, so I always considered it experimentation.

Anyway, it was the 4th of July and my friend Cathy and I were at the capital looking at the fireworks. In the middle of whatever conversation we were having, I leaned over and said " I think I'm Bi or Gay". All she said was be careful and I stil love you. After that, she had several people come out to her. I've been apologizing ever since.

My family mother was totally different. My estranged wife had gone to LA and told my mother and father that I was gay and living with a man. She had no clue of what she was speaking, but my mother still called to see. At the time I told her no, but I was no where near ready to deal with it. I was still trying to figure it out myself. Two months I wrote her letter telling her. She said it was ok and that she already knew (this would later be proven false).

I think if anything, I gravitated more toward harder-edged rock songs than I did before I came out. I still like Stevie Nicks's "It's Only Love" which might have been my favorite song on Trouble in Shangri-la before I came out, but my favorite song there is "Fall From Grace." (Note: "It's Only Love" is a somewhat slow, mostly guitar-driven song but it's not quite a ballad. "Fall From Grace" is a blistering, hard driving rock song.)

I think I'm just as masculine as ever, and I'm probably attracted to the same kind of men as ever.

First of all, belated congrats to MSU Bobcat!

I read the story, and I think if it happened to me, I'd be royally pissed at my mother. It's a lot to process, and she will have to deal with a lot of Mom issues that are her problem, not yours, but I think her stance would be the start of a pretty nasty confrontation for me.

Then again, I haven't told MY mother, but we haven't exactly been on speaking terms very much in the last 10 years.

I continue to count my blessings that my dad is also gay...

I guess I'm not the only one who had problems coming out to their mother. My dad is a red neck hillbilly from the Ozarks. When I came out I was certain he would be the problem and mom would be OK. But it was just the opposite, dad had no problem with it; it was my mom who went ballistic. She is getting better now; but like many other parents I think she felt like maybe she was a bad mother for "raising me the wrong way". The best advice I can give someone coming out is to not be confrontational and try to be understanding about how your parents feel. It may seem like the burden of coming out of the closet is on your shoulder's, but once you do come out your parents have baggage of their own to deal with too.

I came out to my parents 3 or so years after I "officially" came out to myself at 20 or 21 after trying to make myself heterosexual during my first two years of college. The only girl I dated later discovered she was a lesbian - I guess our sense of not fitting in drew us together. After a brief period of living at home and gathering up my courage, I hitch-hiked (1975)to the west coast and became initiated so to speak. I withdrew afterwards, but then came out to friends in letters, which went very well, and then moved to Boston to start living as an openly gay person. I debated how and when to tell my parents for probably a year before I finally did. It was in a fairly chicken-hearted way- I left a book (Loving Someone Gay or something like that that was out at the time) on the kitchen table one Saturday night while visiting them. It wasn't until late Sunday morning that I walked into the kitchen while they were both there fixing dinner that my mom asked me if I was trying to tell them I was gay. I said yes and she started crying and asking me all the stereotypical reaction questions -- had I been molested, don't I like women, have I ever tried it with a woman (eww!), what had she done wrong-- so that was quite difficult, but then she was going into little memory snapshots of how she always knew and she was just concerned that people wouldn't be nice to me and that I'd end up having a lonely, unhappy life. She let me know that she'd always love me and do her best to deal with it. My father's reaction? During the whole half hour his only interjection was " Do you want parsnips or carrots with dinner?" He was preparing the veggies to go with the roast. Never has said anything about it, but our relationship, which sucked, has improved over the years. Mom had some difficult months, but she read that book I left and quite a few others to help herself adjust. Within a year, I was at their home with my boyfriend and they've always been very supportive. I'm sure your mom will come around, too, in her own time. She has to reconcile her love for you with the longstanding perceptions and fears about what it means to be gay. Hopefully she can connect with some PFLAG moms or friends who she'll discover have been through this. There's kind of a period of grieving for the life she'd hoped you'd have that she has to go through, but her love for you will win out and will probably energize her as she begins to identify with the injustice of what you've faced and the attitudes that still exist out there. I think it always benefits the person doing the telling to get the "secret" out of the dark and it almost always benefits the relationship with the tellee in the long run, so hang in there!

I'm out to everyone but most of my family. My parents, and much of my immediate family, are very much of the Jerry Falwell/Pat Robertson type. I haven't ever been in an LTR so I haven't seen the need to stir that hornet's nest just yet. I certainly will not hide my partner from my parents when I get one, so this will happen at some point. Has anyone here ever had the experience of coming out to parents who were both very homophobic?

