I'm gonna ask a question, because my dating experience is limited. Is it acceptable to bring along an ex-boyfriend to a date, seriousness of date notwithstanding, if you're just meeting the person for the first time?

This question was posed to me by my date for tonight (no one from this board ). I told him that I would get back to him on that one. He then called me back, and at that point, I told him that I would be uncomfortable with that concept. He attempted to make me seem like the crazy one, but that was unsuccessful.

However, it did once again shatter my hope in the male species. Am I ever going to find anyone to date? I know that it shouldn't be my main objective, and I'm trying to shift my attention elsewhere, but maybe my aunt (and other wise people) are right. Perhaps it's not about finding the man of our dreams....it's just about hanging out with friends and not lowering our standards, whatever they may be, just to get a date, a man, etc. But, am I ever going to find anyone...no pie in the sky answers, please....I need some realism here. Thanks.

Falcon Honey-Bunny,
Maybe you are looking in the wrong places???? Where did you meet this fool? And yes he is a fool for even thinking about bringing his ex to a date with you.Once the weather gets better maybe that "Mr.Right" whose been hybernating will probably make his presence known.Whatever you do,don't give up!! Now if only I would follow my own advice. wink

OMG NO IT IS NOT ALRIGHT. Although I do know of one couple that have not been together as a couple for 10 years, but still eat out together almost everyday, and spend a huge amount of time with each other, despite having partners. So perhaps they stayed friends.

OK Falcon,I have been single now 8 years. I have gone on maybe 15 dates in that time frame. I have had guys ask me for a key to my house after the second date because they had no where to live. I had one guy neglect to tell me he also worked as an escort. Drove to a guys house for our first date, I have NO idea about the area, so I leave my car and let him drive. He proceeds to tell me he doesn't like to kiss, he hates to wear condoms, and then says" hey that waiter is pretty hot wanna see if he will do a 3 way?"..... I sneak out the door and take a Taxi to my car. I once had a very cute successful guy ask me on a date. I drove an hour and 15 minutes north of my house, met him in a parking lot, and spent the day wandering around, after we ate a late lunch asked me if I wanted to do a tour of the areas bookstores. LOL sooooo enjoy, and write down some of the REALLY bizarre ones.

Welcome to the dating scene. Hopefully you will have more luck than I have had, at least you know you will have hysterical stories at cocktail parties. I, myself have given up. I just don't think that I am meant to be part of a couple. Some people aren't, and really, to have had 2 relationships, one that lasted 3 months, and another that lasted 6 months in 12 years. I am a little bitter about that fact, but while I may not have a BF, I definitely have enjoyed the other perk of being single, LOL and I have a lot of those stories to tell as well!!!

siiiigh. We are our own soap opera.....or sitcom! frown

[ March 18, 2006, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: eddiecat ]

Jim and Eddie, I liked your posts....maybe one day I will have stories to tell....other than these disappointing ones. Question...does it make sense to give up completely? How do I proceed?

It doesn't matter how limited your experience is. Clearly, if you're going on a date -- as compared to some sort of group get-together -- it is NEVER okay to bring your ex-boyfriend. Or your current boyfriend. Or your wife. Or your mother. Or...you get the picture. wink That guy is an idiot or a freak or something.

As for your giving up: you are MUCH too young to give up.

I have to blame myself just as much for things not happening.I have some real trust issues but you don't want to hear my life story.I'm not a psychic but I do believe a relationship is going to happen very soon for you,Falcon,just be a little more patient.

[ March 19, 2006, 03:29 AM: Message edited by: eddiecat ]

Get out of Pittsburgh as fast as you can!!!

Just kidding. wink

There are no easy answers. But I guess you're finding that out.

My advice: know yourself, others will notice you.

Thats awesome advice. I have to admit, that I have a tendency to be out going and gregarious, but its 90% an act. I am actually VERY shy, rarely if ever make the first move, and have a bit of a prickly personality. So I have a tendency to keep quiet. LOL Years of insert foot here scenarios, so I tend to come off as unapproachable and aloof, which unfortunately, I am. I hear it all the time that I am terribly intimidating (Joe in Philly..... Am I?)

I have NO idea how old you are Falcon, but what the hell go with the flow. I will be honest, after my first BF I didn't date, I just f**ked. I had lost a ton of weight, people found me attractive, and I discovered that WOW I REALLY like sex. Then six years ago I moved to where I live now, and there are all of 1300 people on my whole island year round. So I am now dealing with an already limited pool.

But even with kissing all those boys for all those years, I have only ever had 2 guys that made my stomach tie up in knots. My first BF Brian, who STILL ties me up every time I see him, and Bad For Me From The Gym, AKA Gary, a total closet case that won't even be seen with me in public. And I actually met both of them right here in Avalon NJ.

So have fun, go out and meet people, and maybe you should be the one to ask guys out on dates. I have discovered that I am a better judge of character when it comes to finding cool people than I ever gave myself credit for, just usually the guys I like aren't into me, which is OK as well so long as they are honest about it.

Ahhh, the ways that men can surprise us in the dating world continues to amaze me. I have had some bizarro dates (plenty of normal ones, but the crazy ones stand out so much more), but nobody ever thought it was okay to bring along an additional participant. Rude, crude, and "no thank you" was the perfect answer.

I agree with others, though I don't practice it well enough myself. I find that when I am out doing the things I really enjoy (playing tennis, having drinks with friends, etc.), I tend to meet people more interesting. In those situations it doesn't start out as a date or even with that in the forefront. So, it is a bit more natural.

The whole internet dating thing has started to ruin dating in some capacities. I had one guy I really liked, but his idea of interacting was doing the IM thing and acting like that was getting to know each other. Meeting people online really stilts the whole process -- every meeting is a date where the other person is sizing you up right from the start. That is really difficult for me as it is a bit forced and quick and you just don't know much about someone after the first date or two or three.