My Mom was like that at first. Now, she just wants the best for me.

Another belated congrats to you Bobcat!

I wish I would have had the guts to comeout to my parents.

Wayne, (affectionately known as his lordship) and I have been together 23 years as of last Sept 7. We have built a life together, and up I never told my parents. Everyone else in my family knew, and I was openly gay at work, but I never told my parents. (I guess my middle name should be cluck)

My parents died less than 1 week apart in 1998, and it is the one regret that I have I never sat them down and told them that I was gay, and that I had made a relationship with the love of my life.

When my first lover was killed (he was beaten to death when I was 18, he was 19) I was unable to show what I was really feeling. It would have prompted too many questions. My reasoning for that was that 2 years previously (this was pre 1973) my father had helped his best friend have his son committed for being gay. So when Danny was killed, I KNEW I had to keep my mouth shut.

In later years, when Wayne and I had set up housekeeping, my way of dealing with it was to walk away from my family for 8 years. 8 years of no contact. Looking back on it it was a stupid thing to do, and probably the cowards way out. And yes, it was the soppy song "The Living Years" that got me talking to my parents again, but we never talked about it.

I guess that makes me kind of a chicken, and I admire you for telling your mom, (although on a freeway at 75mph is not always the best time). Most people I know, their parents reacted in similar ways, but they do change, and become very supportive.

Wayne and I are going to be married in the spring, and one of the first places we will visit is my parents grave. It's important more to Wayne than me. (but then he rented Under the Tuscan Sun on the weekend, so I guess he's the sappy one. I rented The Order)

Lksimcoe, you did the best you knew how to do. Under the circumstances and during the time your partner was killed, I think many people would have basically done the same thing. I know I would have. I think it's just amazing you came out of it and have moved on with your life. It shows the amount fo strength you had/have as a person and I commend you.

Congratulations on your Spring wedding. It's coming up soon, so keep us posted. Take care.

I never had to come out to my extended family because my mom blabbed about it to all her brothers and sisters when I told her.

All of my Aunts and Uncles knew that I was gay. For some reason, even though most of them are motor mouths, they never confronted my mother and father with it.

(maybe it's because I caught one of my Aunts behind the barn smoking pot. And she didn't share)

Whatever the reason, I am relatively convinced that there was no way that my partner and I could have stayed together that long, (18 years by the time my parents died) and not have SOMETHING clued in.

Anyway, it's all water under the bridge at this point, but if I had to do it again, the night I walked out on my family, I would have informed them that their son was gay. Maybe it might have turned out differently.

golfer, my situation was very similar to yours, although I didn't tell my mom that I was gay ... she found out when she went through my e-mail account when I was at home over Winter Break. Afterwards, she made the rounds with my family and I had to deal with a wonderful family "intervention" about the issue. To make the situation more difficult, my father passed away from a heart attack a few weeks after the family meeting.

At the time, it was incredibly difficult to deal with the situation. While things are still difficult with my family, I've come to terms with things happening the way they did. Once my family knew that I was gay, it was much easier to come out to my friends, coworkers, anyone who I cared about. I just wish that I was able to do it on my own terms, instead of being thrust into the situation when I wasn't emotionally prepared to deal with it.

Nick

Okay, I have not told everybody in my family and I am just ready to as well. My biological Dad is a staunch Catholic and my adopted Dad is a farmer, so I really have no idea how they would react and that makes me nervous. I'm nervous thinking about it. Hell, maybe I should just go on Survivor or some TV show and then they can find out. wink

Someday, I want to tell them, but my fear is I would be cut off from my family. When you live in a small town all of your life and then a loop is thrown at you like your son being gay, how would you react? So, I don't say a thing. I hope I can some day.

Allen:

Taken from someone who never did it, a lot depends on your relationship with your Dads. if you are close, then I would think it wouldn't change.

Just because someone is a farmer doesn't mean they are closed minded, and the same goes for being a devout Catholic.

A lot of the time, when their "beleifs" run smack against a member of their own family, love tends to win out. It may be bumpy, but it probably will.

Only YOU know your dads well enough to know how they'd react, but my personal feeling is that they are the ones that are losing out on a side of their son that is wonderful.

Whatever your decision, it will be the right one. There's no right or wrong here. But whatever you decide, good luck.