Dating seems to come in spurts for me. I will meet two or three guys over a few months and then there will be nothing for an extended time. It is unfortunate, but seems to be the way it works. And very few of them have made my stomach get all tied up either (although a couple have).

The men who I have felt most emotionally connected with are three straight friends who are all married. These guys all feel more free to be open and connected to me, because there is no real expectations of anything beyond our friendship. So, they flirt, they like to be flirted with, they tell me things that they can't tell other friends, etc. It is sort of paradoxical, but I always keep the proper perspective and it works out fine.

See? This is why I love this site. I always receive an outpouring of advice from friends and strangers. However, I wish to focus on Jim's last response for just one moment.

I am 23 years old, and am just starting to come out of my shell. I, too, was overweight (5'8", 215), but have since lost over 50 lbs. Like you, I also have some social anxiety, which I try to overcompensate by being very loquacious--ask Joe, Scottie, Phillyrunner, and Ted . It's a complete 180 from how I used to approach social situations, but the core anxiety still remains. I believe that is due to many reasons, but part of it is because I feel that I am inferior. It's not a complex, but when you're 23, unemployed, and receiving assistance from Uncle Sam, that doesn't improve your self-esteem.

But recently, I noticed that I have more direction in life. I applied to Hofstra and Temple for next fall as a journalism major, thus taking the advice of many to leave Pittsburgh....trust me, I have been trying to do that for quite some time . I guess my point is, and I DO have one, that life does get better. I'm learning that not ALL men are schmucks, and that I need to find more outlets for social activities, besides gay softball. If I just hang out in bars, then the problem with men will be the same, whether I be in Pittsburgh, Alabama, New York, or San Fran. So hopefully, something wil happen...although I'm not going to bank on it. That doesn't imply that I have given up, it just means that my priorities are elsewhere. But once again, eternal thanks to the group. You guys amaze me everyday!

[ March 19, 2006, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: Falconpride ]

Judging from your most recent posting, Falconpride, you're taking some positive steps in your own life--applying to university, changing your scenery--in all, broadening your horizons. One lovely side benefit of this is that you'll meet some new--and perhaps better--men. And, as I'm sure you know, 23 is way too young to give up, especially since you admit you're just starting to come out of your shell. Chalk those odd dates--and NO way should a boyfriend's ex be part of your date--to still being in that shell.

I'm more than twice your age (how the hell did I ever become twice anyone's age?!?) and though I've had two longterm relationships--one of four years and one of more than 20 years--dating is always going to be one of nine rings of hell. Just remember that all the dates with guys who provide you with cocktail party anecdotes also give those guys tales about you for their cocktail parties....a win/win situation.

~Adam

Why do I get the feeling that if I say one word I'll get in trouble? Like, "Does this make me look fat?"

[ March 19, 2006, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: Joe in Philly ]

Reminds me of a joke - sort of - that my partner often tells about a former co-worker of his who is from Texas and full of the incomparable southern charm that folks south of the Mason-Dixon are known for.

A third co-worker, female, came in one day with the most ridiculous looking hairdo any of them had ever seen. No one dared laugh or say anything until the Texan who was the company owner at the time finally took a stab at commenting "Umm....Do you like it?"

We've been using that one ever since.

ummmm thats a loaded question with me right now LOL cause damn near everything is making me look fat..... mainly its the 30 pounds I have gained since I started getting sick back in October, so I guess my fat is making me look fat LOL its not really the pants fault.

Good luck Falcon, to be honest with you , and nobody get offended...(open mouth and insert foot moment) I hated everything about Pittsburgh when I lived in Western Pa. I used to live in Clarion, and couldn't get out of there fast enough. It seemed like the sun never came out all winter, everything was grey, it was cold, but I have got to tell you.. THEGUYS WERE FREAKING GORGEOUS. All those farm raised and wholesome surburban looking dudes. LOL there were reasons why I lived in the dorm as long as I did.

Hell I wouldn't be worried about dating, I would just go out and have fun. First guy I ever kissed was on the football team and the second was a wrestler. See where it takes you!!!

Falcon, you'll find someone. Trust me. Just be sure to get off the couch or off the computer, go out into the world...somewhere, anywhere, and meet someone. I know it's not easy...the good things in life rarely are easy. You'll do it, you'll pull through. No need to become a monk. You may have heard this a million times already, but you really do have your whole life ahead of you. There is an old Indian saying...the butterfly of happiness never lands on restless shoulders. Meaning, the moment you quit looking is usually when you find what you were looking for. All the best kiddo...just be smart and true to yourself.

And don't put so much pressure on yourself either. It will happen, sooner or later, it does to all of us. Just try to remain positive and take care of yourself too. Good luck bro. wink

Latest development....I am currently in Rochester, NY for a job interview at Verizon Wireless. I went today for what I thought would be the interview, but unfortunately, they didn't have time to schedule me after the computer test. However, they were incredibly accomodating by scheduling me for tomorrow, since I came all this way. And I have some housing possibilities....YEE HAW! I needed to take that leap of faith....now, let's see what happens . Wish me luck....

Dear Falcon, keep in mind you are on a JOB interview, not a man interview. Keep it in your pants until you land the gig. Good luck on the job interview. Trust me, get the gig, and the men will follow...in droves.

Now I feel like taking the habit. Just ended a confusing relationship. I seem to attract people who are grieving or are on the rebound. Must be my sunny disposition.

[ March 25, 2006, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: chi-town ]

Chi-town,
You do have a sunny disposition(and probably a few other really good positions as well wink )
Anyway,that man is a fool for not trying to hang on to a catch like you and why waste your time with fools!

Ed